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xmily

Am I Ace? Confused and A Bit Worried

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xmily

Okay, so I've not understood my sexuality for the past 2 years and now that I'm in a relationship, I would really like some guidance. I'm definitely romantic but not sure about the asexuality part. I like my boyfriend a lot (huge fan of kissing and cuddling) but regarding anything sexual, I'm mostly indifferent. I haven't had sex yet but we've done other things and I've been okay with them. So far I've only been doing stuff to him, so I don't know yet whether I like it when he does stuff to me (he wants to, but it hasn't come to the point where I'm comfortable enough). When I consider him doing stuff to me, I can imagine liking it but I'm not excited enough about the prospect/comfortable enough yet to ask for anything. I'm attracted to him and I'm not against the idea of us progressing further sexually, but I just don't have this huge urge to be the initiator of it.

 

He asked me whether I'm turned on when I'm with him, and I'm not sure how to answer. Occasionally, I will be, but the feeling is very short (we're talking seconds, a minute or less) and random. Like, we could be in a super sexual context - both naked - and while I'm not turned off, I'm not turned on either. But then sometimes we're kissing, and I am mildly turned on, although usually not intensely so. When I think about him, I very occasionally will be turned on (I don't think about him in a sexual context though). He is the first person I have ever been turned on by. I masturbate and have watched porn (I don't do it regularly because I heard it can hurt your future sex life but it does help with getting off. I do not think about people I know when I masturbate).

 

I'm not sex repulsed but sex is intimidating to me. I don't have a huge urge to have sex other than out of curiosity and to figure out what is up with my sexuality (I don't have any moral qualms with losing my virginity before marriage or anything of that sort. My main concern is that I am emotionally comfortable). I'm a super touchy person and really like being around him, clothes off too.

 

I either think I'm on the asexuality spectrum or I have a low libido. I feel lost so any advice is greatly appreciated.

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BionicPi

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: 

20 minutes ago, xmily said:

(I don't do it regularly because I heard it can hurt your future sex life

Fairly certain this and the like are fear mongering...

 

Re Asexuality, are you sexually attracted to anyone?

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xmily
6 minutes ago, BionicPi said:

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: 

Fairly certain this and the like are fear mongering...

 

Re Asexuality, are you sexually attracted to anyone?

I'm honestly not sure. I can be strongly attracted to people, but I cannot tell whether it's sexual. I've considered demisexuality because my current boyfriend is the only person I have ever even slightly wanted to be sexual with, but this could also be the fact that I'm more comfortable around him vs. other people. I'm not someone to hookup with a guy at a party.

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SamwiseLovesLife
5 hours ago, xmily said:

I'm not sex repulsed but sex is intimidating to me. I don't have a huge urge to have sex other than out of curiosity and to figure out what is up with my sexuality (I don't have any moral qualms with losing my virginity before marriage or anything of that sort. My main concern is that I am emotionally comfortable). I'm a super touchy person and really like being around him, clothes off too.

I really relate to this. It's nice that you have found a partner you are gradually getting comfortable trying these things with

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BionicPi
7 hours ago, xmily said:

I'm honestly not sure. I can be strongly attracted to people, but I cannot tell whether it's sexual. I've considered demisexuality because my current boyfriend is the only person I have ever even slightly wanted to be sexual with, but this could also be the fact that I'm more comfortable around him vs. other people. I'm not someone to hookup with a guy at a party.

Hmm. Potentially. I'm sorry, experiences are really hard to articulate. 

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Taken44yrs

To xmily, dear thing. Iam a 44 year survivor of marriage to a woman such as yourself. I made wedding vows and tried enormously to keep them. Our Hpnymoon lasted 3 months, after which she decided we should have Sex only when we both wanted it. Iwas COMPLETELY blindsided. I guess I should have gotten annulment, but i did and do love her so.  I was in med school and not in a place to be thinking this out.  I graduated and residency and practice since has been more difficult than it was for my colleagues. When examining women I would have to say "not mine" repeatedly 9-10 x day.  I am not bad looking and women have have come on to me, many times. Sometimes its been subtle, sometimes blatant.  A woman handed a condom to me after asking to see me alone in the exam room. These are enormously stressful.  I tried once to discuss this with my spouse but got accused of bringing it on myself. 

