Am I asexual?

[Pallyndrome]

Hi. I've been browsing this site a little but nothing seems conclusive yet and there's so much to go through that I'm hoping someone here can help.

 

im a woman, late twenties, virgin. And I don't just mean I've never had sex. I've never dreamed about myself having sex - not even daydreamed. The very idea disgusts me and makes me anxious. I've kissed once or twice but it did absolutely nothing for me, in fact I thought it was sloppy gross. 

 

But! I do get aroused. At least I'm assuming that feeling down there that sometimes resembles busting to go to the toilet  is arousal. But I get it when reading slash fanfiction, and some bdsm stories. Usually stories between men and women don't do much for me, but slash gets me feeling warm. The physical feelings aren't overwhelming, I don't think I've ever orgasmed. I get much more aroused from stories that involve hurt/comfort (whump for those of you who know the term) or stories that are about bondage/bdsm. Usually purely sex stories don't do it for me (has to hand hurt/comfort or bdsm). Sometimes gay sex does but not often.

 

I've only ever felt that kind of arousal for an actual human being a handful of times (I am only into stories where the characters are completely fictional), and those have been for usually, Tom Hiddleston or his look in a guy (I seem to have a type- tall thin and nerdy). But that never progresses into wanting sex with those people, or to even wanting to see their genitals. I never dream about having sex with anyone, I've never even had the thought cross my mind. I can't stand to look at pictures of peoples genitals, especially guys, I find it grosses me out (no offence to anyone with genitals, that's just the feeling I get). I have never even looked at my own genitals in a mirror really. I think if I ever did see a partners genitalia I'd probably be thinking it from a curiosity/scientific viewpoint - oh that's interesting but nothing more. I've never looked at porn, even cartoon porn makes me uncomfortable let alone the real stuff. The closest I've come is my stories.

 

I've never masturbated, I've never felt the want to. Again if I ever did it, it would be out of curiosity. I think I would be able to, judging by the feelings I get when reading. But I am perfectly happy with my stories and nothing else. I do want a relationship! I like hugs. I want to have someone to share my life with and rely on and maybe have kids with one day. I even have a few guy friends who could turn into that one day. But while i can say that they look nice enough, I can think they're handsome, I never want to do physical stuff with them. One of them can even tell that, they told me the other day. They said I want a best friend, not a boyfriend, cause I don't want anything physical. And I thought about it, and I realised yeah I think I could go my whole life without sex and be happy about it.

 

at first I thought I might be demisexual, but the more I think about it, the more I feel I would never want to see anyone naked, let alone have sex with them. Even if I loved them (and I'm still not sure what romantic love feels like anyway).

 

but here comes the twist. I'm not sure if this means I have some form of asexuality, or if I am reacting to my religious upbringing and mental illness. 

 

I was raised Christian. My parents are NOT majorly conservative, but they are modest and discreet (to this day my mum refuses to talk about sex). I got the conservative stuff from church. I got really really into it as a teen, and of course included was "no sex before marriage". I had crushes, but never did more than hold hands with a guy and that made me feel overwhelmed and when he tried to kiss, I ended it for religious worries of going too far too fast. When I was in my final school year I developed a huge mental breakdown, that was eventually diagnosed as Depression and OCD centered around religious worries. That was 11 years ago and I am still picking up the pieces. It has taken years of therapy to peel away all those conservative ways of thinking. I still consider myself a Christian, but I find church services distressing and I don't agree with many of what I think are non-core things in Christianity (eg I am now pro homosexuality and am perfectly fine with bdsm and the like). I don't agree anymore that sex is a sacred thing only for marriage. I do personally like to think of it as being best between those committed long term, but I think that's more thinking of sex as something special than a religious worry and I'm not against those who disagree. I am not sure about porn from a religious view yet, still working on that, but I'm sure even if I was sure God was fine with it, I'd still find it gross.

 

So, I'm not sure whether I am a kind of asexual and will never want sex, or whether this is another thing my mental illness makes hard on me. Am I asexual or just a religious prude? I'm starting to think I am more asexual since I can't imagine having sex with a partner without a while lot of anxiety and disgust. Maybe I'd enjoy it, and maybe I'd have to try it to find out (I don't want to have to do that). But my comfort zone says no, never. 

 

Sorry this is so long but i had to say all of it... hope someone here can help me work it out.

