Confusion (sexual conversation) Please Help

[3ryry3]

So....This morning with a mutual friend I encountered um video/phone sex. I have known this person for over a year, we dated for a long time and have just started talking again after a rough month of drama, to say the least. I love this person, they have helped me so much over the last year and I trust them. I do. 

 

Here is the thing, I've never really been that far in a sexual situation before and it was a weird experience. I can appreciate the human body, its an awesome thing. I am also aware that since It was the most intense sexual situation I've been in, that it has a right to be awkward. The thing is it was so much more than the feeling of awkward. I figured I would be awkward and then start to enjoy it and then that would be the end of it. Instead, my lower half started liking it after a few minutes, I got tingles ect. But my stomach started to turn and I got an instant headache and I felt like I was going to vomit all over my kitchen. I felt the need to release my sexual tension but I also felt so deeply disgusted. Disgusted with me, for them for wanting to do this. Just everything was so...gross. Sure my body was like hey this is great, you're actually doing okay. But it just, no. 

 

So after I went straight down for a nap, I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to even process. My nap ended up being hours long and I just woke up with a pit in my stomach. I feel like I just saw a brutal murder scene and I'm trying to process it, or better yet, forget it. I still wanna talk to this person and I'm not ashamed of doing so. I just feel so sick and disgusted with myself that I genuinely feel like I'm catching the flu or something. I can't stop thinking about how badly I feel. .....

 

side note, I guess: It is a possibility I was sexually abused at a very young infant but I have no memory of it happening. So I just ignore the entire concept. I have convinced myself this is all just my sexual orientation but I can't help but to wonder, I guess. 

 

Why would my body like it but the rest of me feel so disgusted? Confusing, really.

[Mal334]

I know exactly what you are talking about. My last boyfriend tried to get us to have a more physical relationship, and while part of me was for it, sometimes, the other half was screaming no gross! I don't know how helpful any advice I give will be since I ended up ending the relationship for that very reason. However, you guys can either try stuff until you find stuff you do like that doesn't give you that feeling, or you can explain to him the situation and see what he wants to do about it. Like I said I am for sure not an expert or anything, but if you are wanting to have a physical relationship with him than that is my best suggestion.