98slbrookes98

"I want to stay single" - The truth or a convenient thing to say?

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98slbrookes98   
98slbrookes98

Hi,

 

To cut a long story short I'm a 30 year old woman who has always identified as asexual and homoromantic. I know I'm not aromantic, lithromantic or hetroromantic as I am capable of falling in love with women and have done quite a few times. I also know that although I haven't fully ruled out the possibility that I might be biromantic, I hate the idea of kissing a man on the lips or falling asleep next to a man in the same bed though I'm happy to do both with a woman. I don't mind a friendly hug from a man but even a peck on the cheek (unless it's a family member or a woman) freaks me out. The other day a guy I happened to know quite well as an acquaintance went to kiss me on the cheek and I automatically moved back - I later apologised and parted on good terms but I think he got the message but he was from another culture so....

 

I live in England with my mom and my dad and stepfamily live in India. As I'm born and raised in England everyone including myself is in agreement that it is better for me to live here and only go to India for holiday. Between the ages of 9 and 21 I was in unrequited love with a straight best friend - we went to different secondary schools but I still loved her and only moved on at 21. I remember being very frustrated that I was forced to hide my romantic passion for her because of my stupid culture. I initially attempted to tell her back at primary school but she freaked out. I eventually told her when I was 18, treading carefully because she had a boyfriend at that time. At 21 I finally moved on. At primary school I was happy because I was able to see her at school every day - just seeing her and spending time with her made me happy. I didn't expect reciprocation unless she could reciprocate. I didn't tell my parents until I was 12 and I only told them then because I was bullied over it and wanted the bullying to stop. I was devastated when as a teenager I realised that my stepfamily (whom I have a strong passionate love for) lived in a homophobic country (India) - believed it impossible that they could ever know the truth. My dad returned to India permanently with my full permission when I was 16.

 

At 22 I joined an online virtual game called Second Life - I found it after I appealed to God to let me start life over under a new identity. My decision to roleplay a man on Second Life was almost instantaneous. I thereby "forced" the majority of men to leave me alone and "forced" everyone on Second Life to accept I love women and only women romantically. I always knew I wanted to be in the man's role romantically and I soon found I enjoyed being in the man's role socially too - calling the men mate/buddy/bro, high five, roleplaying the gentleman, charming the women - heavenly. Even if a gay man showed an interest a simple and completely truthful "sorry I love women" and he backed off. As an added bonus most people on Second Life even accept my asexuality. I openly wear the asexual group tag on SL. Between 22 and 24 I again fell in unrequited love with a best friend. This time on Second Life. Strangely enough the SL best friend reminded me of the rl best friend in both looks and personality (though I know they are not the same person). Second time round I was more confident as I was roleplaying a man and a man falling for a woman whether reciprocated or not is universally understood. I told her I had different identities in Second Life and real life but not what it meant though had she asked me straight out if I were really female I would have confirmed this and bound her to secrecy.

 

At 24 I started dating on Second Life under her advice. Had 16 romantic relationships in four years. Some women I fell in  love with, others I grew to love. Some I met at a dating agency and others while exploring Second Life. I think girlfriends 2, 4 and 8 were the strongest relationships. One or two broke up with me due to still being in love with their ex or due to too different a time zone. One fell ill and left after getting better though we were practically SL soulmates so we both thought. In another case I ended the dating trial on her behalf as she couldn't cope with the lack of sex in our relationship. In another case my girlfriend's rl husband got another job and moved to the countryside and in her country thee was only internet access in the city so we were forced to finish with each other - our last day being bittersweet. It was wonderful. On my dating notecard I left my true gender blank and admitted at the end of the card that I had different identities in Second Life and real life though only two or three of my girlfriends worked out my true gender. One didn't mind despite being straight in rl though I gave her full permission to tell her real life husband though she said there was no need.  The others I think were bisexual so didn't mind. At 28, my best friend returned to SL after a few months absence. I had by this point accepted that she would probably never reciprocate but when I saw her again I fell for her again but covered it by saying that no matter what happened,  I would always be her best friend.

 

To my surprise she said we could start as best friends and see what happened. I gave her my dating notecard and came out to her as asexual but she never asked me my true gender so I didn't tell her. We had a brief romantic relationship which she unexpectedly ended a few weeks later because she had made a mistake and her heart wasn't in it. She sadly ended our friendship too and cut all ties leaving me heartbroken but with some emotional support from a good male friend and an ex girlfriend (now best friend) I slowly got over it. At the moment I'm single on SL due to a busy rl. At 26 God finally granted me my wish when my mom told my dad that I identify as asexual and homoromantic in an email after seeing how much stress I was under due to covering it up. My dad, stepmother and stepsister all accepted it though my stepmother suggested I tell people in India I want to stay single and I agreed as it's better than pretending I love men when I don't. I often think my dad forgets my true sexuality because in conversation my dad sometimes still acts as though I'm heterosexual but I try to overlook it as I love my dad and my dad is over 60. In rl putting aside the one case of unrequited love I've always been single. I have slowly over time come to enjoy the freedom of being single. I've done lots of volunteering and been in and out of temp work but am yet to get a permanent job.

