I'm gay and I think my boyfriend is asexual

[Am9462]

Hi I'm new to this site and I'm just looking for some answers. I'm a gay man and I think my boyfriend is asexual. We have been together for almost 9 months and we have never had sex. I have talked to him a lot about sex and I found a few things out that make me question he's 22 and a virgin. He looks at sex as something people do but not something necessary for a relationship. He has one sexual experience before me with a friend and it was mutually masturbating. The only problem is that friend told everyone and ever since my boyfriend has swarn off sex. 

When we got together he told me he wants to trust someone before he considers sex, but after 9 months and living together I feel like I'm just dating a friend.

I do have a problem though I've been feeling very repressed and almost cheated a few times. The reason I bring up the gay thing is bc to a lot of gay guys myself included sex is a natural and very strong part of a relationship.

I have brought up the idea of opening the relationship but he's against it and told me if we break up bc of sex he'd probably kick me out. Idk what to do and I just need answers please help.

[Antihero.]

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[nanogretchen4]

I'm not sure exactly what your boyfriend's deal is, but it seems like he's trying to use the threat of homelessness to keep you from leaving a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. So your first priority should be to make sure you have a more stable living situation lined up. Then, break up with him. Needless to say, most people who have had a messy falling out with one previous lover aren't put off sex for this long, so I'm skeptical of his origin story. Did one bad experience with a woman turn you gay? No? Then one bad experience with sex didn't turn your boyfriend asexual. Having gone through all the effort and risk of coming out, you deserve to be with a man who is actually gay.

[Cel]

Hmm yeah... unless things change very quickly, I'm with nanogretchen4.  If you are only 9months in, it is probably better to look for a more compatible partner.  (You won't have to look too hard on AVEN to find sad stories of people staying in relationships with different sexual needs.)

[Rawrth]

It sounds like the incident he had in the past is what is putting him off from being intimate with someone else. It doesn't necessarily mean he's asexual. 9 months is a long time, but you have to realize he's been dealing with this ever since it happened, and he might not come out of his "shell" as quickly as you think he should. 

 

If you have almost cheated on him, you need to reconsider what he means to you, and what you are willing to put into this relationship with him. Are you more worried about breaking up with him, or are you more worried about getting kicked out? 

[naturerhythms]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. In addition to the thoughtful responses and questions already provided, I wanted to share a few thoughts on opening up the relationship. In many polyamorous and polysexual relationships, the couple maintains their special bond by regularly having sex with each other--in addition to one or both also being involved with others. This helps to balance out the "new relationship energy" or intense bonding they likely feel with other people as a result of having sex with them. It helps them to reassure one another about their own bond. This is where asexual-sexual couples can bump up against an additional challenge: If you're not also regularly sharing sex in your primary relationship, there's a risk of losing the emotional connection there. The new outside connection just seems so much more exciting. I've experienced some of that, even with a partner who was loving in many ways.

 

So if you do eventually attempt an open relationship, you'll probably need other ways of maintaining the emotional bond with your primary partner if you wish it to last. And your partner--if they are indeed asexual AND they don't like sex (two things that sometimes but not always go together)--will naturally and understandably feel insecure about not being able to give you some of the same things as your other lover(s) can. But as others have reflected, it sounds like neither you nor your partner is even certain that he is asexual. And you haven't yet had a conversation about what each of you really wants and needs.

 

I briefly experimented with open relationships, and quickly realized it takes a lot of communication. Several longer-term poly people I know have said the same. And if you bring in other people without first getting really clear w/ your current partner about what you both want out of your relationship, and making sure that's in order, things will quickly get very messy. Whatever form your current relationship ultimately takes, I wish you both the best.