Coming out?

[Tofruity]

We've dated for 2 months. We meet once a week and very little texting in between. Never talked on the phone. It's time that I come forward with my sexuality, because I'm currently masquerading as an allo with a high sex drive but strong morals. I know this will be particularly confusing with the [TMI]

Spoiler

enthusiasm I've expressed in bed and what I would consider good sex. 

 

My gut is telling me this will 80% chance lead to a breakup. Even if it doesn't, I want an open relationship to be an option if we choose to be exclusive. 

 

Now, starting this conversation... If we haven't talked on the phone that would probably be anxiety provoking. Kinda wanna play it cool bringing it up early our next date. But pretty sure I'm taking him on a belated birthday dinner which doesn't have an easy escape. Then again info like this takes time to process and the cut off may wait until the next day. Wouldn't that date be a waste of our time?  The next option is text. I really don't want to do that. Afraid to tell him in advance "I have something to talk about" because that builds anxiety. 

 

At the same time, it needs to be clear asap before another sexpectation. How would this be handled best? Experiences? Advice?

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

I think there's a few things going on here: 1) What method of communication to use for something big when a birthday event is looming, sex may be anticipated, and texting him before is out, 2) Masquerading as an allo with a high sex drive and high morals, and 3) Coming out as (according to your avatar) gray-A.

 

1) Eh, that's tough. To be honest, I'd take the plunge and call him. I know it's not something you're used to doing, but it's text something important or talk to him about it on his birthday. My order of preference would be: phone call or in person, text message last. I actually wouldn't mind someone coming out to me on my birthday -- I'd be super honoured and chuffed. But, like, I'm kind of keen for people to be themselves. I get that a sexual partner might be shocked and/or unsure what to expect from that pt on, though! Obviously, a come out story that has personal ramifications for a partner can be tough. (But I live in hope of him being extremely supportive and happy for you) 

 

2) When you say masquerading, is there a lie (or several lies) that you'll need to admit to and apologise for? Or are a partial lie? (e.g., Perhaps you do have strong morals, plus happen to be gray-A) If you've lied, I'd start with why you did that: "I'm still working myself out/I find it hard to talk about this and most people understand celibacy or no sex on moral grounds better/ sometimes I quite like sex and I never know which way it's going to go, so I tend to hold off on fully 'coming out' until I get a sense of what I want out of the relationship and until I've built some trust..." (etc). If there are no lies, and it's just the assumption he's made, then... see 3) below!

 

3) Coming out to me = gentle education. Tell him what it means and what it doesn't mean. Bust some myths, bust all the myths! Invite him to ask questions. Tell him what you'd like/hope for out of a relationship. Be specific, if you can. Ask him to consider if this is what he wants or could be satisfied with as well. If he needs time to consider that, let him have it. Also, I think it's a good idea to be prepared to advocate for yourself. Tell him (if you are) that you are happy and proud, that there is nothing wrong with it, it's just a difference. Don't let any invalidation occur, or if it does, be patient with him but talk him through it, pt out the probs, and explain what it's 'really' about. See if you can problem-solve any issues, if you can. Compromise might be an option. Talk through options. See what you're both comfortable with and what could work. If it doesn't work out, that's sad, but it is life, and at least you've tried and now you know.

 

Good luck!