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Is my fiance asexual?


Clee08

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Hi, 

I'm very new to this and have never shared this information with anyone, but I've had questions about whether my fiance may be asexual for a while. I just don't know much about it so figured this may be the place to get more info. I have been with my fiance now for almost 3 years and have noticed he is a lot different than any other guy I have ever met. At first I thought that was a good thing because i have had experience with guys trying to force the sex issue. Now I am realizing that this may not necessarily be a good thing. My fiance claims to enjoy sex with me, but there just does not seem to be much intimacy or really much of interest for it. I have to initiate 99 percent of the time unless I bring it up and then he will for one time and then right back to me initiating. He told me he has never masturbated in his entire life. He just never felt the urge to. He doesn't enjoy porn at all. He never gets an erection in the morning. He doesn't really get aroused unless manually stimulated and it takes a lot longer than it should. Cialis has helped a bit but not always. He had a testosterone test recently and doctor said it was normal but I did some research and his level is normal for about a 45 year old, he is 28. He has had girlfriends before me but says he can count on one hand the times he has had sex before me and one of the women he was with for 4 years. He just wasn't that interested in it. It just starts to give me self esteem issues when I feel rejected a lot of the time. Any info or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and whether you think he could possibly be asexual or it could be a physical issue.

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Telecaster68

It might be testosterone, it might be asexuality.

 

It doesn't really matter, because even if it's testosterone, he's perfectly happy as he is, and (assuming you've talked to him about it), doesn't seem inclined/able to be more sexual.

 

Do you want you sexuality tied up with this guy for the rest of your life?

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We have talked about it a lot and that's why he went to get tested. I'm a nurse so I do a lot of research on specific levels per age group and it seems as if the doctor just took the lab value as normal not concerning age, so he kinda took his doctors word for it. I love him very much and the rest of the relationship is great. I just don't know what to do about that and if it is something I can deal with forever. He is willing to try testosterone after we have a child since it affects sperm count but the issues is if that may not be the problem then that's a little to late to do anything about it after married and have a child.

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Testosterone won't break a mental block.

 

Some psychotherapy couldn't hurt.

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Telecaster68
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a little to late to do anything about it after married and have a child.

Yep. 

 

The issue isn't really his ability to get it up, or even his innate spontaneous need for sex. It's whether he's willing to make any efforts right now to make you not feel rejected - because he's never going to have more motivation than he has now to do something about this, so if not now... when? The experience of many sexual partners on this site is that the answer is 'never'.

 

Is the rest of the relationship so good you can go without being desired, ever, for the rest of your life and be happy?

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That's funny you mention psychotherapy Because his urologist said the same thing since he also has a psychology background and at first I thought he was full of it. The more I think about it, it may be mental .

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5 minutes ago, Clee08 said:

That's funny you mention psychotherapy Because his urologist said the same thing since he also has a psychology background and at first I thought he was full of it. The more I think about it, it may be mental .

There are all kinds of complexes, phobias and sources of shame rolling around in a man's mind about which your fiancé can't talk, for the very reason that he loves you and doesn't want your rejection.

 

Your urologist would probably find it hard to believe that any man hasn't masturbated or looked at erotic pictures or video. As a guy I would find that hard to believe, too. There's no shame in the way one's body responds to stimuli, whether one is male, female or in between.

 

If he does choose therapy, don't invest yourself emotionally in a particular result. Let him go through the process, if he is up to it.

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It definitely came as a shock to me when he first told me, but the more i see the way he is, I know its true. He wont even touch himself at all. I am one of the most open people and I've told him that. Anything he's thinking or feeling he knows I wouldn't judge but I'm sure he still fears that and already has a hard time sharing feelings about anything, so yeah I'm guessing it may be easier to talk to a therapist.

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I wouldn't mind talking to him about guy stuff. I think I know what the issue is, but I'm not going to say it here.

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Is there a way to directly message on this site? If so can you message me? I would say you could talk to him but he doesn't know I've talked about this to anyone. 

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12 hours ago, Clee08 said:

Hi, 

I'm very new to this and have never shared this information with anyone, but I've had questions about whether my fiance may be asexual for a while. I just don't know much about it so figured this may be the place to get more info. I have been with my fiance now for almost 3 years and have noticed he is a lot different than any other guy I have ever met. At first I thought that was a good thing because i have had experience with guys trying to force the sex issue. Now I am realizing that this may not necessarily be a good thing. My fiance claims to enjoy sex with me, but there just does not seem to be much intimacy or really much of interest for it. I have to initiate 99 percent of the time unless I bring it up and then he will for one time and then right back to me initiating. He told me he has never masturbated in his entire life. He just never felt the urge to. He doesn't enjoy porn at all. He never gets an erection in the morning. He doesn't really get aroused unless manually stimulated and it takes a lot longer than it should. Cialis has helped a bit but not always. He had a testosterone test recently and doctor said it was normal but I did some research and his level is normal for about a 45 year old, he is 28. He has had girlfriends before me but says he can count on one hand the times he has had sex before me and one of the women he was with for 4 years. He just wasn't that interested in it. It just starts to give me self esteem issues when I feel rejected a lot of the time. Any info or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and whether you think he could possibly be asexual or it could be a physical issue.

He does sound asexual or very low libido and interest in sex. If he really is asexual, then you have to understand that there is no way to make him sexual ever. Perhaps you can shift your/his mindset about sex and intimacy and showing physical love. Perhaps he can enjoy it and enjoy making you have a 'happy time'. But if the inner drive towards sex with you isnt there, you will once in a while feel rejected and not wanted. He will feel some of this as a chore or a burden. 

 

I am also free for personal messages and I am also sexual with an asexual partner. 

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We really can't tell anyone whether they are asexual, since we don't know them, and it's even more inappropriate to do so when they're describing someone else.  However, you say he has had relationships before and during those relationships had sex very infrequently (if at all).  That, plus everything else you've said, sounds like he simply has no interest whatsoever in having sex.   He's way past the age of not really knowing what he wants/doesn't want, and thus it may be unlikely that any psychological counseling would have any effect.

 

Please think very carefully whether you want to spend your life with someone who has such a radically different attitude toward sex than you.  And having a child with him could be very unwise; children just complicate already difficult situations.  

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Hello, Clee08.

Does your fiancé see his low libido as a problem? If he doesn’t, you can pretty much run a medical and social campaign for sex, but you’d be in it alone.

Did you talk things out with him? Did you explain your position (needs and self-esteem problems) and listen to his? For some people mixed relationships (between sexuals and asexuals) can be great, but this requires a lot of respect to each other’s desires and borders.

I’m a sexual woman in a relationship with an asexual man. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more personal stuff or know how we make it work.

Best wishes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Clee08, 

Your description of your fiance is so much like my bf I almost dropped my phone. He, too, is in his late 20s, has never masturbated, doesnt want sex, doesnt enjoy porn. We had sex in the beginning of our relationship but rarely and only under certain conditions. 

 

I think he has some repressed issues surrounding cleanliness ( he is a germaphobe) and sex. 

 

I love him but am not sure that my need for sex (not often!) will eventually become an issue for me. Currently we kiss and cuddle but that's it for the past year.

 

 

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