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What role does the ego play in attraction?


foxconfessor

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Hello!

 

New here - just for the record,  I don't identify as asexual but at the same time very rarely experience attraction, and am currently feeling very weighed down by some conflicts I am experiencing regarding my own sexuality. Having seen some really in-depth, thoughtful analysis of people's own experience with their sexuality on this forum I thought this might be a good place to try for some answers & advice.

 

One thing I have been really struggling with, especially in the last year or so, has been an ongoing infatuation with someone I met 7-8 years ago when I was at uni. I'm not sure a day has gone by, at least in the last 5 years or so, when I haven't thought about him. At the moment it's worse than ever even though I haven't seen him in 18 months or so, and only spoke to him for the first time in a year (since he revealed he had a girlfriend) a few weeks ago. I've never experienced such a vast range of profound, beautiful, indescribable feelings for anyone before, and can't imagine I will again. He really feels like a soulmate - we have such an close, special connection, an easy chemistry and he is genuinely the kindest, coolest, most beautiful person I've ever met. I have experienced a physical, intellectual and sensual attraction towards him, both in mind and in his presence. I can be having a conversation with someone and suddenly I will imagine it's him I'm speaking to, I imagine what he would say, how he'd react, and my heart swells with the essence of him, making me stumble over my words or become speechless.

 

However, if he were to reveal he had feelings for me, or ask me to enter into a relationship with him, my instinct would be to run a mile. The thought of him reciprocating those feelings I have for him, the thought of him desiring me in some way or loving me just doesn't compute. At worst, it fills me with a soul-deep nausea. If I try to imagine being in a relationship with him, I start to feel disorientated, trapped and almost as if I'm drowning. Yet I know If it were only my feelings towards him that mattered, our relationship would be end-game for me - the kind you could live several lifetimes without finding. But I know deep down I need to feel loved.

 

And that's where my sexuality comes in. I've probably known I was gay for as long as I can remember - although only came to the realisation at around 20, a few months after meeting this guy. I never imagined myself in a relationship growing up because being in a relationship to me meant being with a man, something I always felt a deep aversion to. I rarely feel attracted to girls in real life - only a couple of times in my life just on sight - but I can certainly imagine being in a relationship with one. Unlike with men (who the thought of being in a relationship with, even those I have feelings for, feels on some deep level wrong), the thought of being with a woman seems so straight-forward, easy, even conventional. But the one thing I've discovered is missing when it comes to men - the need for reciprocation - is somewhat overwhelming when it comes to women. When I imagine developing feelings for a woman, the focal point is not so much how I feel about them, but how they make me feel about myself. Of course, I would need to have feelings for them in order to long for reciprocation, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am about the balance there is between my desire to love and be loved.  In some ways I almost prefer the selfless purity of loving someone, without any real need to have those feelings be reciprocated (or perhaps, to have reciprocation be nothing more than the cherry on the cake).

 

I guess the reason I am writing this is because I feel I have hit a real low point and can't see a solution beyond finding a soulmate of my preferred gender, which I can't really just keep holding out for. I'm experiencing extreme bouts of anger, frustration, depression affecting my physical and mental health. I can barely function at work, or continue trying to conceal my feelings from those around me. The only times I feel ok is when I think about/relive my feelings for this guy - but then I think about how impossible and unsustainable a relationship with him would be (and also how insufficient plain friendship feels) OR when I think about the possibility of being loved by a woman - but then I can't help but feel like the quality of my feelings towards anybody - even those of my preferred gender- would never be able to match up with the feelings I have towards this guy. This has been going on for so long now, I feel like I have turned myself inside out so often I'm close to unravelling completely. 

 

Any thoughts, advice or even just anecdotes of similar experiences would be hugely appreciated.

 

 

 

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I don't really know even where to start unpacking all this from, but these are the questions I have:

 

1. Is the anxiety you feel about being in a relationship with this guy to do with being scared of how it would affect your life in practice, and you're worried of people's reactions etc., or is it to do with something else? There are a couple of places in your post where you mention 'x makes me feel y', but without further analysis, which is crucial.

 

2. How close are you with this person? In my experience, that kind of infatuation happens when you're in love with the idea of someone rather than the actual person. However, I'm sure this isn't always the case, but I would be concerned if you don't spend a lot of time together or talk a lot. You may have focused in on this person because in your mind, they meet a lot of your needs, which is why the infatuation is lasting so long - sometimes we meet someone we truly feel is the emotional answer to everything we've ever craved for, and usually are bitterly disappointed when we get to know them on an intimate level for a long time. I won't assume this is the case, but I don't see any healthy reason for infatuation to last as intensely for so many years, unless it's something about your own psyche that keeps you focused on in like that.

 

It seems you're really struggling with understanding your sexuality/romantic attractions atm. There is a lot going on here and you have a lot of questions without answers. We may be able to shed some light but to be perfectly honest, I think you'd get the most use talking to a therapist that can work with you over a longer term, digging down and finding said answers, especially given how it is currently affecting your life, the depression, anger and anxiety.

 

I wouldn't think it wise to make any relationship decisions until you understand yourself a bit better.

I'm sorry if my answer isn't entirely relevant - I found your thoughts a bit chaotic and hard to understand at times.

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Hello foxconfessor, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :cake:

 

I think ArcticFoxes' question point in the right direction. And one of her statements might apply to my own situation. Apart from that, I'm just posting to make sure you're offered some cake here :-)

 

:cake::cake::cake:

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Thanks for responding. Sorry my thoughts came out a little jumbled - wasn't in the best of places at the time of posting. To answer your questions, I believe the idea of "liking the idea of someone" is certainly a valid point and definitely occurred during the first year of this acquaintance when I had barely spoken to him. But since then we hung out sporadically but intensely - whole days and evenings together but with weeks/months of nothing in between. He even once invited me on holiday, and also to move in with him, so we were in fact pretty close at one point.  

 

The thing was, on paper he was perfect, but when I got to know him found he was even more wonderful than I had imagined. But while I like him (perhaps even love) more than anyone else I've known, the attraction I've felt towards him is pretty sporadic and a little third person?

 

I think the fact I've been able to feel anything at all for a guy, combined with my struggle accepting being gay, has proved to be a toxic combination. I have also started comparing the feelings of longing and attachment I have felt towards him to those I felt many years ago to my female best friend at school and college - to whom I felt no real sexual attraction but many other intense (yet sort of peripheral) feelings, that didn't seem to fit the boundaries of a normal friendship but equally wouldn't have held up in a romantic relationship. I think the lines between friendship and romantic relationships can get pretty blurred at times which is why I've found it more helpful to examine my sexuality in isolation of individual relationships in my life. 

 

I've been seriously considering seeing a therapist lately but it still feels really daunting and the expense may also prove tricky for me. 

 

 

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