Just little asexual things (how I discovered I'm ace)

[Ashofta]

Hey guys! I'm pretty new here and I also just recently discovered that I'm an asexual. I feel like sharing my story here because I'm too scared to come out to people yet for a multitude of reasons. My boyfriend is the only one in real life who I've told about my asexuality, and he completely understands, but we are trying to work out a compromise since he is a very sexual person. Anyway, onto the story. I cut some parts out of it that were too personal to include publicly. I hope this may help some people just as much as typing it out helped me. I found out that I'm asexual about a week ago after a long struggle discovering myself and my identity.

 

It all starts during my beginning years of puberty. When I was an adolescent, I used to (possibly) wanna do sexual things with my crushes and fantasize about them, however I honestly don’t remember since it was so long ago. I don’t recall if I had a sexual attraction towards them, or if it was more of an aesthetic attraction. I think it was just an aesthetic attraction that I misconceived as a sexual attraction, since I thought people were "hot." When it came to sex, I didn’t really think too much on it back then, but I knew I was at least celibate and wanted to wait until marriage.

 

However, beneath all the ironically dirty jokes I made, I began to subconsciously realize that sex didn’t really interest me at all. I realized that I wouldn't mind dying a virgin. I knew I enjoyed experimenting with my own body, but the idea of doing sexual things with a partner wasn’t necessarily amazing and probably even made me feel uncomfortable. I used to find it weird that I would do that without even thinking of sexual things half the time. Either that, or I would just think of anything in general, but I don’t think I ever imagined having sex with someone while doing it or engaging in sexual fantasies with a real person. I wasn’t even aroused by romantic partners. When I had my first boyfriend, I tried fantasizing about him but it usually didn’t please me. In fact, it probably ended up making me uncomfortable instead. I mistook romantic attraction for sexual attraction for the longest time.

 

I also experimented with girls romantically/sexually because at one point, I thought I was bisexual rather than heterosexual, perhaps even lesbian. But once again I was wrong and ultimately found myself feeling very uncomfortable for the millionth time, but afraid to admit it. I also no longer found myself wanting to date girls because after two tries with different females, it didn't seem to go right. (On a side note: I wouldn't mind trying to date a girl romantically again, but that's beside the point). 

 

Years later, I got with my current boyfriend who is very sexual and can’t seem to get enough of it. I remember doing sexual things with him to experiment because he wanted to try it. I found it very overwhelming and anxiety inducing. However, I tried to push this thought away because not only did I want to make him happy but I wanted to believe that I only felt uncomfortable due to the fact that the relationship was still relatively new. But a year and seven months of dating him proved me wrong and I still felt and feel uncomfortable. I remember feeling hopeless and like something was wrong with me because I just couldn’t seem to get in the mood and he always blamed himself for it which made me feel even worse. I felt like I was messed up and like I needed some sort of help for so many months. I wasn't attracted to girls, guys, or anyone at all that I found very good-looking. The most I'd feel was an aesthetic attraction. I couldn't even get attracted to the person I love the most. I couldn't help but wonder, "What's wrong with me?"

 

That was, until, I read more into asexuality and realized that I was just an asexual in denial. I didn't want to believe that I couldn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone because I felt like it was messed up and abnormal, like no one would accept me for who I am. I didn't even accept myself. I used to ponder about it, feeling like asexuality was a bad thing. However, after allowing myself to give it a chance and learn more about the orientation, I realized that it fit me perfectly and there was nothing wrong with it. Even so, I still can't embrace it enough to admit it to others in real life besides my boyfriend, who I am lucky to find to be very supportive and understanding of me. I know it will take time to open up about it to others completely; but at least I can wear my ace ring and feel a sense of contentment to finally find a label that fits me, and sense of belonging that I'm not weird or messed up. I am so happy to have found this community and realize that I'm not alone. <3 

[Chris Zulas]

Well I'm glad you eventually figured it out, man. I personally always kinda knew I'd never be into sex or even really dating as I'd seen it, and I was lucky enough to have, of all people, my conservative baby-boomer mother's friends, in response to me saying how I felt, say "Oh yeah, that's being asexual" but even THEN it took going online and finding terms to help with that - I maybe once had a crush, am I not asexual? No, there's a difference between sexual and romantic interest. I like porn, am i not ace? Well if you don't want to have sex you're ace, and I didn't want to, and autochorissexuality fits me somewhat. It's why representation is so important - many more people would ID as ace if they saw a non-sexual character i fiction who wasn't a psychic mind-reading terrorist/chemically created super soldier/super-determined anime character/manchild/actual child.

[ItWasNiceKnowingYou]

Heylo!!!! Welcome to AVEN!   Glad you've figured yourself out & decided to join our forum

 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. (Moderators <- this is below the avi of all moderators)

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 

 

Again WELCOME!!!!!!!!!  

[JayDee1212]

Oh I definitely identified with a lot of the things you said! Confusing aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction is the absolute worst....it took me a long time to realize I never really felt the latter at all. And of course I thought there was no way I could be ace and still develop crushes, but once again...not true! And I also went through a time where I thought if I wasn't into guys than I must be into girls, but eventually that passed when I realized the idea of a romantic relationship with a woman makes me a little uncomfortable whereas I can be very romantic with certain boys if I have strong feelings for them. 

 

Anyway, it seems like your boyfriend is really kind and accepting despite his own sexuality, and that's really great! Also you should give yourself a lot of credit for having the courage to tell him...that couldn't have been easy. Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're doing well and finally coming to terms with your sexuality...wear that ring with pride!

 

[R3dTr1ckz]

Dear Ashofta.

 

Hi! Name's Mr. Kieran, or Kieran for short.

 

I'm sorry you're going through it rough, but trust me when I say we AVENites stick together and help each other in their time of need.

 

I WOULD show you I wear one, but sadly I can't post pics using TOR... I'm replacing TOR with either Brave or Opera...

 

So.. Picture a cake here > (Insert Cat Cake Gif)

 

I'll replace it soon FYI.

 

Anyway, Welcome to AVEN! Bye!

 

- Mr. Kieran

 

 

 

 

[wheelperson]

thank you, i new to the site. i have dated before but very quickly got on to sex which i didn't like, even sexting. it make me feel anixious to, i will play alone to certin  point. so you not alone