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The "Sex" 'urge': Fact or Fallacy?

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sithgirlix   
sithgirlix
21 minutes ago, MistySpring said:

 There is absolutely no need to butt in. If someone's not asking then I think one should bite ones tongue.

But people do ask.  They ask all the time!  And we're not allowed to say, "No, that doesn't really seem like asexuality to me."  Or "Because of _____, I don't think you're asexual but maybe _____."  

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MistySpring   
MistySpring
Just now, sithgirlix said:

But people do ask.  They ask all the time!  And we're not allowed to say, "No, that doesn't really seem like asexuality to me."  Or "Because of _____, I don't think you're asexual but maybe _____."  

When it is someone asking of course that can be tricky in how to say something. As far as I know you can say that as long as you don't explicitly say you are this and not that and keeping in mind to be respectful mentioning that only the person in question can decide especially if newbies. I've seen plenty of people making it come across like that with no issue and I have done similar as well and not gotten any comments to it. So yeah it is the way you phrase it and especially if pushing it further if the person in question doesn't agree/wish for more input. That's how I interpret the guidelines and agree with that. 

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Skycaptain   
Skycaptain

Going back to the previous page, asexuality and celibacy. In my opinion the difference is that sexual, gender and romantic orientation is innate, and trying to override this can, in some cases, cause distress. Celibacy is a conscious decision which we can decide to alter 

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Tarfeather   
Tarfeather
On 8/16/2017 at 5:59 PM, m4rble said:

I wonder though, what does drive people to associate sexual activity with other people. This is a bit of a trick question because there is obviously a lot of variation, but I don't think it's usually as simple as, "I saw someone attractive and got an urge to copulate,". I think the human motivation for sex almost always is very different from the grasshopper's motivation for sex. It's a very social activity for humans, maybe it's similar to the human affinity for non-sexual touch, like the feeling of connectedness that comes from hugging and caressing. 

 

Saying that for sexuals sex has to be undeniably innate could actually expand the definition of asexuality, which may be the perspective some people take when they coin terms such as, "cupiosexual". 

It's undeniably a different experience for every individual, however I do believe there are common elements to it that are rather widespread.

 

In my personal experience, it has a lot to do with "being turned on". The idea of sexual activity with an attractive woman "turns me on". That's why masturbation can be enjoyable, because it can involve the idea of sex, without itself being sex. So as for the "associating sexual activity with other people", at least in my case, it's because sexuality inherently must involve someone else, although that someone else may be imaginary.

 

There are social elements to desiring sex with a "real" person. Sex carries a lot of weight, both in the context of our culture and society, and in the context of individuals living their interpersonal relationships. Sex is seen as a status symbol, or otherwise who you have sex with indicates your social standing, so many people (even asexuals) seek it out for that reason.

 

 

And then there's the "romantic" angle. The problem is, AVEN oversimplifies this, by separating out romance from sexuality. To me it seems more likely that both romance and sexuality are aspects in a more complex system that we barely understand.

 

This much is clear to me, that I can find women attractive, develop crushes on them, which will in turn create a "craving" to become intimate with that person in particular, especially sexual. Fantasy could in no way meet this desire, only the real person could. And, but this is only speculation on my part because I have not experienced it, my guess is that when you experience sexual intimacy with someone you have feelings for, it would also cause much stronger emotions within you than could be achieved through fantasy alone.

 

 

Yes, this is just description, not explanation. I can't give you a scientific explanation of why people fall in love, or develop a desire for sexual intimacy when they do. All I can say is, that it happens, and that as far as any of us know, it is as much "learned", as is the desire to have people to talk to in our lives, or the desire to eat tasty food.

 

That's all not to deny that culture plays a role in the way we (sexuals and asexuals alike) experience and live out our sexualities. My point is just, as with anything human, there is a biological, primitive, and instinctive component to this, and this component is deeply tied into our conscious. It has something to do with grasshoppers. It also has something to do with the human mind and abstract thought. It's a complex system.

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FictoVore.   
FictoVore.
On 8/17/2017 at 3:59 AM, m4rble said:

I wonder though, what does drive people to associate sexual activity with other people. This is a bit of a trick question because there is obviously a lot of variation, but I don't think it's usually as simple as, "I saw someone attractive and got an urge to copulate,". I think the human motivation for sex almost always is very different from the grasshopper's motivation for sex.

Well for me, I didn't *used* to desire sex with others because I associated that strongly with PiV and the female having to receive oral..I felt that no matter who my partner was, if we had any form of sexual activity it would lead to PiV (or me having to receive oral) as those seem to be integral aspects of sexual activity for many people. I knew I have no enjoyment of or desire for those acts so the idea of partnered sex was just a massive turn-off for me, though I did have a desire for a deep intimate connection that I filled with *sensual* activity and kink online with an ace partner. However, I found I would always be sort of wanting more that he couldn't give, which was super confusing for me. Fast forward 4 years later, and after enough experimentation and practice I know 100% that I can enjoy sexual intimacy with the right person without it having to lead to PiV or me receiving oral, so now I am free to desire anything I want. When I look at someone I 'like' and have an emotional connection to, the desire starts somewhere deep in my stomach.. to take him sexually into my body and give him pleasure. Not through my vaj though, haha. It's not something that could have been 'taught' because I know it was always there, my lack of enjoyment for 'regular' sex was just so strong that it over-rode that desire. The desire was there though, the desire to connect on that level.. and now it's out of its cage haha. The sexy demon has been unleashed >:3 ..The desire is what comes first, from deep down within, what I want to do with that desire though is what varies from person to person.

