Federstein

Do any of you like the idea of sex and have a great interest in it, but don't want to have it for yourself?

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Federstein   
Federstein

Although the 'lowest common denominator' definition of asexuality pretty much fits me entirely (no sexual attraction to other people), I've always struggled to get this fact to agree with my interest in sex as a concept. I've always been interested in naked bodies, in different types of fetishes (I don't really have any myself, I just find it interesting), in reading fanfiction that featured a lot of sexual content, and in different ways people act out their different orientations and desires. I'm strongly pro LGBT and the recognition of other forms of living together (like polyamory) because I find it horrendous to dictate people how to live, and to categorize different orientations into good or bad. Of course that's pretty close to the way ace people are being told that not wanting sex is not normal and that the sexualization of everything is the norm. 

 

I do get aroused in some situations, but often I'm not and it's just interest and fascination with the way people act because of sex, and what it can be to them. I'm definitely not sex repulsed in general, but most of the time when it comes to myself being in a sexual situation it is indeed repulsive to me. Does anyone else here feel similar? I feel that it might have something to do with the current discussion about sex repulsion: I know many ace people are either sex repulsed or very indifferent to sex, but are there also any that share this perspective with me?

 

And something I also wonder frequently: Does that make me something else than asexual? I know it's kind of futile question if a definition fits oneself, but sometimes I just feel like doing something wrong, and it could indeed be possible for me to enjoy sex in the way I often see after all.

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cloudy   
cloudy

I definitely relate to this. I like the idea of sexual pleasure and am interested in others sex habits but the second i put myself in the situation it grosses me out. I still identify as asexual because i still dont feel sexual attraction towards other people. You can definitely still be sex positive and supportive and interested in sex and even enjoy having sex on some level and still not feel attraction. I myself am not repulsed by sex in general and find it quite interesting on a biological level but just like you when i put myself in the situation i am repulsed. (Though i do find male genitals pretty icky :blush::lol:)

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé

Yes. 

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Federstein   
Federstein

 

6 minutes ago, Snao Çoñé said:

Yes. 

Cool :) .

 

Okay so I realize now this topic has probably been discussed to death, it's just annoying that it still doesn't really click with me you know? I guess I just have to start reading even more about different ways asexuality can manifest. I just got confused again when I read the discussion about sex repulsion...

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Karacoreable   
Karacoreable

Just to throw an opposing view into the mix... ;)  

 

Personally, I've always found the concept kind of odd. Just really removed from me. I think I'm probably a bit sex repulsed actually, and I kind of wonder whether that isn't a bit tangled up with being ace (in my personal case!), although I know that not every ace is sex repulsed. I mean the main reason you sleep with someone is cos you're attracted to them, right? That's my understanding anyway, imperfect as it is. I guess pleasure would be another reason. But I don't get that feeling of attraction or desire, so then the idea has always just seemed weird. It would never occur to me as something I could do, given I have no particular reason to do it. Presumably to anyone with sex drive it's desirable though.

 

Long story short: since I can't imagine for myself why it would be fun or whatever, I equally lack interest in other people's habits. :) Not that I think it's a bad thing to be interested, it's probably pretty helpful actually. It feels like such a big part of our modern world sometimes.

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé
14 minutes ago, Federstein said:

 

Cool :) .

 

Okay so I realize now this topic has probably been discussed to death, it's just annoying that it still doesn't really click with me you know? I guess I just have to start reading even more about different ways asexuality can manifest. I just got confused again when I read the discussion about sex repulsion...

Sorry if it seemed smartass for me to only say yes. :P I wanted to write more but I'm short on time and this way the thread will show up in my news feed.

 

I'll elaborate later, but I didn't identify with asexuality until my early 30s. I'm not repulsed, but fascinated - just not in a way of participating.

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shinyinternetalpaca   
shinyinternetalpaca

I would say I am generally indifferent to sex. I watch porn, very rarely, but it happens. With sex scenes on TV, I tend not to be interested, but it depends who is on screen. 

There have certainly been times where I have been aroused, but having sex with someone has never crossed my mind. If there is an attractive naked woman, that's great, but I can't imagine myself doing anything other than cuddling and on rare occasions kissing. 

Sexual pleasure with someone looks great, but I just can't picture myself in that situation.

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Nowhere Girl   
Nowhere Girl

Well, kinda yes. I wouldn't say that I "like the idea of sex" in general, but I have third-person fantasies sometimes (f-f or m-m - mentioned just for comparison with the common idea that "gay sex is disgusting and nobody except gay or bisexual men may find it nice") and I generally believe that sexuality is a fascinating topic. (That said, I'm not an enthusiast of sexology, rather of critical "social archeology" a la Foucault*.) At the same time I'm averse to any idea of personally trying sex. It's more than "I don't want to" - I intensely feel like I just couldn't.

 

*Btw, I've borrowed a great new book from the library, but haven't read it yet: "Foucault in Warsaw". In the late 50s Michel Foucault was the first manager of the Center for French Culture at the University of Warsaw, but after spending less than a full year in Poland he had to quickly return to France due to a provocation by the communist secret service. Someone finally managed to find some data in the Institute of National Memory and wrote a report about the Foucault case and about gay life in communist Poland generally. The Polish case is perhaps even more interesting because homosexuality was formally completely legal since 1932, but yet used for provocations and for driving sexual minorities into the underground.

