Care of the Elderly

[dyyanae]

Okay, since I've mentioned this in all my posts today...it must be on my mind :)

I was wondering if many others of you out there are caring for elderly or disabled family members. And doesn't it seem 'convenient' that, in some cases (like my own) we have the time... if we're not actively persuing sexually based relationships?

This is in no way meant to be a scientific or researched historical analysis of the aesexual role in human development! I just wonder about things like this :)

I do know that in some cultures, when large families were the norm, it was expected that one child (usually female) would forego marriage to take on the duties of caring for the parents. For example, the word 'spinster' was coined back in the era of cottage industries. It actually refers to spinning. Typically, a daughter would remain at home making a financial contribution by spinning, weaving, or sewing items to be sold. Since she did this at home, rather than in a factory, she could take time out for cleaning and preparing meals etc... for the parents.

From my understanding, it was the growth of factories that led to the nuclear family structure we see today (in my society at least). And with it, the care of the elderly in institutions rather than at home. So, in a way, that may have eliminated a role for some aesexuals...one where they wouldn't be questioned so much if they decided not to marry.

I'm sure it wasn't always the case that the caregiver child wanted that role, I'm just thinking it would have been a nice niche for those who wanted nothing to do with sex.

I never understood why the 'spinster' became so denigrated, since she performed a vital social service. There was an equivalent male role in some societies called 'the bachelor farmer' but that is not nearly as derogatory a term as spinster came to be. I also don't know if bachelor farmers ever took on caregiving roles. Does anyone here know more about that?

Well, I'm rambling. But I think about it a lot, since it really was fortuitoius in my case that I accepted my non-sexual nature right at the time my father started to need care. And when he passes on, I have a disabled brother who will be needing my help. So it all works out pretty well :)

edit: I should mention that I don't feel 'burdened' by caregiving duties. I rather enjoy it. And caregiving isn't just limited to physical tasks either. I provide companionship as well as cleaning services :) And it's kind of nice too, getting to know my father and hearing about his life experiences.

[vikingo]

I take care of my grandmother. Especially for five years from she had an apoplectic stroke until she had to move to a nursing home. I still visit her regularly, mind her administrative business and take care that they treat her well. In the church, however, I would take a seat in the sword side, not the spinning side.

[mouth brooder]

The strong negative connotations of spinster is greatly why I could not concede to my own asexual tendencies for so long.

I have relocated closer to family in preparation to take on the position you describe. I am waiting in the wings so to speak. The trouble is that my folks need help, but they have not yet let go of a lavish lifestyle that was what drove me away in the first place. When they finally hit bottom, I will be there to catch them, though.

Vikingo, would you please elaborate on your metaphor, the sword side and the spinning side?

[Ziffler]

Well, I guess I'm the Spinster Man! :D :D :D

My mom and Dad took care of my grandmother until my mom got sick and grandma was shuffled off to my uncles. But then my mom passed away and now I live with my dad. It's working out well. At first I kept my career which kept me gone alot, but eventually things led to me quitting my career and staying home with him. He was glad that I did, although never once suggested that I do it.

Now I work a part time job 3 days a week, which provides me with enough money to meet my financial needs and yet able to be home with my dad also. I cook the meals and clean the house, pay the bills and such. My dad is still able to get around and he does that. So he's no burden on me whatsoever.

My 2 sister's are glad that I am now a stay at home caregiver though, because they were not looking forward to him moving in with them. He is at their house every day for coffee and some chit chat, but when things get strained then he comes home which makes for a happier situation among the family.

Spouses may accept the responsibility of elderly moving in with them, but inside has to be a strain on a marriage. It works out better for us single people to take up this role.

[vikingo]

diogena: Vikingo, would you please elaborate on your metaphor, the sword side and the spinning side?

Yes, sorry for being unclear:

Some countries have (had) a tradition concerning where woman and men should be seated in the christian church. Females would be seated in the side south of the church axis - the spinning side - and men would be seated in the side north of the church axis - the sword side.

[Ziffler]

Females would be seated in the side south of the church axis - the spinning side - and men would be seated in the side north of the church axis - the sword side.

WOW! I just learned something new today. It's a good day.

I guess that means they would build the church facing East/West, so they would have south and north sides for seating? Would they build the alter on the East face of the church, so it faced the eastern sky?

