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How to abort the mission?


Sammer Jammers

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Sammer Jammers

I've accepted I'm asexual for almost to years now, and I've always assumed I was just pan-romantic as who I wanted to be around had nothing to do with their gender. I am almost 17 now and about 2 months ago I entered my first relationship and now I am tearing my self apart trying to be "normal." I think I have made a big mistake and that for my entire life I have been confusing romantic attraction to a close platonic bond. Brendan is a really good friend and I don't want to be that asshole who breaks up after 2 months, but I feel in the long run this might be best. 

 

I like hanging out with him and we alway have fun, but he wants more that I am willing to give. How do I get out of this mess, and dear god will I ever get to feel normal?

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The longer you wait, the harder the break-up will be. Talk to him, be honest, accept that he'll feel hurt, and hope that he'll get over it eventually.

 

Be yourself, rather than what you think others consider "normal".

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I'd say explain how you feel. If Brendan is a cool guy he'll understand. You don'r even have to come out necessarily (tho if it's safe/comfortable it'll be a load let off your shoulders) you can just say that it's not him, it is you, and make a point to say you literally mean that and it's not just some lame excuse, you just wanna be friends.

Thing is, you probably ARE more normal than not so. It's more a matter of being okay with yourself, which I can't teach but can come over time. It gets better. Much love.

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Try to talk with him nicely and honestly. Maybe he'll understand. :)

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Be honest.  You can't be something/someone you're not, and he can't either.  In the long run there is only pain in store if the two of you aren't on exactly the same page...... Just my opinion, take it with a pinch of salt.  But I've been there, done that, it doesn't have a happy ending.

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Break ups are a reaction (like in chemistry lessons). You are nice and harmless and propose to sod sex; he is nice and harmless and proposes the opposite. Wear clean goggles, pour both into a test tube, lean back and await "kawoom!"*... and hope somebody finds words to describe it.

*= "kawoom!" can take many shapes just like in chemistry.

I noticed myself tending to avoid people who'd be uncomfortable if I lived out my urges with them. Why? Because it is much easier to diet with a fridge full of Ilford than another one filled with ice creams and cheeses and fries of my taste. - I have an impressive stock of rice beans noodles and crispbread at home becausenone of them is yummy enough to trigger mindless binge eating. - I love cookies, gummi bears, chocolate milk and could stuff myself with cake crisps and chocolate too and because of that I won't stock them until my scales permit. - Sorry about the rambling.

 

Expect Brendan to withdraw entirely when you break up or start friend zoning him. Give him lots of space and time to find another romantic target and restart contacting him but well it will be the usual thing with friends who have partners.

 

  • It absolutely doesn't matter how you break up!
  • The only thing you might have to care about is if he 'll have access to better aftercare givers than a DUI joyride.

Mourning etc. has to happen however, so just quit. Most people survive that.

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2 minutes ago, Busrider said:

I noticed myself tending to avoid people who'd be uncomfortable if I lived out my urges with them. Why? Because it is much easier to diet with a fridge full of Ilford than another one filled with ice creams and cheeses and fries of my taste. - I have an impressive stock of rice beans noodles and crispbread at home becausenone of them is yummy enough to trigger mindless binge eating. - I love cookies, gummi bears, chocolate milk and could stuff myself with cake crisps and chocolate too and because of that I won't stock them until my scales permit. - Sorry about the rambling.

This is actually a perfect metaphor for many situations in life......!

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Karacoreable
27 minutes ago, Busrider said:

Break ups are a reaction (like in chemistry lessons). You are nice and harmless and propose to sod sex; he is nice and harmless and proposes the opposite. Wear clean goggles, pour both into a test tube, lean back and await "kawoom!"*... and hope somebody finds words to describe it.

*= "kawoom!" can take many shapes just like in chemistry.

 

I love that, that's amazing! :lol:

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I was actually in a similar situation about 4 years ago.  I felt the desire to become close friends with people, and assumed that that desire must have been some sort of sexual or romantic attraction, even though looking back it was always purely platonic.  This lead me to fall into a romantic relationship with a good friend of mine who developed a crush on me.  For the first few days it was cool because I felt like I wasn't left out of the whole relationship thing anymore and I figured more solid feelings would develop eventually if i gave it time.  However, I soon because absolutely miserable in the relationship- all the romantic stuff my ex wanted to do just felt completely wrong to me and I was looking for any excuse to break up with him.  I was actually angry that our relationship was so otherwise perfect, because I didn't think I would be justified in breaking up with him over "nothing".

 

About a month in though, I had a long conversation about how I felt with two of my close friends.  I didn't come out at the time because I didn't know asexuality or aromanticism existed yet, but I talked about how I didn't feel comfortable being romantic with him and how I completely misjudged a desire for a closer friendship as a crush.  They convinced me that it didn't matter how long or short the relationship was, I should break it off if I didn't feel happy, and that's the same advice I'm going to give to you.  Breaking up after only a month of dating was one of the most awkward things I've ever had to do, but it was such a relief to not be weighed down by a relationship that didn't feel right to me.  And in the long run, it was probably good for my ex too, as he was a great guy who deserved to be with someone who shared his feelings.  You don't need a "legitimate" reason to break up with someone; if you're unhappy that's reason enough.

 

My advice would be to talk to Brendan and let him know how you feel.  Let him know that you think he's a good person, but the romantic feelings just aren't there.  People can't help who they are or aren't attracted to, so if Brendan's a decent person he'll accept that reasoning.  Best of luck, and let us know how it goes! :cake:

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Sammer Jammers
On 8/20/2017 at 10:37 AM, deltaX said:

I was actually in a similar situation about 4 years ago.  I felt the desire to become close friends with people, and assumed that that desire must have been some sort of sexual or romantic attraction, even though looking back it was always purely platonic.  This lead me to fall into a romantic relationship with a good friend of mine who developed a crush on me.  For the first few days it was cool because I felt like I wasn't left out of the whole relationship thing anymore and I figured more solid feelings would develop eventually if i gave it time.  However, I soon because absolutely miserable in the relationship- all the romantic stuff my ex wanted to do just felt completely wrong to me and I was looking for any excuse to break up with him.  I was actually angry that our relationship was so otherwise perfect, because I didn't think I would be justified in breaking up with him over "nothing".

 

About a month in though, I had a long conversation about how I felt with two of my close friends.  I didn't come out at the time because I didn't know asexuality or aromanticism existed yet, but I talked about how I didn't feel comfortable being romantic with him and how I completely misjudged a desire for a closer friendship as a crush.  They convinced me that it didn't matter how long or short the relationship was, I should break it off if I didn't feel happy, and that's the same advice I'm going to give to you.  Breaking up after only a month of dating was one of the most awkward things I've ever had to do, but it was such a relief to not be weighed down by a relationship that didn't feel right to me.  And in the long run, it was probably good for my ex too, as he was a great guy who deserved to be with someone who shared his feelings.  You don't need a "legitimate" reason to break up with someone; if you're unhappy that's reason enough.

 

My advice would be to talk to Brendan and let him know how you feel.  Let him know that you think he's a good person, but the romantic feelings just aren't there.  People can't help who they are or aren't attracted to, so if Brendan's a decent person he'll accept that reasoning.  Best of luck, and let us know how it goes! :cake:

Thank you. I feels good to know I'm not alone.

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