Coming Out as Demisexual?

[laneybehr]

Hi, I'm new to AVEN and this is my first post on the site! This is actually my first time joining any kind of LGBTQA+ forum or website, because I'm pretty new to the idea of my sexuality. I'm not sure what I'm looking for other than advice or someone to listen to my ideas and questions!

 

Part of the problem is that I've only recently (in the last month or so?) figured out exactly what my sexuality could be described as. For at least 1.5, maybe 2 years, I've been wondering if I was bisexual or asexual, but neither of those felt right. I've been in a nearly-5-year-long heterosexual relationship, so part of me is conflicted with coming out at all. I told my partner and he was very accepting (and had been suspicious for awhile), but I had intended to tell my close friends just to get it off my chest. Looking back on my past relationships (all the crushes I've had since I was in elementary school), they all formed with guys I had been friends with for awhile first. And even then, I didn't develop any real sexual attraction to any of them until a year or so into my current relationship.

 

With that being said, I still think I'm largely "attracted" to guys. I've never had a crush on a girl, and I haven't exactly been short on close female friendships. I could see myself being romantically interested in women to some capacity, but I don't think I see myself sexually attracted to them, even if I had developed a really close emotional relationship with one. (Given the longevity of my relationship with my boyfriend, and the thoughts we both have about our future, I'm not sure it will be in the cards for me to ever find out, anyways.)

 

My two biggest worries are 1) my close friends not understanding my demisexuality, or thinking that it's "normal" to "not want to have sex with everyone you meet" (which, to my knowledge, is different than demisexuality), and 2) them seeing it as an "excuse" for me to fit into the LGBTQA+ community. A lot of my friends identify as gay or bi, and I'm one of the only "straights" in my group of friends. I don't want them to think I'm making something up, or finding some weird excuse, just so I can be a "part" of something that they're in.

 

I have no plans to tell my parents (they definitely wouldn't get it), and I had only intended to tell my best friend/roommate and my two best friends from growing up. And it's not something I'm stressed about keeping secret, either, it just never seems like a good time to talk about it to anybody. And, again, I'm worried about the two things I listed above.

 

I guess that's all, any kind of advice or feedback would be awesome. I really appreciate anybody who took the time to read this or answer me!! <3

[theredbubble]

I totally understand your two main concerns. They're even major concerns of mine and I'm now on my fourth year of knowing about asexuality. The hardest thing I learned was not everyone in the LGBTQ+ community is open just because they're apart of the community. I advise, if this is what you'd like to do, to tell your closest friends because in all reality if they can't accept you because of your sexuality, they never really were your friend. Another way is to ask their views on the aro/ace spectrums. This would allow you to safely gauge if you should tell them or not and if you do tell them, what their reaction will be. 

I'd also like to say Welcome! And I'm glad you have joined this ever growing community. 

[Jackninja5]

You can tell your friends to do research and I'm not saying that rudely. I mean suggest it to them politely.

 

Welcome aboard.

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to these forums, laneybehr! First and foremost advice: have some cake!

 

If you come out to someone, you certainly have to be prepared to explain. And yes, it's possible that they don't get the main point you'd like to get across. The question is: how important is it to you that they understand? How much does it matter to you? Do you want to come out because you'd otherwise have the feeling that you're hiding something from them? Then drop the word and see if they have questions. Do you want to come out because you might need their emotional support some time in the future? Then drop the word and take some time to explain, repeat occasionally, but don't stress it. Do you want to come out because you think the friendship is at risk unless they can fully accept that part of yourself? Then you'll have to tell and explain it again and again, at the risk of annoying them or driving them off. Do you want to come out because you've learned something new about yourself and want your friends to share the excitement? Then think twice about whom you come out to, and what your expectations are.

 

So my advice is: be clear about your motives for coming out, and what you want to achieve by coming out, for every person you are planning to come out to. Then choose the appropriate occasion and intensity of coming out. There's a huge span between just dropping the word in a conversation, and asking a friend for a private talk because you'll have to tell them something important.

 

By the way, I can imagine worse things than friends thinking you're normal :-)

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

6 hours ago, BubleMnky said:

I totally understand your two main concerns. They're even major concerns of mine and I'm now on my fourth year of knowing about asexuality. The hardest thing I learned was not everyone in the LGBTQ+ community is open just because they're apart of the community. I advise, if this is what you'd like to do, to tell your closest friends because in all reality if they can't accept you because of your sexuality, they never really were your friend. Another way is to ask their views on the aro/ace spectrums. This would allow you to safely gauge if you should tell them or not and if you do tell them, what their reaction will be. 

I'd also like to say Welcome! And I'm glad you have joined this ever growing community. 

I've lost 99% of my so-called "best friends" in the GLBT community after coming out as demi-ace.  It was a really painful experience but also opened my eyes for prejustice and close-up intolerant attitude once again.  I don't want to discourage you though! I just wanted to point out that there's always a 50/50 risk for fail or success but @BubleMnky already gave some very wise, useful words of advise here, so there's nothing much left for me to say. You should start with your closest friends first. If they don't accept you, they've never been your friends anyway. If so, you should try to find someone else who can make you feel fully accepted as for who you really are inside. It might not be an easy or quick path to choose but it's always worth the effort.

 

Hopefully things will work out well in any case!

 

Last but not least:  Welcome to AVEN! Enjoy your stay!

[deltaX]

Whether or not you want to come out as demisexual depends entirely on if it's something you want to do.  You should always keep partners informed of your sexual orientation, but for everybody else, you shouldn't feel pressured to come out unless you personally want.  It's your decision, and whatever you decide to do is perfectly okay!

 

I'm asexual rather than demi, so my situation is a little bit different, but to me coming out is neither a priority nor something that needs to be hidden.  I told a few of my close friends right away, and then there are a few people in my life that I will probably never bother telling, because I know they won't understand and it just isn't worth the hassle.  But for the majority of people, I just live my life the way I want without worrying about making coming out a big deal.  I'll mention it if it's relevant to the conversation, but I don't go out of my way to bring it up either.  For me casual "coming out"s like that are much less stressful.