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AssassinBabs

Help needed

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AssassinBabs

Hello,

 

I hope I post this in the right topic.. but I have a problem and need some help, your opions will be taken seriously!

 

For starters next thuesday I have a therapysession, in group where I have to talk about things that were triggering to me in the past week. And well friday late at night I had a personal crisis. Searching on the internet about Asexual, a good friend of mine (who is gay) said he wasn't suprised that I said I am doubting if I might be Asexual, so I wanted to learn more about it. And in my search I found some sites who were written by sexologists, and that actually freaked me out. Just reading all that stuff about it, some treatments they provided I couldn't help but shiver in fear. My destructive voice came and tolled me to get rid of the feeling by selfharm.  I didn't listen to that voice and called someone from the hospital (where I follow the DBT), in the end no self harm was done. But because I felt the urge to harm my self I have to discuss this in therapie. "Things that kill, must be handled first" rule of our DBT.

 

Now comes my problem, I can't discuss this topic. Okay I am able to, but it takes a huge toll of me. I find it very hard to pronounce words like kissing or words for other intimmite acts. I am ashamed of myself, that I haven't done things in that earia, and feel no disire to do so. Everybody of my therapygroup has done it, and talks about it. I feel like a cat in a pack of dogs, like I am diferent. And it is not helping that my therapist is a man, talking about very akward! But I have to talk about it... Does any one have an idea how to deal with this? What to say? 

 

I discussed it once in therapy, and my group was flabbergasted that I didn't feel those things. So jeay I am a cat in a pack of dogs... 

help me, please!

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lux aeterna

Hey!

For others: DBT means "Dialectical Behavior Therapy" and is used for Borderline-therapy. I worked in a psychiatric hospital in the social services department and some of my colleagues worked with psychologists in a therapygroup like you described it. Maybe you can switch to a group with a female therapist? Or else, do you have another person that is invloved and that you can trust? Maybe you can talk with that person to prepare for your "confession" in the group, so everyone is mentally prepared for what are you going to tell and just after you tell, people can ask questions and you answer them, but than the group switches to another topic, so the spotlight is not on you anymore. Maybe also you could have a private talk with a therapist and not in the group at all. I understand that it's complicated to talk about it, I didn't have a coming-out myself yet, because I worry my friends will react like your group did; I only have friends who experience sexual desire. If the pressure is too much, don't talk about it yet. Nobody can force you to do so. You work together in a group, but everyone has to develop at his or her own terms.

Hugs xx

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roland.o

Hello and welcome, AssassinBabs. Every site you read about treatment of asexuality was crap. It's a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality or homosexuality. There is no treatment that turns one into the other. Neither is there a treatment that turns asexuals into sexuals. Those sexologists whose sites you read are simply trapped in their narrow view of the world. I wish I could say it was medieval, but unfortunately it is not. Don't let anyone treat you against asexuality. If that's how you feel, then that's what you are.

 

48 minutes ago, AssassinBabs said:

I find it very hard to pronounce words like kissing or words for other intimmite acts.

How about general terms, like "intimate acts"? Or could you use metaphors that you're comfortable with? Scientific terms that aren't used when talking casually?

Those are just ideas, in case you decide to raise the topic. I whole-heartedly agree with lux aeterna's advice above. If you don't want to discuss this in your group, then don't. Find another setting in which you are more comfortable instead.

 

Don't be ashamed for not having done anything in that area. If it helps, I'm 47 and haven't gone beyond kissing yet. Granted, I had a hard time not considering myself broken because of it. But I'm not, and neither are you.

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lux aeterna
4 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome, AssassinBabs. Every site you read about treatment of asexuality was crap. It's a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality or homosexuality. There is no treatment that turns one into the other. Neither is there a treatment that turns asexuals into sexuals. Those sexologists whose sites you read are simply trapped in their narrow view of the world. I wish I could say it was medieval, but unfortunately it is not. Don't let anyone treat you against asexuality. If that's how you feel, then that's what you are.

 

How about general terms, like "intimate acts"? Or could you use metaphors that you're comfortable with? Scientific terms that aren't used when talking casually?

Those are just ideas, in case you decide to raise the topic. I whole-heartedly agree with lux aeterna's advice above. If you don't want to discuss this in your group, then don't. Find another setting in which you are more comfortable instead.

 

Don't be ashamed for not having done anything in that area. If it helps, I'm 47 and haven't gone beyond kissing yet. Granted, I had a hard time not considering myself broken because of it. But I'm not, and neither are you.

"I had a hard time not considering myself broken because of it. But I'm not and neither are you." <3! Nobody of us is broken in any way. It is so so important for general happiness in life that you are content with who you are and that it is okay who you are; don't care what any weird guy says about your sexuality being abnormal. I understand your struggle with it, it took me ten years to coness to myself that I'm asexual and even worse, I thought I need to do something against it and engaged in sexual relationships. I studied in the Netherlands so I'm fluent in Dutch und I can look up some synonyms for you, it's actually a good idea from roland.o to use words you are comfortable with, when the time is right.

