Limits of Asexuality

[Purple_Panda]

I'm still trying to understand the limits of Asexuality. I've looked at the FAQ here and it says that I can have kids, want to get married, be a virgin, and all that, and still be asexual. However, in my head, those things feel like they have to be separate, like I can't want those things if I identify as asexual. 

 

I can also watch/talk about/write love scenes with no problem. I just feel no need to hurry up and have sex to say I did. I think I'd be fine if I never have sex. When I think of having a relationship, I tend to think about the romantic parts, I think. I actually worry about having sex (due to disability). 

 

But I also have several celebrities that I love to watch in movies and that kind of thing. I can appreciate how they look but I think I tend to like them for their personalities more. 

 

I'm a little confused. Can anyone please explain/quell my fears a little? I think this is why I'm still wondering if I'm at least GrayA, not including the times in the past I've wondered about my sexuality and gender only to go back to thinking I'm straight. 

 

I hope this makes a bit of sense. Thank you all in advance!

[Jea]

This makes a lot of sense, it is a confusing question. There are several points I would like to make in response.

 

The first thing is that sexual orientation is not about behaviour, but about attraction. For instance, a person who is gay may still have sex with someone of the opposite gender, for instance if they live in a time or place where being gay is condemnable by law. It's the same with being asexual, if you do not feel sexual attraction, you are asexual. If you want children, then you will want to have sex, but not for its own sake, so you are still asexual.

 

The second thing is that sexual and romantic attraction are two different things. Which means that you can desire to marry, kiss a person, hold hands, all these romantic parts of a relationship. If that is the case, then you are a romantic asexual.

 

Finally, from what you describe here, you sound asexual to me. But only you can decide whether to use that label or not. Using that label does in no way mean that you are not allowed to want certain things in a relationship; it simply means that you generally do not desire sex for its own sake.

 

I hope that's helpful, feel free to ask more questions

[Purple_Panda]

Thank you, Findus. Is it still okay that I'm not 100% sure yet?

[Planet Ace]

Of course! This stuff can be very complicated and to difficult to figure out, it may take a long time before you're 100% sure of anything. And that's OK, take all the time you need. There's no deadline that you must have everything figured out by. 

[deltaX]

There really aren't any limits to asexuality besides having a lack of sexual attraction.  Your behaviour around sex and relationships might be influenced by your sexuality, but nobody is restricted in what they can or can't do just because they're asexual.

 

It's okay if it's all still a bit confusing and take some time to figure out.  Asexuality can be complicated, so it's perfectly fair to take some time to think about it rather just rushing to slap a label on yourself.

[Purple_Panda]

Planet Ace, 

 

Thank you. My thing is that I don't want to spend my whole life wondering about my sexuality or gender. 

[Purple_Panda]

deltaX, 

 

Thank you. Part of it is that I've told people I think something only to have them say I'm not, and explain it as something else. Then I'll go back to believing I'm straight, only for the same thing to happen down the road but with a different label. It's why I'm not telling anyone I've been wondering if I'm on the asexual spectrum for at least a few weeks now (I won't even tell my counselor). I don't want them to influence me but I still needed to talk to someone. Figuring it out on my own is too much to handle. 

[Eziio]

You could be on the asexual spectrum or possibly straight with a low libido.

Just don't forget that asexuality is only the abscence of sexual attraction so it might impact actions but there's no action that would make someone not asexual,just purely depends on attraction lol

[Purple_Panda]

Eziio, 

 

Thank you. 

[Yep, me]

My personal limits are slightly romantic relationships,(slightly) cats, and cake.

[Kai99]

In my opinion, the only thing that is not asexual is desiring partnered sexual contact, which is not the same as having sex to please your partner. Sexuals are diverse, just like asexuals, and they aren't all turned on by appearances. Some people desire partnered sexual contact only during fetish play, some people need a certain romantic mood, others desire it very little, but still want it. The difference is they all want some form of partnered sexual activity. Asexuals don't.

[Purple_Panda]

Kai99, 

 

That makes sense. Thank you. 

[Moonchaser]

3 hours ago, deltaX said:

There really aren't any limits to asexuality besides having a lack of sexual attraction.  Your behaviour around sex and relationships might be influenced by your sexuality, but nobody is restricted in what they can or can't do just because they're asexual.

 

It's okay if it's all still a bit confusing and take some time to figure out.  Asexuality can be complicated, so it's perfectly fair to take some time to think about it rather just rushing to slap a label on yourself.

Or as not having a desire to have sex. That's kind of my bottom line. And yet there are grays and demis, so even that is not necessarily a dead on limit.

 

It still confuses me a bit sometimes, and I'm getting pretty old now, but then life was much more confusing before I knew asexuality had a name and was something others experienced. I think it's perfectly okay to not be sure where you stand, it's even perfectly okay to never know for sure.

 

The whole point, in my view, of even attempting to define asexuality, is to help us better express ourselves to ourselves. With anyone else, the only responsibility is to put limits that make sense to us on our relationships, and having been in a very long term relationship, I can say that those can change over time as well. In fact each person and each relationship is continually redefining itself.

[Purple_Panda]

Moonchaser, 

 

Thank you. I'm a little worried that if I never figure it out, it will make potential future relationships hard. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

And I believe that self-identification is most important. It's obvious for me that asexuality should include people who can't even figure out whether they feel sexual attraction, but just know that they simply aren't into "the sex thing". I'd also gladly include people who feel sexual attraction and sex-repulsion at the same time, if they wish to identify as asexual and feel that it influences their self-esteem positively. I'm against identity policing. Asexuality could be a haven for all who fell out of place in the hypersexualized culture, not just a box for those who meet the strictest definition.

[StrangerThing]

I understand your confusion.  I've been struggling with it myself.  I think it's easy to describe what you feel, but difficult to pin down the absence of a feeling.  Even if you don't figure it out or you change your mind, it's okay.  You're a person and your feelings are valid.  

[JessiBird]

9 minutes ago, StrangerThing said:

I understand your confusion.  I've been struggling with it myself.  I think it's easy to describe what you feel, but difficult to pin down the absence of a feeling.  Even if you don't figure it out or you change your mind, it's okay.  You're a person and your feelings are valid.  

Pretty sure this is also my biggest issue with trying to pin down an identity. It's like saying, well, I must be happy because I'm not feeling angry. It might be true, it might not, which makes all this very confusing.

 

Also, if you never figure it out, it might make future relationships more difficult to understand, but by no means let it stop you from entering a relationship if you want to. Even if you're not sure, things will happen that will make it more clear. However you define yourself is the most important thing, because usually it helps you to understand yourself. Take all the time you need, even if you're never 100% sure, that's still ok. You can define yourself however you want, whenever you want.

[cinary]

Well I myself don't have any problem with reading sex scenes, even like it if it's well written ;). I just don't want to have sex myself, but I like sex as a concept and find it interesting. You even can have kinks and still be asexual. And there's nothing wrong with wanting a romatinc or platonic relationship, having children and being married. It have nothing to do with sexuality.

 

It's okay if you are not sure or it's taking a lot of time for you to figure yourself out. I took me about 2 years since I found asexuality to start identifying as such. So it can take a lot of time, but you'll find your answer eventually, don't worry  I don't know if I can help, but you can always write to me if you have questions or just want to talk with someone who understands 

[Purple_Panda]

Thank you all.