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A Very Grey and Demisexual Problem


SHOOOKOH

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Hey all. 

 

So to cut right to the chase I've been more sexually intimate with my partner and afterwards I feel like it was a mistake or just some form of confused guilt pops up.

 

The odd thing is that I love the sexual intimacy with them during and usually initiate it. Things only get uncomfortable during the 'fun stuff' if I think about afterwards and how I know it'll fill my head with confusion again. 

 

As my boyfriend said and I totally agree (paraphrasing here): "Everyone goes through an adjusting period when they first get sexual--even I did--since it really is a new facet being made in the diamond of your life. Everyone--even me--doesn't really think it'll be that much of a change though it turns out to be a intense one that's not super hard to deal with usually. Since you're a demisexual and grey asexual person this whole 'adjusting period' is gonna be a lot harder (he then said pun intended like the dork he is) since outside of our little forcefield--as you called it--you have zero interest in even thinking about sex as an abstract concept other than jokes or whatever." 

 

The part that cut me a little deep was how he admitted he could only help me so much due to being a sexual person and even suggested that I ask you guys here on AVEN since he knows I use this forum hahaha 

 

So that's what I'm doing as you can see. I just want to know how to feel comfortable as a grey ace both in the proverbial bedroom and out on the street. I know there's no real one way since this is co-morbid with the adjusting period of me being sexual with someone for the first time and being more sexual for the first time in general. 

 

I hate the 'post-sexual intimacy confusion' that's been bothering me lately. Even posting about this is uncomfortable for me since I am not fond of talking about sex that much if at all lol. I know I need help though since I don't feel wrong during the sexually intimate times nor do I feel like I'm not ace anymore. I just want and need to find that balance that will help me feel more in control---excuse my human ego for a bit it needs some help too hahaha 

 

Any advice would be appreciated!!! Thanks for reading my post and I wish you all a good day/evening :cake:

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Do you have any insight into why you feel guilty or what you regret? For example, do you worry that your engaging in sexual acts might make you less ace than you thought - and you start to feel like (or wonder if) you're a fraud? Do you see sexual intimacy as something precious and regret making it too easy or giving it to the wrong person?

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I don't know if it helps, but I find I practically become a different person during sex. Thinking about it like this, I can split off from the sexual acts that don't sit well with me outside of the moment. But I'm pretty sure thats the basis of dissociative personality disorder.... lol!

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ChickenPadSeeEew
2 hours ago, SHOOOKOH said:

Hey all. 

 

So to cut right to the chase I've been more sexually intimate with my partner and afterwards I feel like it was a mistake or just some form of confused guilt pops up.

 

The odd thing is that I love the sexual intimacy with them during and usually initiate it. Things only get uncomfortable during the 'fun stuff' if I think about afterwards and how I know it'll fill my head with confusion again. 

 

As my boyfriend said and I totally agree (paraphrasing here): "Everyone goes through an adjusting period when they first get sexual--even I did--since it really is a new facet being made in the diamond of your life. Everyone--even me--doesn't really think it'll be that much of a change though it turns out to be a intense one that's not super hard to deal with usually. Since you're a demisexual and grey asexual person this whole 'adjusting period' is gonna be a lot harder (he then said pun intended like the dork he is) since outside of our little forcefield--as you called it--you have zero interest in even thinking about sex as an abstract concept other than jokes or whatever." 

 

The part that cut me a little deep was how he admitted he could only help me so much due to being a sexual person and even suggested that I ask you guys here on AVEN since he knows I use this forum hahaha 

 

So that's what I'm doing as you can see. I just want to know how to feel comfortable as a grey ace both in the proverbial bedroom and out on the street. I know there's no real one way since this is co-morbid with the adjusting period of me being sexual with someone for the first time and being more sexual for the first time in general. 

 

I hate the 'post-sexual intimacy confusion' that's been bothering me lately. Even posting about this is uncomfortable for me since I am not fond of talking about sex that much if at all lol. I know I need help though since I don't feel wrong during the sexually intimate times nor do I feel like I'm not ace anymore. I just want and need to find that balance that will help me feel more in control---excuse my human ego for a bit it needs some help too hahaha 

 

Any advice would be appreciated!!! Thanks for reading my post and I wish you all a good day/evening :cake:

First of all, I get what it's like to know yourself and identify as something and then have to rectify it with a new label. (Can't we just be supplied with a lifetime badge at our birth that tells us everything we'll ever need to know about our sexuality? 😅) But no, off we go, choosing a label, liking it/loving it (for some of us), and then life intervenes. Or in your case, err, your boyfriend does!

 

It can be hard to move from asexual to demi/gray due to an experience with just one person. One here too. And reading your other post, you mentioned about how you were taught to regard sex as something that (I've forgotten your words; sorry if I misrepresent you here) 'good girls' don't do. And while you knew your aceness was an entangled yet separate thing to that, maybe it could have felt good on a subconscious level to know you'd tick the "good girl" box as well, as a coincidental bonus of being ace? 

 

Also, most sexual folk get used to the idea of sex over puberty and beyond. They have a lot of years learning about it and imagining it, before they even get to it. You've gone from 0 to (insert the number) at what could feel like full speed. 

