Is it selfish for me to want a relationship?

[Urchin]

I saw another thread with a similar question but my situation is quite different. 

 

I believe I am somewhere in the aromantic and asexual spectrum. I also want a relationship in the future. I am touch averse (well not with mothers funnily enough) to the point that I sometimes want people about a metre away. It changes a lot depending on how I feel so sometimes I'm quite the opposite and don't mind physical contact at all. However that hasn't happened for quite some time so I'm unsure if I'll ever flip back. 

 

Not only am I touch averse I am also on the autistic spectrum, chronically ill and somewhat repulsed by the idea of sex. 

 

All these things mean being in a relationship with me would be very emotionally draining and maybe even frustrating at times. I feel like anyone who would be with me would feel insecure because of my orientation and wonder if they did something wrong. At the same time they would have to deal with multiple misunderstandings caused by my autism and dealing with the difficulties caused by my mental and physical illnesses.  When you add the touch aversion to the equation having a relationship with me would probably not feel very rewarding most likely*. 

 

So what I'm wondering is, am I selfish for wanting a relationship with someone, despite knowing about the many downsides that would come with it? 

 

* My friends and family often complain about me not being available (often because I'm sick or anxious) and not being able to be physically near me or touch me. I'm made to feel pretty bad about it tbh. 

[Lucas Monteiro]

I do not think you're selfish about wanting a relationship, I believe that one of the things I like most about humans is their complexities and difficulties. You should not blame yourself for being who you are, if you can not change who you are, what you can do other than accept yourself as you are ?

 

If the person who ends up liking you, really love you, she will not focus on your problems, but on the good sides of you. I see thousands of people who did not even deserve to be in relationships, and you're saying you do not deserve it? Something is wrong here, is not ? I hope you can find someone who accepts who you really are, who despite all the problems, seems to be an incredible human being.

[argar]

In my opinion, every relationship has a certain level of selfishness.

 

The minute you want someone in your life, to the exclusion of that person in others lives, you are dealing with selfishness.

 

Not that I am saying that is necessarily a bad thing.

 

Wanting someone in your life that makes you feel good and is a positive force in your life, and vice versa, isn't a bad thing.

 

Now I would be totally honest with the person of all your particular hang-ups, but if they decide to want something with you, that is there responsibility.

 

Just as it would be your responsibility to let them go if they chose to leave.

 

If you want someone special in your life, take a chance, if it doesn't work out it will suck, but you will at the very least learn something you didn't know before.

 

I hope some of this helps.

 

Have a beautiful night.

 

 

 

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

4 hours ago, Urchin said:

I saw another thread with a similar question but my situation is quite different. 

 

I am a Quoiromantic Asexual. I also want a relationship in the future. I am touch averse (well not with mothers funnily enough) to the point that I sometimes want people about a metre away. It changes a lot depending on how I feel so sometimes I'm quite the opposite and don't mind physical contact at all. However that hasn't happened for quite some time so I'm unsure if I'll ever flip back. 

 

Not only am I touch averse I am also on the autistic spectrum, chronically ill and somewhat repulsed by the idea of sex. 

 

All these things mean being in a relationship with me would be very emotionally draining and maybe even frustrating at times. I feel like anyone who would be with me would feel insecure because of my orientation and wonder if they did something wrong. At the same time they would have to deal with multiple misunderstandings caused by my autism and dealing with the difficulties caused by my mental and physical illnesse.  When you add the touch aversion to the equation having a relationship with me would probably not feel very rewarding most likely*. 

 

So what I'm wondering is, am I selfish for wanting a relationship with someone, despite knowing about the many downsides that would come with it? 

 

* My friends and family often complain about me not being available (often because I'm sick or anxious) and not being able to be physically near me or touch me. I'm made to feel pretty bad about it tbh. 

No, it's not selfish. You want some sort of connection to another person, to have someone significant in your life. Relationships come in all types. Being ace, quoiromantic, touch averse, and experiencing ASD, chronic illness, and anxiety don't mean you aren't allowed to want relationships and can't have them. 

 

And all of us come with our own history, baggage, and special traits that make us challenging at times to be in a relationship with.  Sometimes those challenges can be greater, but a lot of that depends on the partner too. Some traits just aren't as challenging to some people. 

 

Have you ever thought of seeking professional help for some of those things, like anxiety and managing chronic illness? Anxiety can be better managed and/or treated, and sometimes the same with chronic illness. Anyway, that's one option. The next is seeking out relationships that are most likely to work for you, such as queer platonic or quasiplatonic? 

 

Your neurodivergence is totally fine and nothing you need to change. You don't have to, but some people with ASD decide to learn more about social communication to help develop and maintain relationships with others (And of course, this should go both ways, that neurotypical people in your life should learn your ways of thinking and relating to people as well). 

 

[Philip027]

Everything we want and do is out of selfishness in at least some way, so yes, it is selfish.  Doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, though.

 

I think that's besides the point though.

 

More on topic, here's a question -- do you think you, or the other person, is better qualified to speak on what the other person wants in a relationship?

[Homer]

It depends on what you make of it. If you're hiding all these things when you enter a relationship, just for the sake of being in a relationship, that's selfish. However if you're open and honest about these parameters and someone comes along and says "I don't mind" or, even better "Yays, that's right up my alley", I don't see where this is selfish.

 

As long as you're upfront about your demands and dealbreakers, it's the other person who has to decide whether they are okay with it. Oh and this works both ways (or all the ways if one is poly).