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lux aeterna

So, I will try my best with dutch synonyms regarding sexuality: ***dutch ahead***

 

"strikt persoonlijke relaties"

"intieme handelingen"

"vast en lang omarmen"

"meer als (dan? - dat wist ik nog nooit) knuffelen"

"het raakt mij niet met iemand intiem te zijn"

 

Ik hoop het helpt een beetje!

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Deus Ex Infinity
56 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome, AssassinBabs. Every site you read about treatment of asexuality was crap. It's a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality or homosexuality. There is no treatment that turns one into the other. Neither is there a treatment that turns asexuals into sexuals. Those sexologists whose sites you read are simply trapped in their narrow view of the world. I wish I could say it was medieval, but unfortunately it is not. Don't let anyone treat you against asexuality. If that's how you feel, then that's what you are.

 

How about general terms, like "intimate acts"? Or could you use metaphors that you're comfortable with? Scientific terms that aren't used when talking casually?

Those are just ideas, in case you decide to raise the topic. I whole-heartedly agree with lux aeterna's advice above. If you don't want to discuss this in your group, then don't. Find another setting in which you are more comfortable instead.

 

Don't be ashamed for not having done anything in that area.

I'd also like to agree on the previous given advise of @lux aeterna and @roland.o. No one should actually pressure or force you to talk or express things you don't want to since anything that might freak you out won't help to improve your therapy for sure. If your doctor/therapist is professional he should encourage or at least accept your attempt to participate through using general terms or metaphors when asking you to talk about delicate topics but he shouldn't even push you into this whole thing at all from my point of view. If he still does, he might not be the right person for the treatment. Maybe you should consider leaving the group to find something else that might be of more use to your personal needs and current situation. However, I hope that things will get better for you soon.

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AssassinBabs
3 hours ago, lux aeterna said:

So, I will try my best with dutch synonyms regarding sexuality: ***dutch ahead***

 

"strikt persoonlijke relaties"

"intieme handelingen"

"vast en lang omarmen"

"meer als (dan? - dat wist ik nog nooit) knuffelen" (meer dan)

"het raakt mij niet met iemand intiem te zijn"

 

Ik hoop het helpt een beetje!

Lux aeterna: I am grateful for your help! The second one (Translation: intimate acts) is actually one I already use on a other forum, in relation to my self harm. In the quote I wrote which it should be, hahah but I like it that you tried to come up with some synonyms! Although the last one doesn't fit well with who I am. (Translation: It doesn't hurt (emotionally) me to be intimate with someone...) You probably meant something like: I don't have the desire to be intimate with someone? If it should be the latter than I get what you mean, and that is something I could use indeed. It does hurt(emotionally) when I see other people react intimate with each other. I feel somewhat disgusted when I see it...  

 

Thanks everybody! You are all so sweet! 

It is true that non of us are broken, I thought I was until I did some research about asexualtity.

And even tough I consider myself an asexual person, for like 3 days, I know now that it is who/what I am it fits to damn well. 

I don't believe it is something that can be fixed with therapy, such as my borderline... It is something you can learn to live with, but not be cured. 

 

He isn't the wright therapist for me, that is very clear. We are like fire and water, not so good friends with each other. But I can't switch out my therapist even if I wanted to, and if I quit the therapy, I would have to search and wait for a new one. And those waiting lists are enormous, it took me 1,5 year to actually get therapy. Besides I only have to endure another 6 weeks, and than I am done with this therapy. We have a co-therapist who is a woman, but she is a psychiatrist in training. And if she takes the lead the other therapist (man) will take over, because he has questions to and to help direct the psychiatrist in training.

 

Sadly it has to be discussed at therapy, we have a rule/guideline; things that can kill, most be discussed first. And since the crisis I found myself in and the urge to harm myself again was sky high, they will ask what triggerd the crisis? And I can't say it came out of nowhere! But I think I am ready to confront my fears. It has happened before that I talked about something just like this, I already tolled the group once that I don't feel attracted to intimate relationships. I think as long as I can use the synonyms I should be fine. I wrote something similar in my online diary on that other forum, saying I have to say something in therapy which I feel not comfortable about. 2 friends of mine, who I know from that forum, answered quit similar like all of you did. They also said that they can't force me to talk about that, and that I should protect my limit's/boundaries. One asked what I was ashamed off? And that made me think. Should I be ashamed that I feel like I am an asexual? NO! And if they ask; why I feel disgusted with and have none interest in intimate action? Then I'll simply ask them: Why is the sky blue? Why is snow white? There is no knowing in why I feel that way, it just does. Just like whiteness of snow. So what is my problem anyway? If I feel like it is who I am, then shouldn't I be afraid or ashamed of it!  

