Is sexual attraction real?

[Anonymous6]

So I've never felt sexual attraction. And I'm really confused cause it seems like no one around me has felt something like that. I asked my cousin if she ever have had fantasies or she wants to have sex. And she told me that she doesn't want or crave for it but someday in the future we'll all have to have it. At first I thought maybe she could be an ace too. But all my friends think like that. I'm not even sure if sexual attraction is a real thing or not anymore. Can some one help me? 

[Tercy]

I noticed in another post that you're quite young - so, assuming that your peers are also young, that may have something to do with what you're experiencing. There can also be an expectation in some areas/groups/cultures/etc for people to downplay their interest in sex - so it could be that they're just lying. There could also be something in the local water or food supply. Possibilities abound.

[StupidDream]

I think sexual attraction is real to those who are sexual driven in the first place.  Having had relationships in the past with people who very much were sexually driven they showed definite sexual attraction to me - it just wasn't reciprocated.   I've seen first hand another human literally throw themselves at me in the grip of sexual drive! (God that was a bit scary actually!!! *shudders*)

 

If you think about the biology and the need for a species to reproduce it makes sense that sexual attraction would exist within a species, as a way of ensuring propagation of the next generation.  There are many species of birds who put on elaborate mating rituals, so it isn't just humans either...

[Anonymous6]

Thank you. My cousin is actually 19 years old so I don't think she's that young. But it can be because of our culture. I live in a religious country and that may be the reason of this problem. 

[binary suns]

I certainly feel sexual attraction. 

 

It wasn't really clear to me that I felt attraction really until about 16 or 17. before then I might talk about a crush or notice me getting distracted to look at a girl - but it wasn't really... idk.. "a big thing" always just some side behavior that didn't really matter. 

 

And tbh - even tho in college I'd think about people and flirt with them and.... generally understand I was in some way attracted to them, and even tho I even knew some aces at the time, I never really identified anything I experienced as "that thing is sexual attraction" until I really had to look into myself to figure out if I was really ace or only appeared to be ace in my decisions and behaviors. (the latter - I am grey) 

 

TBH for the longest time, people'd say that "gay men are men who like men" or "men who are attracted to men" or "bi girls swing both ways" or "they're sometimes attracted to a man, and sometimes to a woman" or even yeah - the term "Sexual attraction" was common enough that I knew the word and had a concept for it. Generally - my concept of what sexual attraction was, was just to recognize that you had a crush on someone or other, that you had feelings of some kind for a certain gender. no specific "this thing is exactly sexual attraction and all of what it is" 

 

 

and still now I wouldn't say there is "one thing" that is sexual attraction - but I am adamant that it is real. if someone asks me, "what is sexual attraction for you? what does it feel like?" I know exactly what I'd say to describe my feelings - sometimes when I look at someone, talk to someone, or otherwise interact with them, and especially powerful feeling if we are kissing, I may feel butterflies in my stomach, I may feel a subtle sense of arousal, I will certainly always feel kinda blushed or embarrassed, and my eyes might feel... idk... I have a hard time focusing, but I have a hard time to look away from the person. it is as if my brain just loses a little bit of its consciousness. it certainly is hard to speak or think - my mind and heart feel like they are racing. 

 

and the thing is that to speak of these signs of attraction - well it over-emphasizes them a lot. in the moment they do seem quite important - and before I spent the time to identify them, well I wouldn't identify them. I wasn't really aware of all the signs at all - I just knew that I was attracted, that I liked the person. or I might not even realize - but rather I remember noticing them a lot, and noticed that I noticed them, and in noticing that I noticed them I realized that I must be attracted in some way. 

 

 

And the other thing is - attraction really isn't "it is these signs for sexual attraction" and "these completely different signs for romantic crushing" and "these entirely separate signs for "hero admiration" or interest of friendship" but all three (four?) sensations of attraction share a lot in common with each other. oh - and I feel aesthetic attraction too, to people and to beautiful scenery or interesting things to look at. and reallly - the experiences aren't tht different from each other, but there is consistency in the patterns - with sexual attraction actually it is the one I most feel butterflies in my stomach - and with romance, I actually feel butterflies in my heart. (both the tummy and the heart have a lot of emotion neurons actually) - I only know that I feel attraction one way or the other, because I am that experienced with myself that... welll.. I just know which it is. The differences are certainly there, but all the feelings are there on average in general. I couldn't really say in words what I feel, that I know to be attraction...

 

 

the best way to say it is "I just know I am attracted" but that really isn't the reality. I feel it. I feel it and I know what I feel. I don't have to think about it really - I just feel it, and in feeling it by feeling it I know it - does that make sense? "the knowing" is equivalent to "the feeling". 

 

 

the short of the long is - Yes attraction really does exist. and it takes time for each person who feels it to both - feel it often enough and strong enough to be able to notice it, but also used to noticing it to admit that it's there. sometime during most people's young adult lives - tho sometimes younger and sometimes older - they come to realize how they feel attraction well enough to proclaim their orientation, but even then most people aren't in a situation where they gotta disect how they feel into words well enough to explain it to otehrs - it just isn't important for us, to explain our emotions at all - because "the knowing" the emotion is in feeling it. 

