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What are you thinking: Gender Edition :)

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Dan99   
Dan99

TW(?) also I'm just embarrassed about my rants

Spoiler

*checking news about VR, medicine, and/or technology* "can I please have a god damn male body already????"

 

also I'm thinking I'm still delusional for wanting a male body so much. I'm so desperate though and it's not because my gender is male to me, it's because I'm obsessed with the idea of having a male body. A real male body.

 

I keep thinking I only want to be a guy because of that one guy I like/am obsessed with but hate so much sometimes. I keep worrying I'm just trying to be a better version of him, a better friend than he was. I still imagine the male version of myself in my head with a similar hair style to his.


 

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Dan99   
Dan99

tmi

Spoiler

"Is my vagina supposed to get all wet and gross almost everyday?"

 

I'm also having a moment of gender euphoria, imagining myself as this cute sweet guy and I love it. and I feel bad about it still. not the idealization of it, but the fact I love imagining myself as a guy in general. I started drawing male versions of myself again.

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I keep almost walking into the womens restroom myself, and then catching myself and reminding: "no teags you're a boy to these strangers, gotta respect their comfort *secretly stressed af from that*"

 

 

 

 

I am thinking, "why am I so jealous of crossdressors, I crossdressed nearly every day of my life!" :P

 

 

 

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Dan99   
Dan99

I get instantly angry,upset and dysphoric every single time someone at school says gay in any context or talks about trans people.

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I came out to people today

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I forgot Iwas a girl today lol

 

or more specifically, Ifailed to realize that people are smart enough to think of me as a girl when I come out, too used to people seeing my gatekeeper instead of the real me.

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I don't really think of myself as male, just generally think of myself as me, and in context where I imagine myself with others, I've mentally always used a male representation, I'm excited for the day I break that habit. At least in my daydreams I'm always a woman lol, and in my dreams usually I'm mtf trans who's just coming out now. <3 thank you, miss subconscious brain 

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Dan99   
Dan99

very tmi and just stupid and ranty

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I'm so sexually frustrated right now, I just want a god damn penis. A real one. I've been ranting to myself saying,"where the hell is my dick"over and over and over, I can't fucking take it. Lately I've been being really childish and blaming my parents for making me a girl even though birth sex can't be controlled. I just want to be AMAB, not AFAB. I want it so fucking bad I'm crying that I can't have it. Even if I could, my parents wouldn't believe me and wouldn't let me. I feel like being raised as a girl has made me stupid and sensitive, and I'm sick of pretending to like my body and liking girly shit just because I'm supposed to. I don't want to be shamed or made fun for wanting to be a guy and/or wanting a penis.

 

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Dan99   
Dan99

so my mom just told me i looked sad, and it went back and forth between me and her, her saying,"what's the matter?" and me saying,"nothing". I want to say it. I really do. But I can't. She'll think it's stupid. She'll think I just want to be trans because my one friend is. She'll tell me how to like my vagina and my uterus and that I don't want a dick or to be a guy or some stupid shit. It doesn't help that I keep going back and forth from being fine with identifying as a girl to hating my body so much.

 

Maybe I'm just romanticizing my vision of myself as a guy and I'm just being delusional.

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Robian   
Robian

when you go to the hospital with your mom and staff calls you 'he' and mom calls you 'she' which makes you feel outed though both are inaccurate and you're like no....

 

happens to me sometimes

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Kimmie.   
Kimmie.

It is so annoying that i get jealous of basically every woman i meet. It makes me feel like such a asshole.

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arekathevampyre   
arekathevampyre

realising that the lack of gender is one of the best things that ever occurred to me after years of going back and forth (questioning my gender) . 

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3 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

It is so annoying that i get jealous of basically every woman i meet. It makes me feel like such a asshole.

me too :(

 

I'm jealous of every transwoman I meet also :D they are, after all, women.

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Some transmen like to use a "removable dick", and it helps them feel whole.

 

 

I confess that when I was younger, I was uncomfortable with sex, and had this idea that maybe I could find a partner who wouldn't mind if I used a strap-on instead of my "real" piece. you know, that piece that isn't really me.

