Justwondering2 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Since the age of 13, I have associated with the label of 'gay'. This occured after seeing some images of naked men in an art book, which led me to conclude that maybe my consequent arousal would suggest I wasn't straight. At the age of 13 I came out to my parents, and then from 18 and onwards to my close friends as and when I've felt necessary. So far, so ok. I had my first ever relationship of any kind at the age of 20. This relationship, which was with a guy in my year at uni, lasted about 4 months. The reason it ended was due to a mixture of things that I wasn't happy with in the relationship (none of them serious, but just a growing number of small compatibility issues). However, the main one was that I wasn't really enjoying anything sexual beyond kissing, and didn't want to try. Eventually the pressure felt too great, and I pulled the plug on it. I left that relationship pretty confused, wondering how it was possible that I could be attracted to pictures of men, but when it actually came to physicality with another man, I felt very little and actually didn't want it. Was it that I just wasn't attracted enough to this one person? A year later, I had a relationship with another guy, and after 3 months the same thing happened. Although there were aspects of the relationship that I was finding challenging apart from sex , the sex was the clincher. He had what I perceived to be a strong sex drive, and although he was patient with me, in the end it was too much for me to cope with (he wanted sex whenever we saw each other, I didn't). I liked him a great deal, maybe even loved him, but I realised that I felt relief when there was a good excuse for me not to have sex with him (such as it being too late, or if he had a journey early in the morning e.t.c). I experimented slightly beyond what I was comfortable with to give him pleasure, but it never felt enjoyable or within my comfort zone. There are a few more pieces to this puzzle, and some of them a bit more detailed and personal - hope that's ok. I was attracted to everything above his waist, and below his waist, but anything 'down under' repulsed me. Maybe repulsed is too strong a word, but I felt no desire to do anything down there with anything but my hands. Another piece - he suggested I should look at some porn, as I hadn't before then (I masturbate maybe a few times a week sometimes, sometimes not at all for a few weeks, but only to pictures of topless celebs who have their trousers on...). So I did, and I found that although I liked watching the solo masturbation vids, I was completely repulsed by anything involving more than one person. I don't really know what I am feeling when I look at solo porn, and whether that is a feeling of aesthetic attraction or whether that constitues a sexual attraction. To add to this, I sometimes find that I can't finish or just lose the will half way. The final piece - I don't think I ever have sexual fantasies/dreams, and have very rarely had them in the past. So there is a brief history and some context. Where I am confused is this: Are my sexual problems a product of any of the following, or maybe a combination? Worrying about other aspects of the relationship, and that it may not work in the long term (I plan ahead with many other aspects of my life, and obviously with a relationship it's more of a see-how-it-goes kind of basis). Losing sexual drive whilst watching porn as a single person may suggest this isn't that important a factor? Being too tired and stressed from uni for sex? Maybe occasionally being slightly depressed/low mood too. Worrying about my homosexuality - although I came out young, it's been something that's given me a lot of emotional pain and confusion since. I seem to have an innate homophobia, which although I don't apply to others, I apply perhaps too heavily to myself sometimes. Yes it's a strange hypocrisy, but I can't exlain that either. Actually not being that sexual - I thought after the first relationship that maybe it was something just with that relationship specifically, but now with a second? I like the idea of being in a relationship, and I have always fantasised about meeting someone that I can go travelling/cycling/hiking/swimming/seeing things at the theatre or cinema with e.t.c I think I therefore have a romantic notion of a relationship, but it doesn't really seem to extend physically in my imagination beyond kissing. Any thoughts/ideas would be really helpful for me. It seems strange to me to associate as gay if I'm not interested in sex (although of course it is only one dimension of a relationship, most people choose to associate as this because of their sexual desire), and yet if I imagine being in a relationship, it is with a man...I don't really know where I go from this, do I just avoid relationships full stop and save myself the emotional stress, or do I keep experimenting and say that the next one will be different? I feel lonely out of a relationship, and stressed in! Link to post Share on other sites
