Relationship questions about wet dreams, sexual disappointment, and common decency

[Yona]

Hey y'all...

 

I'm definitely on the ace spectrum. I started dating an old college friend (who is definitely not ace) just a few months ago, but recently he has exhibited a few behaviors that I am concerned or confused about. The third one is a question for anyone, not just sexual folks.

 

1. He tells me every time he has a wet dream about me. I find it cute that he would dream about me (means I'm always on his mind, and that's sweet), but I'm really put off by him telling me about how much of a mess he made. We haven't had sex, but we have fooled around (I might be ace, but I do enjoy the physical feeling), so I definitely know first hand what he's talking about, but I don't know... I feel like it's TMI and inappropriate to go into those details outside of "romantic, sexy time". I told him that if he dreamed about me, I just wanted to hear that, and not all the physical details of how he got it everywhere and had to clean up. It seemed to really upset him (he felt really embarrassed), and we ended our skype call pretty soon after................. Am I being a prude? Immature? A hypocrite? Do "sexual" men normally tell their partners stuff like that??? How would you react if your boyfriend told you similar things??

 

2. This is a long distance relationship, so we only see each other in person a few days every month. We have fooled around over skype once. In a later call, I showed him my kitten being adorable, and he jokingly asked if he could see a different "pussy" instead. I said no, and although he didn't say anything, it was like the happiness was zapped out of the call and things just got awkward and quiet. The next day, he was STILL upset that I had said no. I've already been in a relationship where I was guilt tripped into doing things I didn't want to do--I will NEVER go that route again. I told him that I understood if he was upset at the moment I said no (because really, who LIKES getting told no?), but for him to be upset for TWO DAYS was not ok. He said he's just the kind of person that gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants. What are y'all's thoughts on this?

 

3. He doesn't like to admit he's wrong or to lose an argument. Even if we're having a lighthearted conversation, he will make his argument more and more silly and outrageous just to avoid the phrase "you're right". I can deal with that when it's a fun, meaningless conversation and just laugh it off. But when it comes to more serious things, I do have a problem with it. As an example, we were talking on the phone while he was driving--he was stuck in traffic and needed to use the restroom really bad. When he was finally able to get to a gas station, this guy didn't have the decency to take 5 seconds to either put himself on mute or tell me he'd call me back in a minute. He went into the public restroom and peed while the phone was in his pocket. I was still under the impression he was still in the car, so suddenly hearing him pee was nasty and unexpected. I told him not to do it again, and he replied, "What do you want me to do? I really had to go, and the phone was in my pocket, so I didn't have time to hang up." That's ridiculous. First of all, he can do those actions while walking from the car to the bathroom. Second of all, from the moment he spotted the gas station to when he got to the bathroom, he had plenty of time to say, "hey, hang up for me, I found the bathroom, call you back soon." It turned into a weird argument, and I said, "ok, just say, 'sorry I'll try not to do it again'". He got upset--I could tell because it got awkwardly quiet. Reception was bad, so I asked if he was still there, and he said, "Yeah. I just have nothing to say."
 

 

I don't think at all that our relationship is purely sexual. Because we've been friends for a few years, we get along really well--I could talk to him for hours and not get bored or tired. He has otherwise respected my boundaries, is more emotionally open to me than to anyone else, and he makes an effort to pay attention to me and care for me even though we're far apart. But, since I'm someone that seems to get hit on by (a fairly concerning amount of) perverts, I'm scared that these behaviors are just a glimpse into a much bigger problem (immaturity, mainly).

 

Am I overthinking it? I know nobody is perfect, but is this really appropriate behavior for a 25 year old man? Am I the one with the problem? I just feel really sad and confused.

 

-Yona

[scarlett45]

Hi- first off there's nothing wrong with being who you are, if someone doesn't respect that they are not right for you. 

 

Based on your descriptions 1 & 2 sound typical to me. He thinks he's turning you on (many women would be turned on and enjoy the cyber sex chat part), BUT if you don't like that or are not comfortable he needs to respect that. So the fact that he said those things doesn't give me bad vibes but the fact that he won't respect your boundaries does. 

