am i grey-a?

[ummmm]

(First of all excuse me if I have any mistakes because English is not my first language)

 

I'm an 18 year old (female) and I've recently been thinking about this a lot. There's this guy, we've been friends for a long time and now we're talking more to see where this goes. I like him and I would like him to be my boyfriend, kiss, cuddle, talk, that stuff but I don't want him in a sexual way. I just don't think about him that way. We tried it once, we were kissing and he was touching me but I felt bored and uninterested. I kept letting him because he liked it.

 

 I think it might've happened because i just wasn't in the mood or wasn't feeling it. But I've never thought of him that way, and I don't want to ever have sex with him. But I'm afraid he will stop liking me if i tell him that. Obviously, because for the majority of people, sex is an important part of a relationship.

 

On the other hand, there was this other guy. We made out once and I started liking him a few months after that. I started (maybe i still do) having sexual thoughts about and with him, even if he told me he was over what happened between us. Of course I said I was too, but that's just not true. I do not like him in a romantic way at all because he is an asshole and I don't see us together. But I find himvery attractive and, basically I want to have sex with him.

 

Just for the record, I don't think I'm asexual, but I took some quiz online and it said it's possible that I'm grey asexual or something (I'm sorry I'm just learning about all these terms). Maybe i like one guy just in a sexual way and the other one just in a romantic way. Maybe I'm grey sexual. Or maybe I'm just confused.

 

Thankfully, I found this forum because I don't know who to talk to and I don't know anyone that is asexual or someone who is in the lgbt+ community, but maybe someone here can tell me what's going on with me or what am i or whatever? thank you in advance ❤❤

 

 

[Lana Overland]

Well, if you feel ace then go ahead and use the term, you don't need anyone's permission but your own. And as for your relationship with the first guy, if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you without sex then it's not going to be a happy relationship, you should know that going in, and maybe you'll want to and maybe you won't, but compromising between your two desires and talking about how you feel is the only way to get a healthy relationship. As for the other guy, you're not obligated to have a relationship with anyone just because you feel sexual attraction for them, and if it comes up between you and the guy you like then you should just be honest and say that you don't want to be in a relationship with the other guy. What you truly feel isn't a bad thing, and I while I certainly wouldn't bring up the guy you are sexually attracted to because it isn't relevant to your relationship, your truth (that you don't really want this sexy guy) honestly isn't a bad thing. Attraction is not action.

 

Also, take your time with figuring out your identity. Make sure that you are defining your label and not letting one label define you. Gray is very useful term for this because it encompasses so many people's experiences while also helping describe what that experience is. Think about what you've felt in the past (with extra emphasis on the recent past) and do some research on terms in the ace umbrella, that can really help too. Most of all, good luck, I know it's hard to be unsure of what you are feeling and feeling like you should be feeling other things.

[binary suns]

I totally empathize with your story I feel like some of my history has been quite similar in fact.

 

I identify as grey-sexual, and to make a long story short I'll cover the main points that drew me to my conclusion:

 

1. I definitely do feel sexual attraction - there is a certain emotional feeling I get that is attraction to a person, which I can identify as different than other interests and affections towards people. Which, sometimes, leads to subtle levels of arousal - and there's been a small number of people who I was kissing with who I also was attracted in this way to, who my arousal experience became more intense? full? I'm uncomfortable denoting this "arousal" because it is subtler than what I get if I'm..welll.. masturbating That kind of arousal is very different - more intense - and I don't get it for anyone actually. What I do feel is much more soothing, calm, subtle, something I like to passively enjoy.

 

2) oh wait, that actually pretty much covered the three points I wanted to make xD lol. Oh! there is also - I just don't feel interested in sexual contact. I can enjoy some touches in the way I've mentioned, a subtle and passive sexual enjoyment of the sensuality. But I'd prefer to just stay to cuddling-level touching. I just don't desire sex, I don't have fantasies about anyone, and I feel distant and disinterested in sex acts.

 

So I feel that I am.. to a certain effect, I am asexual. but, to the experience of my "titillation" so to speak, I am partially sexual too. (not that I've ever heard anyone say "titillation" except once in a movie...)

 

 

I hear of asexuals who speak to their romantic experiences, and also both romantic and aromantic aces who speak to their interest in cuddling, etc. But, I feel as if they do not share the aspect of that which I do, which feels "sexual" but not full sexual to me.