See what you did? You got my curiousity up now. :D

[Tanwen]

Zif, I often say I'm glad that I haven't lived so long that I can't learn or do something new! I remember once reading a SF short story about an earthman who went to extraordinary lenghts to prove his knowledge and intelligence to go to a planet famous throughout the universe for its knowledge. When he got there, he was treated as an unpaid nanny to the children of a household. Unlike every other being who'd gone there, he realised how little he knew - and it was then they began to teach him.

I wish I could remember the author, because I'd love to read it again (I must have been about 19 or 20 at the time) it had such a profoound effect on me, I've lived with the idea ever since.

However, getting back to the original question. I care for my mother (she'll be 90 in a week or so) My dad died when I was 17, and I have lived my entire life under the shadow of their 'anniversaries'. At his funeral, one of y relatives voiced the opinion that it was as well there was a daughter (me) to look after my mother.

I did marry, though for various reasons, it didn't last. I love my sons dearly and wish their lives hadn't been blighted by the 'anniversary syndrome', but that's life and something we have to live with.

I've taken early reitrement from the Civil Service and now work three nights a week to supplement my income.

I suppose the important thing is, I've now learned to accept the status quo - to a point, I really can't bear it when she criticises my sons, they aren't perfect, but they're really not that bad.

[mackat5]

In my job, I'm a home care aide, which means that I help eldrely/disabled folks stay in their homes. I clean house, go shopping, do laundry. That is I do the things that they would do if they were able. This keeps them out of the nursing homes, of which there aren't enough. And the folks are happier, and thus live longer. The families often can't do for the person, because they are working and raising their own families. The family, if they are available, are most grateful for our help. They don't have to worry about Mother or Father as much.

[KAGU143]

I have never had the responsibility of caring for an older relative. All of my immediate family died fairly young, leaving only my younger sister and me, plus her child and grandchild. (As blood relatives - there are plenty by marriage.) I have some older cousins that I haven't seen in decades, but that's it.

I'm not sure how I would do at being a caregiver but I usually manage to do whatever needs to be done if it's important enough. I think I would manage it somehow.

-GB

[a-d]

I don't know how much it has to do with wanting or not wanting to be a parent, but being a caretaker for an elderly person might be a good (or bad) way to find out. I remember when my father was on the brink of death for nearly two years while I was in middle school. The father-son roles were reversed a bit almost instantly. As an only child, I could only share the responsibility with my mother, who had been working long hours every day since I was born anyway. To make a long story short, his death was a bit of a relief for me, since I could go about my life again, difficult as it was to begin with. I had a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone other people. Family obligations didn't make things any easier.

Now that I'm self-sufficient, I still don't see myself taking on any new responsibilities for caretaking. I've gotten that experience behind me and I'd prefer not to repeat it. That may sound selfish, but since I don't have any expectations of other people to help me out, I don't feel obliged to help others. If I feel like being of help, then I'll do it, but I avoid commitments at all cost.

[Ziffler]

Tanwen...

I really can't bear it when she criticises my sons, they aren't perfect, but they're really not that bad.

That's when my dad's welcome wears thin at my sister's houses and he heads back home. :D :D :D

That's also why they like me living with him, instead of him living with them. :D :D :D

[Ziffler]

a-d...

I remember when my father was on the brink of death for nearly two years while I was in middle school. The father-son roles were reversed a bit almost instantly. As an only child, I could only share the responsibility with my mother,

That's a totally different experience. Young children shouldn't ever be burdened with caring for their parents. It's different after you are grown and lived most of your life, to care for your parents in their old age, although depending on the personality of your parents it can still be a burden. :D :D :D

[dyyanae]

although depending on the personality of your parents it can still be a burden. :D :D :D

That's true too. I shouldn't paint the picture of caregiving as all rosy. It just worked out in this case. It might have been a whole different story if it was my mentally ill mother who I ended up taking care of! (shudder)

And I must admit, I'm scared sometimes by the responsibility. In the future my dad may need more physical help, and I worry about that a lot. I'm not too mobile myself, after all. And if he gets dementia...I'd probably be a basket case. Stiil, somebody has to do it, and here I am :)

[HannaWyLady]

I've taken care of my father until he died of cancer in 1996 and now I have full responsibility for my mom. Careing for them has it's good and bad days - but it's hard for me sometimes to realize I have to be "mom" now and sometimes treat my mom as a child. It's also frustrating to be told by the state and federal governments that between the two of us we have too much money so can't get food stamps and other helps like that when I can barely keep food on the table and the mortgage paid.

