What are you thinking: Gender Edition :)

[Lirpaderp]

So many people are happy that I'm not afraid to be the "only girl" in different clubs and classes. If only they knew... I'm afraid to tell them. The professor talked about how proud she is because there are more girls in my engineering class than previous years. In jazz the only other AFAB was happy to see "another girl" audition for the group. I passed by her on my way to a test and she said "you got it girl". Every piece of me wants to tell people I'm not a girl, but I'm too scared. Leaving my dorm my roommate called me a girl too. I didn't correct her, but yeah.... 

 

I keep getting emails from the women in engineering program too. They all make me cringe. And a singing group I'm in, we're always addressed as ladies/women. I get that it's an upper voice group of people but it still feels wrong.

 

A few friends started calling me he and I love it. But I'm too scared to have them continue in public. I'm not man enough to be a man, But for sure I'm not a girl. I wish I looked less like a girl. My boobs are too big and my face is too feminine and my voice is too high. But I play instruments too much to wear a binder (not like I have one anyway), I sing so I can't take hormones or I'd have to learn how to sing all over again. Why is this all so complicated?

[Kimmie.]

It starts to feel more and more wrong to be could he and son and so on.  It is just a matter of time before I will snap or corect someone. 

 

And I still thinking of last weekend when my mom found my nail polish.  And how much her comment hurt.

[K.I.N.G]

Why was I born female?

If only there was freedom from all these gender norms and stereotypes the world would be quite a bit happier overall imo.

[Was here]

I keep confusing gender for gender expression, thinking I can't be a guy because I like to role play as girls and would be fine being a girl if I could turn into a guy :/ I don't know either.

[StormySky]

My dad thinks I'm not brave enough to see IT because I'm a girl?!

B**** I was watching scary movies since I was ten and I'm a thrill-seeking gryffindor. To hell with gender stereotypes.

 

Ironically he says he's so creeped out he won't even take us to the movies. 

[StormySky]

It was nice to see the choir program allow transmen (placed in the women's choir because of voice type) to wear suits and ties instead of dresses. I'm glad the choir directors here are open and awesome instead of the sports program's gendered uniforms here.

[Was here]

Denial and stuff, a little bit tmi just because of one word

Spoiler

"I'm not trans. I just want to be a guy so much that I cry sometimes."

 

"I'm not trans. I just want a penis so much it makes me cry sometimes."

 

"I'm not trans I just don't like being a girl."

 

"Every girl hates what they have down there, right? right??"

 

"Every girl wishes she had a penis so much that she cries, right??"

 

"Why does every girl want to be a girl but me? Why can't I like it?"

 

"Why is it that when someone calls me pretty or asks me if I ever want kids, it feels like an insult? Like they're testing how feminine I am?"

 

"How come for other girls being pretty is naturally a thing they like being, but for me it feels like I'm playing a role that I hate?"

 

"what the f*** is wrong with me????? Why can't I just accept what I've been my entire life?"

 

"I'm just over reacting, I like being pretty sometimes. But then I go right back to hating it."

 

[Emery.]

I cannot believe it. Is gender not on my mind any more?

[Silk Bones]

I feel like nothing today. I don't feel that I am one thing, the other, or in between. What a great feeling.

[swirl_of_blue]

It would be so cool to be the dad that paints their nails with their daughter, and learns to do the daughter's hair in complicated styles. But I'm never going to be a dad and most probably never even going to have children. And even if I had kids, it wouldn't be the same being a mum and doing the nail painting and other feminine things. As much as I often dislike gender binary, it is good for one thing: breaking the stereotypes. But doing girl things as a guy is something I'll never be able to do...

[binary suns]

it's rough that's for sure.

[LeChat]

1 hour ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It would be so cool to be the dad that paints their nails with their daughter, and learns to do the daughter's hair in complicated styles. But I'm never going to be a dad and most probably never even going to have children. And even if I had kids, it wouldn't be the same being a mum and doing the nail painting and other feminine things. As much as I often dislike gender binary, it is good for one thing: breaking the stereotypes. But doing girl things as a guy is something I'll never be able to do...

Hi! Have you seen these videos of transmen trying to put makeup on each other and dress as females? Maybe it'll brighten your day. They're having a great time and other people commenting found it fun and hilarious, too.

 

The transguy with dyed hair really does paint his nails in different colors and likes wearing pink in his daily life (he identifies more with being trans and male (70%), rather than as non-binary, even though he acknowledges that other people would technically consider him to be non-binary.)

 

I relate to these videos because I don't wear makeup and am not familiar with what all of the makeup tools are called or with how they're used, either.

 

(Trigger warning for adult language.)

