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Puck

Questions about Gray-Sexuality

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Puck

Got any general questions about gray-sexuality? Post them here to get answers and discussion from the gray-sexual community!

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QueenCrystal

Hello! I am currently questioning if I am Graysexual. Graysexuality is an umbrella term from what I heard for individuals that live between the Ace and Sexual Spectrum. For me personally I have experienced sexual attraction, but I have always not considered it to be enough to act on them. Like I wanted to wait until marriage because sex would require to much maintenance or something of that nature. And currently it just doesn't feel as important to me anymore. I was wondering if anyone can relate or give me advice?

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Pixley

I can't give you advice, but I can relate. When I was 18, and I first discovered AVEN and my identity, I thought I was totally cool with not dating or anything like that. In fact, I was totally relieved that I wasn't just a REALLY LATE bloomer. But 6 years later, I went from being an aro ace to a questioning one because I've realized that I've experienced what you're experiencing too and continue to do so, even moreso lately, so it's a little weird. I think I've just always tried to ignore it, or blame it on hormones because I knew I wasn't going to act on it anyway and like you said, because I knew it really wasn't strong enough to warrant any kind of follow through. So I think I might be grey too, but unfortunately I'm WAY too uncomfortable trying to figure that one out through, um, "personal experience".

 

So I totally get it. It's one of those "wanting our cake and eating it too" types of situations. Ugh. XD

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I Am Mel

Wasn't sure if i should post this here or make a new thread.

 

*TMI warning*

 

Right well a friend and I had a debate recently about sexual attraction that's somewhat lead me to question my sexuality a bit more and wonder if I may actually be somewhere on the asexual scale. I've always considered myself a rather sexual person as I do find people/the idea of acts sexually attractive but when it comes to the idea of me actual engaging in a sexual act I just want to cringe. In a way it  maybe more to do with me  being rather germaphobic at times and hating being touched unless its through a layer of clothing - cent even stand a hug unless I've got long sleeves on.

 

There is also the thing that as much as I find people sexually attractive I wouldn't/can't fantasise/think of doing anything sexual with them. I do very occasionally fantasise about engaging in a sexual act but when it come to reality I just don't think I could unless I was maybe in the correct mood to do so.

 

Also If it makes any difference I'm bisexual so I'm more wondering if gray-bisexual would be more appropriate or if I'm rather normal and actually not as sexual as i see myself.

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roland.o

Think of gray as a prefix. Gray-heterosexual, gray-bisexual, gray-asexual, and so on. The common problem of graysexuality, I think, is being stuck somewhere between (allo)sexual and asexual.

 

If you have no desire to participate in partnered sex, if you don't experience sexual attraction to another person, then you're most likely somewhere on the spectrum. Or scale, as you put it. Just a word of advice: if you call it "asexual scale/spectrum", you might trigger a definition debate. Asexuality is at one end of the spectrum, and some asexuals around here feel strongly that calling the whole spectrum by that name, although almost all of it is not asexuality, is a misnomer.

 

Have you investigated the different types of attraction? Maybe what you're feeling is more romantic than sexual attraction?

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

3 hours ago, I Am Mel said:

as much as I find people sexually attractive I wouldn't/can't fantasise/think of doing anything sexual with them

That could be sexual desire rather than attraction. Attraction (to me) implies that you're drawn into a particular direction, in this case towards a person. If it just makes you hot in general, it sounds more like libido to me.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Libido

 

 

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I Am Mel
40 minutes ago, roland.o said:

If you have no desire to participate in partnered sex, if you don't experience sexual attraction to another person, then you're most likely somewhere on the spectrum. Or scale, as you put it. Just a word of advice: if you call it "asexual scale/spectrum", you might trigger a definition debate. Asexuality is at one end of the spectrum, and some asexuals around here feel strongly that calling the whole spectrum by that name, although almost all of it is not asexuality, is a misnomer.

Ah please excuse my ignorance.  

 

40 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Have you investigated the different types of attraction? Maybe what you're feeling is more romantic than sexual attraction?

im pretty sure its sexual attractions - im just not overly keen on the sex part if that makes sense.

 

The closet way to define it is similar to Aesthetic attraction.... but maybe a little more then that... idk I'm not too bothered about it but it would be nice to know what to call it if there is something there to give a name :/

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roland.o
1 minute ago, I Am Mel said:

im pretty sure its sexual attractions - im just not overly keen on the sex part if that makes sense.