[dyyanae]

It's also frustrating to be told by the state and federal governments that between the two of us we have too much money so can't get food stamps and other helps like that when I can barely keep food on the table and the mortgage paid.

Ah, my sympathies with your situation. And I can very much relate to the frustration with lack of economic support. We don't 'qualify' for any aid either. Not even help with heating (which in the Northeastern US is pretty vital) or food. Both of us recieve Social Security (I'm not well enough to work outside the house and am only just starting a career in the arts) but because my dad recieves a very, very small pension it disqualifies us for everything else. Small rant: They'd pay for a nursing home if he had to go... which would be a hell of a lot more than just the little bit that would help us out. End rant.

But I've heard and read that this situation is pretty common in caregiving families.

[winter]

my grandmother and aunt live alone together (aged 86 and 94 respectively). my parents go up to see them once a week and get them their groceries and make sure everything is in working order (i don't live with my parents, but i go up when i'm visiting home and make my phone calls). they've been trying to get them to sell the house and move nearer to where my parents live so they can be closer in case of emergencies and go see them more often (right now the pair live about an hour away), but i guess when you've been in one place long enough moving just doesn't seem like an option.

when the time comes, who ever survives the other will probably move in with my parents as it just won't be possible for her to live alone. it's a horrible way of thinking, but considering their ages, it's inevitable. but i was raised in a family that doesn't believe in nursing homes, etc. when you consider what your older family did for you when you were growing up, how can you not return the favor?

[HannaWyLady]

One thing that concerns me is what happens to me when I am in my 70's or older? I am single with no kids so no family to care for me - and since the chances are slim that I'll find an asexual man to be in my life - it will be strangers that may not have my best interests at heart who will have control of my life - legally I've tried to make sure that doesn't happen - but you never know.

[vikingo]

I have a similar concern.

[mackat5]

I've never been married, and have no children. My sister is 17 years younger than I, but I don't feel that it's fair to her to have to take care of me. She and her husband have their own lives. For example, their only child graduates from high school this June. :D But then, whoo will be there to help me as I get older???

[Tanwen]

I have children, but there's no way I want them to feel under any obligation to look after me when I get to my 70s (well, they're both boys - so I think their partners will have something to say about that)

Because I moved south only 12 years ago, the mortgage has 12 years to run (I should be just about 70 then), at which point I'll sign the house over between them) - legally there has to be 'exchange of consideration' (ie:money) which can be as little as £!.00. However, if they're prepared to take out a mortgage to buy me a retirement apartment, they can have the house before I die. This will get over the stupid inheritance taxes, so the people who should gain from a lifetime's work will get the money they're entitled to and not the stupid tax man!!!!!!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[Ziffler]

But then, whoo will be there to help me as I get older???

Hopefully I won't live that long to need outside care.

But in my family there are plenty of lazy-good-for-nothings that would jump for an offer to live with me. There is always someone being kicked out of their house, lost their job, or otherwise needy.

But none of them get a dime from inheritance. It all goes to charity. They can get theirs the same way I got what little I have. WORK FOR IT!

[Elizabeth I]

Now that I'm self-sufficient, I still don't see myself taking on any new responsibilities for caretaking. I've gotten that experience behind me and I'd prefer not to repeat it.

I have to confess to a similar sentiment, though the situation was different. I am the eldest of eight children, (two with autism)and was VERY close to my Dad, and lost him when I was 12. (heart attack)

My Mom was alcoholic, and after my dad died, she spent most her time in the bar getting soused and looking for a man to bring home when the bar closed.

I was a mother of six at age 13, and by age 16 was also having to deal with being beat up by her and her drunken men at 4 am, then getting up for school at 6. I had to quit in 11th grade

So I lied about my age and got a job in a factory and rented a sleeping room . My mom was angry that one of her "lazy good for nothing kids" was finally working , and decided to pay rent somewhere else, but since she was collecting a Social Security allotment for me, she never reported that I was gone. It would have decreased her drinking money.

Predictably ... she ended up fatally ramming the family wagon into a stone bridge abuttment in a drunken stupor. She was partly decapitated and the car burned... there wasn't even enough left of her to autopsy.