 

EDIT: I should probably add, while I get butterflies sometimes about Tom hiddleston, what I'm really into is his character Loki, who is in most of the fanfiction I read. My attraction to Tom is secondary to my attraction to Loki. I often daydream about Loki, sex included, but it's always fantasy. I'm never in it, no one real is in it (I don't read Hiddleston fanfiction) and I usually pair him with a guy anyway lol. I am not the type of girl who would love any movie Tom is in. I'm even not attracted to some of his other characters.

[viennaguy94]

To me this sounds a lot like you're asexual.

 

It's totally possible that you feel repulsed because of your religion or other cultural reasons. Depression might also inhibit your sex drive. However, if you never really experienced sexual attraction towards anybody, it's very likely that you are asexual. It's also quite common for asexuals to get aroused by certain fantasies or fictional stories.

[Pallyndrome]

25 minutes ago, viennaguy94 said:

 

thank you. That helps. I know it sounds weird, but having a label is kind of nice. I don't have to think I'm just weird anymore. I think I always assumed that no one really wanted to have sex before they did it and found they enjoyed it. But I'm realising lately that maybe other kids did want it before they did it? That they had sexual urges and dreams? I always assumed others were like me and had none of that.

 

I've always had crushes. And sometimes those have been intense, like I'm obsessed with the person and have to see them and am dying to know they like me (but that could be the obsessive part of OCD now I think of it), but the most I've wanted physically is to hold hands and I'm fairly sure that was because it was the conventional thing to do. I never thought of those guys sexually. I thought they looked nice sometimes. I remember one boy in high school who had a nose I liked lol. And I always assumed I'd have sex one day - I assumed I'd marry and have kids like everyone else. I didn't stop and think if that's what I really wanted. And now I think about it, I don't want sex. 

 

Im very aware though that that's what guys want nowadays. Finding a guy who's happy just to hug would be tricky

[Rynn]

Hiya, welcome

I'm not going to tell you what you are, because that's up to you to decide, but I can give you some words to look up

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

The very idea disgusts me and makes me anxious.

This sounds like you're sex-repulsed (as opposed to sex-favorable or sex indifferent. Whether you're sex-repulsed or sex favorable is irrelevant to whether you're sex-positive or sex-negative, that's a different thing.)

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

I'm assuming that feeling down there that sometimes resembles busting to go to the toilet  is arousal.

Yeah.

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

(I am only into stories where the characters are completely fictional

Maybe look up the words fictosexual and autochorissexual

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

I do want a relationship!

Okay sounds like you're not aromantic then. 

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

I like hugs.  i can say that they look nice enough

That sounds like sensual attraction and aesthetic attraction.

Spoiler

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

But that never progresses into wanting sex with those people,

Well, not ever desiring sex with people is kind of the definition of asexuality (not ever being sexually attracted to anyone is another definition).

 

1 hour ago, Pallyndrome said:

I'm not sure if this means I have some form of asexuality, or if I am reacting to my religious upbringing and mental illness. 

Well, your depression and OCD could have played a role in how your sexuality developed (I think it's unlikely Christianity did, because Christians aren't more likely to be asexual than other people. Depressed people are more likely to have no interest in sex than other people), but the question is 'does it matter?'

This is what you are now. I don't know how you would go about dissecting your life to the point where you can pinpoint what caused you to have no interest in sex and I don't know what you would want to do with that information. Would you want to cure yourself of your asexuality? (By going to therapy or something) Do you want to want sex? Even if you cured your lack of libido, that still wouldn't instantly cure your sex-repulsion or lack of attraction. Changing what you are now would be difficult.

 

If you do want to cure yourself, then think about why. If it's for yourself (you want to want sex) then go ahead, but if it's for others/society (you want to be normal) then be careful, because that's not healthy.

 

Generally, if people come on here and say that their libido has suddenly disappeared, we advise them to go see a therapist/doctor about it, but when it's a lifelong lack of libido/attraction/desire, we advise them to accept it.

[Pallyndrome]

thanks Lauren that's really helpful. 

 

I'll look up those terms at some point, right now I'm a little overwhelmed by all the terminology.

 

if I wanted to be cured, it wouldn't be for me. I'm happy like this. I would be tempted to do it for a partner but I do realise that would be unhealthy. Can't stop feeling down about my prospects  of finding a guy like this though.

[Rynn]

@Pallyndrome

Okay, no worries, figuring yourself out isn't a race. Take as much time as you need  

 

Yeah dating prospects are not great unfortunately...