Where they're both putting on each others' makeup.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM3ZDu_ujKQ

 

This is when they try on feminine clothes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgIkel3yriY

 

 

 

 

 

[MMD]

I'm scared I feel alone

iv done my research I'm going to the doctor to start gender reassignment 

but I'm F**KING terrorfide  

[LeChat]

(when me, a cis female, is more clueless about makeup and makeup terms than a transman, who knew what the correct terms for those things were.)

[Lirpaderp]

2 hours ago, sg06 said:

(when me, a cis female, is more clueless about makeup and makeup terms than a transman, who knew what the correct terms for those things were.)

I was teased for saying "wait.... mascara goes on your eyes, right?". I at least made an effort to join the conversation, and inquire about their topic. How was I supposed to know that was a stupid question? At the time I was embarrassed. Now I don't care. I've only worn it once but I don't like the feeling of it, I didn't look like me, putting it on took my friend forever because I flinch when something is close to my face, it smells weird, I couldn't get it off, I don't know how to use it, and I don't want to spend money on it. 😀 It's been a full 2 years since anyone tried to put me in makeup

[Amaretti]

It's really draining that one of my best friends respects other people's gender ids but continues to misgender me. Doesn't even make a mild effort to use my pronouns. You can't use how long we've known each other before I came out as an excuse anymore. It's been 3 years!

[LeChat]

19 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

I was teased for saying "wait.... mascara goes on your eyes, right?". I at least made an effort to join the conversation, and inquire about their topic. How was I supposed to know that was a stupid question? At the time I was embarrassed. Now I don't care. I've only worn it once but I don't like the feeling of it, I didn't look like me, putting it on took my friend forever because I flinch when something is close to my face, it smells weird, I couldn't get it off, I don't know how to use it, and I don't want to spend money on it. 😀 It's been a full 2 years since anyone tried to put me in makeup

(looks up the definition of mascara) Ha! I also had a friend who tried to put makeup on me, mascara, and I think she penciled my eyes. She said, "There. Now, you look better," and "pretty," which, obviously was her code for, "more feminine," because she'd noticed I never wore makeup to school like she did. It sort of felt as though she was saying that I normally/always/usually looked ugly or unattractive in my everyday life, at school, just because I didn't wear makeup. That was just one of the many, small incidences and reasons why I was confused, growing up, about whether I was trans or not.

 

I thought I looked weird with the makeup on my face, like all the black around my eyes was too much and too noticeable; I didn't understand how or why she thought it made me "look better."

 

Plus, I too, thought makeup was too expensive for something that I'd have to put on and take off at night, everyday. It's been a long time since anyone tried to put makeup on me.

 

 

@Amaretti

 

I'm sorry to hear about your friend not respecting your pronouns. I don't know what to say that could possibly help, other than you're not alone in having others not use correct pronouns. I've heard other trans people say that their close family members are still reluctant to use their new names or pronouns, even several years after transitioning.

[kaysir]

I'm gay! I'm gay!!

[Was here]

My self esteem is incredibly low, I feel tired and weak, little motivation to do anything, I just can't take it anymore right now.

 

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling slightly better for some reason, but I don't want to. I don't want to feel okay. I have no reason to feel okay when I have a serious dysphoria problem that I'll never be able to fix. I want to feel even worse. I want to feel sick for days. I want to feel depressed and emotionally dead and unmotivated. It's like I love feeling absolutley miserable for some reason.

 

Wait is this too serious and I should move it somewhere else? ^^;

[binary suns]

^its fine. anything serious is fine here, any long-standing thread is more about the sense of community with the regulars who post in it. because the other thread most similar to this one is more geared around longer posts, I made one more geared around shorter posts with this thread, but neither thread is exclusive to any type of post.

 

we could randomly talk about something random like cats if somehow the topic momentarily went there lol   it's fine if you wanna post anything you're thinking here.

 

 

 

I'm thinking - wow, it's really complicated my life, coming to terms with being trans. not that I regret it tho. but, I really regret being so complicated, cant I be easier? I feel weak or broken. I know I am not. but I feel like I am. I feel defeated and helpless...

 

 

oh that came out in text, much more serious than I thought, myself heh  

 

I thinking also, how much overwheling the demands on my life are, for being trans, of having to present a certain way to pass. so dumb. but it is what it is, at least for me - I know others are more comfortable being just themselves than I am, but for me to be myself that means that others see me as a girl lol. and they don't and I can't change that in five years it'll be easy to put on makeup every day and wear the feminine clothes that well, I do wanna do both those things! hehe. but it's hard to just, start being a girl, in behavior and in style and in accessories/makeup and in voice, when all my life I've been internalizing those wants and denying them. and identifying myself purposefully as a certain type of male person, embracing him as me, and now I know I don't have to be him, but he's there in the subtleties of my behavior. I don't really want to lose some of the aspects of that person, as it is in fact based on me, but I wanna adapt them into the more feminine person who is more true to who I am.

