I'm Asexual and My Sexual Boyfriend Feels Unattractive, Help?

[Peter From Home Depot]

Okay so it's been a while since I've posted, but I think I need a little help.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now. We are both still in high school. For reference, he asked me out before I knew I was asexual. I'd never heard of the term. A few weeks into dating he asked me if I was asexual, so I researched it, and it seemed to make a lot of sense. He helped me figure myself out and, though I suppose unexpectedly, we're still dating. 

 

So all the physical stuff has always been a problem. I didn't kiss him until nine months into dating, we've done some other things but not much more, and things are okay. I'm grateful to say out of all the problems we might have communication is not one of them. We work it out, and I'd say I'm more comfortable with the idea of several more things than I had been in the past, and he's feeling happier with the level of physical contact now compared to where it was previously. But what's really a problem right now is that he doesn't feel like he's attractive enough. He knows that attraction doesn't quite exist for me, and though he knows that I find him beautiful and love how he looks, it's still not the same thing as sexually desirable. Until recently he didn't care as much that I liked him in a different way, but I guess now he's started thinking that he'll never get someone sexual to be attracted to him and he'll be alone forever. I think he mainly feels this way because he has been saying recently that he feels fat. He even said that he decided to loose weight, which was a big deal because when he says he's going to do something he follows through. I suppose I didn't know how to respond to that because well, sure he is slightly overweight (but literally only slightly) and sure he doesn't get much exercise as his studies take up most of his time, but I've never cared. I just think he's funny, and he's sweet, and he gives the best hugs. I would never want him to feel like there's something wrong with him. Although, he has depression and anxiety, and that doesn't help. He's told me that he needs to loose weight because he's not attractive enough, not because he wants to get healthy. He's told me that he doesn't have time to exercise regularly, so he'll just eat less, starve himself basically, and I know that's not healthy at all. Today he told me that he feels like he can't tell me I'm pretty or attractive because I can't reciprocate in a way that makes him feel desired. I guess I'm looking for advice on what do do? Because I feel powerless sometimes when he tells me he doesn't feel attractive enough, like I can tell him he's attractive, but he'll say he's not. He'll say I can't know if he's attractive and I don't understand. Admittedly, I don't really understand attraction, and I don't understand the need to feel wanted sexualy, but I do know he needs to feel wanted and so I care about that. I'm struggling because it's more difficult than him needing a little more physical attention from me to feel happy, as that is somehting concrete that I can do, where as feeling attracted I really can't give anything.

 

So I guess I'm just wondering, have any of you experienced this before? What can I do to make my boyfriend feel more wanted if I can see him struggling with his attractiveness? I think this problem might be magnified by the fact that we've both been away and unable to visit each other physically for over a month, but I doubt that's the sole cause. I'd appreciate any advice, and thank you all for reading

 

--Peter

[Grumpy Alien]

I would emphasize things you find attractive about him. I don't mean sexually attractive, just... however you are attracted to him. Try to help him see how you see him - as someone special in your life. It's difficult, I'm sure, but it might help him remember that you do care about him and that you don't need him to be anything but himself.

[Peter From Home Depot]

@Graceful,

Thank you, I will make sure continue to emphasize that he's attractive to me the way he is, that he's special to me, because you're right it is hard. Even if I already take this advice, sometimes it helps to have it voiced, makes it seem a lot less hopeless. Thank you. 

[Guest]

@Peter From Home Depot Another thing is that if he is convinced he is physically unattractive, I don't think it will make any difference if he's with you or a sexual person. Even if someone else desires him in that way, he probably wouldn't be able to believe them. I learned from two of my siblings that they don't understand how others see them as sexually attractive. It has to do with his own self-image.

 

Though you aren't sexually attracted to him, it's obvious you value him in ways that matter. Also, the fact that you're willing to do things with him shows that you love him and want to be with him.

[Lara Black]

Hello.