 

3 kind of makes me laugh but I can see how it would be weird for you. I don't think he's a pervert- I think you guys have different ideas of what's a "boundary". 

[JDP]

He's letting his hormones do the talking. It isn't very flattering, is it.

 

I grew up thinking a young lady wants to be courted, wants to feel special, wants to be adored and made to feel she's worth lots of attention and affection.

 

This guy doesn't sound like that, to me.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, Yona said:

 

 

1. He tells me every time he has a wet dream about me. I find it cute that he would dream about me (means I'm always on his mind, and that's sweet), but I'm really put off by him telling me about how much of a mess he made. We haven't had sex, but we have fooled around (I might be ace, but I do enjoy the physical feeling), so I definitely know first hand what he's talking about, but I don't know... I feel like it's TMI and inappropriate to go into those details outside of "romantic, sexy time". I told him that if he dreamed about me, I just wanted to hear that, and not all the physical details of how he got it everywhere and had to clean up. It seemed to really upset him (he felt really embarrassed), and we ended our skype call pretty soon after................. Am I being a prude? Immature? A hypocrite? Do "sexual" men normally tell their partners stuff like that??? How would you react if your boyfriend told you similar things??

 

 

This one is about what you both want being different. To a lot of people, him being so turned on he made a huge mess would be a compliment. To you, it isn't. So he needs to respect that. 

 

16 minutes ago, Yona said:

 

 

2. This is a long distance relationship, so we only see each other in person a few days every month. We have fooled around over skype once. In a later call, I showed him my kitten being adorable, and he jokingly asked if he could see a different "pussy" instead. I said no, and although he didn't say anything, it was like the happiness was zapped out of the call and things just got awkward and quiet. The next day, he was STILL upset that I had said no. I've already been in a relationship where I was guilt tripped into doing things I didn't want to do--I will NEVER go that route again. I told him that I understood if he was upset at the moment I said no (because really, who LIKES getting told no?), but for him to be upset for TWO DAYS was not ok. He said he's just the kind of person that gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants. What are y'all's thoughts on this?

 

Rejection hurts and it's something a lot of sexuals take personally. But, again, he needs to respect a no. What exactly did he do when upset? Did he actively try to make it awkward? Did he pick fights? Or was he just obviously feeling rejected? He can't help how he feels, but he can help how he acts. 

 

18 minutes ago, Yona said:

 

 

3. He doesn't like to admit he's wrong or to lose an argument. Even if we're having a lighthearted conversation, he will make his argument more and more silly and outrageous just to avoid the phrase "you're right". I can deal with that when it's a fun, meaningless conversation and just laugh it off. But when it comes to more serious things, I do have a problem with it. As an example, we were talking on the phone while he was driving--he was stuck in traffic and needed to use the restroom really bad. When he was finally able to get to a gas station, this guy didn't have the decency to take 5 seconds to either put himself on mute or tell me he'd call me back in a minute. He went into the public restroom and peed while the phone was in his pocket. I was still under the impression he was still in the car, so suddenly hearing him pee was nasty and unexpected. I told him not to do it again, and he replied, "What do you want me to do? I really had to go, and the phone was in my pocket, so I didn't have time to hang up." That's ridiculous. First of all, he can do those actions while walking from the car to the bathroom. Second of all, from the moment he spotted the gas station to when he got to the bathroom, he had plenty of time to say, "hey, hang up for me, I found the bathroom, call you back soon." It turned into a weird argument, and I said, "ok, just say, 'sorry I'll try not to do it again'". He got upset--I could tell because it got awkwardly quiet. Reception was bad, so I asked if he was still there, and he said, "Yeah. I just have nothing to say."
 

