Which romantic orientation am i?

[blayzze]

I have only once feelt something for another person, but i'm not sure if it is romantic or just my imagination because i want somebody to love me.

We actually texted for awhile, went out on a date and still hang out when we both are with our common friends even though i ended it when he confessed to me that he liked me and wanted things to go further. I was very resistant to like him and saw all things i didn't like about him, he is actually really sweet and caring but ignored all the wonderful things about him. When i ended things i started to have those feeling about him, like when i want somebody to hug, cuddle or kiss me he is always the one i think about. It may also be relevant that i had not yet figured out that i was asexual when we talked and maybe i pushed him away because i didn't want sex? Relationship = sex.. 

 

So what do you think i'm demiromantic or something else? He is the only one i have ever had som sort of feelings for that aren't platonic.

 

 

[ryan_]

Grayromantic/gray-aro could be you. I personally like this because it's a fairly broad term that covers quite a few things, especially while you're still figuring things out.

[grbt98]

I think, in the time I've been here discovering stuff and trying to untangle everything, I'm coming to the conclusion that grayromantic/gray-aro is probably a good fit for me [also likely a good deal of Demi though I'm not sure how to put that all together into a coherent phrase, haha]. I've had a similar experience to what you described, except that the "he liked me and wanted things to go further" was largely muddled by the statement that "first and foremost he wanted to be friends" which I interpreted as "if I was ever comfortable with and wanted more, he'd be up for it."  We did a lot of talking and open discussion around the subject. Long story short, turns out he's actually very aromantic though does enjoy hugs. We worked things out and decided that what is most important to both of us is staying close [in a quasiplatonic relationship] and not dealing with any of the additional stress caused by more.

 

Hope that helps in some way. Good luck figuring stuff out.  

[blayzze]

3 hours ago, grayRabbit said:

I think, in the time I've been here discovering stuff and trying to untangle everything, I'm coming to the conclusion that grayromantic/gray-aro is probably a good fit for me [also likely a good deal of Demi though I'm not sure how to put that all together into a coherent phrase, haha]. I've had a similar experience to what you described, except that the "he liked me and wanted things to go further" was largely muddled by the statement that "first and foremost he wanted to be friends" which I interpreted as "if I was ever comfortable with and wanted more, he'd be up for it."  We did a lot of talking and open discussion around the subject. Long story short, turns out he's actually very aromantic though does enjoy hugs. We worked things out and decided that what is most important to both of us is staying close [in a quasiplatonic relationship] and not dealing with any of the additional stress caused by more.

 

Hope that helps in some way. Good luck figuring stuff out.  

It's always nice to know that other people go through  similar things as yourself! I'm so happy it worked out for you! 

 

Because i wasn't out as asexual ( and did not identify as asexual yet) when we were seeing each other and i ended it so we never got to that stage where we talked about it. Maybe things would be different if i had known about my about sexuality when we started seeing each other,who knows?

The thing is that i didn't have those feelings for him when we talk and that is what's confusing for me, shouldn't i have felt something for him then if i do now?

 

[grbt98]

3 hours ago, blayzze said:

The thing is that i didn't have those feelings for him when we talk and that is what's confusing for me, shouldn't i have felt something for him then if i do now?

First thing that comes to mind: Hindsight is, and I'm really grateful for that. It has allowed me to figure out and attempt to fix things that I've been slow picking up on, so at least I don't have to regret not trying.  :] Perhaps it is a demiromantic thing, perhaps it is something else, I don't know, and can't say for you of course, but I can relate a bit more of my own experience.

 

8 hours ago, blayzze said:

I was very resistant to like him and saw all things i didn't like about him, he is actually really sweet and caring but ignored all the wonderful things about him. When i ended things i started to have those feeling about him, like when i want somebody to hug, cuddle or kiss me he is always the one i think about. It may also be relevant that i had not yet figured out that i was asexual when we talked and maybe i pushed him away because i didn't want sex? Relationship = sex.. 

For me, [[oh, darnit. Intermission, ok? I'll finish this later. Need to go help someone get their vehicle from the shop before it closes. Be back  ]]

[blayzze]

59 minutes ago, grayRabbit said:

First thing that comes to mind: Hindsight is, and I'm really grateful for that. It has allowed me to figure out and attempt to fix things that I've been slow picking up on, so at least I don't have to regret not trying.  :] Perhaps it is a demiromantic thing, perhaps it is something else, I don't know, and can't say for you of course, but I can relate a bit more of my own experience.

I actually never thought about it that way but i could see that as the reason why. But i'm afraid that if we were to start seeing each other again (not likely) i would lose those feelings for him, like i romanticize him into something he's not?

Argh all this is so confusing when you can't place your feelings..

1 hour ago, grayRabbit said:

For me, [[oh, darnit. Intermission, ok? I'll finish this later. Need to go help someone get their vehicle from the shop before it closes. Be back  ]]

Haha no problem and good luck whit that!  

[grbt98]

Not really sure how much to share here, so this may be too much info... but maybe an odd little detail or two will be helpful and if it is, that's worth it.

 

For me, I saw all of the things [good, bad, likes, dislikes] but in a mixed up, convoluted, over-time, tug-of-war fashion I suppose, but the situation isn't maybe typical of how most friendships/relationships form, not really sure... but I've been told it's not the norm, so I'm going with that.