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lux aeterna

That is a really strong piece you wrote there :)

And you are right, I meant "I don't have the desire to be someone" - I already notice my language skills are fading away since I finished my studies *oops

Maybe your feeling of disgust when you see people being intimitate could also be a part of your borderline, because as far as I know it can be difficult to find a balance between closeness and distance. That is just an idea from my experience, no professional advice.

Let us know how your therapy went! Keep your head up and take care xx

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Wayfarer

@AssassinBabs

I hope you find a way to talk about it in your session. I had a lot of difficulty with using any of 'those' words as well, also due to high repulsion. I think I dealt with it by using roundabout descriptions, and even years later (after some improvement) there are still words I can't say. It feels a bit awkward to talk around it, but it is doable. I am Dutch too, so if you ever want to talk about more specific situations and words, feel free to shoot me a pm!

I don't think I can offer any more general advice that hasn't been offered before. Either way, just remember that even if the people in the group don't get where you're coming from, many of us online or around the world do. So you're not broken, or alone in what you're experiencing, and here on AVEN you can usually find someone who can relate to what you're going through (or aspects of it anyway, as no two people will be exactly the same). Good luck in your session :):cake:

 

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AssassinBabs

Therapy was managable, akthough I started dissiocering when it was almost my time to speak.. A little tense I think, tension makes me dissociate.

I began by the beginning, the talk I had with a good friend of mine on thursday. And that I tolled him I didn't know if I was hetro/lesbi/bi or asexual, and that he said that he wasn't suprised that I thought I was asexual. He knows me for a very long time, and is homo himself so jeay he knows a bit about it. My therapist wounderd why I was thinking in labels... and how it came that my friend wouldn't be suprised if I said that I am an ace. So I tolled them that the person who said it was homo himself and knows me for a long time. Once I said that I got into a crisis because i read some words which triggered me, my therapist and group where like; then why do you search on it? If you knows it triggers you... So I explained that I wasn't searching those specific words, that it was mainly the asexual part I was looking into. As if I knew it would be triggering to read an explaination of a site from a sexologist... I used the term intimate acts, and I needed to contain a snicker, imidiatly I thought of you guy's. But it worked I didn't need to say which acts I read where triggering, my therapist did say them but that was okay. I was even able to say that kissing would already be to much for me, okay there was an akward silance before I said it but still I was able to! He was quit dumbfolded when I said that I believed that I am an ace. I explained a little what it means, that I dont have the pull to wards sexual behavior. Then someone of my group said; maybe not now, but if you find someone special maybe you do. That's the only time I kept my mouth shut, I could tell her and my therapist (who believed the same thing as her) that it wasn't the case but I don't think they understand it. My therapist asked again if I would call myself an ace or just someone who doesn't have the desire for sexual aspects? I then explained that it was the same for me, and yes I would call myself an ace. He didn't agree with my statement, ofcourse, there was a differance. I know what he meant to say; Don't let yourself be boxed into some label.. At that I said that I didn't mind to wear the label ace, it gave me so much more peace knowing that I wasn't broken or something. That my past didn't broke me down, and that that is the reason why I don't want to or can't handle it. Than ofcourse he asked if I thought that before? Yes I did, I realy believed that my past damaged me so badly that I wasn't able to be kissed by someone. (Before I could say the word kissing, I was quiet for a specific time, damn I hate to pronounce those words!) And that I found peace now in knowing it wasn't just my past. That it is okay for me to be an ace, that it explains so much of my actions and thoughts. He was glad for me that I could accept myself as an ace, and stated that there has been a grow in finding myself, my identity. And I couldn't agree with him more. I even tolled about this forum and how it helped me not to feel lonely with this, that was/am gratefull to have a place to talk about it. They know how I find it comforting to join a forum for people with the same 'issues' (okay issues is not the wright word, but I couldn't find a better one.) as they also know about me beeing on a self harm forum, which is by the way only to stimulate and support each other to not use self harm. 

 

At the end my therapist asked if I could say the same thing aboud my self harm, that I don't need it and that I would quit it. Just like I don't need sexual intimatecy.  I said that I couldn't say it like that jet. Yes I believe that I can controle my emotions, or better said I can controle the urge which comes from the emotions, but not the emotions self. But saying I am quitting it is just to much asked for now. I don't give in to the urge and am stil stretching the time between the times it happens. That's a save way for me to quit with it, if it just fades out of my life. If I say I quit, and I get a relapse than I would be angry at myself and disapointed, which ingreeses the chance that I will be harming myself frequently. Mweh, a little side note. But still about my therapy session.

 

Once again, thank you all for reading, and comming up with solutions!

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