[Anonymous6]

10 minutes ago, Teagan1 said:

I certainly feel sexual attraction. 

 

It wasn't really clear to me that I felt attraction really until about 16 or 17. before then I might talk about a crush or notice me getting distracted to look at a girl - but it wasn't really... idk.. "a big thing" always just some side behavior that didn't really matter. 

 

And tbh - even tho in college I'd think about people and flirt with them and.... generally understand I was in some way attracted to them, and even tho I even knew some aces at the time, I never really identified anything I experienced as "that thing is sexual attraction" until I really had to look into myself to figure out if I was really ace or only appeared to be ace in my decisions and behaviors. (the latter - I am grey) 

 

TBH for the longest time, people'd say that "gay men are men who like men" or "men who are attracted to men" or "bi girls swing both ways" or "they're sometimes attracted to a man, and sometimes to a woman" or even yeah - the term "Sexual attraction" was common enough that I knew the word and had a concept for it. Generally - my concept of what sexual attraction was, was just to recognize that you had a crush on someone or other, that you had feelings of some kind for a certain gender. no specific "this thing is exactly sexual attraction and all of what it is" 

 

 

and still now I wouldn't say there is "one thing" that is sexual attraction - but I am adamant that it is real. if someone asks me, "what is sexual attraction for you? what does it feel like?" I know exactly what I'd say to describe my feelings - sometimes when I look at someone, talk to someone, or otherwise interact with them, and especially powerful feeling if we are kissing, I may feel butterflies in my stomach, I may feel a subtle sense of arousal, I will certainly always feel kinda blushed or embarrassed, and my eyes might feel... idk... I have a hard time focusing, but I have a hard time to look away from the person. it is as if my brain just loses a little bit of its consciousness. it certainly is hard to speak or think - my mind and heart feel like they are racing. 

 

and the thing is that to speak of these signs of attraction - well it over-emphasizes them a lot. in the moment they do seem quite important - and before I spent the time to identify them, well I wouldn't identify them. I wasn't really aware of all the signs at all - I just knew that I was attracted, that I liked the person. or I might not even realize - but rather I remember noticing them a lot, and noticed that I noticed them, and in noticing that I noticed them I realized that I must be attracted in some way. 

 

 

And the other thing is - attraction really isn't "it is these signs for sexual attraction" and "these completely different signs for romantic crushing" and "these entirely separate signs for "hero admiration" or interest of friendship" but all three (four?) sensations of attraction share a lot in common with each other. oh - and I feel aesthetic attraction too, to people and to beautiful scenery or interesting things to look at. and reallly - the experiences aren't tht different from each other, but there is consistency in the patterns - with sexual attraction actually it is the one I most feel butterflies in my stomach - and with romance, I actually feel butterflies in my heart. (both the tummy and the heart have a lot of emotion neurons actually) - I only know that I feel attraction one way or the other, because I am that experienced with myself that... welll.. I just know which it is. The differences are certainly there, but all the feelings are there on average in general. I couldn't really say in words what I feel, that I know to be attraction...

 

 

the best way to say it is "I just know I am attracted" but that really isn't the reality. I feel it. I feel it and I know what I feel. I don't have to think about it really - I just feel it, and in feeling it by feeling it I know it - does that make sense? "the knowing" is equivalent to "the feeling". 

 

 

the short of the long is - Yes attraction really does exist. and it takes time for each person who feels it to both - feel it often enough and strong enough to be able to notice it, but also used to noticing it to admit that it's there. sometime during most people's young adult lives - tho sometimes younger and sometimes older - they come to realize how they feel attraction well enough to proclaim their orientation, but even then most people aren't in a situation where they gotta disect how they feel into words well enough to explain it to otehrs - it just isn't important for us, to explain our emotions at all - because "the knowing" the emotion is in feeling it. 

Thank you so much. I think I should focus on what I'm feeling instead of what people around me are saying. Maybe one day in the future I'll experience it. 

[Homer]

3 minutes ago, Sell660 said:

I think I should focus on what I'm feeling instead of what people around me are saying.

This should go on the front page banner.

[binary suns]

well, sometimes what people say can be helpful but totally agreed. it's difficult to ignore things that make no sense - you feel as if you have to match them to be a part of it all. but you don't! there are others like you, even if they aren't right there next to you - you are not alone. so it's ok to remember who you are, and to focus on that  especially when it is hardest to do so. 

[Kai99]

4 hours ago, Sell660 said:

So I've never felt sexual attraction. And I'm really confused cause it seems like no one around me has felt something like that. I asked my cousin if she ever have had fantasies or she wants to have sex. And she told me that she doesn't want or crave for it but someday in the future we'll all have to have it. At first I thought maybe she could be an ace too. But all my friends think like that. I'm not even sure if sexual attraction is a real thing or not anymore. Can some one help me? 

Sexual attraction is... complicated. For one, what sexual attraction even is varies from person to person so how one person defines it may not fit what others experience, but that doesn't mean they don't experience sexual attraction. For example, while you will have people who don't relate to being aroused by an attractive person appearance, those people could be aroused by personality traits of a person, or wont experience it until after they get to know someone. What separates asexuality is whether or not you desire  partnered sexual contact at all. Most people do.