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Federstein   
Federstein

Okay this is indeed off topic but: Wow that's really interesting. I'm a little scared to go too deeply into Foucault's personal life, since I read a few lines online that were kind of frightening :D . I might have to look into that again. But yes, I also think this archeological approach is really interesting, like how privacy has evolved. People used to have sex in the same bed where their children were sleeping with them - what kind of developments led to sex being mostly private today.

 

Btw I also find sex between men appealing.

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé

While Foucault is very difficult to read (I mean, if you prefer sentences of reasonable length) I've gone through most of the History of Sexuality books and found it very interesting. ANYWAY. :D I'm totally on the train of intellectual fascination of sexuality from a social theory perspective.

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chair jockey   
chair jockey

I used to have some interest in the notion of reproductive power (i.e. the politics of testes and ovaries), but there was so much mind-bewildering babble talking the subject to death that sober discussion of it became permanently impossible. And the technical details of recreational sexual activity are a mere red herring in a deceitful political game. As a result the whole topic of sex is a dull dog's breakfast except for those who seek titillation from discussing it, which is sadly the sexual majority of the world's population.

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Triateyal   
Triateyal

Yeah, it's mostly that way for me. Sex sounds awesome in theory, but when the real stuff happens, meh. 

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litanies   
litanies

I also have a fascination with fetishes and sexuality in general :)  But I very very seldom experience actionable attraction.  

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alpha decay   
alpha decay

I guess I'm pretty indifferent to sex in general, but then there are some things about it I find fascinating and some I find highly repulsive, and when it comes to myself, I'm not interested in having sex at all.

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet   
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

I definitely don't want sex. I'm sex repulsed.... I certainly don't like the idea of sex, but I don't hate it either. I think I'm pretty much indifferent towards the idea of sex.

I do find human sexuality fascinating, though.

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Autumn Season   
Autumn Season

Yes, I find sexuality fascinating and see it as a potentially positive thing. I was happily exploring it on a personal level, when I realized that I am asexual.

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Saesha   
Saesha

Yes yes I do. The naked female body is nice to look at, I watch stuff with sex scenes (hell many of the actors I like is because of those), I view porn and I have a libido etc just to try and explore it with someone else irl is ugh. 

 

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Pramana   
Pramana

I have an abstract interest in human sexuality, from the perspectives of evolutionary psychology and social theory. An ironic aspect of becoming involving in the asexual/aromantic community is that I spend far more time reading and writing about sex and romance than I ever did before. It seems kind of analogous to how atheists talk about religion.

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waitamin   
waitamin

Whenever I have pictured myself or have actually been in a sexual position it's always felt strange and like something I didn't want. But as someone above mentioned about fictional characters on tv, it depends on who it is. But it's not the physical bond i'm interested in, it's the mental closeness that catches my eye. Also, I really wish my co-workers/friends would stop talking about their sex life! I don't want to even think about it. 

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Yato   
Yato

My fantasies almost exclusively involve my fetish, and or sometimes relationships. But not having the body I want, and the dysphoric dynamic I'm constantly subjected to. It makes it difficult to picture positively, even in imagination. The idea of melding/becoming part of another person is fascinating to me though. 

 

I fully understand what sex is for people, and the emotional intimacy part of it is. Just when I do it, I am stuck in a state of disassociation no matter what I do. I am at a complete lack of emotional availability for any intimate connection. Thus resulting in sex seeming more like a chore or exercise, than something intimate, deep, and loving 

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé

I think understanding sexual motivations and appeal contributes to better understanding people in general. There are a lot of things I never personally wanted to be a part of (like marriage, parenthood, a church, etc) but I still find interesting to understand, and like to see portrayed well in media I consume. I find sex more interesting than the other things mentioned, and I think because I have no strong feelings against sex like I do against the other examples, I assumed I'd get around to it eventually.

 

While I did get around to having sex eventually, I was just personally underwhelmed and didn't feel into it, no matter how I felt about the other person. I tried it out several times over many years thinking that maybe I'd be in a different place that time and like it more, or maybe this person is better at it and will make it feel good. I like the idea of sex, and I like the idea of me liking thr act of sex (though I also like the idea of me having a hotter bod and knowing more alluring people), but as it stands here in reality, the work leading up to sex is far too much for the completely unthrilling outcome.

 

Regarding the last question in the OP, I had to work my way through this thought process as well when I first started to explore asexuality. Eventually I decided to stick with asexual as a label, because that is how far my sexuality (or lack thereof) concerns other people: not at all. I am open to interesting conversations about sex, but they're not going to inspire me to actually have it. There is just no underlying need or desire for me to actually have sex or express myself sexually towards another person. The real things that have driven me to having sex in the past were either believing I just needed to have sex to feel like a normal sexual person, or for shigs and gittles.

