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Gleep

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Asexual husband. I'm demi-bi. We're a poly triad with my lady love as well. Been together 12 years. Not going anywhere. We're as stable as a rock. He's my joy, my shelter, my companion... except...

 

I can't help but take him taking absolutely NO interest whatsoever as personal. I get in my cycles of depression where I want him, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I can ever do, say, think, etc. will EVER make me desirable to him. And that stings. He's the center of my universe, and in some ways, I am his. But that emotional, physical connection... even when I can get him to "play" it's rarely more than just play. I rarely ever get the emotional intimacy that I need. We've had the same old fight a million times and I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to fight. But I get so far down, that even just cuddling at night, all I can do is cry. All I have going through my head is I'm The Anti-Sexy. The epitome of undesirableness. When it's four months with nothing more than a quick peck in passing... I get to the point where I feel like I make a great mom, a spectacular housekeeper, cook, maid, and I'm his best buddy to do all his hobbies with... but it really doesn't matter what kind of plumbing I've got. When I try to explain that I need intimacy, I need that connection at least a little bit, he's after me to tell him EXACTLY what I need. I can't do that. I don't know anything more to say what I need. I'm just fighting off another one of my depressed spells and I know damn good and well that nothing will ever change except he'll drift away more and more. Wish I could just turn it off in my own head and be done.

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I'm not exactly sure how to help you here.... but I can say that if someone is sex repulsed, that's more of a thing that results mostly on like an instinct in a way. It kind of works sort of like that. His lack of desire for that stuff it isn't a denotation that he doesn't find you attractive enough or anything like that... it's more the action itself. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you, nor is it even a signifier of that. Obviously I wouldn't know anything about this 100% cuz like I'm 19, I've never been married before. What I can say though from the perspective of someone who is ace (I mean, I'm sex indifferent, but it leans on the side of sex repulsed more) I can say with strong conviction that his lack of interest in that form of intimacy has nothing to do with you, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or anything.

 

I'm not 100% sure on what to tell you, other than to bring up a conversation about it with him. Tell him how it makes you feel. If you can... make a compromise. And if you can't... then I don't know what to tell you there. Sorry this is bothering you, I hope you can come to some sort of conclusion to the issue which can appease you both. Cheers.

 

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I'm 40. He's 45. This is a very old and long standing issue. We've talked and talked and talked and talked. We had had an understanding of "once a month" but that got thrown out and it's been ... since sometime early February. He stuck his foot in his mouth in June and hasn't tried anything since. We tried talking on Friday but it got to the point of "I don't care whether it's sex or not, I just need the intimacy" and he's going on about how that doesn't mean anything. He needs me to tell him EXACTLY down to the letter what I need. I'm giving him everything I've got, I need intimacy, I need closeness, I need to feel him, and that apparently isn't descriptive enough. I got mad and blew up that I don't know exact milligrams of exactly which hormones I need released in my brain, and quantifying it doesn't help. It doesn't change the fact how I feel.

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I'm so sorry this feels so awful for you. It sounds very hard, living in a way that makes you feel undesirable. And on the one hand, you're right when you say your 'plumbing' doesn't matter...to him, it doesn't. But despite that...you do. Your personality, your thoughts, these things matter to him, even though physical intimacy doesn't. So there's something...he picked you to be with, not anyone else, so you're clearly attractive to him in some way, just not sexually.

 

If it's not necessarily sex that you find yourself needing, but instead a broader sense of emotional intimacy, you may find that he'd be very happy to provide that...if he only knew what to do. His asking you to tell him what you need would suggest as much. You mention that you'll go months without more than 'a quick peck in passing'. To me, that says that one of of the things you want is to feel like his displays of affection are more than just actions taken to appease you...you want to feel the emotion behind it. You could say to him that the things you need aren't actually specific actions...its the feeling of being cared about. Little kisses are nice, but not when they feel like a task on a checklist. You could ask him to contemplate the feelings he has for you emotionally, and give you kisses not because you want them, but because he wants to show he cares. Its a small verbal distinction but a very big emotional one. 