First of all, your SO’s self-image problems might have very little to do with your asexuality. If he has emotional issues, there might be no “right” way to cheer him up. It’s easy to say things like, “You don’t understand attractiveness”, but sexual couples have excuses of their own, “You’re just saying that out of pity”, “You’re not objective because you love me” etc.

 

However, there might be a few ways you can show him that he looks attractive for you.

1. Pay attention to positive changes - from “This shirt looks great on you” to “Losing weight really benefits you”.

 

2. Of course you’re not with this guy for his looks, but you don’t need to stress it. It often sounds like “You’re unattractive, but you have great personality”. Your general statement could be something in the lines of, “You look great. And even if your looks change for the worse, I’ll feel the same way about you as I do now.”

 

3. Even though you’re asexual, it doesn’t stop you from knowing aesthetics. When he tries to dismiss your compliments, you can stand your ground. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll take your point on the second or third try, but he might feel better if you insist on your point of view.

 

Best of luck.

[Peter From Home Depot]

Moon Spirit,

Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it

 

Lara Black,

What you said really resonates with me because he has in fact used almost your exact words, "You’re just saying that out of pity." Thank you so much for the advice.

 

 

 

[Homer]

There really isn't a way to make him feel "more wanted" other than, well, actually "wanting him more".

 

Other than that, do you think it's possible that losing weight just is what he wants to do, unrelated to your sexuality? Depression rang a bell over here... the most random daily tasks can become overwhelming when you're struggling with depression. Getting up, preparing food, taking a shower, going outside... HUGE obstacles when you're really really down. If he really wants to do something about the way he looks, whether you deem it necessary or not, that's IMMENSELY impressive. That's something you could try to focus on. If that's what he wants to do, support him. You might tell him that you like the way he looks now and it's great to know that this wouldn't change even if his looks changed for the worse... but don't tell him that it's not necessary to change. It might just happen to be that one thing he clinges on. The last thing he needs to hear is that any accomplishments would be unnecessary.

[Peter From Home Depot]

Homer,

 

Thank you for responding. I feel that there is a difference between supporting someone in one thing while discouraging them in another, and supporting someone no matter what. If he is committed to loosing weight in a healthy way that helps him feel better about himself, of course I will support him doing so; however, my suspicion is that if I only support him when he's actively trying to loose weight, and offer no support when he's not, he'll get the idea in his head that it is indeed necessary for him to loose weight to be a valid human being. I do want him to know that it's not necessary for him to change in order to be valid, and I don't want to encourage thoughts that he's not good enough. I know depression can come in many forms, but he's not the type to shut down and stop doing things when he gets depressed and overwhelmed. When he gets depressed it leads to anxiety, and he frantically tries to accomplish everything he can to be valid while just feeling worse and worse about himself. Though, if he struggled with doing anything while he was depressed, I think your advice would help. 

 

Thanks again for your response 

[Homer]

2 hours ago, Peter From Home Depot said:

If he is committed to loosing weight in a healthy way that helps him feel better about himself, of course I will support him doing so; however, my suspicion is that if I only support him when he's actively trying to loose weight, and offer no support when he's not, he'll get the idea in his head that it is indeed necessary for him to loose weight to be a valid human being.

Hm. Is this really the only way you're supporting him? Are you discouraging him in another way? Judging by what you wrote, you ARE offering a lot of support, even if you're not expressing it constantly. You're with him. He could talk to you if he wanted to. It can be hard to talk to someone, even someone who is close to you. One, you need to organize your thoughts and all that. Two, there probably is some underlying thought of oneself as a burden if one is reaching out. But you're there and just to know that there is someone to talk to is incredibly valuable. Offering support isn't always about cheering someone on. Sometimes it's just silently standing next to them.

[Peter From Home Depot]

Homer,

 

Thank you for replying again. I suppose I was a bit unclear. Cheering him on is not the only way I support him, and I think I support him a lot more by doing what you suggest, just being there to listen and talk to him. I assumed (perhaps erroneously) by your wording that you meant supporting him mostly by cheering him on in a way. What you said about feeling like a burden when reaching out really makes sense to me because he has told me that he doesn't want to bother me with his feelings when he's stressed out. So I will absolutely just try and be there when I can for him. Thanks for responding, my apologies for responding so late. 