     The point is that she finds me unattractive so I should be forcing the situation.  I never believed the racy things about these Dr-patient relationships. Especially with a sex deprived person. I was thinking things would get better with a nice car, the house she wanted.  She has no compression of my daily struggles. She does know what my needs are but got dropped off the bottom of the list in the second year of med school

    It got worse.  After our third child, that was a Sailors going to sea oops! She had lost all respect for me and that I should GOTOHELL, by the most expedient route.  Maybe it was some post-partum depression but she denies it to this day.  I was demoralized and emasculated by the sheer venom of those words and writing this I get an ache in my heart.  We have had hours of counseling. They mostly focused on what a bad person yours truly is  She insisted on a Christian counselor.  The end of the marriage occurred when she stated "I wouldn't care if we never made love again!"  Sounded like courtroom testimony to me. We were in our late 40'sat the time.   I was flabbergasted, so stunned that I should have piad the man and walked out.

 

TW (Suicide):

   

 

My advice to you is to not live this life.   You will destroy the man with you if you do. It eventually got to me. Children moved on.  Took an overdose 10fold of something very toxic and let 10 pints blood out before it clotted. My psychiatrist told me I didn't make a very determined attempt. Much later I found I have a blood clotting disorder (too fast). My wife then promised things she could not fulfill; I had already not come home mentally since the Never Again statement.  I go through the actions of a husband but we haven't made (love?) for the last 17 years  She wanted sex 4 times during this time and I wouldn't refuse her because I know how that feels.  I've been saying "You don't have to worry, I am never going to ask you to have sex with me again"  and she never comments.  Even then it hurts me terribly.

 

     You should find an asexual partner and find a life where other common ground for you to have a Good Life.  I wrote this because I wanted you to have a look down the  Rocky Road that could be

     Oh, yeah!  Why did I stay?  We already were rearing 3 children.  I stayed because spoon lashings and other things had to be nipped in the bud. I had to cautioned her that as a Physician I would have to report her to Children's Services.  That road was far less attractive than mental unconsciousness about her (Non) marital relationship.

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Moonchaser

I can only give you input from my own perspective as a hetero romantic ace.

 

I'm 60 years old, been married over 30 years to a non-asexual, and I am definitely ace. (I don't recommend a "mixed" marriage like mine - my being ace has caused a lot of friction through the years.)

 

I am strongly romantically, aesthetically, intellectually, even sensually attracted, and I have always liked kissing, at lot. But when it comes to actual sex, no thanks. I sort of knew that all along, but I wasn't sure. I was curious about sex, and I also figured when I was young that it was just my inexperience that made me no more than curious. I assumed that once I experienced it something more would kick in. It didn't. 

 

Unfortunately I had no idea what asexuality was when I dated and when I got married. We didn't have a term for it back then. 

 

It sounds to me like you are not into sex, that you are likely asexual, since you only express curiosity, not a desire for it. But that's me, coming from my own perspective. Only you can determine whether you're experiencing sexual desire or not. No one else can determine that for you. I think if you were, though, you would be more than curious, that you would want to initiate it, and not be in doubt at all as to whether you want it, if you really care about the person. That's just my two cents. I hope that helps.

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The_Reluctant_Dragon
On 8/11/2017 at 0:14 AM, BionicPi said:

Re Asexuality, are you sexually attracted to anyone?

 

On 8/11/2017 at 0:20 AM, xmily said:

I'm honestly not sure. I can be strongly attracted to people, but I cannot tell whether it's sexual. I've considered demisexuality because my current boyfriend is the only person I have ever even slightly wanted to be sexual with, but this could also be the fact that I'm more comfortable around him vs. other people. I'm not someone to hookup with a guy at a party.

You can be quirosexual/WTFsexual, which is where you don't know the difference between your sexual attraction and your romantic one.

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