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"I used to think I was asexual" - what's your story?


Arctangent

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I've noticed lately that there's been some interest in learning more about people who used to identify as asexual, but no longer do. I know that there are several of us on the boards who fall into that category, so I thought it would be neat for us to have a thread to discuss our experiences and perhaps answer questions people have for us. :)

 

Here are some questions to get people started:

  • How long did you identify as asexual?
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?
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I'm not asexual, but I mislabeled myself because I've never been interested in sex until recently (it's a weird obsession on my mind now and I hate it) and always hated my private parts, so I thought I was asexual because of those things, even though I'm not. Funny enough when I was 10, I told my parents I thought I was bisexual (i didn't know aseual was a word at the time) because I wasn't interested in dating at that time. Because that makes sense. "I'm not interested in dating, so I must be bisexual (sarcastic)" lol.

 

  • How long did you identify as asexual?: Half a year, I think? (2016)
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?: Questioning if I'm transgender and realizing I hate my lower parts.
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?: I'm definitely not asexual, but I could relate to it easily and didn't know why I felt the way I did.
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?: I just call myself hetero now.
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?: That's kind of hard for me to say, really.
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I'm not really sure what I am at this point, whether asexual, sexual, or grey-ace... But I definitely feel like I can't just call myself asexual like I used to, yet at the same time I can't quite see myself as sexual either. 

 

35 minutes ago, Law of Circles said:
  • How long did you identify as asexual?
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?
  • Probably about three years? Maybe more or less, it was a gradual thing to start identifying as asexual and also a gradual thing to stop completely identifying as that.

 

  • I started having a sexual relationship with my best friend and realized that I could enjoy sex if I was thinking about it/having it as a guy instead of the alternative. The main reasons I thought I was asexual to begin with were that I didn't want to have sex and I couldn't imagine having sex with anyone at all. Just trying to think about it would be very disturbing. But after having some phone sex with my friend I realized that that wasn't the case at all when I was doing things as a guy. And suddenly if I just imagined things from that perspective the idea of sex was not only no longer repulsive but could actually be enjoyable. I still never want to have full-on, naked, touchy, real life sex though, but now I know that has to do with dysphoria over my body but not because of the sex itself. On the other hand...

 

  • Ever since I knew what sex was I've always felt like it wasn't for me, like I would never want to do it and I would never feel like I was missing out. And even after realizing my sex repulsion was based on gender dysphoria, I still feel like for the most part I don't really want, need, or miss sex. I've still never had full on irl sex, and I don't want to, and when I ask myself if I would want to if I could (if I could magically have a normal anatomically male body) the answer is something like "well, it might be fun sometimes, but I still don't think I would need it or miss it". So that makes me feel like even if part or most of my perceived asexuality was due to dysphoria, some part of it was/is probably real because I just don't feel like an average sexual person. I don't feel like calling myself "celibate for dysphoria reasons" is any more accurate than calling myself asexual or gray-ace, because celibate would imply that I feel the desire, but I don't really think I do, at least not to the degree sexual people seem to. 

 

  • Now I don't really offically use any particular label for my sexuality because usually it feels to complicated to explain in one word. I guess the most accurate thing would be to just say I'm queer because that can mean anything, but precisely because it can mean anything I kind of feel like using that would be the same as just not using anything at all. If someone asked I guess I'd say I'm bi, if I wanted to be more specific I'd probably say I'm a not very sexual kind of bi person. And if I wanted to be more specific than that I'd just described things without using labels. Overall, I personally don't really have a word that I use for myself. 