 

I can't tell you how to feel about sex or about yourself for liking sex. But I will say that I've come to feel great about myself and unlearning those early lessons is possible (I was raised by an extremist Catholic!), but it takes time and being kind with yourself. Practicising absolute self acceptance is key... Sometimes people taught us lessons about life and sex that were just... wrong. (I became a big advocate of science, and that helped me. I realised all the heavy judgements around sex were just decided by other humans at some pt in history. I'm a human in history too, and I get to decide what sex means to me!) 

 

Whatever you are, you are perfect and wondruous! You only have to be you. 

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NoLongerActive1234

I can relate to a lot of what you are writing and I have been there and somewhat still getting accustomed to being demisexual. I think your boyfriend seem to be spot on in that it is a process. Going from having no interest whatsoever to only experiencing it with this one person is bound to be new and confusing. I think letting yourself feel uncomfortable is part of it moving forward, it is okay that it takes time.

For me it has helped pondering and talking about how I feel about sex both generally as well as personally (maybe it has made me more confused at times though lol) to also figure out why I have problems with some aspects of sex and what it is that I like about it, what works for me. It's not the easiest thing to do when being awkward and feeling uncomfy talking about it-I can relate to that as well although it is not as much anymore. You could ask yourself like what Tercy mentioned what prompts feeling guilty? In what way do you need to have control. Maybe you have someone you can talk to one on one about all this sex stuff as well that you trust and feel comfortable with.

What matters is that however you feel about sex there is no right or wrong. You experience it how you experience it and that is always fine and as it should be.:):cake:

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
7 hours ago, Tercy said:

Do you have any insight into why you feel guilty or what you regret? For example, do you worry that your engaging in sexual acts might make you less ace than you thought - and you start to feel like (or wonder if) you're a fraud? Do you see sexual intimacy as something precious and regret making it too easy or giving it to the wrong person?

Maybe there's something burried deep within your subconsciouness that makes you feel uncomfortable and scared? Maybe because it feels like giving up / betraying your ace identity at some point? Or maybe just the pure experience of feeling "unclean" or "dirty" in some way?

 

I find it pretty hard to deal with the last two points myself sometimes.

 

7 hours ago, Tofruity said:

I don't know if it helps, but I find I practically become a different person during sex. Thinking about it like this, I can split off from the sexual acts that don't sit well with me outside of the moment. But I'm pretty sure thats the basis of dissociative personality disorder.... lol!

I'm not really sure if this feeling is exclusively connected to dissociative personality disorder since I'm experiencing quite the same thing for most of the time when having or thinking about real sex and I think there's also actually a lot of truth in it because your behaviour really changes during intercourse. Take it or leave it. I really hate these things happening to me during these special moments but there's no way to ignore or get away from it. It seems to be a basic essential part of physical procreation somehow. You can't have sex while leading a philosophical discussion, if you know what I mean.

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3 hours ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

I'm not really sure if this feeling is exclusively connected to dissociative personality disorder since I'm experiencing quite the same thing for most of the time when having or thinking about real sex and I think there's also actually a lot of truth in it because your behaviour really changes during intercourse. Take it or leave it. I really hate these things happening to me during these special moments but there's no way to ignore or get away from it. It seems to be a basic essential part of physical procreation somehow. You can't have sex while leading a philosophical discussion, if you know what I mean.

I was mostly kidding....well making light of the defense. Anyway, when I went through a "sexual" phase I embraced it. It brought me comfort. 

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12 hours ago, Tercy said:

Do you have any insight into why you feel guilty or what you regret? For example, do you worry that your engaging in sexual acts might make you less ace than you thought - and you start to feel like (or wonder if) you're a fraud? Do you see sexual intimacy as something precious and regret making it too easy or giving it to the wrong person?

I do have some insight on where the guilt originates from; unfortunately like most girls I was taught to 'keep my legs shut' and to avoid doing anything that could get me called a slut or whore. My abusive mother would say I'd grow up to be a whore since being born with a congenital heart defect--it's fixed don't worry lol--I couldn't do any drugs or whatever to relieve stress. Though my mother's logic is highly flawed, I was drilled that into my head from a very young age since I had the surgery to fix it at 3 almost 4 years old. It's one of those 'you hear it long enough that you believe it' kind of things. Plus she's my mom and well it's not wrong to take what she says as fact at a young age, right? 

 

Although I know her abusive ass was wrong on so many things along with that it is hard to shake it out of my head. My boyfriend constantly reminds me I'm not a whore or slut but just a young woman realizing what she likes. He also makes it clear he's just not saying that since he's a sexual guy trying to keep me going for his sake. 

 

And yes I do feel like a fraud of an asexual person for realizing I'm more in the grey area of things. Ironically enough I hated myself for coming to terms with being asexual in general but now it's like "I can't even be purely asexual??? Why must life do this oh my God" My whole relationship with being asexual has been rocky since I have confidence issues--and mental illnesses--as it is. 