So I've never had to consider caring for an aging parent, but I'm pretty certain that I would give anything for a few more years with my Dad.

Maybe that's at least part of the reason why I'm asexual. What I remember about LOVE .... never involved sex. I always wanted a man to love me the way my Dad did.

But I know now, that you only get one shot at that.

Elizabeth I

"My father's daughter"

[kbrd143]

I may or may not be caring for an older relative, at the moment. Kinda' hard to explain, but here is the story: My brother, almost ten years my senior, only barely managed to avoid answering the door when Death came knocking last September. My father and I knew that he was sick -- it was more than apparent by the way he looked and the way he acted; however, my brother repeatedly refused to seek medical care. Eventally, my father stopped asking and simply took my brother to the hospital, where he stayed for nearly a month. When he was discharged, however, it was clear that he wouldn't be able to care for himself. He refused to go to my parents' house. He would come to mine. So, he moved in here. And that is where we have been up until the last month, or so. At that time, for whatever reason, my parents felt that my brother should have a car. (Don't know why. I can't afford to drive, and I have a full time job! My brother does not, and cannot work, at this time.) No sooner than he had wheels, than I stopped seeing him. Where he would go, I hadn't a clue; although, for a time, I had evidence that he would return to the house at night to sleep after I had gone to bed. Then, even that stopped. But, he would still visit the house during the day while I was at work and paw through my things, eat my food, drink my wine and do whatever else might pop into his head. My life became an issue of Highlights Magazine: Spot Seven Differences Between These Two Pictures!, the pictures being, of course, the house as I remembered it being when I left and the house as it would be when I returned. I asked that this stop -- the price I charge for unfettered access to my personal space is that you be a resident of my home. If you are not a resident, then you should not be in my home while I am not around. Yesterday, it happened again -- I returned home to missing DVDs, missing food, missing booze -- and so I asked him to return his key.

Long story short (too late!): my brother is rather ... cavalier in his approach to longevity. For the time that he was more or less a captive, here, I was able to care for him and return him to health. Now, however, he is free to do as he chooses, and he does not choose well. He drives, when I can see little evidence that his coordination is good enough to merit his being behind the wheel of a car; he drinks, and not in amounts that could even remotely be considered "moderate"; he does other things, too, things which might be described as ... stronger substances? He is, I honestly believe, trying to self destruct. And no one -- not my parents, not my brother -- seems willing or capable of even considering the evidence for my opinion. In no small way, it breaks my heart. But there is really nothing I can do to stop it.

[dyyanae]

My sympathy KAW143. That's a tough position to be in.

[KAGU143]

Indeed, it is a terrible position for you to be in, Keith.

To care for somebody against their will is little more than a type of imprisonment, even when the intentions behind it are totally benevolent.

(I think that's why involuntary commitment has proven to be such a fertile source for horror stories.)

I know that you are fully aware of that possibility and don't wish to do it to your brother, though, so that doesn't leave you with very many options.

It would be interesting to see a story that explored the pain and anguish on BOTH sides of the fence. Have you ever considered exploring that topic?

-GB

[Ziffler]

He is, I honestly believe, trying to self destruct.

That may very well be it. If he knows that he hasn't a chance of getting better, or that he is even going to get worse, then he may be thinking, end it now instead of later.

[Islander9]

I am available to *help* family members. The help is on their terms.

There is a history of severe clinical depression in my family - i do what I can.

This is both age-related and event related (i.e not all the older people in my family require help because they are getting *old*.)

One of the things that definitely helps, is learning that there are a very large number of older people - out there! - who have the same problems...

communication communication communication

every which way-

[vikingo]

*hugs KAW143*

... trying to self destruct ...

Most likely so. Could make sense with some help from outside to handle the crisis. To open his eyes to something which can provide him the strength to carry on instead. Lance Armstrong did it his way with the bicycle, some throw themselves into some good cause and others find what they need through religion. Maybe someone could help him to find a direction to go. But the walking he should do himself.

[Islander9]

Keith. that is a real bastard of a situation to be in - anything I can do/help with? Willing-

[Islander9]

Dyannae and HanawaeLady (please excuse misspellings)-

same thing as my last post-love ya, you're cool

I have, incidentally, had to cope with one of my parents almost dying in my arms (thank goodness for the A-NZ ambulance system!)- people in their middle age HAVE to be able to cope with with this stuff- and who do we have but each other??