 

I'm not sure how to explain without examples, so I'm going to use my own relationship with my mother, who I live with. Now, we aren't romantic obviously, but we DO love each other a great deal, and we both do things we know the other likes not because we know THEY want them, but because we're excited to see the joy on their face when they see what we've done. We both say 'I love you' not just when parting ways, but also randomly, simply because we wanted to see the other smile. We make gestures like buying small gifts (like snacks or dollar store items) of stuff we know the other likes, because thinking of the excitement the other will have makes us excited. We hug and hold hands and come up behind each other to kiss each other's cheek just for the delight of causing them delight. 

 

Perhaps you could show your husband this post...or try explaining to him that what you need is not necessarily specific actions at specific times, but rather a sense that he's excited to see you smile, and wants to show his love in little unprovoked ways. There are a lot of ways to show show care that don't require sex, so unless he's completely touch averse, it shouldn't be a problem for him to do some little spontaneous things to show he cares. You could try doing little things as well, to keep the thought in his mind. If he needs a list of appropriate actions, you could suggest things like coming up behind you and giving you a hug and a kiss on the neck, saying 'Hey! I love you!' randomly throughout the day with real emotion behind it, randomly buying that chocolate bar you like or an inexpensive trinket that has meaning to you and presenting it to you when either you or he gets home. 

 

It can be very exciting to live in a relationship where both partners randomly surprise each other with little signs of affection for no reason other than to see that partner smile. 

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I'd never in a million years let him know that this place existed. Think about what it would do to his self esteem that I complained to strangers about our marriage? But that anonymity is exactly what is required in this instance because I can't talk about it to anybody who knows him. That's just wrong. He isn't any less of a man because he finds his wife undesirable.

And I'll get angry. He's a massive cuddlebug and I'll get a whiff of his skin, or his hair or he'll make a stupid joke and I want him... and no. He absolutely must have skin to skin contact at night, and we're holding each other almost all night. But anything beyond that is Not Interesting. No thank you. or "*sigh* Do you really have to have me involved? I'm not interested" or something along those lines. We touch. We're both touchy feely kind of people, but it's the kind of touch you'd do in front of the kids. My love language doesn't include gifts. It's touch and words and time.

 

From all outside eyes, you'd think we were just very very private about public affection. He's my "sexy man" We STILL to this day message each other back and forth just randomly throughout the day of "Loves you" But it's the stuff you'd do in front of the kids. It's what you do in front of parents. It never goes beyond what you do in front of other people. Quick pecks, holding hands, hand resting on arm just idly petting,

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Telecaster68

Gleep...

 

I'm in roughly the same position as you. I get it. If I have to give Ikea-style insert-tab-a-into-slot-b directions (which is what I'm guessing is involved), there is no excitement, no desire, no feeling of closeness. It's about as erotic as giving someone driving directions.

 

He's not going to change after 12 years, and really, you're better off just not expecting it from it, and looking to your lady love for that kind of physical intimacy. He will never get it.

 

Sorry if that seems brusque, but what you're after (and most sexuals, including me) is sex as a positive, bonding, intimate, sharing thing. And while asexuals can understand that intellectually, and some can go through the mechanical motions, you're never going to get the intimacy, because they simply don't see sex as pleasurably intimate. All you can do is try to get zen about it (and believe I know how hard that is, like you're letting a vital piece of you wither and die).

 

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I was actually better about letting that just die before she came along. I was resigned to the fact I was about as far from desirable as it gets and that didn't exist in my world any more. And then she comes along, she's got a drive similar to mine before it was squashed and ... It's like wanting steak and getting pasta. I LOVE pasta. Don't get me wrong. But eventually all the pasta in heaven, hell, and everything in between, made by baby jebus himself ain't gonna cut it. Desire doesn't get shifted from one to the other. It doesn't work that way. It's not the physical sex that's the issue here. It's the lack of intimacy. And I'm talking myself in circles again.

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Telecaster68

Here's a painfully hard learned truth.

