Awren Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I am attending an annual work training and this year the focus is on diversity and inclusion. One of the things that came up in a video during yesterday's training is the idea that people who do not fit the "norm" (straight, cisgender, etc.), but hide it to conform can cause unintended harm to those who don't fit the norm, but can't hide it because the former have the chance to help make these things more normal and accepted. I am someone who is not out to very many people, just a few family members. This is mostly because I tend to be a fairly private person. People who know me know that I don't date, but I don't think they connect that to asexuality. To make things more complicated I told a few coworkers that I was straight a few years ago, before I discovered asexuality was an option. I understand that everyone needs to decide what is right for them and that some people are not in a place where it is safe to admit any deviation from the norm, but I wanted to find out peoples' thoughts on this subject. I am in a safe place. One of the higher ups often talks about what she and her wife are doing and I know of at least a few other gay and lesbians who are also out, but is there any point in coming out when I know I am never going to want to introduce a partner? Have any of you ever come out at work? If so, how did you handle it? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryan_ Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I don't think there's anything wrong with not being out. It's up to you to figure out to whom you want or don't want to be out, not someone else. Especially as an aro/ace, there really isn't a /huge/ need to be out. Again, it's up to you. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
borkfork Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 No. Only your partner(s) or potential partner(s) need to know. If you're aro then that's not going to be an issue anyway. Do what feels right to you, and don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel obligated. You don't owe anyone anything. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Karacoreable Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I wouldn't feel like it's an obligation. That just puts unnecessary pressure on you. Also I think if you did decide to come out, and your co-workers held it against you that you once said you were straight, well, that would be very unfair and probably unlikely. I mean, loads of people are 'in the closet' for years, so I think they'd just assume that you didn't want to tell them at the time, rather than anything else. Or you could explain that once you heard the word, you immediately made the connection to yourself, but it's a recent thing that you've found the label. They sound like a fairly open bunch. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 If you are in a situation where it is totally safe to come out, it would be a good deed to do so. I don't agree with the philosophy that no one owes anything to anyone else. I think people should strive to make a positive contribution to the world, and helping the asexual community gain visibility and acceptance is one way you have a clear opportunity to do that. It's your choice. Staying closeted is an acceptable choice as long as you aren't dating people you aren't out to, but coming out is a better choice. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scott1989 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I would agree that maybe not going out doesn't help with visability, but there will be reasons that those can hide not being cis hetro that would fully justify it. At the end of the day, as long as you are not deceiving anyone with your sexuality to take advantage, you should be free to not be out if you wish. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
To Each Their Own Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 As always, you do what you need to do. But i am out at work. For me it's important because I create visibility. It isn't about people knowing about me, per se. It's about people knowing that asexuals exist in the world. Im a very private person at work, as well. But then last year I heard a couple of the 30-something's mocking some non-binaries and how their pronouns were just plain ridiculous. Then it happened again. There was one openly transgender person working in our company. So then I thought, well now I'm going to come out!!! So now there are TWO openly transgender people working in our company and those 30-something kids now have to respect my "ridiculous" pronouns. Do i think they have stopped talking bad about transgender people? No. But they are more aware. And maybe, just maybe, I've created a space where someone else feels safe enough to come out. Who knows. Maybe by you coming out, someone will learn out asexuals for the first time. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Island-Of-Dogs Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 You don't owe anyone anything. If you had no desire to "come out" before seeing that video, then don't come out just because of it. You're sexuality is your business and your business alone. You should get to decide if you want more people to know, not be guilt-tripped into it. ( Of course if you desire a significant other then out of courtesy you should let them in on the know. And if applicable, medical personnel also.)) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Moonchaser Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I think that coming out in order to help others who are already out (whether by choice or not) would be very low on my list of reasons to do that. I don't consider it selfish at all to consider my own needs first. I've been trying to spread the word about Asexuality since i learned the term in 2009, in my small way. But I have not come out except to my spouse and my sister. I'm 60 years old and have a circle of friends and family who may or may not understand, after much explanation, because most are my age and like me had no exposure to the idea in the past. I came out on one closed group on FB, when the topic came up, and the response was so mixed, even from a group of people interested in Jung (which tends to be people who are somewhat open minded), that it gave me a taste of what i could expect if I came out to all my friends and family. It's neither necessary nor desirable to be for me to do so. The number one reason I think should be considered is whether it would improve one's own situation, and that's the only reason. I came out to my spouse in the hopes he would stop pressuring me for sex. Which he did, but it also raised other issues, and I actually had to come out to him twice because the first time he was in complete denial and didn't seem to let it even sink in. The easiest was with my sister, who was completely open, accepting, and loving about it. I'm very happy that I told her. But I'll be very selective about sharing in the future. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Awren Posted August 23, 2017 Author Share Posted August 23, 2017 Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. The discussion group that I was part of involved mostly cisgender straight people (based on what they told us during the discussion group), so I wanted to hear the opinions of others in a similar position. I sometimes think it would be good to come out just to raise awareness, but I am not sure that that is right for me. I like to see the different view points, as they add new information to my internal debate. For those who commented about telling my partners, I am an aro ace and have been on a grand total of three dates in my entire life, the last of which was at least five years ago, and might have been closer to 7 or 8. So partners are not a consideration in my decision. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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