 

During my India visits I say I want to be single just to be on the safe side as I know I'm not free to admit the truth. Also being single is something everyone can understand though I tend to get anxious or irritated when my dad says that people in India often ask why I'm not married yet (rolls eyes) - ironicaly it's the very fault of those people who ask that question because if they and their stupid culture could  accept my orientation and I was free to be out and proud I probably wouldn't feel the need to stay single indefinitely despite enjoying the freedom of it on a day to day basis. Luckily my dad tells them that it's my life and I have a right to do what I like which I am very grateful for. However, I must admit the reality of 40 hour workweek is fast putting me off romantic relationships anyway - after all assuming I'll get home about 6 or 6.30 I'll barely have 3 or 4 hours free time before I have to sleep anyway - better off spending that time alone. Also the idea of being away from a friend or a lover for hours at a time while I'm at work (Second life doesn't count) is not very appealing. Then there is the fact that there is plenty I enjoy doing - weekly half hour skype to my dad and stepfamily, watching something with my mom, watching something on my own, friendships/romantic relationships on Second Life, reading, Facebook games, hobby/studying something interesting part time when I can afford it, following my favourite soap storylines - Ill have enough difficulty fitting that around work, housework and news not to mention having a responsibility to look after my mom when she's older so sometimes I think single is the most practical solution.

 

I'm usually content in my daily routine but often get unhappy when reminded about India's inability to accept my orientation thus forcing me to stay single in the real world indefinitely anyway :( I also worry that because I'm a woman some strange man will put pressure on me to be in a relationship when I don't want to. :( 

 

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Robin29   
Robin29

It sounds to me that you're not happy staying single. The idea seems to bother you or you wouldn't have written this post. Or maybe it's the lack of choice you seem to have? The situation is troubling.

 

I'm happier single. I fulfill my 'romantic' needs with meals out with close friends, or date like activities like cinema or theatre.

 

I think you should try for happiness, but be discreet while visiting India. For example when mentioning my best friends marriage, I don't gender them, and try to use neutral terms, like partner or nicknames.

 

However it's your life, and up to you how much you're willing to risk.

 

Good luck and *hug* because I think you need one.

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Homer   
Homer

There are a lot of people who are totally fine and happy with being single (*waves*). Yet that's totally different from making up a story just to be left alone in a social situation. I can see why that would be frustrating, but that has precisely nothing to do with "convenience". It's pretty clear that you would very much like to be in an official homoromantic relationship and you most certainly would be if it weren't for some cultural barriers. Totally different ballgame.

 

Personally I don't see any benefit in having a romantic relationship and yes, I'm happy the way things are.

 

Is Second Life still a thing?

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98slbrookes98   
98slbrookes98

Yes SL is very much a thing - I'm only staying single on it at the moment because I'm a bit tied up in the real world - I also have my India trip in November and don't want to leave my girlfriend hanging so waiting until after New Year. Thanks for the hug. :)

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borkfork   
borkfork

I believe people when they say they want to be single, usually. It depends on how well I know that person. I'm a relationship person, but I know I need to be OK being single.

 

Either way, you need to learn to be happy being single, not part of a unit, or you will bring that disfunction into your romantic relationship(s). Being dependent on another person for happiness and fulfillment is never a good idea. :cake:

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98slbrookes98   
98slbrookes98
9 minutes ago, borkfork said:

I believe people when they say they want to be single, usually. It depends on how well I know that person. I'm a relationship person, but I know I need to be OK being single.

 

Either way, you need to learn to be happy being single, not part of a unit, or you will bring that disfunction into your romantic relationship(s). Being dependent on another person for happiness and fulfillment is never a good idea:cake:

I definitely agree with that. :)

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FictoVore.   
FictoVore.
2 hours ago, Homer said:

Is second Life still a thing?

I'd never even heard of it until last night when I was looking at onlone chat rooms. I almost tried it but then it came to the part where you choose an avatar and they were all pretty meh. Why would I go and meet people using a meh animated avatar when they don't at all represent how I look? At least give me one with giant boobage!! Haha. So I gave up on second life pretty fast. Then I come on AVEN this morning and see second life being mentioned not 8 hours later, it's weird how things work like that!