Livyia Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 You could be asexual homoromantic (don't experience sexual attraction but experience romantic attraction to the same sex). If you truly want a relationship I say keep trying to find one - maybe try finding another asexual (NOT easy, I know). But at the end of the day, it doesn't have to be with an asexual - as long as you're open with the other person about your preferences regarding sex and you both know what you're getting into. I think the only way to really figure out what is going to work for you and make you happy is to keep experimenting. If it helps, you're definitely not alone! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I would agree with the above post. Do some research on the differences in sexual and romantic attraction. People don't realize that they can be different. A relationship can work between a homosexual person and homoromantic asexual person. It's not impossible. Just keep looking. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Justwondering2 Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Thank you both, those are really helpful suggestions! I will keep pondering/searching and researching a bit around it Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger-Lily Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Good luck on your journey of discovery! Some of what you said resonates with me too. One thing I have to wonder about is whether it is just libido or if I actually am on the asexual side. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger-Lily Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Because evidently that is a different thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Justwondering2 Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Yes, I suppose there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if your libido is consistently low, or whether it's to do with lacking sexual desire anyway. They're quite hard to disentangle I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 15 hours ago, Livyia said: You could be asexual homoromantic (don't experience sexual attraction but experience romantic attraction to the same sex). If you truly want a relationship I say keep trying to find one - maybe try finding another asexual (NOT easy, I know). But at the end of the day, it doesn't have to be with an asexual - as long as you're open with the other person about your preferences regarding sex and you both know what you're getting into. I think the only way to really figure out what is going to work for you and make you happy is to keep experimenting. If it helps, you're definitely not alone! Good luck! Straight to the point Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 1 hour ago, Justwondering2 said: Yes, I suppose there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if your libido is consistently low, or whether it's to do with lacking sexual desire anyway. They're quite hard to disentangle I think. Indeed. I question myself every few days recently :/ Link to post Share on other sites
MCBrom Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 ...nor do I think you're looking for a single definition forever. Everything changes over time, including you and including definitions of identity. I'm in a similar spot in that I've always been gay (or more toward the gay end of the spectrum despite a couple straight relationships) but I've never been happy with the sex aspect of things. To swipe your language, I've always wanted someone with whom I can go travelling/cycling/hiking/swimming/movie-ing/coffee-ing, etc. but I don't enjoy sex and would just as soon avoid most of it. I'm--ahem--older, though, so there never was a definition or identity coincident with "asexual" when I was growing up (shit, there was barely an identity coincident with "gay"), so I never considered that as a possibility. I just tried to find a pigeonhole that fit me, then tried to do that and be that. Then there were gay people, and then bi people, then transexual people, then asexual people. And it's only recently that I've stumbled across a couple articles that started the internal me shouting "THAT'S ME!! THAT'S ME!!" Now I consider myself to be a "homoromantic graysexual," but that doesn't really cover it--maybe I'm more a panromantic graysexual.... I guess I'm thinking is that, while there have always been asexual people just like there have always been gay people, there's no common context until something has a definition associated with it--we need to label something in order to talk about it. So, great; now there are definitions. But don't get hung up in the definitions beyond the point they're useful to you--your sexuality may be neither fixed nor a single point in space. You may meet a woman whom you find intriguing (emotionally, romantically, sexually, or any combination thereof), you may meet a guy to whom you really are attracted sexually, or you may end up being a hopeless romantic and leaving sex out of the relationship altogether...and if your partner isn't ok with that, then you truly don't need to be ok with them. That's my 2¢. Good luck and best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Justwondering2 Posted August 8, 2017 Author Share Posted August 8, 2017 Thanks MCBrom, I think those are really good points. It's all too easy to feel lost when you can't associate to a specific label, and easy to forget that the labels are only there really to allow us to talk, not necessarily to define who we are. You may be right, and it might be best just to ignore labels for the moment and see what happens, if anything. I suppose the difficulty with that comes when you do need to talk to people and when you do feel lost, sometimes a few labels and ideologies are nice to cling onto. But hey, will see what happens as I say - thanks again for your thoughts, and best wishes to you too. Link to post Share on other sites
cosimofranco Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 As for me I have always been homosexual but not happy with the sex side of a relationship.... If anyone knows, are there meetups fr homo-asexuals in England'? (I live in London....) Link to post Share on other sites
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