Coming out.

[hooarethey]

All my life I've identified as pansexual, and embraced my appreciation for people regardless of their gender. Recently I've begun the path of acceptance that maybe, I'm not pansexual, just panromantic. For the past 7 years I've dated men, and used sex as a way to connect better with them. The act of sex itself has never been of great interest to me, and has merely been used as a tool for emotional connection. It's been frustrating to me to be romantically attracted to sexual people and not reciprocate their desire for sexual contact. I had just written this off as "my partners are bad at sex" or "I'm just to shy to just enjoy this and not be worried about everything". Now it seems, this is not the case. As of 2 months ago, I started dating my best friend of 3 years. For the past 3 years we have been absolutely inseparable, and I love her more than I have ever loved anybody in my life. She is beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful and everything I have ever wanted in a partner, but I struggle to be sexual with her. Unfortunately, she is a very sexual person. Over the past 2 months, we have had sexual relations twice, and both times were terrifying and awkward for me, and she tells me she enjoyed doing those things with me. I know she is frustrated to have found out that I am not a sexual person, and I am frustrated that I cannot provide her with satisfaction. i feel like I am a huge disappointment to her, despite her telling me I am not. I feel less valuable and unhealthy, and me rejecting her makes her feel unattractive and creepy, like shes forcing me to do something I don't want to.

I just want a solution/compromise.

[Eziio]

Sometimes there can't be a compromise but the best thing to do is sit down and explain how you feel,

talking it out and seeing if anything can be done.

[musicandzombies]

So, I'm Ace and not really into sex. My husband is very very sexual. We've had long, numerous, and often tear filled discussions about this and came up with a compromise. We have scheduled "Date nights." On those nights, unless I'm feeling a very strong "not happening," I'll give him the sexual contact that he desires and I'll enjoy it as much as I'm capable of. If I'm feeling very strongly about not doing so, we'll reschedule it. On days that are not our date night, he's more than allowed to ask for that level of contact, but I can (and do) more regularly say "not tonight" on those nights. This works for us because it acknowledges that I'm into it as much and I have the ability to say no. But it also acknowledges that he is a very sexual person and needs that type of contact and he gets it.

 

What I'm saying is, talk with your partner. Maybe you two can come up with a plan that helps satisfy their needs as a sexual individual but still acknowledge your disinterest and gives you the power to say no and have it be respected.