 

You. Are. Not. Going. To. Get. That. Kind. Of. Intimacy. From. Your. Husband.

 

It's horrible, but not as bad as continually setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

lucy-football.jpg

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I know. And you're absolutely 100% right. Completely and totally. Just every once in a while it really really hurts.

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Telecaster68

Yeah, mostly it's cope-able with, but sometimes it's like a wave of grief (which is pretty much what it is).

 

Get yourself some pasta ;)

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BobRossRules

I'm in my mid 40s and have been divorced twice.  Both times married to a sexual person.  I'm sex repulsed and I'm not comfortable with intimacy.  I'm comfortable with stuff that people would do in front of kids, but that's pretty much my limit.  I didn't discover asexuality until after my second divorce.  As much as I wanted to provide that intimacy to my husband, it was awkward and uncomfortable, and I felt "ingenuine" when I was providing it to him.  When we would discuss (or fight) about our lack of intimacy, I made promises that I couldn't keep.  Like your husband, I needed a blue print and step-by-step instruction as to what he wanted at that moment.  As much as it would have made his world, I couldn't be spontaneous nor initiate any kind of intimate act.  As much as I loved him, I just couldn't do it.  I provided hugs, hand-holding, kiddie kisses, and often said I loved him.  That was as much as I was comfortable with.  Eventhough I have the ability to perform certain intimate acts, something would stop me and I ended up avoiding it or making excuses.  There was a part of me that believed that if I did something just to please him (all while it being very uncomfortable for me) then he would expect it more.  Selfish?  In the end it cost us our marriage.  

 

I'm not sure if knowing about asexuality would have made a difference.  However, discovering AVEN and learning about asexuality has improved my emotional well-being beyond comprehension.  Before I thought there was something wrong with me.  How could I be so cruel to the man I loved?  I don't think our sex life would have changed, but I would have felt better about myself....maybe.        

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I'm glad to have you here. And I know I'm being selfish. I know I should be happy and satisfied. I'm loved. We get along like a house on fire.. share a million hobbies and interests, etc.

 

But I know that there's sometimes I want to hurt him back for the continual rejection I feel. I want to turn away. I want to cut him off from the intimacy he craves and needs. And then I realize I'd just be hurting myself that much worse and get depressed and start crying again. Sometimes I think it's really not fair to either of us that we fell in love. That he needs another ace. That I'm too demanding and anyway I keep on being attracted to men who are just not interested in me... after four long relationships and two marriages, eventually you believe they might just be right.

 

I don't want to fight. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to get into the same stupid argument where we both end up crying and frustrated and miserable and putting another meaningless crack in a good relationship because I want too much. Eventually we have to get to the point where we see that we're both right for our own bodies without validation from the other.

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Telecaster68

You're not being selfish, at all. It's perfectly normal to want and expect your partner to express intimacy and love as 99% of the world's population does, and naturally when that doesn't happen, it turns your understanding of your relationship upside down. It's pretty much the same as if your husband had come out as gay, for all intents and purposes.

 

I don't buy this societal line that nobody should need anyone else's validation or approval. Humans are social animals; it seems that was a big evolutionary advantage, and social groupings work by approval and disapproval. And what's the point of a partner if their approval and care means nothing to you? 

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All the pretty lies we try to tell ourselves to make it okay. To accept. To understand. "No, it's not just me, it's everyone" ... except when things were new and fun and interesting.... when the girlfriend was just a girlfriend....

 

*sighs* It's trying to learn to cope. To accept.

 

 

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In my relationship, we try to build a new habit of moré intimacy, like going back to simple goodnigth-kisses and holding hands when we walk. This migth turn out as something fantastic. When we do that, I feel remembered and chosen,and not rejected. I would like more sex, but the daily dosis of intimacy is better.

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When the blue prints are too complex it makes everything worse. As we don't experience or feel what you folks experience or feel it always leave us, aces, wondering if we're doing it right and give you what you desire or want.