 

 

This one is going to be an issue with communication. If he can't accept there is a problem and talk about it, rather than just argue, then you'll have trouble resolving any conflicts. On the other hand, you demanding he say sorry and to try to not do it again probably sparked a defensive reaction at the end. No one likes being ordered about by their partner (well, at least, those who haven't agreed to having a master). I would recommend sticking to how you feel about things and letting him decide if your feelings are important enough to alter his behavior or not. Then you can decide if that is something you can handle or not. Relationships are not about changing or controlling each other, it's about accepting and growing together ... and sometimes that means they do things we really don't like but we decide if that's OK or something that is a deal breaker (note: obviously exceptions are there, like physical boundaries being crossed, etc, that is always a firm "STOP" is not only OK but encouraged!)

 

As for the bathroom thing... well. A lot of people don't consider that a big deal. My grandmother takes her phone to the bathroom with her, so does my Aunt, etc. My mom will occasionally. They all know I don't want to hear it  but they don't think of it as anything. So, he probably didn't think of it as anything, either. Some people are not as bothered by sharing that activity as others. 

 

It sounds to me like a lot of the issue is different needs and a lack of understanding how to communicate with each other. These aren't impossible to get through. But, is it worth it to you to put the work in on trying? There is no guarantee for success. Sometimes people are just too different and that's OK. 

[Homer]

37 minutes ago, Yona said:

I'm definitely on the ace spectrum.

There is no ace spectrum. Either you're asexual (no sexual attraction/desire at all, ever) or you aren't.

 

 

(1) Personally I don't have any problem discussing these things in graphic details, but as @Serran pointed out, it's all a matter of boundaries and negotiation. If you feel like a certain situation isn't the right one to discuss TMI stuff, you should say so and it should be respected.

 

(2) Echoing Serran again. You can't help feelings. (I never got the appeal of sharing pictures of your privates or similar stuff anyway). Did you tell him why you were unhappy with his reaction? Does he know about your past experiences?

 

(3) looks like a major obstacle. Both of you need to figure out a way to have a civil discussion; one where the outcome isn't preset as "x is right". This would also require some margin for error. It's more difficult to predict the other person's reaction to something if you aren't really in touch frequently (not just talking, but also seeing how people react in certain situations). I don't have any experience regarding LDR (at least not romantic ones), but I find it important to know what to expect from someone in a certain situation. The more you actually interact in real life, the easier this is.

[MrDane]

 

@Yona! I know, that there are aspects of your relationship which you do tell about. Nobody can share the whole story. We all do the same. We share something we need to tell about.

here are the thoughts from the danish jury:

 

1. It probably turns him on to tell you, and perhaps he would like you to get turned on by all the messy details. If you dont like it, then say it again, and explain that it is almost a sexual violation. I dont tell that, since it will only stress my ace-wife and make her feel even more like she has to perform in a special way. 

 

2. Kitty/pussy-case? He could be grinding his teeth and pulling his hair for days. Not so much because of the rejection to send dirty pics, but because of the resistance to meet his sexual wish. Dont send/skype photos, if you are a bit uncomfortable with being viewed as a sexual being. (And you are an ace, right?) 

 

3. The toilet incident is just a guy pissing, but he forgot/never-minded that he was speaking to someone who migth not see this as a natural way of being open and sharing. It sounds like he does not respect your boundaries about privacy, intimacy, sexuality. Are you sure, that he does not think, that you are secretly sexually liking to have your boundaries overstepped? If he is a dumb-ass sexual like I were (today I am just a well-behaved, though frustrated sexual), then he is surely doing things to make you guys feel closer or edge his way into your sexuality.  I remember grapping my wife from behind and feeling her up, groping her breast to switch on the 'horny, by showing her my lust for her'! Wrong strategy with an asexual. This was more close to a rape for her, than it was a sign of my appreciation. Does he know your sexual stance? Probably best to tell him who you are and what he can expect and what you will not take! Show him, who you are and if he is not interested in knowing you, then why be with someone who is not interested in knowing you.

 

I know that this sound like tou have a lot to do, and basically he just needs to stop and grow up. Being with someone who is demanding a lot of you, that you are not comfortable with and who also oversteps your boundaries makes it hard to just be you. I valuate being me a lot and I want my wife to relax and just be her, when she is with me.  (My readers will know this isnt easy to put into a mixed relationship, but...?)

