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What are you thinking: Gender Edition :)


binary suns

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I have these moments where I try to really imagine myself as a guy the best I can, and I feel really..male when it happens. ...I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

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A few hours ago my friend and I found some drunk students who were lost and we helped them back to the dorms. On the way I was called dude/he/him/boy the entire way 😁. One of them was getting kind of touchy (shaking my friend while talking nonsense.) He went up to me, put his hand on my chest, and said some other nonsense. I was wearing a tight sports bra and a hoodie. It felt weird to be touched in a place I've always been told is bad, but it wasn't sexual at all. He was too drunk to notice that there was something there. I felt weird for a second, and I dont like being reminded I have them, but the rest of the night was great. I was just one of the guys for a few hours and it felt good.

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15 hours ago, Emery. said:

In my experience without hormones you're... limited. However. Sports bras are good. You can use those that compress. Clothes from the men's section. Layering. Unisex clothes. Loose. Dark tops, or with prints on the front. You can consider cutting your hair short if you haven't already. Button downs. Polo shirts. Cargos. Sporty clothes. 

Yeah, all my clothes are t-shirts and baggy gym or cargo shorts. I'm too sweaty to wear long sleeves on a regular basis. My sports bras work, but they're too tight below the boobs and not tight enough around them. I'll mush them out of the way with my hands to look in the mirror, but that doesn't work when trying clothes on

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2 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Yeah, all my clothes are t-shirts and baggy gym or cargo shorts. I'm too sweaty to wear long sleeves on a regular basis. My sports bras work, but they're too tight below the boobs and not tight enough around them. I'll mush them out of the way with my hands to look in the mirror, but that doesn't work when trying clothes on

How compressive are the sports bras? Are they acrual sports gear? Those hold tight. They have to. 

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

I was inches from coming out to one of my colleagues in the department today and it felt really nice but I think I'll tell him next week. It's good because I've felt like I don't really care about pronouns or stuff despite also thinking my short name and they/them pronouns are just plain accurate lately, and need to remember that I just am not a girl, be around people who don't make me feel weird for not wanting "girly" things(including boobs, normal bras, "women's" clothing-though I still pretty much dress semi in that section, I feel like "guy's" trousers bring my attention to my bottom area which is kind of uncomfortable) and be able to express myself comfortably. I really do go between not caring about pronouns and wanting they/them, same as other dysphoric feelings, so it just kind of feels complicated. But anyway, I'm developing a really close relationship with my colleagues, feel like we're going to be good friends and it is really nice, having this sense of closeness with anyone but a small number of friends is rare for me and so I haven't felt the same discomfort being around people without being out, as I would if I had lots of friends on campus and saw my family a lot etc, until now which is why I want to come out to them and correct pronouns and stuff.

 

This is about the most stream of consciousness thing I've said in ages, good luck in trying to make sense of it  :P 

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18 hours ago, Emery. said:

How compressive are the sports bras? Are they acrual sports gear? Those hold tight. They have to. 

They hold things in place, but they're still obviously visible. I hate mirrors. I need to just get a binder. But I'm afraid once I get it, I won't ever take it off. 

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The other problem is in singing. An entire wall of the choral room is a mirror. I do my best not to look at it, and there's someone in front of me so even if I accidentally look straight ahead I don't always see myself.  I avoid mirrors because I don't like seeing boobs on me or how feminine my face looks. But then I met with the choir director to work on music. Practicing music with her was helpful and her tips were good, but I don't express enough when I sing so she had me watch myself in the mirror. If that happens again, screw air support I need a binder. 

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I'm thinking that now that I've made myself a neutrois (a little towards male) persona on the internet, people do act different and I feel more like myself. The way I express and write gets identified as male but I'm just being me. I see in the mirror and little by little my past self feels like a chore.

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my lower area is driving me insane. It's all I think about. Why couldn't I have just been born male so I wouldn't have to question this shit? oh well, it doesn't mater, it's only so important to me that it makes me want to cry and have a mental break down :P

 

I'm so desperate I just asdfggsaasdfgfdsaASDFGHGFDSDF I can't fucking take it anymore....

 

also what i'm thinking

Spoiler

what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with me?

 

 

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it's annoying that certain people still gender me as male, but what can I say I haven't come out :unsure: I guess I look masculine? I can't really tell anymore but my profile is starting to look curvy... sort of :/

 

 

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Trying to leave hints at hating my body, saying the fact that my body can make babies is gross instead of "i never want kids":

 

"Why won't you get it??? I've said shit like this since I had to start wearing a bra when  was 9."

 

.I wish I could've said that out loud. just the "I've been trying to tell you since i was 9/since puberty started"

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Also sorry my dysphoria starting points always change. I'm not sure where to pin point it because:

 

when I was 9, I thought bras where weird. I thought"Ew, I have to wear that weird thing?? I don't want my chest to grow, that's gross!"

 

when i was 10, I found something NSFW:

Spoiler

that clitorises and penises are similar in that we all start out the same when we're born and develop male or female parts from those parts, so I thought girls had weird tiny non-working penises back then for a while. Which is kind of true in a way.