 

I don't know for my other fellow aces but for me, making out (french kissing) is just putting my tongue in someone else mouth and having someone else tongue entering my mouth for doing weird stuff. The only emotion I get is wondering if she had recently eaten cheese as I'm alergic to cheese. And that's just making out, imagine how it's for us about all the other, more intimate stuff.

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does this person that you care about know know that for you "The first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club"? have you asked him to just try making mistakes? are you able to put your frustration with him and your frustration with yourself into two different bottles? best of luck.

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I'm Ace married to a sexual, but since I came out to him and let him know I'm done with sex (after decades of compromising), there is little contact, because he mostly considers physical affection to be foreplay. But I find that if I tell him I really need a hug, he's ready to comply. I have to be very up front about it though, and just say flat out, I need this! Not in a demanding, I'm leaving if I don't get it way, but just to let him know. He's usually fine with that, and if I complain about a pain (I have fibromyalgia) he will many times offer a massage. So no, I don't really get enough cuddling, but I have found that if I'm desperate, I can get it. Just an idea.

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jay williams

@Gleep,

<<"Asexual husband. I'm demi-bi. We're a poly triad with my lady love as well.">>

 

If I were your husband, I (possibly) would assume, expect that your lady love provides you with intimate and sexual needs. I mean, on the surface, you have what many people would die for. Two lovers, especially if each lover is content with loving you in their own unique way.

Not trying to be a wise-acre here, (and I know I am assuming lots I don't know) but you seem to have it all...and more. Yet you are discontented. 

 

 

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Sexual desire doesn't transfer between people. Especially for demis. My connection to her is something completely and totally different than my connection to him. What I get from her emotionally is again, completely different than what he gives me.

 

She's my companion, my partner in crime, my equal, my beautiful lady love. She's in the middle of all of my mischief. But she's also a follower type person. she won't take the initiative to solve problems. I am a leader/teacher type and it is extremely hard for me to release control and not give direction, especially since I'm her first female and she's asking for help in what to do.

 

He's my sanctuary, my refuge, my strength, my rock, my joy. Either one of us can easily take the reins and lead in any situation and it's perfectly fine. He doesn't need me to tell him what to do every step of the way (and there'd be a fight if I tried). So I can just relax. My attraction to and what I get from them both is completely and totally different. They're different people. While I can't imagine life without either of them, and she's where I get my refill of passion from, it is intimacy I'm asking from him that I still need. To not keep me at arm's length.

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Telecaster68
Quote

your lady love provides you with intimate and sexual needs

*adds 'sexual people are not vending machines' post to What Sexuals Are Really Thinking*

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jay williams

 @Telecaster68,

I confess that I am unclear as to the meaning of your post. One could easily say: Asexual people are not vending machines. Maybe we could say that people are not vending machines?

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Telecaster68

We could.

 

My point was that it's not about 'providing' someone. It's an experience that two (or more) people share.

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although that misunderstanding here could be a misunderstanding there

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jay williams
1 hour ago, gisiebob said:

although that misunderstanding here could be a misunderstanding there

...or be misunderestimated.

:-)

See Geo W. Bush

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Gleep, 

 

I'm a sexual poly person with an ace/demi bf and a hyposexual gf. I have a couple of questions/comments. 

 

1) Is it possible for him to hold you while you masturbate? This was a solution proposed by my bf when we were beginning our relationship and I was crawling out of my skin with desire for sexual intimacy with him. Being able to orgasm with his body against mine, and knowing he felt comfortable with it and closer to me for it, was huge for me in assurance that we could make this work. Now, your husband might not be *as* comfortable, but perhaps he'd be open to it, since he's asking you what you need? 

 

2) Personally I think it's asking a lot that he needs skin-to-skin contact on a daily basis when that's something that puts you in such a state of frustration and rejection. At those times I think it's fair to say "Hey, my desire for you is acting up and this is tough for me right now. Mind if I put some clothes on and/or sleep on the couch tonight?" I wouldn't want it to cause a fissure in your relationship, but I would find that level of physical contact without any sexual intimacy whatsoever hard to deal with.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings, and I'm happy you are otherwise satisfied in your loving and stable relationships. Best of luck! 

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