[Pallyndrome]

I talked with my psychologist about this once a while ago. She does a lot of work with sexual fears, another form of OCD. She didn't think I'm asexual cause I sometimes like reading romantic books with sex in them. I do sometimes get a craving for sex stories, and binge them for a while. I think she thought that meant I have a sex drive.... it's confusing

 

If I'm remembering right, she said I'll feel ready for sex one day.

but I don't want to live like that, waiting to be normal. I don't want to tell a guy, one day we can do it. I want to be able to say now that I don't want sex, ever.

[Rynn]

Well, she doesn't know what she's talking about then. Most asexuals like that. It doesn't even mean you have a sex drive (because you still don't ever want to masturbate), but if you did, that still wouldn't mean you're not asexual. I'm not sure on the exact stats, but over half of all asexuals have a solo sex drive and masturbate. That doesn't make them any less asexual. 

A person is asexual when they never feel the sort of attraction to a person that leads to a desire for sex with that person. 

 

I understand how frustrating it is to have people pretend they know you better than you know yourself. To me it feels very icky and invasive when people tell me I'll want sex some day, because in a way they are ignoring a boundary I set and telling me that my 'no' doesn't really mean 'no' in the long run. It feels like a symbolic violation or at least disregard of my (ability to) consent.

 

I don't know how to solve this issue for you, because people tend not to listen to you no matter how much you tell them you really don't want sex, but I can tell you that the longer you persist in identifying as asexual, the more likely people are to start listening to you, though it's never a guarantee. It's tough, but just know that you're not alone in this. We all (all of us asexuals) have to go through it.

[Pallyndrome]

Thank you Laurann! I feel really reassured by this

 

 

i was just talking to my mum, managed to open her up a bit. She said sex used to repulse her too, before she first did it at a young age. She doesn't feel repulsed anymore. She did have sexual dreams and desires before sex though. I don't remember having anything like that. And even if I could be cured of my repulsiveness to sex by doing it, I don't want to have to go through that.

[Rynn]

Well, I have heard of studies on women's sexuality that show that women are more willing to do things they are disgusted by when they are aroused/ when they desire sex.

Of course, since you don't sound like you have that desire in the first place I don't think that'll work for you.

 

I don't think I want to risk being traumatized by a sexual experience I don't want just so I can cure myself of sex-repulsion and have more sex that I never wanted...

[Pallyndrome]

So you can both desire sex, and be repulsed by it? This is so confusing

 

but i agree, not worth the risk 

[Pallyndrome]

20 minutes ago, Laurann said:

A person is asexual when they never feel the sort of attraction to a person that leads to a desire for sex with that person. 

What exactly does this attraction feel like, if it's not obviously a want for sex? Because you said it's an attraction that leads to a desire for sex. Is it possible that I'm just not recognising it?

[ArcticFoxes]

I don't think it's your upbringing. In my experience, sexual attraction seems to override anxiety or conservative views long enough for something to happen with a partner if you do feel it.

 

You sound a fair bit like me. Experience sexual attraction, love fanfiction, love hurt/comfort (what i call "emotional porn" xD) and interest in BDSM but no real desire to get genitaly with anyone. I adopted the label gray-ace because I iinvestigated BDSM thoroughly, and managed to get sexual kicks from it a few times, and just once i felt sexual attraction to a person. Made me realise I don't feel it the rest of the time

 

I still want to have sex because I'm interested in it as a concept, but I also have many times I feel sex-repulsed or sex averse and that's fine! You can adopt the ace label and never have sex under your own will if you want to. Isn't that cool?  it's all your choice though - just do what makes you happy and comfortable. 

[ArcticFoxes]

12 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

So you can both desire sex, and be repulsed by it? This is so confusing

 

but i agree, not worth the risk 

Yes. I'm normally repulsed but certain things can override it. Like I mentioned earlier (as did someone else), arousal can override it a bit, or romantic love can override it a little for me. In general I think sexual attraction overrides it hardest.

 

8 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

What exactly does this attraction feel like, if it's not obviously a want for sex? Because you said it's an attraction that leads to a desire for sex. Is it possible that I'm just not recognising it?

In my experience it was literally "i want your body on mine and genitals on genitals/in orifices", coupled with aesthetic attraction. It was literally that crude and simple. It felt a bit like a craving for a really nice food and gravitating towards it in the fridge.

 

I don't like it. My husband says he can't imagine living without it. Go figure.

[Pallyndrome]

I don't even know what ace means

 

arctic fox, can I ask - did you realise all this before or after you met your husband? I'm interested in how a potential partner sees someone who says they don't want sex...

[Rynn]

5 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

So you can both desire sex, and be repulsed by it? This is so confusing

Yes you can! Sex-repulsion is a separate factor from sexual desire. There are non-asexuals who are sex-repulsed. You can be repulsed by certain types of sex (I don't want to go into details, but there are some types out there that would make anyone gag) and still have a fetish that makes you desire that type of sex.