 

 

[Treesarepretty]

On 9/1/2017 at 3:57 PM, Yona said:

He said he's just the kind of person that gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants. What are y'all's thoughts on this?

Not getting what you want is called life. No one likes that part, but oh well.

 

Sorry, that jumped out at me. 

 

1. This IS gross. He could be under the impression that you want to hear about this so you know how attractive he thinks you are. I would wager that if you told him something similar about being so "wet" for him that you needed to change your sheets, he would be over the moon with pride. Also, being really horny can make people weird, sometimes. 

 

2. See my answer to #1. Replace the "wet" comment with asking to see his dick, and he totally would, with pride. 

 

3. I agree with Mr. Dane here. The toilet thing is fucking gross, and that is from someone else who is very sexual. As far as the arguments: not getting your way and losing arguments are part of life. He needs to learn that. 

 

How do you nornally react to him pushing your boundaries? If you giggle when you are nervous, he might interpret that to mean that you like your boundaries pushed. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 2.09.2017 at 1:50 AM, Homer said:

There is no ace spectrum. Either you're asexual (no sexual attraction/desire at all, ever) or you aren't.

There is. People deserve a right to self-identification.

[Homer]

Zero is not a spectrum.

 

This has got nothing to do with any right to self-identify as whatever they please.

[Guest]

Okay well I think the pissing thing is hot and always would have thought that regardless of whether it was back when I identified as ace or now that I know I'm sexual. Different strokes for different folks! He may just be someone who assumed you hearing him piss was a sign of intimacy and closeness between you... That's how I would take it if it was me  

 

Well, I think the wet dream thing is hot too... I love it when a guy I'm in love with makes a mess over me.. though I demand pictures >:3

 

And to be honest despite being sexual I probably wouldn't be keen on showing my parts on a Skype call because I'm very self-conscious. I'd happily turn the cam off and take a nice photo, as long as he took one for me as well, but I'm like SUPER normal on Skype call haha.. until I'm really drunk. Weird things happen with bottles when I'm really drunk on Skype apparently T_T

 

Does he know you're ace? I am in a hurry so may have missed you saying that if you did, but if you just SAY to him 'look dude, I'm asexual. I don't want to show you my c*nt over Skype and I don't want to hear about your disgusting wet dreams and I don't want to hear you piss" he will at least know how you feel. Maybe he wants to be in a relationship with someone more sexual and will end it, maybe he will respect what you say and cease his behaviour. Either way, communication over this is what you both need right now.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

There is. People deserve a right to self-identification.

I kind of look at it like homosexuality. You can't be sort of homosexual sometimes, you're either homosexual OR you're a bisexual if you sometimes swing either way. But it's not like at one end of a 'homosexuality spectrum' you're super homosexual and at the other end you're a guy and you only want to have sex with guys sometomes but the rest of the time you actively desire sex with women  Most people would say the second person is bi, not 'sometimes homosexual'.

[gaogao]

On 9/1/2017 at 11:57 PM, Yona said:

He said he's just the kind of person that gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants. What are y'all's thoughts on this?

 

On 9/1/2017 at 11:57 PM, Yona said:

He doesn't like to admit he's wrong or to lose an argument. Even if we're having a lighthearted conversation, he will make his argument more and more silly and outrageous just to avoid the phrase "you're right".

 I'm not gonna comment on the sexy stuff because idk anything about that as an asexual person and to be honest, i don't think that's actually relevant. From what you've said this seems more to be an issue about his attitude and maybe his reactions to you. No one is gonna get everything they want and we all have to learn how to deal with it. Also everyone has to learn how to say 'I'm Sorry' or 'You're Right' occasionally because everyone makes mistakes and everyone has to learn how to take responsibility and admit when they hurt/annoyed/inconvenienced someone else or when someone else knows better than them. 