 

  • I think I already answered this a little but I can't quite relate to either, though I guess I relate more to asexuals at the end of the day. I might enjoy certain sexual activities and technically be able to find people sexually attractive, but for the most part I don't care that much for partnered sex, I don't need it or crave it, I don't really need it in a relationship, I don't really miss it when I haven't had it for a long time, and I wouldn't terribly miss it if I could never do it again. Maybe I would a little, but I don't think my reaction would be closer to a sexual person's than an asexual one's at all. So yeah, I relate more to asexuality and asexual people.
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4 hours ago, Law of Circles said:

 

Here are some questions to get people started:

  • How long did you identify as asexual?
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?
  • From 2013-ish until August 2016
  • I found the right person :P
  • I hadn't been in the position to actively know what my sexuality was outside of my head and settled into a comfortable state of non-sex and non-romance, to me, wasn't devastating or urgent to get out of.
  • Label community is childish and bore. I have a boyfriend that i fuck when I feel like it and don't when I'm not feeling it. my label is, "ask me what I think and I'll tell you"
  • Both are equally annoying. 
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How long did you identify as asexual?

From ages 19-23 so 4 years.


What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?

I entered a serious relationship. I have only ever had crushes on 4 people and the guys I had dated prior to my current partner, I wasn't interested in. My first two crushes were before high school and my second two were in adulthood and one of them I didn't know very well. The fourth was my current partner. It wasn't until him that I ever experienced sexual attraction or had any hint of a libido. The abstract idea of sex is pretty weird until it's with someone you actually care for.


Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?

I'm not sure. I think for me, it was the latter. I think I just didn't have an opportunity to experience sexual attraction and had no libido so of course I thought I was asexual. But when the right person came along, I realized I'm not. That's my theory about myself. My libido was probably nonexistent and still low due to severe depression and longterm use of antidepressants.


How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?

"Sexual." I try to avoid labels. I would fit the definitions of heterosexual or demisexual if needed. I feel like in the past, I clung to labels and used them as a shield and badge. They felt very permanent and rigid. I'm not a label happy person. I prefer to just be myself and let that speak for me. No one in the real world gives a shit about my sex life. If they ask my orientation, they're probably just wondering about my romantic orientation without even knowing there's a difference. I am a woman who is attracted to men. I am sexually active. That's really all there is to it. I don't need a singular word to describe my exact preferences.


Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?

That's difficult to answer because they're such blanket terms. Many people I would think are sexual identify as asexual and vice versa. The majority of the world is sexual so most of my asexual interaction is on AVEN. AVEN's demographics doesn't represent all asexuals. I also think most people who are asexual don't know asexuality is a thing and would tell you they're __[hetero/homo/bi/pan/etc.]__sexual but not interested in or don't enjoy sex. I think I have the advantage of seeing both sides at some point in life but sex is never talked about in my life outside of AVEN and I don't really relate to many on here, sexual or asexual.

I relate to people individually, not as a group.

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NoLongerActive1234
  • How long did you identify as asexual?
    - 4ish years?  It is hard to say when I fully understood that I wasn't asexual.
     
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?
    - It happened as a process when falling in love with my boyfriend and getting into a serious relationship. Before that I had had a few crushes but never experienced sexual attraction and had a non existing libido or it was there but not making itself known. Now I do have a libido, even if not a huge one.
     
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?
    - I'm not sure, I'm thinking I probably was demisexual all along but there was no one there to spark the sexual attraction, desire and libido (because the conditions for it to spark were not present).
     
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?
    -I now go by demisexual because I feel like that reflects most how it is for me. My sexuality is not the most defining thing about me so I don't think it is that important but I will use labels if I feel like it benefits me. 
     
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?
    -I identify with both groups in some ways when I read of people's experiences, I'm pretty grateful for that. 
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...then I took an arrow in the knee.

 

In all honesty though, I'm curious as to what the take here would be of someone who normally would not be experiencing anything sexual, whether innately or toward their partner whatsoever... but specifically because said partner is libidoist ace and they're comfy with each other, they've been able to share that experience together, finding it enjoyable, and pursuing it together on occasion, but still otherwise no remote interest or inclination toward anyone else.  (If the partner happened to not experience libido or display any sort of outward sexuality, this person would also never feel inclined to connect with their partner in any sexual way; it would likely pan out as a completely nonsexual relationship.)

