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Pressure to perform - even for aces?


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Lord Jade Cross

Ok, let me see if I got this right. Sex is desired by partners but in order for it to be satisfactory, it has to fall under at least one of two categories. 

 

1) The partner is skilled sex wise

 

2) The partner is enthusiastic (I think there should be a different word for the purpose of differentiation)

 

If both are present, then its comsidered to be good sex, but if one is missing, the other can compensate for it momentarily. 

 

Prolonged absence of either factor will result in the overall view of the person as an adequate partner to diminish. Possibly resulting in sex being desired with someone else.

 

Am I getting this right so far?

 

 

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Yes, in essence. But it's not a calculated thing - I had to mentally unpick it to explain it.

 

In particular, it's not about viewing the other person as an 'inadequate partner' and replacing them with someone else. It's about the effect the lack of engagement/enthusiasm with sex has on the relationship. After long enough, the sexual partner backs off out of self protection (this might include attempts to talk about it, see if the situation is fixable, etc), and the emotional connection diminishes, particularly if the partner not interested in sex doesn't seem very bothered about resolving the situation. Then between sexual frustration and feeling disconnected and lonely in the relationship (partly because of lack of sex, partly because the sexually uninterested partner just doesn't seem bothered about doing anything about it), the more sexual person is in a position where they're open to finding sex (and a degree of connection) elsewhere.

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2 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

So then why all the constant complaints about sex not being good enough with just the physical performance if then its going to get turned around and said that it is about physical performance?

Because it depends on what someone is after. On a one night stand for example, people tend to focus on physical technique. In an emotional relationship, someone might expect more than just the physical. For one person, emotional outweighs technique, for someone else it may not. It's preference based. It's a good idea to know what someone values sexually before having relations with them, I feel.

 

Finally, people have different preferences of even sexual technique. So you could be good in bed for one person, and shit for another. There is no hard or fast answer, except learning what a partner likes, with every partner.

 

Slight digression, but still.

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Lord Jade Cross

I understand its not a calculated thing (although we could go into established ideal and consequent clashes but I think that would be a whole other thread in of its own) but its the closest thing I can get to in order to understanding, and by what you mentioned just now, it seems to explain it rather closely.

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Fair enough. I didn't want it to come across as some transactional 'well you're giving me sex so I'll get it off someone else' thing, which is how sexuals expecting sexual relationships to involve sex often gets interpreted on AVEN.

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Lord Jade Cross
16 minutes ago, ArcticFoxes said:

Because it depends on what someone is after. On a one night stand for example, people tend to focus on physical technique. In an emotional relationship, someone might expect more than just the physical. For one person, emotional outweighs technique, for someone else it may not. It's preference based. It's a good idea to know what someone values sexually before having relations with them, I feel.

 

Finally, people have different preferences of even sexual technique. So you could be good in bed for one person, and shit for another. There is no hard or fast answer, except learning what a partner likes, with every partner.

 

Slight digression, but still.

How or when does comparability play a role in the longer lasting relationships?

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Lord Jade Cross
20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Fair enough. I didn't want it to come across as some transactional 'well you're giving me sex so I'll get it off someone else' thing, which is how sexuals expecting sexual relationships to involve sex often gets interpreted on AVEN.

But wouldnt that be technically true? Because isnt the overall ideal that if a relationship is not giving you what you're seeking, sex or otherwise, you should find it with someone else?

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It's no more true than if you weren't getting something else you needed to sustain the relationship.

 

The key difference is that it's not that partners are sexual vending machines, o rit doesn't matter who the sex is with. We'd rather have sex with our partners, at least to start with. Having sex with someone else only happens after it's clearly a lost cause with our partners, and that absence has fundamentally weakened the rest of the relationship (quite often in part because the non-sexual partner shows no signs of taking our needs seriously enough to actually do anything about them). A new sexual relationship will quite often bring that connection we're missing, and that's what can increase the schism, not simply that we're performing a particular physical act with them.

 

But I'm not claiming it's purely about emotions, although they're generally more important. Sexuals are mostly, by this stage, horny as fuck and feeling rejected, and someone wanting to have sex with them is glorious after the inadvertent kicking their ego is getting from their partner.

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Lord Jade Cross

But it still sounds like the vicious cycle doesnt it? If the sex is available, the emotions are wanted, but if the emotions are available and sex is missing, it inevitably ends up in the same situation.

 

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Yes. In a relationship, emotions and sex are intrinsically woven together, for most people. We can do one without the other for a while, but not forever, generally.