Then look into the "sex drive" vs. "sexual attraction" distinction. You might be sex-averse while feeling sexual attraction, or you might have a sex drive without feeling sexual attraction. Or something else entirely, who am I to tell :-)

 

Just for clarification: being aroused by someone, without feeling a desire to actually have sex with that someone, is not what I would call sexual attraction. Feeling the desire, but deciding against ever giving in to it, on the other hand, is something I would call attraction.

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I Am Mel
3 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Then look into the "sex drive" vs. "sexual attraction" distinction. You might be sex-averse while feeling sexual attraction, or you might have a sex drive without feeling sexual attraction. Or something else entirely, who am I to tell :-)

 

Just for clarification: being aroused by someone, without feeling a desire to actually have sex with that someone, is not what I would call sexual attraction. Feeling the desire, but deciding against ever giving in to it, on the other hand, is something I would call attraction.

Okay i will look deeper into it - Thanks a lot for your input! ;) 

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I Am Mel
7 minutes ago, roland.o said:

being aroused by someone, without feeling a desire to actually have sex with that someone, is not what I would call sexual attraction.

just out of interest what would you call it?

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roland.o

Arousal. Stimulation. Libido. Sex drive.

 

Something like that. But as long as the drive has no direction, I wouldn't call it attraction. I'd be aroused by that person, but not attracted to them.

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Deus Ex Infinity

There's no arousal without attraction for me.

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I Am Mel

hum okay thanks!

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Brennarr
On 10/22/2017 at 11:55 AM, I Am Mel said:

Wasn't sure if i should post this here or make a new thread.

 

*TMI warning*

 

Right well a friend and I had a debate recently about sexual attraction that's somewhat lead me to question my sexuality a bit more and wonder if I may actually be somewhere on the asexual scale. I've always considered myself a rather sexual person as I do find people/the idea of acts sexually attractive but when it comes to the idea of me actual engaging in a sexual act I just want to cringe. In a way it  maybe more to do with me  being rather germaphobic at times and hating being touched unless its through a layer of clothing - cent even stand a hug unless I've got long sleeves on.

 

There is also the thing that as much as I find people sexually attractive I wouldn't/can't fantasise/think of doing anything sexual with them. I do very occasionally fantasise about engaging in a sexual act but when it come to reality I just don't think I could unless I was maybe in the correct mood to do so.

 

Also If it makes any difference I'm bisexual so I'm more wondering if gray-bisexual would be more appropriate or if I'm rather normal and actually not as sexual as i see myself.

I'm in a similar boat here and think I might be a bit demisexual, but I'm not sure. Sometimes if I have a crush on someone I think I might like to have sex with that person, and certain aspects of the intimacy are arousing, but when I really think about the details of sex, it ranges from making me a little uncomfortable, to doing nothing for me at all. 

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Seeking Answers

Hi, guys. I just started wondering about this yesterday. I would say please forgive my ignorance, but you guys seem like an amazingly accepting group. So, I'm not sure that's necessary.

A little about me. I'm an ISTJ personality type. A nerd. Socially awkward. 

Overall, I think sex and people's pursuit of it is stupid. Other than making more humans, I don't see much point in it. (And is that even really necessary?) I think it's really over-hyped by society. And I don't like the pressure and social obligation to have it.

In my eyes the more sexual a relationship is, the less romantic it is and vice versa.

It's almost like sex for the sake of emotional connection is a turn-off for me. And don't even get me started on how I feel about the term "intimacy" being used to mean sex or vice versa. It strikes me as a sign of ignorance.

In short, I find sex about as romantic as I find Al Bundy. That is, really not at all.

However, and this is what confuses me. I do get sexually aroused. But it seems to be either when someone I love wants to cuddle and doesn't mention sex. On the flip side, I tend to get aroused at the thought of meaningless sex (e.g. fantasies about strangers, fantasies about spontaneously having sex with an acquaintance/friend with whom I have no romantic feelings, etc.) (In reality, I'm married and have only slept with one person in my entire life.)

I know no one can tell me what I am. But can someone help me figure out what asexuality is in relation to what I've described? Is there anyone else out there like me? Or are there any terms I could research or use to understand myself better?

P.S. I am happily married. Just trying to figure out the pain in the neck that is sexuality or lack thereof.

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vonmilla

Hey all! 