 

The description might sound a lot like demisexual, and if that's the impression most get, I wouldn't say they are necessarily wrong.  It doesn't feel like it totally hits the mark to me, though, at least not on its own... mainly because of the parenthesis'd bit,  Maybe it's a form of demisexuality combined with responsive desire (meaning it requires some sort of "trigger" on the partner's end, namely experiencing some sort of sexual reaction/response themselves, before anything really happens)?  I don't quite know.  I'm interested to see what people think though; I figure this would be a decent enough thread to get opinions.

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How long did you identify as asexual?

About five years.

 

What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?

I decided to experiment sexually with a close friend of mine. I was curious to see how it felt, and he seemed like a safe person to try with. He knew that I identified as asexual and was understanding. At first, I still felt like an asexual having sex to please a partner. It was interesting, but it felt like work. Eventually, though, I started to warm up to it, and at some point I realized that my experiences weren't consistent with asexuality anymore. Sure, I was still repulsed and conflicted about certain things, and I still had a lot of hangups about sex, but I couldn't deny that I was desiring and enjoying sex in a way that hadn't seemed possible before. It didn't feel right for me to call myself asexual anymore after that.

 

Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?

I have gone back and forth on this and never really settled on an answer. Did I actually change, or did I merely discover my true sexuality? Practically speaking, it doesn't make a difference either way - the end result is the same. In any case, I don't think it was wrong for me to identify as asexual before - based on what I knew at the time, it was accurate. I couldn't have predicted that things would end up this way.

 

How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?

Lately, I've been leaning more towards just giving up labeling my sexual orientation entirely. I used to place more importance on having labels to describe my experiences, but now I don't feel it matters as much. None of the common terms seems to fit me quite right, and I don't feel that coining ever more complicated terms will help me or anyone else get closer to understanding the way I feel. If anything, it will probably cause additional confusion. If it's relevant to my relationship with someone, I can explain it to them in simple prose.

 

Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?

Generally speaking, I relate more to sexuals on some points and more to asexuals on others. Of course, neither group is homogeneous, so there is variation in how much I relate to individuals in both groups. On AVEN, I do feel qualified to respond to threads addressed towards sexuals, even if I don't explicitly identify as such.

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22 hours ago, Law of Circles said:

 

  • How long did you identify as asexual?

Almost five years. 

 

22 hours ago, Law of Circles said:
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?

I got with someone I am compatible with and find physically attractive - which the latter alone is extremely rare for me (has happened... 3? times in my life). After a time together, I started to develop something more sexual feeling towards them.

 

22 hours ago, Law of Circles said:
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?

I think I always had the potential, but hadn't had it realized yet for various reasons. I cared for my other partners, but there was never the comfort and ease and ... acceptance? that is with my current relationship. I can do stupid stuff and it's OK. They can do stupid stuff and it's OK. I can be sexual or non-sexual and it's OK. They can be whichever and it's OK. No expectations, no obligations. 

 

22 hours ago, Law of Circles said:
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?

I avoid labels. I'm not "sexual" enough to be with a "normal sexual", but I'm not asexual either. And I don't really like the grey label for myself, honestly. 

 

22 hours ago, Law of Circles said:
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?

Neither, both. It is complicated. I don't get the overpowering need for sex some people have, at all. If my partner was like "OK NOTHING SEXUAL EVER AGAIN" I'd be like "OK, we can still cuddle, right?". But, I also can't relate to not wanting it at all ever anymore. 

 

9 hours ago, Philip027 said:

...then I took an arrow in the knee.

 

In all honesty though, I'm curious as to what the take here would be of someone who normally would not be experiencing anything sexual, whether innately or toward their partner whatsoever... but specifically because said partner is libidoist ace and they're comfy with each other, they've been able to share that experience together, finding it enjoyable, and pursuing it together on occasion, but still otherwise no remote interest or inclination toward anyone else.  (If the partner happened to not experience libido or display any sort of outward sexuality, this person would also never feel inclined to connect with their partner in any sexual way; it would likely pan out as a completely nonsexual relationship.)

