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it is rough being asexual


john e. resler

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john e. resler

I have always been asexual even before i knew what this was I knew I was different from everybody I knew.  First I did not find sexual situations comfortable in-fact  every time i was faced with a sexual situation i would experience panic attacks and get violently ill. I have always been a nudist and an artist. Aesthetically I find the human body intriguing but the thought of having sex well that triggers what i mentioned above.  My mother was afraid i was gay because i  did not chase girls like my brothers so she sent me to a battery of sex education and health education groups mostly run by the church . It made things worse for sure. I later learned my hormones were very different than others my male hormones were extremely low and my female hormones were equal to my male hormones which translates to roughly neither am i really male or female and no i am not a hermaphrodite either. I became close friends with and grew to love a female which i married and even though the odds were against it we did have a boy though he was handicapped (but that is not important). I can force myself to please my wife but I pay a fairly heavy price for it. Ironically I have spent a period in jail as a sex offender for something someone else did but won't admit too. (but he will be in prison now for the remainder of his life it seems  karma really exists.  While I am comfortable with who I am  personally I wish I could learn how to enjoy sex just once for my wife's sake. open to suggestions.

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MakeupJunkie4
2 hours ago, john e. resler said:

I have always been asexual even before i knew what this was I knew I was different from everybody I knew.  First I did not find sexual situations comfortable in-fact  every time i was faced with a sexual situation i would experience panic attacks and get violently ill. I have always been a nudist and an artist. Aesthetically I find the human body intriguing but the thought of having sex well that triggers what i mentioned above.  My mother was afraid i was gay because i  did not chase girls like my brothers so she sent me to a battery of sex education and health education groups mostly run by the church . It made things worse for sure. I later learned my hormones were very different than others my male hormones were extremely low and my female hormones were equal to my male hormones which translates to roughly neither am i really male or female and no i am not a hermaphrodite either. I became close friends with and grew to love a female which i married and even though the odds were against it we did have a boy though he was handicapped (but that is not important). I can force myself to please my wife but I pay a fairly heavy price for it. Ironically I have spent a period in jail as a sex offender for something someone else did but won't admit too. (but he will be in prison now for the remainder of his life it seems  karma really exists.  While I am comfortable with who I am  personally I wish I could learn how to enjoy sex just once for my wife's sake. open to suggestions.

Hi! Wow, I'm so sorry that the church thing made it worse. I can only imagine what went on. That stuff really angers me, like the churches could teach manners, kindness, giving, integrity, etc but what are they wasting time and money on? Sex. *facepalm*

 

I have no experience with situations like this, but I'm curious if your wife knows how you feel about all of this? Either way, welcome! 😊

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john e. resler

my wife is very aware of the situation after all it would be hard to hide it for forty-five years. What bothers me most is she has a very active libido and is sometimes hurt that i can give her extreme pleasure but get none myself.  Also  it is amazing that other females seem to know that i can't be seduced which only makes them try harder to do so like it was some sort of trophy. thanks for your support.

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On 15/8/2017 at 5:07 AM, john e. resler said:

I have always been asexual even before i knew what this was I knew I was different from everybody I knew.  First I did not find sexual situations comfortable in-fact  every time i was faced with a sexual situation i would experience panic attacks and get violently ill. I have always been a nudist and an artist. Aesthetically I find the human body intriguing but the thought of having sex well that triggers what i mentioned above.  My mother was afraid i was gay because i  did not chase girls like my brothers so she sent me to a battery of sex education and health education groups mostly run by the church . It made things worse for sure. I later learned my hormones were very different than others my male hormones were extremely low and my female hormones were equal to my male hormones which translates to roughly neither am i really male or female and no i am not a hermaphrodite either. I became close friends with and grew to love a female which i married and even though the odds were against it we did have a boy though he was handicapped (but that is not important). I can force myself to please my wife but I pay a fairly heavy price for it. Ironically I have spent a period in jail as a sex offender for something someone else did but won't admit too. (but he will be in prison now for the remainder of his life it seems  karma really exists.  While I am comfortable with who I am  personally I wish I could learn how to enjoy sex just once for my wife's sake. open to suggestions.

Wow, terrible story @john e. resler!

but back to trying to look forward. So you have issues, that make you cringe about sex, but you would like to be able to enjoy it for the sake of your wife. Nice and good starting point. You want to try to meet her needs, but in a way where you are not losing yourself in the attempt. 

Perhaps trying to change your mindset about it could help. Instead of thinking 'this is sex=me no like' try to think 'this is a massage, a stimulation of a part of the body. It may lead to some degree of stress relief.' If she was in pain, would you massage her neck?  I do not know you enough and perhaps this is a silly advice, but my experience is that sometimes removing 'the magic' about sex, can make it more easy to digest?