 

I wonder at how I could possibly get to 22 without realizing I was trans :lol:

 

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Dan99   
Dan99

I'm jealous of pretty much every one at this point. Guys because they're so lucky to have been born male, girls because they have the ability to actually like their body, trans guys who have transitioned because they're happy with it and I couldn't be, I even get jealous of trans women.

 

Maybe this isn't a phase, I looked at the stuff I posted and realized my first post was in march or something. I've ben digging myself into this rabbit hole for months and I can't ever do anything about it. Yet I keep pointlessly ranting about dysphoria and shit.

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Dan99   
Dan99

me almost all day yesterday: I want to be a guy. I'm definatley trans. I love imagining myself as a guy,  want my body to be different, I especially want different lower parts, I'm definatley trans.

 

right now: ehh, but I'm okay with being a girl. Being trans would be too hard.I mean sure, I want a male body so much I sometimes cry over it, but surgery is shit. And all girls wonder what being a guy is like, right? Who really likes their boobs and their private parts? It's probably normal to hate the changes in your body when puberty starts, that's why no one talks about it because they're all thinking the same thing.

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23 hours ago, Danny99 said:

I'm jealous of pretty much every one at this point. Guys because they're so lucky to have been born male, girls because they have the ability to actually like their body, trans guys who have transitioned because they're happy with it and I couldn't be, I even get jealous of trans women.

 

Maybe this isn't a phase, I looked at the stuff I posted and realized my first post was in march or something. I've ben digging myself into this rabbit hole for months and I can't ever do anything about it. Yet I keep pointlessly ranting about dysphoria and shit.

your understanding of  your gender is shifting to a more clearer picture. i can't tell you what that is tho Im' not very smart like that, but, i can tell your'e more sure of your thoughts nowadays compared to before.

 

it seems to me like part of you wants to be male for sure, but that there are very real reasons you aren't commited to identifying yourself one way or the other. for me i always kind of "knew" i was supposed to be female, but denied it. your experience is not the same like that it appears,b ut I can only interpret what you say and not what you feel. from what I can interpret, I am wondering if you are facing conflict I never did myself. I can only wish the best for you and your strength in the face of it moving forward, but I sense that you're somewhere now you weren't at before, moving towards something.

 

if it helps it took me about 2 years from being on aven to being able to identify I was a girl at all, and this was at 24-26... it's been almost another two years for me to show the confidence in my gender that I have today. and, I am glad to have been through this journey, as very difficult as its been.

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hm now, what was I thinking lol? when I came here to post....

 

"when I go out there are people and they look at me with odd looks and I just assume it's gotta do with my gender expression. I can't even have any sense of what it'd be like for anyone else, because I was just unaware or avoidant of stranger's facial expressions before this year, so I have no realistic prediction of how many grumpy looks is normal"

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oh also @Danny99 trust your own instinct and sense of self before you let anyone else tell you who you are... take my words only as encouragement that your work is not meaningless. I don't know you nearly as well as you know you, it's the way being human is ^_^  we gotta trust ourselves first.

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Dan99   
Dan99

@float on thank you. what you said made me feel a bit better about this. It's hard for me to trust myself this though because I go through phases where I'm worried it's just a weird phase and I also have bad internal transphobia, thinking I'm not allowed to be anything else, I'm not trans enough, surgery wouldn't be good enough, my parents won't believe me, etc. Since my mom said that she thinks I only think i'm trans because a friend is, I sort of believe her because I feel like I can't trust my own thoughts because I might have OCD or something.

 

then again my mom is one of those people that thinks OCD is just being neat and clean and that,"everyone has a little OCD". If everyone had OCD, then the D wouldn't be there.

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I know surgery won't be good enough for me. but between 19 and 24, enough of my body changed from the effects of puberty (like wow still that late lmao) that I couldn't be who I was anymore.

