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Losing friends to their partners


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Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the right forum for this question but here goes... I was wondering how people deal with losing their friends when they enter non-platonic relationships? It's like once they enter a non-platonic relationship their platonic friendships take a place on the back burner and I'm left alone. Also, why do people put so much emphasis on romantic/sexual relationships??? (that's sort of a rhetorical question)

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

If your friend has gotten into a relationship and completely ignore you,and never deal with you again, then they weren't really your friends to begin with.

I have a friend who is in a romantic relationship, but she doesn't ignore me, we still are friends. We still chat from time to time. 

I never had a pal totally ignore me once they got into a relationship. But if I did have that happen to me, I would be hurt, but I would be over it quickly and move on with my life. I would look for good friends and not focus on my former friend because they aren't worth my time or energy.

 

As stated, some people can act like they are your friends, but really aren't.  

For most people, at least in my experience, they do place romance over friendship. But if they are true friends with another person, they would still hang with them and be there for them if they needed their help.

 

 

 


 

 

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27 minutes ago, riolee said:

I was wondering how people deal with losing their friends when they enter non-platonic relationships? It's like once they enter a non-platonic relationship their platonic friendships take a place on the back burner and I'm left alone

Math: - You need how much attention to be happily not alone? How much could you get out of the friend before they got partnered? Trying to recall school days, I'd guess 3 afternoons / week? 

A month has 4 weeks and a partnered friend is still good for one afternoon / month. 

Bottom line: Make 11 additional friends &/ grab some books / pick up more solitary hobbies.

 

Good news: Few relationships last forever, many get colder over time; so you'll get (something of) your friends back.

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SpaceDustbin

It can suck quite a bit. Especially if the partner they end up with starts excluding your friend from their original friend group (probably not the healthiest type of relationship, but hey. It happens apparently, but hopefully those are the exceptions), then it's pretty easy to lose them, but for most people it's usually only the first few months of entering a new relationship that they pay less attention to their friends. Once they're in an established relationship it usually gets better again.

 

So, have faith and try not to give up on them too soon ;)

 

 

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I'm currently dealing with it by deciding to be upfront about my relationship values before letting myself get close to people in the first place.  Everyone is a casual acquaintance until they prove that they are capable of reciprocating my friendship.  So far this is proving easier said than done, but I'll get the hang of it over time.

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Autumn Season
1 hour ago, Busrider said:

pick up more solitary hobbies.

That's me. When my social life has its ups and downs, it affects me a lot. In order to keep a stable emotional life, I indulge in creative hobbies... and AVEN.

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banana monkey

@ruru I didnt think the OP meant completely ignore just contact/see less. That can still leave you feeling pretty lonely. Busrider gets the point well, unfortunately romantic relationships tend to mean a lot less time is spent with friends. This is natural phenomenon, but it doesnt really help those of us who dont have/are not interested in partners. Busrider intorduces the concept of more friends but unfortunately quite a few of us on AVEN (me included) suffer social skills deficits (by medical conditions) or social anxiety. Therefore, we probably didnt have many friends before, and so when they (the rare 1 or 2) start spending time with s.o's we see friends very rarely and feel lonely. Unfortunately, because it is so difficult for us to make good friends and those very rare new people we do meet (well the ones I meet anyhow) seem to have friendship groups well established over years and are not interested in making new ones we are at a bit of a lost cause. Space dustbin is right it tends to be worse in the romantic phase as the friend wants to spend every waking minute with their partner, so you dont get much of a look in after other important commitments (eg. work) It may get better once that has died down but unfortunately for us it is never quite the same. 

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I think a few replies here seem to miss OP's likely annoyance (and mine).  It's nothing to do with being needy and having to have someone to fill one's time.  I can fill my own time.  It's that I don't like using others purely for company or being used accordingly by someone I genuinely really care about.  It sucks when you define a friendship as a serious relationship and to the other person, it was just a crutch while they waited for romance.  That's the issue.

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This on so many levels! It seems people prioritize relationships over friendships as a whole. Like all the times you've spent together are nothing now that they have someone to smooch. 

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The nature of romantic and sexual attraction is such that people tend to prioritize those relationships over friendship relationships. This becomes even more noticeable once people get married and start having children. Unfortunately, I don't have a solution, besides making new friends and participating in communities like AVEN.

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Those people were never really your friends.

 

Not like that revelation makes it that much easier to deal with, but... yeah.  As someone who has friends that have entered married life and such (and might about to be doing so himself), I can tell you real friends won't drop you like that.

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Hermit Advocate

My sister did this to me and our family and friends. Still haven't gotten an answer as to why. it's very confusing to me. 

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it fucking sucks. I could write a long, bitter post about this very thing but it'd probably get me both a huge pile of angry PMs and a ban from this site for life.

 

To me it's like losing people under any other circumstances, except that I don't have a clue what happened and this tiny little bit of lack of knowledge is slowly eating my intestines. So I try to figure out what happened to the best of my abilities and let time do its healing job. Even though I have to admit that time sucks at this job.

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RoseGoesToYale

I've had to end friendships for (partially) this reason. I get that there's a new excitement that comes with entering a relationship that lasts a couple weeks or so, and I'll usually try to give them some space, but if it's been months and I still can't get a hold of them or the only topic of conversation is still their sig fig, to the detriment of anything else... I can't. Real friends make time for each other. Sometimes the only thing to do is just do your own thing.

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It happens and is sometimes inevitable. I get that they gotta set aside a lot of time to be with their potentially literal life partner, but it's a shame still. Then again, not to sound edgy or emo, I'm kinda used to being left behind. ☹️ People just seem to grow out of me over time.

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I know EXACTLY what you mean and it drives me INSANE. Like, I feel so alone because I value friendship more than romance. 

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banana monkey

Ok, I kinda get the point more now, I dont like "using" people for company. I have a few people I can do that with but I dont call them friends, I call them aquaintences. Friends are more than that. I think that was the point i was trying to make in my previous post.  However, it has to be understood that friendships change over time and it is understandable that people spend most time and thought about S.O so have less for others. This event may cause them to "grow out" of the friendship as they want different things from the friendship at this point than you both did before. The friendship either adjusts to their differing needs and evolves or they/you decide either party has "grown out of it" and wants different things so you/ they decide to find other friends.  This I think, it the exact reason why people prioritise romantic relationships over friendships. Most people dont see friendships as a potential life partner situation. My point it that if you are in a life partner relationship you are going to spend more time investing it because it will be the person you will be with for life and spend most time with. For most people friendships arent like that they change with time, locations (if you move) etc. so you dont invest as much into them.

 

I can see why people dont like it but it is a fact of life, it sucks even more when you have social skills problems like me so you have virtually no friends anyway even if you have plenty of people around you for company.

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I think the notion that you aren't finding life-long friends is confusing. I try to find friends I will want to be friends with forever. Sure I'm not gunna raise a kid with them, but I do hope to have a bond with them that will last a lifetime, even if it's a bond that changes in nature. My best friends will still be my best friends forever. 

But other people don't see things the way I do, and I don't understand. I feel like a lot of people see their friends as disposable. Yes, you're gunna spend more energy on the person you're married to, but you should still cherish your friends, and I can't understand people who don't, and it hurts that most people don't care very much about friends. 

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