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Laplace   
Laplace

I'm generally indifferent to the whole ordeal. I'm cool with letting people having their own special interests, as long as everything is safe and consensual. Just don't ask me to participate in or understand some of the really weird/unsanitary/painful kinks some people have. 😖😟 I think I could have sex if it was necessary to save the human race/someone's life (it doesn't seem all that bad I guess 🤔🤔🤔), I just don't really actively care about it.

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butterflo   
butterflo

My experience may not be about being interested in the idea of sex as OP posted, but I think this is more broadly related to about being interested in the idea of *insert sth sexual here* in general.

 

I’m interested in visual cues on how people with different sexual orientation gets “turned on”. I won’t go into the details here, but the pattern really fascinates me. Like how some cues are actually common to a lot of people.

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Aarineko   
Aarineko

I read quit a lot of gay erotic novels (I most likely like it so much because as a girl I can't put myself in it ;) ) It goes from college love to BDSM novels ... Still even it's erotic it doesn't really exitate me (maybe just a bit sometime but I have a hard time telling as I don't act on it and when I pay attention it's gone) 

I really don't see myself having sex though ... So it may seem weird for people to think that if they knew I read these kinds of books... 

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lux aeterna   
lux aeterna
On 11.8.2017 at 2:03 PM, Federstein said:

Although the 'lowest common denominator' definition of asexuality pretty much fits me entirely (no sexual attraction to other people), I've always struggled to get this fact to agree with my interest in sex as a concept. I've always been interested in naked bodies, in different types of fetishes (I don't really have any myself, I just find it interesting), in reading fanfiction that featured a lot of sexual content, and in different ways people act out their different orientations and desires. I'm strongly pro LGBT and the recognition of other forms of living together (like polyamory) because I find it horrendous to dictate people how to live, and to categorize different orientations into good or bad. Of course that's pretty close to the way ace people are being told that not wanting sex is not normal and that the sexualization of everything is the norm. 

 

I do get aroused in some situations, but often I'm not and it's just interest and fascination with the way people act because of sex, and what it can be to them. I'm definitely not sex repulsed in general, but most of the time when it comes to myself being in a sexual situation it is indeed repulsive to me. Does anyone else here feel similar? I feel that it might have something to do with the current discussion about sex repulsion: I know many ace people are either sex repulsed or very indifferent to sex, but are there also any that share this perspective with me?

 

And something I also wonder frequently: Does that make me something else than asexual? I know it's kind of futile question if a definition fits oneself, but sometimes I just feel like doing something wrong, and it could indeed be possible for me to enjoy sex in the way I often see after all.

OH. MY. GAWD. That's how I try to describe myself since such a long time. Thank you! Just thank you. Maybe later more. I'm just flashed right now that it finally makes sense. Yeeeeeeeah.

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Nowhere Girl   
Nowhere Girl
17 hours ago, Aarineko said:

I read quit a lot of gay erotic novels (I most likely like it so much because as a girl I can't put myself in it ;) )

I also like reading about or imagining gay sex and I also wonder if it isn't because it's most distant from any experience I could personally have - being female, I simply couldn't have male-male sex.

However, I personally dislike BDSM. Just not my thing, I just prefer stories about two guys passionately making love. In case of BDSM my threshold of repulsion is much lower: I'm fine with many kinds of sexual content as long as it doesn't involve me (that's why I put a line between aversion and repulsion; I'm sex-averse, but not sex-repulsed), but "sado-maso" stuff gets icky for me very quickly. Light bondage could be OK, just to tease the partner, but not the horrible-for-me-as-a-not-fully-healthy-person idea that pain is pleasant.

Edited by Nowhere Girl
"Geometric" mistake: high level of repulsion means LOW "repulsion threshold".

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Cimmerian   
Cimmerian
18 hours ago, Federstein said:

I've always struggled to get this fact to agree with my interest in sex as a concept. I've always been interested in naked bodies, in different types of fetishes (I don't really have any myself, I just find it interesting), in reading fanfiction that featured a lot of sexual content, and in different ways people act out their different orientations and desires. I'm strongly pro LGBT and the recognition of other forms of living together (like polyamory) because I find it horrendous to dictate people how to live, and to categorize different orientations into good or bad. Of course that's pretty close to the way ace people are being told that not wanting sex is not normal and that the sexualization of everything is the norm. 

 

I do get aroused in some situations, but often I'm not and it's just interest and fascination with the way people act because of sex, and what it can be to them. I'm definitely not sex repulsed in general, but most of the time when it comes to myself being in a sexual situation it is indeed repulsive to me.

Yes to all of the bold! A lot of this is why I questioned the possibility of being asexual for so long. I wasn't sure if my interest in the subject matter, lack of repulsion for sex in writing, or generic arousal disqualified me or not. I finally just decided I like knowledge about all sorts of things-- including sex and topics like fetishes that a lot of people don't discuss.

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asexjoe   
asexjoe

I've worked in the adult entertainment industry, so naturally I am curious about what arouses someone, regardless of sexual orientation or interest.

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tryingtokeepmyheadup   
tryingtokeepmyheadup

i am not repulsed by the idea of sex, per se. i am more disinterested and would not partake in such activities. nothing seems to arouse me in the slightest, which is why i like to identify myself as asexual.

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