Friend claims that she's demi, but I don't know why?

[butterscotchwm]

Hey friends~

 

So I decided to share this in the grey/demi category so that other grey/demi ppl could give their insight. I hope this isn't inappropriate.

 

I have this friend whom I've know for about 6 years now.  We were roommates for two years in college and she was one of the first ppl I came out to as ace.  And recently, well, she decided to come out to me as "demi."  Now I've done enough research to understand that a demisexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction or desire unless there is some kind of a strong emotional bond before hand.

 

 That being said, I've seen my "demi" friend lust over ppl she didn't even know.  She's lusted over male actors and such, but she's also done things like go out and have sex with ppl she just met on okcupid - BECAUSE she thought he was hot.  "If he's hot, why not?"  she would say.  Even in her more serious relationships, she's moved the relationship REALY fast and had sex with him very early on.  When she broke up with someone, she lamented about how she hadn't had sex in several months and she missed it.

 

About two months ago, I took her on a little tour of my work site and introduced her to my coworkers.  There was one co-worked in particular that I knew she would like, because he fit her "type," which is white, nerdy tall guy (with a bit of *cough* insecurity issues *cough*). And of course, I was right.  Later on, not only did she tell me she was into him, but bluntly stated, "I would suck his dick."  Granted, we had just come back from a party and we were a bit drunk.  But it felt pretty sincere.

 

So I guess what I'm getting at is, why would she want to identify herself as demi when she clearly experiences sexual attraction and desire outside of close bonds or relationships?  I don't want to be rude and "call her out" on not "really" being demi, so I've mostly just rolled it off my shoulder.  When I've brought up the subject of grey/demi intentities to her, she seemed a little under-researched.  She said to me, "I thought demi and grey were the same thing?"

 

This might seem rude, but part of me wonders if she believes she's demi/grey just bc she has a certain "type" of guy that she likes.  (Think Tom Holland in a sweater vest and glasses or something of that nature.). The other possibility I've thought of is that she *could* be grey/demi who's very sex favorable.. *shrug*

 

 But again, I never challenged her identity personally or expressed any kind of incredulity, even though I've remained privately confused about her situation.  I don't plan on bringing it up to her.  But I wanted to know what some of you guys think.  Has anyone else had a friend come out to you as ace/demi/grey after you came out to them?  And did they seem to genuinely identify as such in a way that made sense, or did you suspect they thought the idea of having this label was fun/cool and wanted to try it on?

[litanies]

I can't of course say definitively what your friend is or isn't, but as a demi person, I can't relate to her behaviour.  

 

That being said, people sometimes do things they don't really want to do.  I mean, it's a super long shot, but maybe she isn't actually into these guys she is loose with--she's been acting on social pressure or something.  Probably not though.  And I'm guessing you would know the difference if you know her well.

 

I did have a friend in college who was "asexual" for several months.  She was also "bisexual" for years, and she tried kinky on for size too.  She showed no evidence of being any of the above.  I don't know why people do this ... but they do sometimes :/

[quietcrayon]

Aces and Aros often get called 'special snowflakes' because most people assume they just wanna be special or different. Its a rude thing to say because obviously its an actual sexual(/romantic) orientation, but I did know one girl who did kinda seem like she just wanted to be different (in high school).

 

She was always kinda saying she was this or that, and she was one of those people who would like pretend to have depression, like go tell everyone she was depressed so everyone would feel sorry for her (I'm not just invalidating someones illness, she didn't ever suffer from depression). She was one of those fangirls who excessively shipped gay stuff, which is fine, but she only liked it because it was gay.

 

Eventually the topic of me being ace and aro came up and a little bit after she said she was too. She obsessed over boybands and in every way it seemed like she was het. 

 

I don't ever want to invalidate someones identity, so I never said anything, but yeah, theres people out there like that.

[Philip027]

Beats me.  I'd be calling bullshit on her, myself.  But in an attempt to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's sexual but demiromantic -- since you didn't say she said she was demisexual, specifically, and she could just simply not be fully aware of romantic orientations.

 

By the way, welcome back!  You're a face I haven't seen in a while

[Karacoreable]

Well that must be annoying. Especially if you've been faced with someone not believing you when you say you're ace. Because then you think that people who just like the label, but aren't really ace or whatever else, just make it easier for those people to justify that point of view. That 'asexual isn't real'. Having said that, I think it's well done not to bring that up with her, for a whole host of reasons. That's a can of worms if ever there was one.

[butterscotchwm]

Thanks for the good responses.  I didn't want to feel like I was being a bad friend or ally for doubting my friend's label.

 

Yeah, it is particularly insulting for someone like me, bc I had to deal with a lot of internal struggle for years on my asexuality, and then the ace community helped me a LOT to come to terms w who I am.  And then for someone to come along and be like "Huh... I have some friends who are ace... I wanna be ace too!"  It's like >.<. Ugh.  She never actually said that, but thats what it feels like.

 

It's also probably a whole host of things about her that may have given her the desire to put a label on herself?  Like litanes said, yeah, I think she's constantly being pressured in a number of ways.  She's always had insecurities about her weight and appearance, and has suffered from the mentality of, "If no one thinks I'm attractive then I must be worthless."  (This is a pretty common problem for women in general bc of the cultural narritives about women being passive objects, ect.).  So it's possible that she's had okcupid flings just to boost her self esteem and make herself feel wanted and desired. :\

 

There was also a point in time during her last serious relationship when she was having some severe medical problems that inhibited her libido, and she was working crazy hours late into the night, along w a terrible commute.  Her boyfriend was a entitled dickwad who complained about her not giving him enough sex and eventually dumped her for that reason.  >.<. (I hope I never see his ugly face again.)

 

So yeeaaahhh, there are a lot of weird complicated things that have gone on in her life and it's possible that she might want an ace label to try and like... validate it?  Even tho I don't think she's labeling herself correctly and I think there are better words to describe her experiences. *shrugs*

 

But again, I think this is something I should try to avoid.  She's a VERY very very sensitive person.  :|. Like, REALLY sensitive.  If I bring all these things up she could get emotional, defensive, ect.  I'm not gonna pick this battle lol.

 

[butterscotchwm]

13 hours ago, Philip027 said:

 

By the way, welcome back!  You're a face I haven't seen in a while

Hey thanks haha!  I feel bad, I don't recognize you, but we must have spoken at some point ;o;

[litanies]

4 hours ago, butterscotchwm said:

I'm not gonna pick this battle lol.

I wouldn't.  Frankly, if she isn't demi, she'll probably get over and forget all about it in a few months ... she'll find some new label to "try on", lol.