 

Okay but regardless, lets look at the idea of two people who have developed a hormonal dependence on each other called 'romantic love' which also makes hormones go crazy and heightens libido for many people (especially in the early stages). Let's imagine these two people have NEVER seen sex on TV or even heard of it. 

 

(This will be TMI for some, but I'm explaining how two people will quite easily discover PIV sex on their own without ever having been taught about it)

 

Often, when a woman is really, really aroused, her pelvis will often start jutting forward, or like, thrusting and grinding, looking for something to rub against. That's a physiological reaction to the state of heightened arousal. COINCIDENTALLY this is what a really aroused man will often do as well. A woman will generally get really wet and slippery if she's that aroused, so if they take their clothes off to see more of each others bodies (a natural desire) it's totally understandable that if they are face to face and both thrusting their genitals forward, they'll both find that it feels mutually good when their genitals are thrusting and grinding together.

If they're naked and she is wet enough, his cock will slide into her vaj during that sort of activity and hey, maybe she'll be one of the many women who loves the feeling of being penetrated even if it's slightly painful to start with.. her arousal and the pleasure she will be experiencing in her clit will probably even override any pain if she was wet enough for him to slide in like that (meaning she was very aroused).

 

Voilà! Humanity just discovered PiV. And this is something any two sexual humans could discover together if they both have a libido and are 'interested' in each other hormonally (pheromones increase our desire for certain people over others). Many people in that state of hormonal passion naturally desire to gaze at the face of their lover, and taste their mouth and tongue etc, which on two people of average height will align their genitals. It won't take them long to work out that grinding said genitals together feels good for both of them, unless one of them is a weirdo like me :P haha! (edit: and that genital grinding will often happen on its own to begin with as a result of their pelvises jutting/thrusting forward as a physiological response to that heightened arousal.. Once they realise how good it feels for both of them though they will definitely seek to increase and enhance those sensations)

 

I understand that was a heteronormative explanation but it would work the same with gay men and lesbians, they'd still find it feels good for both of them when they rub their genitals together and would naturally seek to try to enhance that pleasure and experience more of it.

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asexjoe   
asexjoe
8 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Well for me, I didn't *used* to desire sex with others because I associated that strongly with PiV and the female having to receive oral..I felt that no matter who my partner was, if we had any form of sexual activity it would lead to PiV (or me having to receive oral) as those seem to be integral aspects of sexual activity for many people. I knew I have no enjoyment of or desire for those acts so the idea of partnered sex was just a massive turn-off for me, though I did have a desire for a deep intimate connection that I filled with *sensual* activity and kink online with an ace partner. However, I found I would always be sort of wanting more that he couldn't give, which was super confusing for me. Fast forward 4 years later, and after enough experimentation and practice I know 100% that I can enjoy sexual intimacy with the right person without it having to lead to PiV or me receiving oral, so now I am free to desire anything I want. When I look at someone I 'like' and have an emotional connection to, the desire starts somewhere deep in my stomach.. to take him sexually into my body and give him pleasure. Not through my vaj though, haha. It's not something that could have be taught because I know it was always there, my lack of enjoyment for 'regular' sex was just so strong that it over-rode that desire. The desire was there though, the desire to connect on that level.. and now it's out of its cage haha. The sexy demon has been unleashed >:3 ..The desire is what comes first, from deep down within, what I want to do with it though is what varies from person to person.

 

Okay but regardless, lets look at the idea of two people who have developed a hormonal dependence on each other called 'love' which also makes hormones go crazy and heightens libido. Let's imagine these two people have NEVER seen sex on TV or even heard of it. 

 

(This will be TMI for some, but I'm explaining how two people will quite easily discover PIV sex on their own without ever having been taught about it)

 

Often, when a woman is really, really aroused, her pelvis will often start jutting forward, or like, thrusting and grinding, looking for something to rub against. That's a physiological reaction to the state of heightened arousal. COINCIDENTALLY this is what a really aroused man will often do as well. A woman will generally get really wet and slippery if she's that aroused, so if they take their clothes off to see more of each others bodies (a natural desire) it's totally understandable that if they are face to face and both thrusting their genitals forward, they'll both find that it feels mutually good when their genitals are thrusting and grinding together.

If they're naked and she is wet enough, his cock will slide into her vaj during that sort of activity and hey, maybe she'll be one of the many women who loves the feeling of being penetrated even if it's slightly painful to start with.. her arousal and the pleasure she will experiencing in her clit will probably even override any pain if she was wet enough for him to slide in like that.

