Aaronsgirlfriend Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 So my boyfriend has realized within the last few months that he identifies as asexual weve recently had an oppurtunity to talk about boundaries and hes decided hes ok having sex sometimes because im sexual. I was thinking about it today, knowing that he doesnt enjoy it, even if he wants to do it occasionally for me, i dont know how im going to feel engaging with someone who isnt enjoying it. Like he says that he finds sex boring, but yah just a thought. Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? I just feel like i wouldnt want to have sex knowing that hes not into it. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 I am in the same position as your boyfriend. I'm the asexual. If my wife were the one asking me this question, I would come up with things that were sexual, not boring and non-copulatory, things I do enjoy but perhaps she would not. The other thing to try is the my-turn-then-it's-your-turn thing, where he rings your chimes and then you do what he wants afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Mixed relationships aren't for everyone. In fact they aren't for most people as most of them don't end up working out. Being with an asexual can take time to getting used to though. So give it some time and see how things go, but don't wait too long as to feel obligated to stay because of the amount of time you've already invested into it; know when to quit and move on. You both have fish in the sea; there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, an asexual app, and a minority of sexual people are asexual compatible. And always remember love can't fix anything. Ya gotta make yourself get out of the (rose colored) clouds and view reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Aaronsgirlfriend Posted August 16, 2017 Author Share Posted August 16, 2017 I agree, but i love him and im more than willing to go without, im sure we'll have our occasional sex eventually i think i need time though. As a transgender person im used to needing understanding from others. However, Its a bit of a culture shock trying to understand someone else who has an experience you cant relate to Link to post Share on other sites
Malek4life Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 I'm asexual and in a relationship with a sexual man, and we're basically right in the midst of trying to figure out how to stay together while getting both our needs met to the best of our abilities. His needs: sex with me, my needs: no sex with anyone... because they're on opposite sides, it's pretty tricky trying to figure this out. As the asexual party though, for me what helps me a huge deal, is knowing that he wants to be with me and still loves me just as much with or without the sex. Knowing that he wouldn't leave me if I said completely 'no' to sex has almost basically free'd me, in a sense. It made me way more open to the idea/possibility of having sex with him. So my advice would be, first: figure out with yourself and for yourself if you're okay with not having sex. If you still want to be with him, without sex. If the answer to that is yes, then to the next step. If you find out your answer is no, that you don't want to be with him without sex, then I think you need to understand that you may most likely end up hurting him and yourself by staying with him. And the best option for both of you, is to break up. If this is the case though, then you have to understand within yourself that it is okay to not want to be with him without sex. While I personally don't understand the actual need, I do understand that the need for sex in sexual people does exist. And is actually an important part of your psychological health. Especially in a relationship with a chosen 'lover'. Now, if you figure out that you're okay with being with him without the sex, then the next step is to sit him down and you both have a very in depth conversation. Let him know, and really feel that you are with him regardless of sex. And it may free him like it did me. On his side of things though, I can't really speak for him about the part of sex being boring. Because for me sex is unnecessary and can be inconvenient, humiliating, invasive, to be honest gross and occasionally painful. As well as an overall nuisance BUT... for me, with the man I'm in love with, it can actually be fun. So overall, personally I don't find the sex to be boring. Which may be a big enough difference to change how your guy responds to things. All I can really advise on that part, is maybe trying to find a way (with him) to make it fun. Together maybe find out if there's certain things, or even just ideas about sex that he might find fun or interesting. See if there's anything at all that might genuinely engage him, mentally/psychologically, in sex with you. Other then that though, I really don't know cause I am trying to figure out a bit of the same in my own relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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