 

but it's so much work lol and I don't feel strong enough to do it. I don't feel deserving to do it. *sigh* and I feel petty, for identify personalities as male or female! but it isn't really petty, just, subjective, lol. being in-charge and independent makes many women feel like women, and many men feel like men, and same for nb feeling nb, but it ain't  so exclusive really, even tho we feel our independents validates and affirms our gender. hehe I like that tbh.

 

 

oops long post  

[Lirpaderp]

1 hour ago, float on said:

we could randomly talk about something random like cats if somehow the topic momentarily went there lol   it's fine if you wanna post anything you're thinking here.

Yes please. Today has been weird. I really need a distraction from myself.

[999papercranes]

Well if we want to talk about cats, I can tell you about the adorable little monster in my profile picture. She's less than a year old and has more fluff than body mass. Her name is Rocket. What she does is she waits until you walk by her and then she uses both paws to wrap around your feet. She lets you drag her around until you're forced to stop, then she sits on your feet and licks and nibbles your ankles.

 

That's all I can write before I leave for school, but I never pass up an opportunity to talk about my fluffball. 

[Was here]

I feel like I would apathetic towards pronouns if I could ever transition, but I don't know if that's because of internalized transphobia and confusion or if I really wouldn't care about what I'm seen as at that point. Using female pronouns though and having a male body would be weird, and I think I would feel fake. I don't know.

TW, I guess, I don't know if I should put this warning, but I am anyway.

Spoiler

Why am I even bringing this stuff when it's pointless to me because surgery is terrifying to me and to shitty for me.

[binary suns]

On 9/27/2017 at 8:05 AM, 999papercranes said:

Well if we want to talk about cats, I can tell you about the adorable little monster in my profile picture. She's less than a year old and has more fluff than body mass. Her name is Rocket. What she does is she waits until you walk by her and then she uses both paws to wrap around your feet. She lets you drag her around until you're forced to stop, then she sits on your feet and licks and nibbles your ankles.

 

That's all I can write before I leave for school, but I never pass up an opportunity to talk about my fluffball. 

SO ADORABLE!

 

our family's kitty doesn't allow you to pick him up.

 

he avoids touching you too, except to pet or to rub against your leg, or to rub his face on your petting hand.

 

but he's pretty cute.

 

when he was younger, (But still adult) he had a funny way of walking. idk if he still walks that way tho, or if I just got used to it

 

 

[binary suns]

hmmmm I was thinking something earlier.

 

well, one is I keep forgetting I'm "a guy" so to speak, lol, which is nice.

 

and well, I'm thinking about next week - homecoming and 5 year reunion at my college not sure what'll happen. one of my friends from college called me up to make sure I was going xD so I'm going... but idk...

[Was here]

*internal screaming, rapid thoughts, hormones making me emotional, thinking I'm insane for thinking I'm trans for 6 months or 1 or 2 years, constant doubt, fear, feeling like everything I say or type is incoherent, just a crap ton of anxiety and stress that makes me feel like I'm delusional and losing touch with reality*

[LeChat]

@(D)anny

 

I don't know if this'll help you figure out yourself or not, but do you like your name (i.e. (D) anny), do you prefer being called your birth name, or do you like both names, equally? If you can't decide your gender, perhaps it means you're genderfluid, bigender, genderflux, genderqueer, etc.? There's nothing wrong with identifying as one of those, and then, changing your mind if you figure yourself out better later.

[Was here]

1 hour ago, sg06 said:

@(D)anny

 

I don't know if this'll help you figure out yourself or not, but do you like your name (i.e. (D) anny), do you prefer being called your birth name, or do you like both names, equally? If you can't decide your gender, perhaps it means you're genderfluid, bigender, genderflux, genderqueer, etc.? There's nothing wrong with identifying as one of those, and then, changing your mind if you figure yourself out better later.

My name isn't Annie, it's just kind of a mix between a male and female name. I thought of changing my username to my real name or something else, but I kind of like using Danny or Dan or something as a name, idk.

 

EDIT: made it my nickname with 'the person' on it because 'Mal' was taken and I'm not creative with names.

[Was here]

I kind of thought of being okay with both a male and female name actually, like people can call me whatever they want...at some point...or never, because I'll never do anything about it. maybe this idea is just another denial thing

 

i don't know anymore. I'm afraid of ever getting used to a new name, and if I'm genderfluid or something, saying,"oh I'm a trans guy but you can call me either of these names and any pronoun" sounds weird.

[LeChat]

It's possible to be--or identify as--a non-binary transguy who uses "they" pronouns. A transguy on YouTube mentioned that he has friends, or has heard of other transguys identifying that way. There's nothing weird about that.