 

1 minute ago, Pallyndrome said:

What exactly does this attraction feel like, if it's not obviously a want for sex? Because you said it's an attraction that leads to a desire for sex. Is it possible that I'm just not recognising it?

(Well, I don't experience sexual attraction or desire so maybe you should ask someone who does.)

Okay so there are two definitions of asexuality and there's a huge debate going on as to which one is correct.

 

First there's the AVEN definition: An asexual is a person who lacks sexual attraction.

AVEN then defines sexual attraction like this: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

As you can see, they define sexual attraction as sexual desire.

 

Then there's another definition which is popular on AVEN, which skips the whole sexual attraction part of the definition because all it does is confuse people. 

An asexual is a person who lacks the desire for partnered sex. 

 

I think the second one is better, because the term 'sexual attraction' is vague as hell and how would you know if you've felt it if you don't know what it feels like?

Spoiler

https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/if-you-can-see-the-invisible-elephant-please-describe-it/

If it's basically the same thing as sexual desire (wanting to have sex with someone) anyways, then why not just use that as a definition instead? It's so much clearer.

 

I wrote:

9 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

A person is asexual when they never feel the sort of attraction to a person that leads to a desire for sex with that person.

because I didn't want anyone who believes in the first definition to come here and start the whole definition debate again, but what I wanted to write was:

'A person is asexual when they never desire to have sex with anyone.' because that's just the most logical and concise way to put it.

[Rynn]

Just now, Pallyndrome said:

ace

ace is just short for asexual, just like gay is short for homosexual.

[Pallyndrome]

Thanks! Those two definitions do sound the same if you take the definition of sexual attraction into account.

 

Ok so I'm definitely sex repulsed. But I also don't have desire for sex. So either way, I'm asexual. Does that sound right?

 

my mind is freezing up a little cause this is confusing. I'll probably have to read back through this all a few times. With my OCD, I doubt myself and my own reasoning so that doesn't help either.

 

 

[Rynn]

Just now, Pallyndrome said:

Ok so I'm definitely sex repulsed. But I also don't have desire for sex. So either way, I'm asexual. Does that sound right?

It does to me  

[Pallyndrome]

Arctic fox - I do find bdsm stories arousing but I don't think I could ever do it in real life. I think I'd get so anxious I'd have a panic attack. I can feel it coming when I even relate it to myself, rather than fictional characters. And that might be from my OCD. 

I feel panicky about sex sometimes too but it's not only that, it's also the repulsiveness and the lack of desire for it.

[ArcticFoxes]

20 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

Arctic fox - I do find bdsm stories arousing but I don't think I could ever do it in real life. I think I'd get so anxious I'd have a panic attack. I can feel it coming when I even relate it to myself, rather than fictional characters. And that might be from my OCD. 

I feel panicky about sex sometimes too but it's not only that, it's also the repulsiveness and the lack of desire for it.

 

I love S and M, but I put in a really big separation between sex and the kink I enjoy. I don't want sex mixed in, or kink as foreplay to sex. I just want the BDSM, the rope, the hitty and hurty things, humiliation stuff, dressing up, all that sort of thing. I enjoy the physical sensations, the intense interactions between partners and the idea of how twisted it is. I can get a kick out of it that feels a little sexual, but in the kind of twisted, satisfying way of if you see a character you hate on TV suffer. I also don't desire it that often, but enjoy it when I do.

 

It's probably still better in my fantasies than IRL though. You don't need to do it in real life unless you want to or are curious.

 

You know, it's really not weird to feel anxious and panicked at the prospect of doing something you don't want to do. That's not specific to sex, that's specific to everything in life.

 

28 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

I don't even know what ace means

 

arctic fox, can I ask - did you realise all this before or after you met your husband? I'm interested in how a potential partner sees someone who says they don't want sex...

I realised it all after I met him. But the thing is, I'm pretty highly romantic and can't really survive a monogamous relationship in which I can't fall in love with other people, and I knew THAT before meeting him. He is the same but with sexual attraction, so we both went into the relationship intending to be polyamorous. At a push we could probably be monogamous, but it's neither of our preference and would get frustrating.

 

I'm also quite lucky in that he has high sexual attraction to people (almost everyone we meet that is nice, I swear!) but once he's had sex with a person, it satisfies the curiosity and his libido is actually really low. So we end up having sex once every few weeks for romantic reasons, and I don't mind because it's so rare, there's no pressure on me, and I can easily say 'nah' and it all be fine, because of his low libido. Plus, other people. So we're both pretty fulfilled.