So my discovery of my sexuality started a few years ago and I settled pretty quickly on knowing that I was 1. bi/pansexual and 2. demisexual. I always felt happy with that and didn't feel the need to find any other labels. Most of my relationships have been long distance up until this point. We would meet in various places at an event (I travel a lot) and then go home and decide to stay together longer term. I'm currently in my first non-long distance relationship and it's coming to my attention that on top of being demisexual, there is something else there. Every few months I will go through phases of feeling sex-neutral and have no desire to have sex with my partner of one year. We are extremely close and when I'm not in those phases, we have an active sex life I feel extremely happy and fulfilled by. Upon noticing this, I realized I've gone through phases like this my whole life, where for a few weeks/months I would have no desire to masturbate, watch porn, or be with anyone sexually in any capacity whatsoever. Within these phases with my partner, I'm still extremely romantically attracted to her and feel fulfilled by that but she is definitely more sex-oriented than me during these  periods so it's feeling a little discouraging. 

 

Is there a term for this? Do any of you experience this too? 

Thank you! :)

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, vonmilla! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

20 hours ago, vonmilla said:

Is there a term for this?

"Fluid sexuality"? Or fluctuations in your libido?

Do these phases of disinterest coincide with high stress levels, for example from work? That's something I experience.

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MadeIndescribable

Just found this site thanks to a friend posting about asexuality awareness week, and the way she described gray/demi made me think they could possibly relate to me too. Having read through a few posts, I'd say I can definitely relate to:

 

On 22/10/2017 at 4:55 PM, I Am Mel said:

I do very occasionally fantasise about engaging in a sexual act but when it come to reality I just don't think I could unless I was maybe in the correct mood to do so.

I do get the arousal/desire/libido side of things (still trying to figure out definitions etc), but my fantasies are generally about the being with someone and sharing an intimate connection with them.

After being single for 4 years, a while ago I also had a friend with benefits but didn't go all the way as I didn't feel close enough to them, and although I did enjoy what we did, would definitely say it wasn't the same without the emotional part I'd had compared to my previous sexual experience which was in a romantic relationship.

Although I guess that's more of a comment than a question, it's definitely something I'm hoping to figure out more about in the future.

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roland.o
18 minutes ago, MadeIndescribable said:

Just found this site thanks to a friend posting about asexuality awareness week

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, MadeIndescribable! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

I'll hope you find the answers you seek. Good luck, and enjoy your time here!

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MadeIndescribable
40 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, MadeIndescribable! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

I'll hope you find the answers you seek. Good luck, and enjoy your time here!

Thanks, have to admit just knowing this kind of place and there are similar people out there has already been a help. :D

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anlin
On 2017-10-22 at 5:55 PM, I Am Mel said:

There is also the thing that as much as I find people sexually attractive I wouldn't/can't fantasise/think of doing anything sexual with them. I do very occasionally fantasise about engaging in a sexual act but when it come to reality I just don't think I could unless I was maybe in the correct mood to do so.

 

 

Hello,

I recognize myself here. I can think that people look very good and find them attractive but I don't want to do anything with them either. Fantasies occur for me very rarely but sometimes I dream that I engage in sexual activities, but it is often rather blurred. I feel really confused about the attraction - why do I feel it if I don't want to act on it? I just can't ever imagine doing anything sexual ever! I never tried and don't want to. I have kissed and cuddled but didn' like it.

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LostRabbit

[TMI]

 

*please note that I am a minor, but do not remind me of that

* I am fully aware that I'm young and things will change when I'm older but

* I have an identity crisis and I feel the need to have labels in an attempt to understand myself

*I also identify as a cis bi-romantic female, if someone requires context

 

 

I've been pondering about this for a while now;; I've always been curious on sexual acts - watched porn on several occasions, touched myself more times than I'm proud to admit, indulge in fanfiction that includes sexual scenes, and definitely told my share of sexual jokes. I've also had a couple of dreams revolving around sex, but woke up feeling uncomfortable and sort of repulsed- albeit, there were certain circumstances for a few of them that made it disturbing. as well as that, after indulging myself in masturbation-of-sorts, I would feel extremely uncomfortable and uneasy?

 

While I also find people attractive and feel a desire to impress/hang out/possibly date them, I don't particularly fancy the idea in partaking sexual acts?  I also don't really like private parts. while I occasionally draw the male genitalia, I dislike them greatly in real life. by private parts, I refer to both male and female ones: breasts, vaginas, and penises. I'll admit that I've found myself staring at naked breasts in photos or my girlfriend, but I generally feel unnerved by the idea of them? I guess?