 

I also do view sexual intimacy as a precious thing. My boyfriend reminds me a lot that there's no such thing as 'giving yourself up' to someone or 'losing a virginity' and that you're just simply having your first sexual experience. He also went on to say that people who brag or whatnot about how much sex they have or if they 'took someone's virginity' that they're very narrow-minded and it shows how dumb and primitive they are. He then grounded me with saying how I'd never be hanging around those types of people most of the time anyways nor would he be with them either. 

 

 

9 hours ago, ChickenPadSeeEew said:

First of all, I get what it's like to know yourself and identify as something and then have to rectify it with a new label. (Can't we just be supplied with a lifetime badge at our birth that tells us everything we'll ever need to know about our sexuality? 😅) But no, off we go, choosing a label, liking it/loving it (for some of us), and then life intervenes. Or in your case, err, your boyfriend does!

 

It can be hard to move from asexual to demi/gray due to an experience with just one person. One here too. And reading your other post, you mentioned about how you were taught to regard sex as something that (I've forgotten your words; sorry if I misrepresent you here) 'good girls' don't do. And while you knew your aceness was an entangled yet separate thing to that, maybe it could have felt good on a subconscious level to know you'd tick the "good girl" box as well, as a coincidental bonus of being ace? 

 

Also, most sexual folk get used to the idea of sex over puberty and beyond. They have a lot of years learning about it and imagining it, before they even get to it. You've gone from 0 to (insert the number) at what could feel like full speed. 

 

I can't tell you how to feel about sex or about yourself for liking sex. But I will say that I've come to feel great about myself and unlearning those early lessons is possible (I was raised by an extremist Catholic!), but it takes time and being kind with yourself. Practicising absolute self acceptance is key... Sometimes people taught us lessons about life and sex that were just... wrong. (I became a big advocate of science, and that helped me. I realised all the heavy judgements around sex were just decided by other humans at some pt in history. I'm a human in history too, and I get to decide what sex means to me!) 

 

Whatever you are, you are perfect and wondruous! You only have to be you. 

YES WHY CAN'T WE GET A BADGE OR SOMETHING THIS LIFE THING IS VERY DIFFICULT WITHOUT IT OMG. 

 

Anyway I hope to find some self-acceptance soon and as someone who looks to science a lot like you do I'll definitely use that to help. Hell, science helped me get over my minor fear of thunderstorms by teaching me what's really going on during them! And you're right on the lessons we learn on life and sex being decided by other humans and as a human I have a voice to use for the most important person being affected by how I feel about these things: myself. 

 

For something that requires patience and constant renewal my impatient ass has their work cut out for them hahahaha

 

That going '0 to full speed' analogy you wrote is so spot on too. I tend to tell my boyfriend how it feels like I'm moving so fast with this but I know him and I have been together for a while and how I'm scared but not scared at the same time. Thankfully he gets where I'm coming from but I can tell he feels bad for not being able to press a button to help me feel better. I know he just wants me to feel more comfortable since that's what you want for your partner in a sexual context and otherwise and I want that for myself too. 

 

Thank you for the last line of your post. You're perfect and wondrous too!! (That goes to everyone else here as well!) :cake::cake::cake:

 

 

9 hours ago, MistySpring said:

I can relate to a lot of what you are writing and I have been there and somewhat still getting accustomed to being demisexual. I think your boyfriend seem to be spot on in that it is a process. Going from having no interest whatsoever to only experiencing it with this one person is bound to be new and confusing. I think letting yourself feel uncomfortable is part of it moving forward, it is okay that it takes time.

For me it has helped pondering and talking about how I feel about sex both generally as well as personally (maybe it has made me more confused at times though lol) to also figure out why I have problems with some aspects of sex and what it is that I like about it, what works for me. It's not the easiest thing to do when being awkward and feeling uncomfy talking about it-I can relate to that as well although it is not as much anymore. You could ask yourself like what Tercy mentioned what prompts feeling guilty? In what way do you need to have control. Maybe you have someone you can talk to one on one about all this sex stuff as well that you trust and feel comfortable with.

What matters is that however you feel about sex there is no right or wrong. You experience it how you experience it and that is always fine and as it should be.:):cake:

 

Thank you for reassuring me that this is something that takes time and that it's okay for it to take time!

 

The person I tend to talk to about this kind of stuff happens to be my boyfriend and we were even talking about this sort of thing along with the acceptance of wanting or not wanting sex way before we were sexually intimate with one another. You could even say it was a catalyst for me to feel comfortable enough to go to the next level with him. To my surprise he was never expecting me to be more sexual with him and was totally okay with it despite being a sexual person himself. So when the change happened he was pleasantly surprised along with me hahaha

 

I guess my desire to feel in control is tied to how I'm afraid of being a slut or whore or whatever. It's a mindset I have to break away from since it's obviously toxic and wrong. The sense of control most likely is me wanting to fully know and feel good about how I feel about sex in my own life both as a young woman and as an ace. I'll definitely have to mull over it more so thank you for the prompt! 

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for the replies!! These really helped and I wish all the best to you guys as well!!! Cake for everyone :cake::cake::cake::cake: (I use the cake emoticon on here way too much lol)

 

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