We met through shared interests and career paths on forums/websites so got a first impression of each other that way. Then supposedly [I don't remember, I have a weird memory] I suggested it would be cool to chat about certain art techniques we were working on at the time, which got lost and eventually he re-found that suggestion and we started emailing and getting to know one another. A week or so of that, I happened upon some psychology articles that clicked with my nature and, well, emotional-crisis meltdown and total re-thinking of how I look at the world.

Spoiler

Turns out I have some traits of BPD. Never knew it was a thing before last year but I'd been living with stuff related to it since early-middle childhood. Learning about it was a really good, empowering thing for me, but definitely in life-changing, powerful emotional flux for a while.  :]

 

I was in a pretty bad place and afraid to bring it up with him, fearing he wouldn't want to talk with me after that, but I did and he said it was ok. That was huge for me. I had never opened up that deeply to anyone before and it pretty much set the tone for the rest of our relationship, which is good and bad. I'm kind of [very] blunt and honest about stuff, haha, and I'm also a Highly Sensitive Person and have a lot of anxiety and changeable, strong emotions/moods. What fun, right.  Anyway, all of that combined into setting another tone for our relationship; mainly, a roller coaster combined with a steam roller combined with a bungee cord = lots of fun, emotional upheaval, exhaustion and stress, but always seeming to come back to each other to work through issues that come up.  :]  Ok, well, he's generally held out that "he's not going anywhere" so mostly it's me who comes back to him.  *shrug* 

 

Where was I going with this? Oh, ok. I--   nope, lost it. Hold on....  Ok, haha.

As you said, "Relationship = sex.." and, "Argh all this is so confusing when you can't place your feelings.." Basically, yes. And I think a lot of the issues we had [by no means all of them] involved stress and anxiety over not really knowing where things would go, and also being terribly confused about where we wanted it to go, as well as my general inexperience with relationships + his lots of experience with relationships [not terribly great, on the whole, with painful ending on the last one].

 

Despite being pretty open and able to discuss a lot of stuff between us, I still have a bunch of trouble talking about my feelings and find it difficult to explain myself [especially when I'm confused and can't really place them] so I just didn't know what to do with it all and felt uncomfortable bringing up stuff on the subject. I'm also quite fearful of rebuff/rejection and, as I mentioned before about things being "muddled," I was confused and a bit hurt about his seeming lack of interest when I finally grew comfortable enough to maybe want more. And so I didn't say anything or explain my feelings on the subject for a long time, instead just keeping it all in and myself in a state of confusion and back-and-forth emotional struggle over wondering if I really wanted to remain there [that kind of inner turmoil is exceedingly painful, but I'm guessing you have some idea of that]. Over the course of this period, I pulled away a lot, came back, pulled away, etc. Not comfortable. 

 

I attempted to think through things logically [INTP inclination] even going so far as a sort of pros and cons mental list of how well/or not we get along on various things and all the stuff I was attracted to about him vs. all the stuff I wasn't. I did bring some of this stuff up in conversations with him, which made things worse for a while. I determined I'm about 55% attracted to him, on the whole, as an average [sometimes mostly attracted, sometimes not much at all]. As I said, I'm very blunt and honest [still trying to sort out how to be gentle at the same time]. But I didn't actually bring up the basic thing underneath all of it. Which was that I wanted to be closer to him, I wanted to have some sort of deeper relationship. Might have saved myself a lot of emotional trouble if I'd done that sooner, or perhaps not. Will never know, but I am glad I did finally tell him so we could work through it.  :]

 

Um... I think that's it? Except, maybe some general reference points/background might be useful? I've always been some sort of asexual/aromantic but I didn't actually know it until coming here, which was quite recently. [Finally telling him what I wanted/hoped for, and working it all out happened after that.] I just knew I never really related to other girls in my class when they started being interested in boys... I was never very interested [don't think I ever developed a crush on anyone, til last year], and then I was isolated from most people for many years. Plus I'm an introvert anyway and always felt different and like I wasn't really relationship material. I kind of just figured I'd always be alone. I was pretty used to the idea, and generally ok with things, with only occasional wishes that things were different... and then, of course, all of the above happened. Which totally ruined it.  

 

Ok, done. Hopefully something in all of that jumbled mess is helpful. Sorry for the giant chunk of text. 

If you'd like to talk more about anything, feel free to send me message.

[blayzze]

I'm actually also HSP and i can relate to your text so so much! Thank you for sharing all that, i have nobody in my surroundings who understand all my mixed feelings and how exhausting it is to overthink everything. So it's nice when you realise that you're not alone in the universe, that there are others out there who experience similar things as yourself!

 

This did help me so thank you again! Maybe i will send you a message when things are boiling over again 

 

[grbt98]

You are welcome. <-- I mean that literally as well, as in --> please don't hesitate to send a message if you ever feel a need to talk to someone who can relate. I'll be around.  But at the least, I'm glad sharing my experience could help in some way.

7 hours ago, blayzze said:

(...) it's nice when you realise that you're not alone in the universe, that there are others out there who experience similar things as yourself!

I agree wholeheartedly.