 

I'm not really sure what to think of everything and i'd be grateful if someone could guide me through this;;

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, LostRabbit! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

 

11 hours ago, LostRabbit said:

I don't particularly fancy the idea in partaking sexual acts?

Then don't. Does it sound too simple? But I really think that's a very important point. Don't force yourself to do something you're not interested in. If you meet someone and start to get curious, alright, give it a try. But if it's just a general feeling that you might be missing out on something, or that you're gonna like it if you tried it because everyone says so, then don't. Because you're not gonna like it if you're not in the mood.

 

Maybe graysexual is a fitting label for you, until you're more certain about whether or in which circumstances you might feel sexual attraction. It combines nicely with the romantic orientation that you already figured out :-)

 

One thing to keep in mind is that watching porn or looking at photos gives you only a visual stimulation, plus some audio with the former. But being in the presence of someone, in an embrace, or even without touching altogether, is something different altogether. There can be things that you like to look at, but that make you very uncomfortable in real life, close-up, in the presence of another person. And there may be some persons out there whose presence and closeness could make you feel different about things you don't like to look at. But don't try it with someone who doesn't make you feel good about what's happening.

 

All the best to you! :cake:

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Deus Ex Infinity

I know that it's quite random but I was actually wondering  if gray-A and ace could work out for a serious roamntic relationship in the long term?

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Puck
1 hour ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

I know that it's quite random but I was actually wondering  if gray-A and ace could work out for a serious roamntic relationship in the long term?

It would mean that both would have to be very open about their needs. If the asexual never wants to have sex and the gray-a is ok with never having sex, then they would work out fine. If the gray-a needs sex once a month and the ace is fine with doing that, then it works. If the gray-a needs sex once a month and both parties agree that the best solution is for the gray-a to go out and find other sexual partners, then it would work.

 

What would be best is for the partners to sit down and just talk about what they both want from the relationship. It's really not about the orientations, it's about the two individuals. Some aces and some gray-as would never work out; some would work out perfectly. It's more about if the two can meet the needs of each other.

 

Hope that helps :)

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Deus Ex Infinity
26 minutes ago, Puck said:

It would mean that both would have to be very open about their needs. If the asexual never wants to have sex and the gray-a is ok with never having sex, then they would work out fine. If the gray-a needs sex once a month and the ace is fine with doing that, then it works. If the gray-a needs sex once a month and both parties agree that the best solution is for the gray-a to go out and find other sexual partners, then it would work.

 

What would be best is for the partners to sit down and just talk about what they both want from the relationship. It's really not about the orientations, it's about the two individuals. Some aces and some gray-as would never work out; some would work out perfectly. It's more about if the two can meet the needs of each other.

 

Hope that helps :)

Yes, thank you very much :D

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WaterLover

Hello everyone!

 

I'm pretty nervous to ask this, but I'm wondering if I may be gray-asexual and gray-aromantic? I don't have anyone in real life I can ask for their thoughts.

 

I'm in my early 20's, and I've been an intersectional feminist for years, so I'm pretty well versed on the theory. I especially don't want to be a bad ally and ignore my own privilege.

 

I've been sure for a while that I'm a cisgender heteromantic heterosexual woman with a strong aesthetic attraction to femininity, strong demi-pan-sensual attraction (if I'm close to someone I get strong urges to be very physically affectionate with them, but I hate touching strangers), and deep love for queerplatonic friendships. But recently I've been listening more to my (small) circle of friends and questioning the attraction part, because I've only been attracted to a handful of guys in my life.

 

I've had attraction to strangers and celebrities, so I know I'm not demi, but the amount is still so few. My friends seem to mention their attraction to others frequently – 'don't you think he's cute?' 'he's so sexy!' And I just... don't seem to notice? I'm much more interested in people's aesthetic choices/looks.

 

At the same time, though, I've always been incredibly romantic and have never had any personal issues with our dominant culture from that view? I also think I have a higher libido, because I masturbate frequently (and that is definitely heterosexual).

 

But on the other hand I'm a virgin because I'm not interested in sex without a romantic relationship, and my relationships with the few guys I've been attracted to haven't gone anywhere. When I was in high school I thought it was because I've never been popular and always had different interests from my peers. And I've always thought I would really like a romantic and sexual relationship! I still do.

 

But it's been several years since high school and I haven't been attracted to a single guy in... five years? Six? And I've met a lot more of them now than I did back then, thanks to work and getting dragged to social events.

 

Anyway, I would love some feedback, because it just doesn't seem right to me to potentially claim a label when I don't have any of the drawbacks. And thank you for tolerating my ramble!

