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I'd like to talk about my lowest point ... I need some comfort.


sujinah

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I am a sex repulsed asexual, might be aromantic. Which is cool I guess but my life long wish has always been to be a mother. Adopting as a single mother seemed like the only likely outcome which I'm okay with, but I've been so desperate lately, I kind of wanted to have kids now. Adopting cannot happen any time soon. So anyway I go on Craigslist for fun at first (laugh at desperate people) but then I saw this ad from this very vegan-all-natural dude who wanted to have like six kids, and raise them to be sort of free range. I'm not vegan or super eco-friendly but when it comes to parenting, I believe in putting the child's needs first and raising them in love and we believed in the exact same things which is incredibly rare. So anyway we clicked, he's really nice. But he's obviously not ace. In fact, he's very much into sex and romance. So you know what I just did just now? It's 2 AM and I just came home from almost having sex with a stranger I met three hours ago on Craigslist. I wanted to "force myself" into being used to sex, maybe like it who knows. All of this just so I could be desirable to the vegan guy. The stranger was a really nice dude. But then when it came time to do it, I started panicking. I started wheezing (my throat is now dry) and I wanted to faint. He wanted to get to his friend's house to get a bus pass and go to my house. While he was gone, I started running. Running like a mad woman to a bus stop further away (I was far from home). The bus took so long to arrive that he saw me. I was terrified but I told him frankly. I don't want to do this. Thank god he was nice and not some crazy dude with a knife. But still. I feel so ashamed. Despite living in a big city and being guaranteed to never see him ever, I'm still so self-conscious that I'm thinking of moving to another country ... 

 

I'm so ashamed guys. I feel disgusting in my skin right now. All of this because I want that one guy who is just so "perfect" to fully like me. I hate being asexual. I really fucking hate it. 

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Oof, sounds like you had a pretty bad panic attack 😨. I obviously can't understand your pain, but I'm sorry you had to go through that all the same 😔. Hopefully you're calming down a little right now. Take some deep breaths and try to steady your nerves for now. That sort of panic is pretty understandable though; you were in a very unfamiliar situation and had pretty much backed yourself into a corner so it's only natural that you'd have an acute reaction.

 

I don't want to chastise you but try to be a little more wary about your personal well being; as you noted, stars forbid, you may have ended up on the front of tomorrow's news 😰.

 

Regardless, being ace is rough sometimes; romantic aces have to deal with the sad reality that sex is a big part of traditional romance. That being said, please don't feel like it's hopeless or that you need to sacrifice your own feelings. As naive as it sounds, it's possible to make things work without pushing yourself to make uncomfortable compromises. And besides, just from a common sense standpoint (I got no actual experience 😅), sex just doesn't work if one person is anxious or uncomfortable. Forcing the issue will just cause any sort of activity to be stressful and unbearable. Even though it's difficult not to be despondent over the whole affair, try to pick yourself up when you're ready. Until then, relax, and try to get some sleep 😌😴. You'll feel a lot better come morning. Hopefully you'll be greeted with some encouraging posts too when you wake up 🙂.

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Nea Rose Symphony

Yeah I'd recommend being more wary of those online. Like you say, never know who will be one of those crazies who doesn't know the meaning of consent or those who have a knife. Based on personal experience, if you don't think you'd enjoy it before even trying, you won't enjoy it when it is happening

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I agree with the above. There are sick a**holes out there who are GOING TO HURT you if you are not careful. Sorry if I seem harsh, but sometimes those who love you the most give you tough love. It just means we love you as family. ;)

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@sujinah I'm glad to hear you're okay. I would actually just completely avoid developing close ties to sexual males if I were you. I try to keep things really light with my male co-workers, for instance. I learned a lesson after exchanging phone numbers with one of them and then having to deal with him getting super weird toward me.

 

Craigslist is pretty notorious among the sites people use to look for people to hook-up with. Not really a great place to be for an asexual.

 

If you want to find someone to be in a relationship with, there's always http://www.ace-book.net/ or you could use OkCupid and then just set your profile to only be visible to other asexuals.

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Apathetic Echidna
On 22/08/2017 at 3:39 PM, sujinah said:

my life long wish has always been to be a mother. Adopting as a single mother seemed like the only likely outcome which I'm okay with, but I've been so desperate lately, I kind of wanted to have kids now. Adopting cannot happen any time soon.

You say this. My understanding is wanting kids now, yet you cannot adopt soon, and the meeting was about pregnancy. So I guess I am assuming you have the capacity to care for a baby or child (space/finances/etc) but adoption is a long process? 

Fostering is always an option. More emergency and crisis fostering houses are generally needed in every part of the world. You may get children with serious issues, you may get babies who were abandoned or you may get normal kids who's parents didn't collect them from school in time. You don't need sex to be a mother. 

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