 

in 2015, one of my friends told me they where agender, then I started freaking out if I was, then I found demigirl, and kept that for  while.

 

I roleplayed with a friend as male versions of ourselves and really liked it, ad starting kind of obsessing over it.

 

a while ago this obsessive gender dysphoria and euphoria has gotten to the point where it's all I can think about.

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When i look in the mirror just after i have shaved is the only moment i can see myself without being disgusted and sad.

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until random strangers call me miss i'm gonna continue to think I'm ugly and that's just the way it is <_<

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Seeing cute shoes, while looking for shoes for GF, but then you're like "It's weird to like this flowery shoes..., I can't be excited while still in this form"

 

:\

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Uni sent me an email ad for tampons and pads with the #likeagirl slogan :( 

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I feel like I'm about to break. I want to tell my mom what's been going with me so bad, but I can't. She'll probably think it's ridiculous. I can't fucking take it. The way I predict my own parents not giving a fuck about something important to me. I can't say that I think I'm trans in a direct way, because she'l just bring up,"oh, is it because your friend is transgender that you think this?" no, it's fucking not. I've gradually hated my body more and more since puberty started. I've been trying to tell you for years. Fucking listen to me for once about it.

 

I don't know what else to say here, I'm so fucking angry I'm at a loss for words.

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12 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

Seeing cute shoes, while looking for shoes for GF, but then you're like "It's weird to like this flowery shoes..., I can't be excited while still in this form"

 

:\

Clothes shopping can be really hard sometimes especially when you are with someone (mom) . I really want to go to the female ones. They look so much more interesting.

 

But i get you i really do.

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I legit don't know what to tell people when they ask what my preferred pronouns are

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I'm still confused about if this dysphoria is real or not. I've had the mentality of a whiny child my entire life, so i don't know.

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It has been 1 year since the first time I came out as nonbinary.

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Ugh......... My life is a mess......... I'm in a pity ditch of misery... LEAVE ME BE!

 

I like drowning in self-pity once in awhile -

 

*sudden mood change* WHOOP! IM GETTING A BINDER! YESSSSSSSSS! I WILL BE ABLE TO BREATH BETTER!!!!!!! - I WON'T DIE AT A YOUNG AGE!!! HAHA - !

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I have to always remind myself that there is always that small minority in this world who are not bothered about the lack of masculinity in appearance. It's okay to leave your guard down, no need to pretend anymore.

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TFW you're in a restaurant and people keep ma'am ing at least 5 times when you try to order a meal...

TFW you can't kick them for it because you have to behave while you endure their stupidity

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3 minutes ago, Jayce said:

TFW you're in a restaurant and people keep ma'am ing at least 5 times when you try to order a meal...

TFW you can't kick them for it because you have to behave while you endure their stupidity

I am glad that we rarelly use words like that here. I think that i have never been could mister or something like that ever. It almost always things like you instead at resturants.

But i understand that, that most be though for you.

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1 minute ago, Kimmie. said:

I am glad that we rarelly use words like that here. I think that i have never been could mister or something like that ever. It almost always things like you instead at resturants.

But i understand that, that most be though for you.

It's a common thing here in restaurants and anywhere else where you have to deal with people i.e hospital or grocery store to address people with either Ma'am or Sir.Gender neutral terms are rarely used. I gotta say i'm not going to complain if you ma'am me twice but it annoys me when people overdo it out of courtesy because they're afraid i might lash out at them if they don't ma'am me enough. I guess i should move over to your country

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10 minutes ago, Jayce said:

It's a common thing here in restaurants and anywhere else where you have to deal with people i.e hospital or grocery store to address people with either Ma'am or Sir.Gender neutral terms are rarely used. I gotta say i'm not going to complain if you ma'am me twice but it annoys me when people overdo it out of courtesy because they're afraid i might lash out at them if they don't ma'am me enough. I guess i should move over to your country

I think i have only been could mister once and that was in The Czech Republic.

but i think it is used in more fine dining places.

 

But then again being could him and he makes me grumpy.

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when I was little: I like girly things because I felt like I was supposed to, was legit obsessed with the power puff girls, I liked being called pretty and cute and romanticized being a woman.

 

Now: Ugggh I want to be a guy so baaad, why are cis guys so lucky?? F*ck this. or "Whatever, I'm fine with being a girl and having this gross female anatomy. But I wish I didn't."

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I was so surprised to learn that 'gender' existed when I was younger - my first breakdown was at 3... Good on you younger self, you'll come to learn that 'gender' is stupid and you'll never understand it - and you'll go out in manly clothes with a princess tiara - because f it! SOCIETY WATCH ME PULL OFF MANLY CLOTHES AND A TIARA!

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I keep thinking of what happened a couple days ago. I went to use a public restroom and immediately stopped in front of the Men's and Women's door. I didn't know what to choose honestly, I was too hesitant to go into the men's restroom, and too uncomfortable to go into the women's. Eventually I just took a deep breath and went in the women's hoping that no one was there to stare and make small talk, so I could just rush in and leave asap.

 

Next time, I'm holding it.

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