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Baam

Slapping a label on yourself isn't a trophy so that you can say 'hey look i have all these things that are bad and harder about my life'. If the label helps to describe you, use it. If it just causes you to have to explain yourself further don't. It doesn't matter about any 'privilege' you may or may not have. It's not about being a good or bad ally. The only thing that matters is whether or not it's a useful word for you to use to help describe yourself (particularly to others imo). 

 

If you need more than 2 or 3 'buts' when saying 'I'm grey-sexual', then you're probably not grey-sexual. The same with grey-romantic. It really is up to you, if it doesn't seem right then don't. But nothing you've said suggests to me that you're not 'allowed' to claim it. : P Anyone is allowed to.

 

Oh and welcome, by the way.

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🎄Ryan🎄
12 hours ago, WaterLover said:

Hello everyone!

 

I'm pretty nervous to ask this, but I'm wondering if I may be gray-asexual and gray-aromantic? I don't have anyone in real life I can ask for their thoughts.

 

I'm in my early 20's, and I've been an intersectional feminist for years, so I'm pretty well versed on the theory. I especially don't want to be a bad ally and ignore my own privilege.

 

I've been sure for a while that I'm a cisgender heteromantic heterosexual woman with a strong aesthetic attraction to femininity, strong demi-pan-sensual attraction (if I'm close to someone I get strong urges to be very physically affectionate with them, but I hate touching strangers), and deep love for queerplatonic friendships. But recently I've been listening more to my (small) circle of friends and questioning the attraction part, because I've only been attracted to a handful of guys in my life.

 

I've had attraction to strangers and celebrities, so I know I'm not demi, but the amount is still so few. My friends seem to mention their attraction to others frequently – 'don't you think he's cute?' 'he's so sexy!' And I just... don't seem to notice? I'm much more interested in people's aesthetic choices/looks.

 

At the same time, though, I've always been incredibly romantic and have never had any personal issues with our dominant culture from that view? I also think I have a higher libido, because I masturbate frequently (and that is definitely heterosexual).

 

But on the other hand I'm a virgin because I'm not interested in sex without a romantic relationship, and my relationships with the few guys I've been attracted to haven't gone anywhere. When I was in high school I thought it was because I've never been popular and always had different interests from my peers. And I've always thought I would really like a romantic and sexual relationship! I still do.

 

But it's been several years since high school and I haven't been attracted to a single guy in... five years? Six? And I've met a lot more of them now than I did back then, thanks to work and getting dragged to social events.

 

Anyway, I would love some feedback, because it just doesn't seem right to me to potentially claim a label when I don't have any of the drawbacks. And thank you for tolerating my ramble!

Welcome to AVEN :cake: 

 

I'd recommend exploring the forum to see if any other people's experience might seem similar to you, I know some sexual people go through dry spells of just not being interested in anyone due to life being busy or just not meeting the "right people". I am not sure if grey asexual or just sexual is the best fit of label for you, I think you are the best judge of that personally. I can tell you asexuals and grey asexuals do masturbate as the libido isn't connected to sexual attraction. Also some sexual people might not be attracted to many people, it does happen. If you choose to uses a label just remember it isn't permanent, so say you decide to identify as grey A, but two years from now your life experiences makes you realize that isn't the best label, then it's fine to change it. I personally identified with the asexual label years ago, but have changed it because I feel a grey/Demi fits me much better these days.  If you want to just hold off on the label and not label yourself for a period to let yourself discover more about yourself that is cool too, you are still welcome here. 

 

If you have any questions or need any help feel free to PM antime

 

-Ryan

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Spiderman

Hi, I'm kinda new, and I think I fit under the demisexual label (and I am heteroromantic). I have maybe seen a dozen guys in my entire life who automatically struck me as attractive - other times it's a thing I have to actively think about and consider to determine. Is that normal? Do other ace people not feel attracted to that many people? Or am I just really picky?

~MAB:)

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roland.o

Hello Spiderman, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :cake:

 

On 12/9/2017 at 5:10 AM, Spiderman said:

I have maybe seen a dozen guys in my entire life who automatically struck me as attractive

Maybe you're just not looking at people to judge their attractiveness, be it aesthetic, sexual, or otherwise...

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

I'm not a judge of what's normal. Though if that is the only symptom that makes you feel different, I wouldn't worry too much.

But I suppose there's more to your story, isn't there?

 

All the best to you! :cake:

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