Depends. If my partner wanted a non-sexual relationship, then we'd have one. However, I actively want things, not just the normal "fine, it makes you happy, so lets do it" feeling that came with other people. Before, I always just went with things cause they wanted, but I never felt that interest myself, now I do. So, I can't say I'm just doing it for them. I'm doing it for me too. Which is why I don't feel I can ID as ace anymore. I actually want and enjoy and feel natural with it... even though I'm 100% fine if it becomes completely non-sexual too and wouldn't feel dissatisfied if that happened. 

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Depends. If my partner wanted a non-sexual relationship, then we'd have one. However, I actively want things, not just the normal "fine, it makes you happy, so lets do it" feeling that came with other people. Before, I always just went with things cause they wanted, but I never felt that interest myself, now I do. So, I can't say I'm just doing it for them. I'm doing it for me too. Which is why I don't feel I can ID as ace anymore. I actually want and enjoy and feel natural with it... even though I'm 100% fine if it becomes completely non-sexual too and wouldn't feel dissatisfied if that happened. 

How do you think you'd have responded instead if your partner just did not express anything sexual at all (whether due to nonlib, or whatever)?  Do you think they still would have evoked any sexual response out of you?

 

I guess I'm more or less in the same boat as you, but with less emphasis on the want.  Nothing that I "want" is really for my sake at all, and like you if my partner did not experience or did not want to share anything sexual, it wouldn't be any issue whatsoever and whatever it is I may have "wanted" to do with them that was more on the sexual side would just disappear.  I guess you're not totally sure either where that leaves you XD

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On 9/1/2017 at 10:01 PM, Law of Circles said:

 

Here are some questions to get people started:

  • How long did you identify as asexual?
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?

 

-Probably about a year. 

-For years I had dated only allo men with high sex drives, and the constant pressure and nervousness is what I now hypothesize was the factor that killed my libido. I actively disliked sexual activity of any kind and the thought of it made me nervous, and I was always worried they would realize I was just faking desire or think I wasn't good enough. Then, by some miracle in college I met my current asexual boyfriend who is very very sweet but also very repulsed. He's touch repulsed as well to some degree, and only really hugs and kisses for my sake. However, now that I'm with this person who has no interest in sex at all, all of a sudden I'm starting to have sexual fantasies. I realized that of given the chance, I would like to have sex with him. 

 

-very very hard to say, but I'm thinking I was non-ace all along and just too scared of disappointing my very sexual boyfriends to enjoy it at all. Also I still have a low sex drive, so when it was occuring constantly I was rather turned off by it. 

 

- I call myself a graysexual, I like the label and it fits me well. I can't call myself and ace because I apparently do have sexual desire, but I can't call myself sexual because I don't believe my level of desire and attraction is anywhere near the typical sexual. I still experience attraction weakly and rarely, and so the gray label is the one I chose and am comfortable with. 

 

-i definitely feel more comfortable with the asexual community, as well as the demisexual community. Sexual people seem to be on a different planet from me sometimes. 

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On 02/09/2017 at 3:01 AM, Law of Circles said:
  1. How long did you identify as asexual?
  2. What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?
  3. Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?
  4. How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?
  5. Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?

 

1. I'm not sure I ever used the label, but I was certainly "meh" about sex for most of my teens and the majority of my 20s (I'm now 31).

 

2. My complex relationship with my body. I didn't feel right in my own skin, so it's no wonder I didn't want to share it with anyone else. Being with people that I trusted and cared for, and realising that they wanted to be with me for me, and that it had very little to do with what I looked like naked.

 

3. Not fluid, no. I don't think I was ever asexual in the first place. (I don't think sexual fluidity exists really. At least not in the way people claim it does. It's just that we as humans feel the need to label things and when it no longer fits, we assume we've changed and therefore need a new label. It's the word that's the issue. People are variable, day to day, because of what's going on for them, environment or what have you.)