 

Viola, humanity just discovered PiV. And this is something any two sexual humans could discover together if they both have a libido and are 'interested' in each other hormonally. We naturally desire to gaze at the face of our lover, and taste their mouth and tongue etc, which on two people of average height will align their genitals. It won't take them long to work out that grinding said genitals together feels good for both of them, unless one of them is a weirdo like me :P haha!

 

I understand that was heteronormative explanation but it would work the same with gay men and lesbians, they'd still find it feels good for both of them when they rub their genitals together and would naturally seek to try to enhance that pleasure and experience more of it.

Great explanation.

 

It's voilà, by the way. You don't want the French on your ass. Hoo boy.

 

I can't speak for others, but I find your candor refreshing, and laud your skill and precision with the written word.

 

 I abhor euphemisms and acronyms, although you do employ one of the latter.

 

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MistySpring   
MistySpring

@FictoVore. It would be quite difficult to argue that a sexual urge cannot be innate and natural after that description! lol. That pretty much speaks for itself. 

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FictoVore.   
FictoVore.
1 hour ago, asexjoe said:

It's voilà, by the way. You don't want the French on your ass. Hoo boy.

Haha, such a fail :P Let's just pretend it was autocorrect messing with me! 

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Sally   
Sally

This is one of those very well-thought-out analytical AND emotional discussions that makes AVEN so worthwhile.   :cake:

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé
33 minutes ago, Sally said:

This is one of those very well-thought-out analytical AND emotional discussions that makes AVEN so worthwhile.   :cake:

Along with its Snao-style witticisms sprinkled here and there. 8)

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Sally   
Sally
1 minute ago, Snao Çoñé said:

Along with its Snao-style witticisms sprinkled here and there. 8)

Well, of course, that goes without saying.  8)   (although it was said...)

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m4rble   
m4rble
On 8/19/2017 at 2:38 PM, FictoVore. said:

Well for me, I didn't *used* to desire sex with others because I associated that strongly with PiV and the female having to receive oral..I felt that no matter who my partner was, if we had any form of sexual activity it would lead to PiV (or me having to receive oral) as those seem to be integral aspects of sexual activity for many people. I knew I have no enjoyment of or desire for those acts so the idea of partnered sex was just a massive turn-off for me, though I did have a desire for a deep intimate connection that I filled with *sensual* activity and kink online with an ace partner. However, I found I would always be sort of wanting more that he couldn't give, which was super confusing for me. Fast forward 4 years later, and after enough experimentation and practice I know 100% that I can enjoy sexual intimacy with the right person without it having to lead to PiV or me receiving oral, so now I am free to desire anything I want. When I look at someone I 'like' and have an emotional connection to, the desire starts somewhere deep in my stomach.. to take him sexually into my body and give him pleasure. Not through my vaj though, haha. It's not something that could have been 'taught' because I know it was always there, my lack of enjoyment for 'regular' sex was just so strong that it over-rode that desire. The desire was there though, the desire to connect on that level.. and now it's out of its cage haha. The sexy demon has been unleashed >:3 ..The desire is what comes first, from deep down within, what I want to do with that desire though is what varies from person to person.

 

Okay but regardless, lets look at the idea of two people who have developed a hormonal dependence on each other called 'romantic love' which also makes hormones go crazy and heightens libido for many people (especially in the early stages). Let's imagine these two people have NEVER seen sex on TV or even heard of it. 

 

(This will be TMI for some, but I'm explaining how two people will quite easily discover PIV sex on their own without ever having been taught about it)

 

Often, when a woman is really, really aroused, her pelvis will often start jutting forward, or like, thrusting and grinding, looking for something to rub against. That's a physiological reaction to the state of heightened arousal. COINCIDENTALLY this is what a really aroused man will often do as well. A woman will generally get really wet and slippery if she's that aroused, so if they take their clothes off to see more of each others bodies (a natural desire) it's totally understandable that if they are face to face and both thrusting their genitals forward, they'll both find that it feels mutually good when their genitals are thrusting and grinding together.

If they're naked and she is wet enough, his cock will slide into her vaj during that sort of activity and hey, maybe she'll be one of the many women who loves the feeling of being penetrated even if it's slightly painful to start with.. her arousal and the pleasure she will be experiencing in her clit will probably even override any pain if she was wet enough for him to slide in like that (meaning she was very aroused).

 

Voilà! Humanity just discovered PiV. And this is something any two sexual humans could discover together if they both have a libido and are 'interested' in each other hormonally (pheromones increase our desire for certain people over others). Many people in that state of hormonal passion naturally desire to gaze at the face of their lover, and taste their mouth and tongue etc, which on two people of average height will align their genitals. It won't take them long to work out that grinding said genitals together feels good for both of them, unless one of them is a weirdo like me :P haha! (edit: and that genital grinding will often happen on its own to begin with as a result of their pelvises jutting/thrusting forward as a physiological response to that heightened arousal.. Once they realise how good it feels for both of them though they will definitely seek to increase and enhance those sensations)

 

I understand that was a heteronormative explanation but it would work the same with gay men and lesbians, they'd still find it feels good for both of them when they rub their genitals together and would naturally seek to try to enhance that pleasure and experience more of it.

I didn't really think about it in that way before. 

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