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john e. resler

again I thank-you for your suggestion I am not totally sure how to do what you suggest.  Especially when my wife finds comfort in telling me about all her "female issues",that call up all the gross images and thoughts that make having sex repulsive. I would love to learn how to do what you suggest. I would also like to advise people stop telling your intended partner about your personal and often gross issues that you have. It could have very adverse effects in the bedroom instead of creating the closeness you think it might.  Save the issues for your bff's that you are not sleeping with. 

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john e. resler
On 8/15/2017 at 2:00 AM, Jenna444 said:

Hi! Wow, I'm so sorry that the church thing made it worse. I can only imagine what went on. That stuff really angers me, like the churches could teach manners, kindness, giving, integrity, etc but what are they wasting time and money on? Sex. *facepalm*

 

I have no experience with situations like this, but I'm curious if your wife knows how you feel about all of this? Either way, welcome! 😊

 

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john e. resler

my wife knows and her sadness is that i cannot draw the pleasure she experiences from me even though my efforts to please her often ends with me getting physically ill.

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Again, I'm no expert, but it doesn't sound like she's trying to understand your place. It's obviously not an easy situation for either of you, but it seems like she could be more sensitive to your issues. I might be all wrong here, but if she's not willing to put herself in your place and work with you on a compromise.... it might be time to peacefully part ways. You are important too. If you get physically ill by the activities she wants, you shouldn't have to feel guilty or ashamed. And if she's more concerned about her own pleasure and sharing personal information that makes you uncomfortable, instead of trying to empathize and help find a solution... something is amiss. Just my two cents.

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On 19/9/2017 at 11:08 PM, john e. resler said:

again I thank-you for your suggestion I am not totally sure how to do what you suggest.  Especially when my wife finds comfort in telling me about all her "female issues",that call up all the gross images and thoughts that make having sex repulsive. I would love to learn how to do what you suggest. I would also like to advise people stop telling your intended partner about your personal and often gross issues that you have. It could have very adverse effects in the bedroom instead of creating the closeness you think it might.  Save the issues for your bff's that you are not sleeping with. 

I know what you mean! it just helped my ace-wife, when I stopped trying to play the sex game of teasing, touching, foreplaying, telling her how she was sexy...  it backfired and took me further away from getting sex. It made her stress and worry about how she was supposed to react to something which she was a bit uncomfortable with. We have some agreements now and I just tell her, (only on scheduled days) that I feel like sex. She then replies ok or not today. Removing some of the stress, can also remove some of the discomfort. Well, for her, anyways! 

I think sex today is more of an agreed upon massage done out of love. But sometimes the mere thought about sex makes her cringe and me wiggle my tail.

doesnt make us have an easygoing sex life, but removes some obstacles

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john e. resler

thank you for your kind thoughts i wish more people would be willing to talk about it rather than judge me as a freak or pervert . and that is in front of my wife too. just because i draw nude women and men does not mean i want to have sex with them and thats when they get nasty about who i am. and how weird they think that is.

 

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4 hours ago, john e. resler said:

just because i draw nude women and men does not mean i want to have sex with them and thats when they get nasty about who i am. and how weird they think that is.

 

Having worked as a nude art model, I am having some trouble comprehending why anyone thinks that's weird. Art students have to draw the naked human form, and it's not like there's any sexual overtones to that (if there were, I wouldn't be in the business). So why is it weird to have nude people as a subject? I don't get it. I've definitely had a lot of people be on some level shocked when I say I model for art classes, so I'm certainly not doubting that you get crazy reactions just... people are really strange.

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I agree @weijiangling, it's like they can't see the wood for the trees. Always getting the wrong end of the stick and being led by sex. As usual. That sets us apart so much. There's something so immature about looking at a Greco-Roman statue and giggling.

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6 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

I agree @weijiangling, it's like they can't see the wood for the trees. Always getting the wrong end of the stick and being led by sex. As usual. That sets us apart so much. There's something so immature about looking at a Greco-Roman statue and giggling.

I can understand that reaction from kids, or people seeing those statues for the first time. There's a certain shock value there, since society at large is so anti-nudity in general, and laughing is one of those not-quite-conscious embarrassed responses. But you're right that I really understand if it continues past that initial reaction. And generally among anyone who likes art enough to have taken actual art classes, it doesn't--they just get used to it. But I guess that doesn't hold true for everyone else.

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john e. resler

it is good to see others at-least trying to understand my situation. Caught between desire to be normal and repulsion to a key part of being normal. It  has

had one benefit it drives my other passions such as art and writing. thank-you for your understanding and not judging

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I am so sorry for all that you've gone through, particularly for going to jail for something that you didnt do! Absolutely horrific.

 

I spent time being sexual as an asexual and I never did learn to actually enjoy it.