 

it was scary because, finding out I was trans introduce a FLOOD of disphoria and anxiety and pain into my life. that alone made me feel like, "clearly I'm just getting a shitty idea in my head and believing it even tho it is wrong" and y'know noticing other folk be super enthusiastic about accepting people who are trans made me scared of that even more. I've been worrying off and on that there's too much acceptence for genderqueer folk, that it is discouraging people from being gender normative :lol: So I'm really nervous about being encouraging to people one way or the other. I got a lot of self-doubt whenever I try to give support to another person regarding gender :redface:  bottom line is, watever you find yourself to be is perfectly A-ok, and whatever decisions you make based off of your desires and your experiences and your self-personal influences will be an OK decision to make. the factor that makes the only relevant difference here is what you feel is right for you. If my life was a little different, I would not have wanted to transition, identified as a demigirl, and mostly presented as male. that would've been an OK decision to make. but my life was different, and I made a different choice.

 

and even tho I say "decision" it's silly to make it seem as if in there being some level of choice involved that people should choose one way or the other, or that people are just being selfish for accepting themselves. ultimately the decision is to follow the path that is laid out for you to the most optimum, or fighting it. it's finding the path of least resistence. well, not so much, I dunno what I'm saying really lmao. - because if I did the easy way out I'd be still hurting or maybe even hospitalized from my health issues I faced. fighting that got me to a happy place to be. so I don't mean path of least resistence so much as I mean... the path that is most in focus. yeah, that's what I mean, the path that is most correct. once we find it we have confidence in it, and makes having found it feel like a decision. in fact we commit to the path, and again that is basically what a decision is, but the choice there is only one choice - to be ourselves. and to figure out, who is that person, without letting anything not-ourselves distract us from yes-ourselves.

 

for me if I was a male presenting person, I'd still be a transfeminine in my gender. but, the most authentic way of presenting as that would be to embrace my feminine side while presenting male. it would've been because I could find happiness with my body as it was, and would prefer the male identity as a means of expressing my life over a female identity. idk if I make any seense anymore. this post is soo long too...

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bottom line is I'll never have lady parts but at least i can get rid of the "cyst" that's there. that's enough to be worth it.

 

 

 

i keep forgetting my damn hormone pills :/ it's no wonder my body seems to be at a stand still, it's my own fault for it, always forgetting my meds.

 

i don't deserve happiness :unsure:

 

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Emery.   
Emery.
1 hour ago, float on said:

it would've been because I could find happiness with my body as it was, and would prefer the male identity as a means of expressing my life over a female identity.

hm, isn't it the opposite of what you're doing? :S I mean, I'm not taking hormones or having surgeries, as far as I know, so I get what you mean.

Is it that you find less resistance in doing otherwise?

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1 hour ago, Emery. said:

hm, isn't it the opposite of what you're doing? :S I mean, I'm not taking hormones or having surgeries, as far as I know, so I get what you mean.

Is it that you find less resistance in doing otherwise?

i don't understnad the question and I don't know what to say. the words are not the most accurate i've used. I used to be ok with my body, and then I stopped being ok. nowadays I feel more ok with my body, because I do have breasts and my skin is more feminine, and that makes a big difference for me. there's more to go, but I'm purposefully trying to avoid confessing things I'm not comfortable talking about.

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tfw people be like, "and a special thanks to the gentlemen in our ranks"

 

<_<

 

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Emery.   
Emery.
1 hour ago, float on said:

I used to be ok with my body, and then I stopped being ok.

Ah, okay then, it all seemed in the same tense... No , I was just surprised. I don't want to push you to write about something you don't want to talk about for sure :)

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Emery.   
Emery.

I have an appointment with the gender therapist tomorrow...

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tbh, the gender therapist I had I didn't like very much. The endo I have is annoying but she's good enough. but it's the trans health specialist who's really made the huge difference for me. 

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I try to keep my gender related posts to this thread but inevitably, my posts tend to be about gender.

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Dan99   
Dan99

I keep beating myself up for my constant trans thoughts and trying to push myself into just being a cis girl with low self esteem who hates the femaleness of her body.

 

why do i do this to myself, i know it's a bad thing to do. (to beat myself up over things,i mean)

Edited by Danny99

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