 

[Homer]

Yes, that's what I thought when I read your response looks like you're doing it right.

 

You got this.

[Peter From Home Depot]

thank you again

[LeChat]

Speaking as someone who's gone through depression, I've found that exercise helps my mood. Doctors have confirmed that exercising helps peoples' moods because it releases endorphins (the body's natural "feel good" chemicals). I have to exercise; when I didn't exercise for over a month (due to an accident), my mood tanked, again.

 

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression#1

 

Would it help your boyfriend to have someone to exercise with? Perhaps, you, if you want to, whether it's riding bikes, playing volleyball or basketball, tossing a ball, dancing to music, etc., whatever you guys would enjoy. Of course, it's not due to his weight, but to possibly help lift his mood.

[Peter From Home Depot]

sg06,

thank you for the advice, I'll see if there's some sort of exercise we can do togehter.

[Sherlocks]

On 8/20/2017 at 6:56 PM, Peter From Home Depot said:

Okay so it's been a while since I've posted, but I think I need a little help.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now. We are both still in high school. For reference, he asked me out before I knew I was asexual. I'd never heard of the term. A few weeks into dating he asked me if I was asexual, so I researched it, and it seemed to make a lot of sense. He helped me figure myself out and, though I suppose unexpectedly, we're still dating. 

 

So all the physical stuff has always been a problem. I didn't kiss him until nine months into dating, we've done some other things but not much more, and things are okay. I'm grateful to say out of all the problems we might have communication is not one of them. We work it out, and I'd say I'm more comfortable with the idea of several more things than I had been in the past, and he's feeling happier with the level of physical contact now compared to where it was previously. But what's really a problem right now is that he doesn't feel like he's attractive enough. He knows that attraction doesn't quite exist for me, and though he knows that I find him beautiful and love how he looks, it's still not the same thing as sexually desirable. Until recently he didn't care as much that I liked him in a different way, but I guess now he's started thinking that he'll never get someone sexual to be attracted to him and he'll be alone forever. I think he mainly feels this way because he has been saying recently that he feels fat. He even said that he decided to loose weight, which was a big deal because when he says he's going to do something he follows through. I suppose I didn't know how to respond to that because well, sure he is slightly overweight (but literally only slightly) and sure he doesn't get much exercise as his studies take up most of his time, but I've never cared. I just think he's funny, and he's sweet, and he gives the best hugs. I would never want him to feel like there's something wrong with him. Although, he has depression and anxiety, and that doesn't help. He's told me that he needs to loose weight because he's not attractive enough, not because he wants to get healthy. He's told me that he doesn't have time to exercise regularly, so he'll just eat less, starve himself basically, and I know that's not healthy at all. Today he told me that he feels like he can't tell me I'm pretty or attractive because I can't reciprocate in a way that makes him feel desired. I guess I'm looking for advice on what do do? Because I feel powerless sometimes when he tells me he doesn't feel attractive enough, like I can tell him he's attractive, but he'll say he's not. He'll say I can't know if he's attractive and I don't understand. Admittedly, I don't really understand attraction, and I don't understand the need to feel wanted sexualy, but I do know he needs to feel wanted and so I care about that. I'm struggling because it's more difficult than him needing a little more physical attention from me to feel happy, as that is somehting concrete that I can do, where as feeling attracted I really can't give anything.

 

So I guess I'm just wondering, have any of you experienced this before? What can I do to make my boyfriend feel more wanted if I can see him struggling with his attractiveness? I think this problem might be magnified by the fact that we've both been away and unable to visit each other physically for over a month, but I doubt that's the sole cause. I'd appreciate any advice, and thank you all for reading

 

--Peter

Say "I bet all the other girls are jealous I have such a sexy stud" or something to that affect 

[Peter From Home Depot]

Sherlocks,

 

Well I'm not sure about helping with insecurity, but I'm sure he'd appreciate it or at least find it funny  

thank you for your comment