 

4. Heterosexual, but I very rarely have to use the word because I look like your regular, run-of-the-mill straight guy.

 

5. I rarely relate to anyone in regards to sexuality. I don't understand sex repulsion, but I do understand indifference. Other straight guys are generally hypersexual (or at least present themselves in that way) and asexuals often have this detachment from sex that I also can't relate to.

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22 hours ago, Philip027 said:

How do you think you'd have responded instead if your partner just did not express anything sexual at all (whether due to nonlib, or whatever)?  Do you think they still would have evoked any sexual response out of you?

 

I guess I'm more or less in the same boat as you, but with less emphasis on the want.  Nothing that I "want" is really for my sake at all, and like you if my partner did not experience or did not want to share anything sexual, it wouldn't be any issue whatsoever and whatever it is I may have "wanted" to do with them that was more on the sexual side would just disappear.  I guess you're not totally sure either where that leaves you XD

 

Hmm. I think it might have still come in a weak form. But, probably wouldn't have been that noticeable. 

 

If you don't want the things you do and just do it for your partner, then if it were me I'd say ace. If you want it for your own pleasure as well as your partners, if it was me, I'd say not ace. That's my line, anyway. 

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On 01/09/2017 at 11:01 PM, Law of Circles said:
  • How long did you identify as asexual?

I think I was 15 or 16 when I first heard about asexuality, and I thought I was ace or demi until I was 24 or 25.

 

On 01/09/2017 at 11:01 PM, Law of Circles said:
  • What made you realize that you weren't as asexual as you thought?

I'm still not 100% sure I'm sexual, but I've come to a point where I'd feel dishonest if I called myself asexual. I don't know what changed (or why), but last year I started to notice that I was feeling sexual desire with a guy (tmi: the idea of penetration became quite... interesting, to say the least), even though realistically speaking, I probably won't have the opportunity to "test" if I actually desire it or if I just like the idea of having sex. I'm inclined to think that I am sexual, though (or demi, but more on the sexual side of demisexuality, if that makes any sense). In my case, it happened spontaneously, which was weird because most people who went from ace to sexual changed after meeting someone special, but that wasn't my case.

 

On 01/09/2017 at 11:01 PM, Law of Circles said:
  • Do you think you experienced sexual fluidity (i.e. you were actually asexual for a time, but later became non-asexual) or do you believe you were really not asexual all along (and just didn't realize it before)?

I think I was never asexual. Maybe I'm a very late bloomer. :P

 

On 01/09/2017 at 11:01 PM, Law of Circles said:
  • How do you describe yourself now? Do you affiliate yourself with any particular sexual orientation, or do you prefer to avoid labels?

I don't like or care about most labels and I don't use them outside of this forum. I usually call myself sexual (and sometimes demi), despite not being 100% comfortable with that label.

 

On 01/09/2017 at 11:01 PM, Law of Circles said:
  • Do you feel like you relate more to sexuals or asexuals?

In most aspects, I can relate to aces. For instance, I still have a hard time finding a partner because I probably wouldn't feel comfortable being with someone who expects sex and guys tend to make a move really fast. I need to be friends with someone first in order to feel attracted to them, which means that I completely inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex. Even though it may sound paradoxical and weird, I'd probably be more comfortable exploring my sexuality with someone who's ace, grey-a or demi than with a "normal" sexual guy. Besides, Aven is the only place where I can be myself. I don't get prude-shamed (is that a word?), and I can talk about sexuality in a "grown up" way. The sexuals I know irl seem too "traditional" and therefore have trouble understanding where I come from. I still disagree with a lot of things that people say on Aven, but I still feel more accepted as a sexual person here, than I do anywhere else. :)

 

PS.: I'm sorry if this sounds confusing. I'm too tired to be more eloquent and coherent, and I can barely English right now. xD

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