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Busrider   
Busrider
2 hours ago, Homer said:

Is Second Life still a thing?

YES! 

Spoiler

 

  • "It is subject of permanent improvement."
  • It surely didn't develop, as Linden Lab hoped it would.
  • The wider public probably lost interest in it and it isn't really possible to get RL business relevant benefits out of it.

Feel free to consider it "a cake cutting flintstone knife". It is amazing to see how running it on latest and greatest hardware doesn't get the ancient code flying and how user created less than optimal content slows things down. - PvP video gaming activity communities seem shrinking in SL. Nonetheless SL became accessible on quite unspectacular hardware too. It's key function to serve as a socializing crutch and affordable pastime is unbroken. 

If you only need a virtual toy train table for your creations, there are cheaper knockoffs. But to develop relationships to people you 'll never meet SL is great. I also enjoy the live music scene there a lot.

 

@98slbrookes98 Truth? What is that at all? - What a bystander can see or otherwise perceive? Or the core of your motivations thinking & feeling? Keeping a secret and telling the truth can be done at once in some cases.

You seemed complying with your family's demands. "I want to stay single go home close the door between myself and the world and get online" is a truth I am feeling able to tell my RL folks. I don't like telling them that I spend quite a lot of time in Second Life (I don't mention AVEN either). SL has an addiction value and I don't hawk quality drugs among school kids either. + The avatars I use don't resemble RL me. 

Many RL married folks have counterweight SL relationships and consider that less &/ "not at all" cheating, compared to seeking such with a touchable RL person. 

So fueling romantic needs via SL doesn't exclude wanting to stay single. It could even be the reason for that. 

 

Its your turn to come up with a solution for your RL. Can you get economically independent enough to live with a girl of your dreams? - Could you break up with your family in case they don't accept you partnering / gay-marrying her?

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Busrider   
Busrider

@FictoVore. "giant boobage" can be bought for SL avatars. I am just not sure if they'll meet your great looks in the end. @Homer I haven't seen an adult avatar for you, but I ran across a free baby elephant a couple of years ago.

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FictoVore.   
FictoVore.
23 minutes ago, Busrider said:

@FictoVore. "giant boobage" can be bought for SL avatars.

Damn it's a sad day when someone with a chest the size of mine has to buy bigger boobs :P

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Saesha   
Saesha

Pfft Second Life is still around? 😂

 

I'm Indian and grew up with the whole South Asian family and mindset so I empathise with your situation(I'm surprised from your situation they seem to leave you alone when you say you want to be single cause my Indian aunties are like a machine gun of questions and denial if I say that.).

 

Like others said and I agree with them but you don't sound happy and if you're not happy those things tend to carry across into relationships and tend to drag your partner down as well. As for single life I'm perfectly ok with it. I've been in 4 relationships (2 guys and 2 girls) and they were stressful.

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98slbrookes98   
98slbrookes98
7 hours ago, Saesha said:

Pfft Second Life is still around? 😂

 

I'm Indian and grew up with the whole South Asian family and mindset so I empathise with your situation(I'm surprised from your situation they seem to leave you alone when you say you want to be single cause my Indian aunties are like a machine gun of questions and denial if I say that.).

 

Like others said and I agree with them but you don't sound happy and if you're not happy those things tend to carry across into relationships and tend to drag your partner down as well. As for single life I'm perfectly ok with it. I've been in 4 relationships (2 guys and 2 girls) and they were stressful.

 

 

Luckily for me I live in England and my dad and stepfamily are understanding for the most part. It's true that many people in India often ask dad why I don't marry but luckily for me my dad asks them to leave me alone for which I'm thankful but so far on my visits nobody's said anything when I've said I want to stay single and also I don't see how anyone could object to that especially as I actually live in a different country.

 

Yes Second Life is still round luckily so at least I can still have romantic relationships on there under my male avatar if  I want to.

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Just like Jughead   
Just like Jughead

It's the truth for me. If it was for convenience I would say I wish I wasn't single but I just can't seem to find the right person. I personally feel the asexual community overemphasizes people being in relationships. Choosing to stay single is legitimate choice for anyone's life, no matter their orientation, or lack of one. 

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Homer   
Homer
21 hours ago, Just like Jughead said:

I personally feel the asexual community overemphasizes people being in relationships. Choosing to stay single is legitimate choice for anyone's life, no matter their orientation, or lack of one. 

I don't think it's a community-related issue. Most people want to be in a relationship, no matter whether they are asexual or not. Aromantic asexuals are a minority within the minority. It's only natural that things like compatibility issues will be discussed on here - and any longing for a romantic relationship will stick out to aromantic folks just as much as the average sex life will stick out to asexuals.

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