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Still questioning romantic identity...


babygyrl09

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So I posted awhile back about how I think i might be ace, but romantic, because i like the idea of being in a relationship, and besides, i'm at the age where i'm supposed to be (is there an age where societally speaking you're not pressured into seeking or having romantic partners? Seems like a question for another post...).  But recently I discovered the term lithromantic, which i understand to mean having romantic attraction without wanting it to be reciprocated.

 

Story time! So, i'm female, and have both male and female friends (and, by the by, have never understood the whole "guys and girls can't be friends without wanting something more"), and am/was closer to a couple male friends at the time than any of my female friends. And you have to understand all of my friends in this story are co-workers as well. Pretty much my whole social group are people I've met at Work. So my female friends were asking me which one I liked, saying both of them like me. They would ask "1 or 2 today?" And if i laughed or smiled at something either of the boys said, it would be proof that "oh, looks like today it's 1." "I guess it's 2 now." And stuff like that.

So I figured, well, if they see it, and if everyone else at work thinks so, then maybe i do like one of them? Because I do hang out with them the most, and we have lunch tigether, and talk about non-work things, and i genuinely like spending time with both of them. And then, one of the girls got together with one of the boys, and she told me that I can have 2, 1 is hers  (not in a possessive, jealous thing, just a drunken confessional thing right before she went for it), and, I dunno, i think i thought myself into having a crush on 2?  Because after that, every time we hung out it was like there were deeper connotations, and the expectation that since the others got together, we'd get together by default? And then with people urging me to do something or say something to him about it, i just... stopped. Stopped liking him, both as a possible crush and as a friend.  And i can't explain it, because whenever i tried talking to some body, they said i needed to talk to him about it, and what's the worst that could happen? He says he doesn't like you?  But that wasn't what i was thinking. I was more thinking, what if he does? What then? What if i wanna stay in this gray area of friends with Mutual "something" and not anything more? Is that leading him on?  But it doesn't matter about that, since he's in the past.  I don't like him anymore because he's a jerk.

But there's another guy that i'm friends with, and we definitely flirt, but there's not even the possibility of anything more because he's got a girlfriend, and he understands that i'm ace, so i don't know if i feel comfortable flirting with him cause he's "safe"?  God, i hate feeling feelings!

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P.s. apologies for any funky typos or formatting. Typing on my phone is fun.

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That's much longer than any post I would be able to type on a phone. I think you did pretty well.

As for your question, I think it's relevant to consider that romantic attractions can develop from friendships, and proximity and circumstance play a role in who people become romantically attracted to. For those reasons, sometimes a relationship might seem to be somewhere in-between friendship and romance. In the examples from your story, it sounds like there were circumstantial factors that have limited the relationships from developing into full-fledged romances (your personalities didn't align in the first case, he has a girlfriend in the second case). I would also say that your friends may be overly enthusiastic about interpreting your responses as evidence of romantic attraction. Friends sometimes like to tease people in this way, so I would suggest focusing more on how you feel personally.

All that is to say people's feelings in these situations are complicated and sometimes it can take more time and relationship experience before one has a clear picture. I hope my response has been helpful. And I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

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Apathetic Echidna

from reading your very well phone-written experience, you stopped liking (even as a friend) #2 when expectations built up, could it be feelings dying under social pressure?

 

as for the flirting thing, I can relate to that even being fully aro, I sometimes flirt with homosexual-in-relationship friends so I know there is no real interest. We all find it fun in a kind of clever word-sparring that is laced with compliments, no romo. But I only do it with completely unavailable people as it does feel safer that they will take it exactly as I mean it and feelings can't be seeded (?) unintentionally.

seeded? started? interested? words are hard.  

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