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Fifty Years of Sex Starved Marriage


Sexually Starved Survivor

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25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's fine for me too.

The link works for you? That's odd as far as I know I have no active bans from anywhere, I don't know why I can't see it :o

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Telecaster68

You have clearly displeased the AVEN gods somehow. That'll teach you to post pictures of you in your socks.

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On 10/4/2017 at 8:54 AM, Telecaster68 said:

You have clearly displeased the AVEN gods somehow. That'll teach you to post pictures of you in your socks.

I was accidentally banned from T&S, so unbeknownst to me I haven't actually been able to view it for months now :P 

 

..And socks are awesome! :D

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On 10/3/2017 at 9:12 PM, FictoVore. said:

That's so odd, it just takes me to a page saying 'you do not have permission to view that content' :o

@FictoVore. Talked to T&S mod @iff and they said it's been fixed now. You should be able to see now.

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Sad story.  I know of cases where women whose husbands couldn't provide them with the amount of sex that they wanted (or deserted them and later married other women) became angry and resentful and more mentally ill.  So the moral of the story is if you want sex badly, go get it instead of staying with someone who can't or won't give it to you.  If you stay, you only have yourself to blame for feeling miserable.  As for asexuals who don't want sex at all, don't stay with someone who does and then feel resentful.  I know I couldn't deal with a very sexual person.  

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We arent asexual due to abuse or a dysfunctional family unit. You labeled him asexual in the same sentence where you state he was molested. smh

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On 8/21/2017 at 6:02 PM, Sexually Starved Survivor said:

I could not agree more with everything that everyone has posted!  You all really got the message.  I too believe he didn't want to help himself.  What he COULD have done is to not lie to me about my being the cause of his problem.  It would have saved me a lifetime of agony.  Being rejected hurt, naturally.  But being blamed so unrelentingly has nearly destroyed me.  That is my message to people in your group.  I am delighted that you all grasped it before I ever wrote. 

Reading the Ted Talk opened my eyes to the fact that I  had a legitimate grievance and hurt.  As far as it being an advertisement, I just wish I could meet and use her services, but she is on the east coast and I'm in Oregon.  So, no luck.  I understand that concern.  I am posting my story where ever possible.  I'm trying to alert other women not to waste their marriages on something they will never have.

All of you get a big hug from me for your open mindedness, your caring, and your honesty.

This site is about education and community, and honestly most of the people that post here are probably pretty open minded considering we belong to one of the most ostracized subsets in the sexuality spectrum, crap even some of the gays reject us as being a part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Perhaps this is why your ex reacted the way that he did?

 

The message that I gleaned from your post is "dont try to force yourself to be sexual for someone else" yes, that he blamed YOU was inexcusable but back in the 60s and 70s there was virtually zero awareness/knowledge of asexuality and I could see someone wanting to somehow deflect from constant pressures and demands for sex when they are asexual. Your statement that its related to being molested is offensive and suggests that asexuality is a mental disorder. It seems to me that youre actually doing the same thing to him that he did to you? Dont know, as we only see one side here.

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On 8/20/2017 at 6:10 PM, Sexually Starved Survivor said:

My husband wasn’t homosexual or bisexual.  He was just sort of asexual because of the molestation.  It is interesting that within five years of this disclosure he divorced me, leaving me indigent, bankrupt, and broken hearted.  I believe that once he had to take responsibility for the failure of the sexual relationship, because he could no longer blame me, he began to hate the sight of me.

 

You don't become asexual from being molested. You can be asexual and have truamatizing experience from being molested, but the two are not linked. There are plenty of asexuals who have come from loving families and supportive communities, and just don't have any sexual attraction to either men or women. It's nonexistent.

 

Please, understand - what your ex-husband had to handle was terrible, and the fallout you received was terrible as well. But I want to stress the difference from trauma and asexuality. Trauma needs to be faced and treated with a counselor, and asexuality doesn't. Sexual abuse doesn't cause asexuality.

 

Your heart's in the right place, but please understand.