 

There are people on Aven that are in relationships with sexuals, but I think they frequent other sub-forums... I am not on here a lot so actually there may even be another forum for this. Anyhoo it may be worth checking out.

 

 

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john e. resler

it hasn't been easy but life seldom is as far as going to jail is concerned the authorities are aware and have been for a long time but nothing can be done unless the actual offender will come forward and clear my name by admitting what really happened which isn't going to happen but on the plus side he is now in prison for life essentially. And somehow there is some justice in that for me. I tried to help him when he was in trouble and this was how he paid me back and now karma has his balls locked up for a very long time. but thankyou for being so thoughtful and i will do that research.

 

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john e. resler

life is not fair and no one has it easy but if you are willing to follow the words of Churchill then it will get better"when you find yourself in hell keep moving forward" thank you

 

 

 

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On 9/18/2017 at 2:15 PM, MrDane said:

Perhaps trying to change your mindset about it could help. Instead of thinking 'this is sex=me no like' try to think 'this is a massage, a stimulation of a part of the body. It may lead to some degree of stress relief.

@john e. resler I have been married for 14 years to a very sexual man and have had a rough go of it, as many on this sight have. But we just got a book called "I fell in love with an asexual" I recommend the read, though I certainly don't recommend all of the advice (and the author's biography at the beginning is quite long, we skipped about half of it)

 

My biggest advice is: the issues won't go away by ignoring them. 

Good luck.

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On 8/14/2017 at 11:07 PM, john e. resler said:

I have always been asexual even before i knew what this was I knew I was different from everybody I knew.  First I did not find sexual situations comfortable in-fact  every time i was faced with a sexual situation i would experience panic attacks and get violently ill. I have always been a nudist and an artist. Aesthetically I find the human body intriguing but the thought of having sex well that triggers what i mentioned above.  My mother was afraid i was gay because i  did not chase girls like my brothers so she sent me to a battery of sex education and health education groups mostly run by the church . It made things worse for sure. I later learned my hormones were very different than others my male hormones were extremely low and my female hormones were equal to my male hormones which translates to roughly neither am i really male or female and no i am not a hermaphrodite either. I became close friends with and grew to love a female which i married and even though the odds were against it we did have a boy though he was handicapped (but that is not important). I can force myself to please my wife but I pay a fairly heavy price for it. Ironically I have spent a period in jail as a sex offender for something someone else did but won't admit too. (but he will be in prison now for the remainder of his life it seems  karma really exists.  While I am comfortable with who I am  personally I wish I could learn how to enjoy sex just once for my wife's sake. open to suggestions.

Belated welcome to AVEN. It wasn't until I was 44 and I only once that I had the prospect of sex in my face. A female 'friend' asked me if I could see the two of having sex. I couldn't and said no. It wasn't a physical problem it was more of a fear of having her in my 'personal space'. It was about four later that I found out about asexuality and AVEN. Everything made sense then.

 

Also, it's nice to here from a fellow nudist. I spend a few afternoons each year at Hanlan's Beach in Toronto, Ontario.  

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john e. resler

ignoring the issues is never an option to the things that happen to us but confronting those issues that were created over 50 years ago is next to impossible. After all the parties who created these issues were twenty to thirty years older than me and have long been laid to rest. the only solace is they were trying to help fix me but they never realized i was not broken just busy with other interests. thank-you

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john e. resler
On 10/13/2017 at 10:35 PM, will123 said:

Belated welcome to AVEN. It wasn't until I was 44 and I only once that I had the prospect of sex in my face. A female 'friend' asked me if I could see the two of having sex. I couldn't and said no. It wasn't a physical problem it was more of a fear of having her in my 'personal space'. It was about four later that I found out about asexuality and AVEN. Everything made sense then.

 

Also, it's nice to here from a fellow nudist. I spend a few afternoons each year at Hanlan's Beach in Toronto, Ontario.  

when i was at Gunnison beach and at the beaches in Germany,I found them very welcoming because social nudity  has nothing to do with sex and if sex begins to be an issues the person trying to make sexual is asked to leave and if they do not they are removed.

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On 10/15/2017 at 6:21 PM, john e. resler said:

when i was at Gunnison beach and at the beaches in Germany,I found them very welcoming because social nudity  has nothing to do with sex and if sex begins to be an issues the person trying to make sexual is asked to leave and if they do not they are removed.

Exactly. Just a nice spot to wander around without a care in the world.

 

Actually early and late season at Hanlan's when there's the possibility of being on the beach solo gives a 'desert island' vibe.

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john e. resler

i need to get a passport so i can check it out

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8 hours ago, john e. resler said:

i need to get a passport so i can check it out

It's a very accessible destination and the whole island (mostly parkland) is very cool to visit.

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