 

Actually, he was more excited to find the grey-ace label for me than I was. I was kinda gutted because I'd tried to hard to be sexual because I wanted to be normal and enjoy it like everyone else I know does, but it just wasn't me. So I was sorta commiserating whilst he was happy for me because I'd be able to find others like me and become a more authentic version of myself, I guess.

[Pallyndrome]

Thanks  i don't think I could be polyamorous but I'm not against those who are.

 

 

You know, I don't even like my breasts. I mean sure they're a part of me, but on the odd occasion where they've hardened and become sensitive, I don't like it at all. I also don't like touching them much. But other people like that don't they?

[ArcticFoxes]

1 minute ago, Pallyndrome said:

Thanks  i don't think I could be polyamorous but I'm not against those who are.

 

 

You know, I don't even like my breasts. I mean sure they're a part of me, but on the odd occasion where they've hardened and become sensitive, I don't like it at all. I also don't like touching them much. But other people like that don't they?

I don't know.  Depends what it represents to you I suppose? I like mine because I like the female form aesthetically, and mine fit my aesthetic preferences. But uh, female genitals, including my own....euuuh :s the only thing I like about them is they're hidden, unlike male parts.

[Pallyndrome]

5 minutes ago, ArcticFoxes said:

I don't know.  Depends what it represents to you I suppose? I like mine because I like the female form aesthetically, and mine fit my aesthetic preferences. But uh, female genitals, including my own....euuuh :s the only thing I like about them is they're hidden, unlike male parts.

Oh I don't mean I don't like how they look. I can appreciate how they look, and how other peoples' look. I'm even a bit disappointed that they've sagged with my weight loss lol. 

But I don't like interacting with them, playing with them. Honestly most of the time I forget they're there. I'd never want them touched sexually.

[Rynn]

2 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

You know, I don't even like my breasts. I mean sure they're a part of me, but on the odd occasion where they've hardened and become sensitive, I don't like it at all. I also don't like touching them much. But other people like that don't they?

Are you asking me? I don't know if other people like them like that. I've never thought about that. I know my mom and sister both dislike theirs because they're just in your way all of the time.

 

I don't like mine, but that's because I'm agender and I'd like to get rid of them (surgically) as soon as possible..

[Pallyndrome]

 

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

Are you asking me? I don't know if other people like them like that. I've never thought about that. I know my mom and sister both dislike theirs because they're just in your way all of the time.

 

I don't like mine, but that's because I'm agender and I'd like to get rid of them (surgically) as soon as possible..

Oh I'm asking anyone I guess.

 

I've read plenty of sexual stories where breasts come into play. Actually most of what I know about sex comes from those stories

 

If you want them gone, i hope you can soon  

[ArcticFoxes]

2 minutes ago, Pallyndrome said:

Oh I don't mean I don't like how they look. I can appreciate how they look, and how other peoples' look. I'm even a bit disappointed that they've sagged with my weight loss lol. 

But I don't like interacting with them, playing with them. Honestly most of the time I forget they're there. I'd never want them touched sexually.

I also can't imagine touching breasts purely sexually. It'd have to have some measure of S&M or sensual or romantic or aesthetic or sooomething else going on as well.

I am more indifferent to my own than you, though, assuming I'm the one touching. I don't like other people doing it.

[Rynn]

1 minute ago, Pallyndrome said:

If you want them gone, i hope you can soon  

aww thanks  

[tarapayrach]

2 hours ago, Pallyndrome said:

Arctic fox - I do find bdsm stories arousing but I don't think I could ever do it in real life. I think I'd get so anxious I'd have a panic attack. I can feel it coming when I even relate it to myself, rather than fictional characters. And that might be from my OCD. 

I feel panicky about sex sometimes too but it's not only that, it's also the repulsiveness and the lack of desire for it.

Same! Love reading about it, never want to partake. Apparently this phenomenon has a name! It's called autochorissexualism, which is a "disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein." 

[Mermaidy]

4 hours ago, Pallyndrome said:

I talked with my psychologist about this once a while ago. She does a lot of work with sexual fears, another form of OCD. She didn't think I'm asexual cause I sometimes like reading romantic books with sex in them. 

pretty sure by that logic heterosexuals can't read stories with gay sex without actually being bisexual or gay, homosexuals can't read stories with straight sex without being bisexual or straight.  I think the psychologist just misunderstood