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On 9/1/2017 at 0:49 AM, Sally said:

If an asexual has disclosed to the sexual partner that they just don't like or want sex, that they get nothing from it, and in fact they just don't want to do it anymore  then I don't see any reason for relationship counseling.  Because at that point, what needs to be decided is whether the marriage can exist without sex.  That will be up to the sexual partner.  

This.

 

I'm sorry that the original poster has felt so rejected, yet she seems to indicate there was a background of feeling rejected before the marriage. I'm also sorry the spouse has suffered from PTSD. My spouse does as well, and that can be a hard thing for everyone, the one with PTSD and all around them, to live with. But it's also important to remember that your feelings about your partner are yours and theirs are theirs. We all do this, blame the other for our own issues, it's human nature, pretty much, and most of us do it unconsciously more than we like to believe. But once you can begin to own your own baggage and deal with that, you begin to free yourself, and that's a gift only you can give yourself, and it is independent of any treatment (rejection for instance) that you get from others.

 

Something kept you with this person for so long. Maybe it was a poor choice, a lack of personal will. But something kept you, and something kept them. Might it be there is some real affection and some real bond there, buried under all the pain? Maybe it's not enough to keep you together now, but it is something to keep in mind going forward, as well as lessons learned, about yourself, about them, about being human, and I'm sure there were some moments to treasure. No one stays together that long without something positive going on.

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I'm asexual and had some bad experiences in childhood and my early experiences of adult relationships.  I blamed my lack of desire on those factors for years. But I have a genuine underlying lack of desire.

 

I wanted relationships and sex was a necessary evil. Now I have come to the conclusion it is better to die alone than compromise....lol

 

Counselling would have helped decide where relationships may lead but could never "fix" the lack of desire.  And you can't "fix" someone else.

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Thank you Survivor for sharing your story. I related to you so much. I am in my 21 year. Married to asexual man who also has low T. I knew I had the higher sex drive before marriage. But I was still young and having a boyfriend that didn't cheat on me and was polite and calm was unusual for me. In the marriage he used his lack of desire and my high desire as a weapon of control. We split a couple times and almost got a divorce but I have always loved him and we had little ones at the time so we chose to reconcile but with no change in either of us. I have flirted and behaved in ways I shouldn't have for attention from other men. I have never had sex, no kind of sex, with anyone else. I only wanted to know men wanted to have sex with me. Then I would feel guilty for leading them on. I never lied to them. But they would have hope because of my actions despite my words. I would always eventually confess my teasing affairs only to have my husband point his finger at how I am such a bad girl wife. I have learned not to pressure him for sex. I have learned not to see my self worth or attractiveness through my husband's words or behavior. I know I am sexy. I know that my sexual desires are normal and healthy. I am sorry for my behavior in my marriage and towards other men in my desperate need to feel desirable. It's been a long road but I feel content. I don't always have to be happy. Like J.P. on YouTube talks about in his skit "terrorism of happiness". I have a range of emotions. I have learned to love and be thankful for them all. Sexuality is a big part of who I am but mine nor my husband's will define me. I make my decisions of now on how it will effect what is really important to me. My family and my legacy. When it comes to my husband owning up to his asexual status he can be a jerk because of his pride. But he is a complete person. Loving and supportive in my education and career and all things family. No person is all good and no person is all bad. And we all have different levels of selfawarness. I can forgive because I am aware of my debt. It's not always easy in fact most times it isn't. But I'm okay with not easy. It's life. One I love. 

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I don't believe the poster intended to imply that asexuality is a result of sexual abuse; plainly there is a misunderstanding here between asexuality as an orientation, and abstinance/abhorrence of sex due to psychological trauma. The general population can probably be forgiven for misunderstanding.

 

 

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I know women who were seriously abused as children and still want sex.  It is true that those memories have affected their relationships, but the desire is still there.  Very different to not  being interested at all.

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Yes it's true sexual abuse doesn't necessarily make someone sex-averse, but it can. It's probably at least as common as asexuality, when you consider the numbers involved.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

mzmolly, I don't think that the "divorce because it'll never work" attitude is the general consensus here. There are asexuals in relationships with sexuals that post here and they seem to make it work. I don't spend a lot of time on those threads, but if you haven't found them already I think they may be extremely helpful to you. 

 

 

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