 

In this context.. Whether or not sexuals are ok with hearing somebody piss or hearing about someone else's wet dream doesn't matter. The spectrum stuff also doesn't matter. You've said you're not into something and instead of trying to understand or respect it he shut down and got upset and defensive. It sounds like the issue here is more about him not respecting the boundaries you've clearly laid out and not being able to take responsibility for his actions or admit that he's wrong and say sorry.

 

I don't think you need to be questioning yourself about whether you're a prude or a hypocrite or about your sexuality. He just needs to stop being so defensive and learn how to take a little criticism. You can give him a little time to learn this stuff but it's really not you. Maybe he needs to be babied a bit before he'll learn, but don't let it get out of hand.

[Philip027]

You sound like you're in a relationship with a teenager rather than a grown man.

[marriedtoanace]

1) If a girl told me she had to change her sheets because she got wet thinking about me I'd think it was awesome.  With the right person this is totally appropriate.

2) This is very questionable, he shouldn't be used to "just getting his way".  If you're not down, you're not down.  You don't always have to be down for it, even in a relationship between two sexuals people aren't always DTF.  

3) You're dating a man child.  No other way about it, he needs to be able to admit that he's wrong.  I'm sorry I don't want to be on the phone with anyone when they're taking a piss.  That's incredibly rude and immature.  

 

My emotional rollercoaster when reading your post: 

😀😐🤢

 

This dude needs to grow up.  

[nanogretchen4]

Regardless of who is at fault in each incident, together they form a pattern of negative, hurtful, and disrespectful communication on both sides. You both seem to be more interested in winning and blaming each other than in resolving your differences constructively. If you get everyone on AVEN to agree that you are in the right and it's all his fault, what do you actually gain? If the relationship isn't working that's the problem of both people in the relationship. I think you should break up and give each other space for at least six months before trying to resume your friendship, if you still have friendly feelings for each other after this unsuccessful attempt at dating.

[Salted Karamel]

In each of these incidents, I don't think what he initially did was wrong, but the way he reacted was.

 

1. He does a thing that he thinks you're just as into as he is and it turns out you're not. Totally fine. And if by "it really upset him" you mean you could tell he was upset even though he tried not to unload his upset feelings on you, still fine and understandable. Humans have feelings, we get upset. But if by "it really upset him" you mean that he, say, turned the rest of the conversation into a discussion about how upset he was and how you should have been more considerate of his feelings (I'm just venturing here as this is a thing often done by people who do things like the rest of the things you described him doing), that would not be fine.

 

2. He says a thing that he thought would go over well and you did not receive it well. Totally fine. Being upset and embarrassed by the shut down? Also totally fine. Sulking and making his upset feelings your problem days later? Not fine.

 

3. You had different ideas of where the boundary lies, sure. But if this guy can't apologize for even minor things and so ends up always arguing in such a way that makes everything your fault in the conclusion, that is not okay.

 

If it helps offer any perspective that might also apply to him, I'm someone who has trouble accepting blame for things and apologizing, too. But then I realized it's because my father would always rub things in my face when I was found to be wrong about anything, so I became very defensive and would never admit to being wrong so that I couldn't be blamed and ridiculed for being wrong. Now that I know that, I'm trying to realize that other people aren't going to throw being wrong into my face and that it's okay and good to admit wrongness when applicable. Not sure what good it might do bringing this up with you instead of him, but maybe something similar to that is what makes him defensive as well? Does he have someone in his family/past that might be inclined to say a lot of "I told you so" and "God, how could you be so stupid as to make that mistake" or "remember that time you were wrong about that thing"?

[Rawrth]

I don't even consider this an "asexual problem" per se - rather it just seems like you two have a bad relationship (By that I mean, even if you were sexual, I would still say this is a problem. I myself am a sexual and I think his behavior is inappropriate. )

 

I don't want to make assumptions but he seems to see you as a sex object and not necessarily someone he is dating out of love/true crush. If you have not already, I suggest telling him you are asexual (or at least questioning) and ask him if he still wants to be in a relationship with you even if he can't get in your pants. I have been around guys like this who were only interested in sex and nothing emotional whatsoever. Like I said, I could be wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.