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19 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

As in the title - not performing, not being "good in bed", even hypothetically (if, for example, someone is asexual and sexually inactive, buy says that zhe would be able to please a partner in a hypothetical sexual situation), seems so embarassing in our culture that even asexuals seem to be under this pressure. I've noticed it a few times on this forum, first of all in an old topic about the issue if an asexual person would be able to be sexually satisfying for an allosexual partner (I don't remember the exact title). I don't understand it. I'm not ashamed to admit that even if I could bring myself to try sex (which I most likely couldn't), all my theoretical knowledge about sex would most likely be completely unhelpful and I wouldn't know what to do.

Maybe it's another way of saying "so if you have an eye on me, give it up because it would never be satisfying anyway even for you".

Honestly, being good in bed is more about listening to your partner and what they want than anything you know before hand.

 

Out of four partners, they've all wanted something different. So, "skill" didn't transfer from one to another. I had to learn their body. 

 

Though, without the emotional being into it, it's hard to satisfy anyone fully. So, you can learn their body and to do everything they want, but still not satisfy them because you aren't into it. 

 

Personally, I could never satisfy someone that needed a fully sexual relationship. Even with my limited sexual desires I now know I have, I never could. I just can't get into a fully sexual relationship like that. I have been told I, physically, was good at things. I learned to control my gag reflex and stuff. But, I just don't have the passion required for it. 

 

On the flip side, the few minor things I can desire, I would never want to do with someone that had no desire for it themselves. It wouldn't be at all appealing if they were just doing it for me. Either we both want it, or nothing is happening. But, I can be completely satisfied if they were like "lets just cuddle instead" so. :)

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10 minutes ago, Serran said:

Honestly, being good in bed is more about listening to your partner and what they want than anything you know before hand.

 

Out of four partners, they've all wanted something different. So, "skill" didn't transfer from one to another. I had to learn their body. 

 

Though, without the emotional being into it, it's hard to satisfy anyone fully. So, you can learn their body and to do everything they want, but still not satisfy them because you aren't into it. 

 

Personally, I could never satisfy someone that needed a fully sexual relationship. Even with my limited sexual desires I now know I have, I never could. I just can't get into a fully sexual relationship like that. I have been told I, physically, was good at things. I learned to control my gag reflex and stuff. But, I just don't have the passion required for it. 

 

On the flip side, the few minor things I can desire, I would never want to do with someone that had no desire for it themselves. It wouldn't be at all appealing if they were just doing it for me. Either we both want it, or nothing is happening. But, I can be completely satisfied if they were like "lets just cuddle instead" so. :)

I think this misunderstanding about in some way being objectively good at sex kind of flows from asexuals not really seeing sex as inherently involving another person. While there are undoubtedly tricks and things that most people will like, as you say, it's more about finding things you both enjoy. The OP could become the most expert fellatrix in the world, but if her bf didn't like blow jobs, it's neither here nor there when it comes to her being a good lover with him. On the other hand, if all he wanted was blow jobs and she hates PIV they're going to have an amazing time.  

 

ETA: learning a new lover's body is a glorious, fun, bonding part of new relationship too for most people. And as people get more experienced about what they like and what they can do, there's more and more to discover. 

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think this misunderstanding about in some way being objectively good at sex kind of flows from asexuals not really seeing sex as inherently involving another person. While there are undoubtedly tricks and things that most people will like, as you say, it's more about finding things you both enjoy. The OP could become the most expert fellatrix in the world, but if her bf didn't like blow jobs, it's neither here nor there when it comes to her being a good lover with him. On the other hand, if all he wanted was blow jobs and she hates PIV they're going to have an amazing time.  

One thing I've had trouble with is so many guys want anal and I just was never willing to give that... so I never could fully satisfy the ones that wanted it. No matter how often or how good I would try to be at the other stuff. *shrug*

 

Compatibility and all is very important. 

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Thinking about it, I'm fairly sure there's no specific act that would make me feel unsatisfied if I never gave/received again, though I wouldn't like limiting the options too narrowly as a general thing.  As long as everybody's sating their lusts, I don't feel I've missed out.   

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10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Thinking about it, I'm fairly sure there's no specific act that would make me feel unsatisfied if I never gave/received again, though I wouldn't like limiting the options too narrowly as a general thing.  As long as everybody's sating their lusts, I don't feel I've missed out.   

My first boyfriend was fine with whatever. My second wanted to experiment, as he was a virgin, so he felt he was missing out unless he got to try everything. My third needed specific stuff, which ended up including multiple other people, exhibitionism and certain fetishes. My fourth had moods where only specific acts would satisfy his needs, so oral if it was an oral day, PiV if it was that, etc. I've had very hard to please partners. :P 

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Lord Jade Cross

Even if it had been just 1 partner, that still sounds like an exhausting activity to go through.

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