Degrees of attraction

[Maristine]

I'm sure most of us know that there are different types of attraction: aesthetic vs platonic vs romantic vs sensual vs sexual, etc.

 

But as a demisexual going through life and occasionally experiencing attraction to people (although I am working on a really small sample size so might not be totally accurate), I realize that sometimes it's hard to tell if I am attracted to someone or not.

 

I used to think of attraction as an on/off switch. Either you're attracted or you're not. But I've come to realize that, at least for me, attraction is more like an oven switch, where there are different levels and settings.

 

For example, there have been people who I've been attracted to the idea of having sex with them, but when I actually see them in person, I'm not sexually attracted but just platonically or romantically attracted.

 

I went through this with my current boyfriend and fiancé. After one or two dates, the idea of having sex with him didn't disgust me, then I grew to actually like the idea and fantasize about it, but I wouldn't have those feelings when I was actually around him. That actually worried me for a while because he was the third person I felt that way about and was beginning to fear I might be forever doomed to desire a sexual relationship with a person but never feel completely attracted to them or comfortable enough to actually do anything sexual with them and satisfy that desire.

 

But eventually, I did get the tingles every now and again and now I am fully attracted to him. But it was a very gradual change. There wasn't a light switch moment. It just developed over a few months of getting to know each other.

 

So when someone finds out I'm Demi and asks how many people I've been attracted to, it's hard to say, because depending on where I draw the line on the spectrum, the answer could be 1 or 3.

 

Do any of you have similar experiences? I feel like this is similar to how lith/akoisexual people feel but I'd like to hear from people all along the ace spectrum (and some allo people if there are any on here).

[binary suns]

yeah attraction is a confusing landscape to navigate lol.

 

I definitely feel attraction in many ways, and the language and discourse available was helpful only up to a point - I really just had to spend a lot of time reflecting and experiencing and getting to understand who I am when it comes to attraction. . .

 

I think some of the things do reflect my experience as well, but in a different way than precisely what i feel. so really I notice this actually, with a lot of times of talking with others - that, we all have our own experiences and talking about each of ours is a little different from the next person, but well we overlap too in some ways. idk...

 

one thing is clear, that the standard model of attraction is only the most common - and even then it's a narrow look at it lol. and, I think this is actually okay. If it had too many specifics, no one would identify with the idea of sexual attraction - so it only has the most common things that hang onto its model. and that's in that way, good - it is most relatable.

 

so for ace spectrum folk it can be especially difficult to relate to it - but you are very right that, there's more to sexuality orientation and attraction than common knowledge acknowledges.

 

[GLRDT]

Yeeaaah. It's very easy and obvious for me when I become emotionally, romantically, and or intellectually attracted to someone. I have learned that unfortunately, I usually can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to someone until we are doing sexual things. Most of the time if someone kisses me I feel nothing or can get bored if it's like a full make out session. Most of the time if someone touches my skin, I feel nothing sexual. But like three times in my life I've gotten tingles in my chest when I was touched or kissed a certain way and that was niiiice. The times I've known I've been sexually attracted to someone for sure is when I get super curious about what sex would be like with them. Not desire, but curiosity because I feel so strongly attracted to them, I wonder if it would be different or more passionate.

[EggplantWitch]

I'm pretty inexperienced - as in, I've never dated, I've never had sex - so I can't comment as much as I'd like to, but I found what you said about fantasizing about something, but then it's absent when you're actually with them, very interesting. I think that's what I'm experiencing right now in regards to romantic attraction, in that I find myself daydreaming about my maybe-crush (who I only really know online, I met him irl once before I knew him as well as I do now as part of a bigger meetup) asking me out, or responding favourably if I were to tell him, and feeling a bit giddy about the idea of talking to him when no one else is around. But then when I do message him outside of a groupchat, or when we're using voicechat to play Dungeons and Dragons with, the Romantic Attraction Percentage drops right down to not exactly 0, but mabe more like 15% in comparison to the previous 80%. Which is honestly a bit of a relief, that would be super embarrassing! Though I still think I'd rather have it 100% or 0% in either direction... either I just care about him as a friend, or I have a full-blown crush, because that would be so much less confusing to deal with than whatever the hell is going on!

[The_Reluctant_Dragon]

There are many degrees of attraction, and when your asexual or under its umbrella, you constantly ask what attraction you’re feeling. There is:

Sexual attraction: Attracted to someone in a sexual way or having an urge to have sex with someone

Romantic attraction: Attracted to someone in a romantic way or wanting to date someone (crush) 

Aesthetic attraction: Thinking someone is pleasing to the eye and you like to look at that person without wanting sex or to date them.

Platonic attraction: A desire to be friends with someone and you want to be close to someone (squish) 

Alterous attraction: Finding someone attractive not in a romantic or platonic way. Attractive somewhere in the middle. (This confuses me a lot)

Intellectual attraction: Attracted to someone’s intelligence, you like them because they are smart.

Spiritual attraction: Attracted to someone’s spirit, such as their aura. (Fun fact: I read auras)