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Am I asexual?


Pallyndrome

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8 hours ago, Pallyndrome said:

Hi. I've been browsing this site a little but nothing seems conclusive yet and there's so much to go through that I'm hoping someone here can help.

 

im a woman, late twenties, virgin. And I don't just mean I've never had sex. I've never dreamed about myself having sex - not even daydreamed. The very idea disgusts me and makes me anxious. I've kissed once or twice but it did absolutely nothing for me, in fact I thought it was sloppy gross. 

 

But! I do get aroused. At least I'm assuming that feeling down there that sometimes resembles busting to go to the toilet  is arousal. But I get it when reading slash fanfiction, and some bdsm stories. Usually stories between men and women don't do much for me, but slash gets me feeling warm. The physical feelings aren't overwhelming, I don't think I've ever orgasmed. I get much more aroused from stories that involve hurt/comfort (whump for those of you who know the term) or stories that are about bondage/bdsm. Usually purely sex stories don't do it for me (has to hand hurt/comfort or bdsm). Sometimes gay sex does but not often.

 

I've only ever felt that kind of arousal for an actual human being a handful of times (I am only into stories where the characters are completely fictional), and those have been for usually, Tom Hiddleston or his look in a guy (I seem to have a type- tall thin and nerdy). But that never progresses into wanting sex with those people, or to even wanting to see their genitals. I never dream about having sex with anyone, I've never even had the thought cross my mind. I can't stand to look at pictures of peoples genitals, especially guys, I find it grosses me out (no offence to anyone with genitals, that's just the feeling I get). I have never even looked at my own genitals in a mirror really. I think if I ever did see a partners genitalia I'd probably be thinking it from a curiosity/scientific viewpoint - oh that's interesting but nothing more. I've never looked at porn, even cartoon porn makes me uncomfortable let alone the real stuff. The closest I've come is my stories.

 

I've never masturbated, I've never felt the want to. Again if I ever did it, it would be out of curiosity. I think I would be able to, judging by the feelings I get when reading. But I am perfectly happy with my stories and nothing else. I do want a relationship! I like hugs. I want to have someone to share my life with and rely on and maybe have kids with one day. I even have a few guy friends who could turn into that one day. But while i can say that they look nice enough, I can think they're handsome, I never want to do physical stuff with them. One of them can even tell that, they told me the other day. They said I want a best friend, not a boyfriend, cause I don't want anything physical. And I thought about it, and I realised yeah I think I could go my whole life without sex and be happy about it.

 

at first I thought I might be demisexual, but the more I think about it, the more I feel I would never want to see anyone naked, let alone have sex with them. Even if I loved them (and I'm still not sure what romantic love feels like anyway).

 

but here comes the twist. I'm not sure if this means I have some form of asexuality, or if I am reacting to my religious upbringing and mental illness. 

 

I was raised Christian. My parents are NOT majorly conservative, but they are modest and discreet (to this day my mum refuses to talk about sex). I got the conservative stuff from church. I got really really into it as a teen, and of course included was "no sex before marriage". I had crushes, but never did more than hold hands with a guy and that made me feel overwhelmed and when he tried to kiss, I ended it for religious worries of going too far too fast. When I was in my final school year I developed a huge mental breakdown, that was eventually diagnosed as Depression and OCD centered around religious worries. That was 11 years ago and I am still picking up the pieces. It has taken years of therapy to peel away all those conservative ways of thinking. I still consider myself a Christian, but I find church services distressing and I don't agree with many of what I think are non-core things in Christianity (eg I am now pro homosexuality and am perfectly fine with bdsm and the like). I don't agree anymore that sex is a sacred thing only for marriage. I do personally like to think of it as being best between those committed long term, but I think that's more thinking of sex as something special than a religious worry and I'm not against those who disagree. I am not sure about porn from a religious view yet, still working on that, but I'm sure even if I was sure God was fine with it, I'd still find it gross.

 

So, I'm not sure whether I am a kind of asexual and will never want sex, or whether this is another thing my mental illness makes hard on me. Am I asexual or just a religious prude? I'm starting to think I am more asexual since I can't imagine having sex with a partner without a while lot of anxiety and disgust. Maybe I'd enjoy it, and maybe I'd have to try it to find out (I don't want to have to do that). But my comfort zone says no, never. 

 

Sorry this is so long but i had to say all of it... hope someone here can help me work it out.

 

EDIT: I should probably add, while I get butterflies sometimes about Tom hiddleston, what I'm really into is his character Loki, who is in most of the fanfiction I read. My attraction to Tom is secondary to my attraction to Loki. I often daydream about Loki, sex included, but it's always fantasy. I'm never in it, no one real is in it (I don't read Hiddleston fanfiction) and I usually pair him with a guy anyway lol. I am not the type of girl who would love any movie Tom is in. I'm even not attracted to some of his other characters.

Hi! Wow, you've been going through a lot of self discovery which is awesome! I'm just sorry it's been such a struggling journey though. Anyhow, there is no way I can know how your religious upbringing has affected your sexuality. But it sounds a lot like you are describing yourself as someone who is asexual and sex repulsed, but you still perhaps have a sexual libido because you feel arousal. It's possible to become aroused and maybe want to take care of it, but the difference between someone who is sexual and asexual is the sexual person wants to have sex with another person when they are aroused and an asexual person basically wants to take care of it themselves. 

 

I am gray asexual sex favorable or neutral with a very low libido. This means for me that I have been sexually attracted to like three people ever (meaning I was strongly curious what sex would be like with them because I felt such a strong attraction and thought it might be different or special), I have never felt sexual desire with another person, yet I don't always mind having sex for other reasons (fun, experimentation, sometimes it feels good when it's happening, love, pleasing my SO, getting to know my SO on a different level, getting to a new level of vulnerability and trust).  I can lean into sex if I'm feeling particularly emotionally or romantically close to my SO in the moment and get into the mood if he initiates it, but not always. When I'm not feeling it, I say no.  I could live my life happily with never having sex again, but I don't mind it when it happens. Also with the low libido, I hardly ever feel horny or aroused. I don't daydream or have sexual fantasies. I have never had a sex dream. My closest thing to a sex dream is dreaming about a real acquaintance in my life who I find attractive and us going on some sort of life risk taking adventure where we have to protect each other. I wake up feeling very close to them and then realize sadly that I don't actually know them that well in real life. I can become aroused by reading erotic stories, but they are always about other people. 

 

Anyhow, if you do end up identifying with being asexual sex repulsed, there is a very good chance you may never have sex with someone else. And that's okay! Good luck on your journey to self discovery and I wish you the best! 

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@Pallyndrome, I just experienced the same kind of reaction to reading fanfiction this morning. I was so confused!  

 

My point is, you're not alone!

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