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I Think I'm a Heteroromantic Asexual?


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I came to the tentative conclusion very recently that I'm asexual; as far as I know, I've never experienced sexual attraction to anyone (based off the common "If you'd felt it you'd know" refrain). But I'm definitely romantic, since I've had crushes since I was a little kid and I've planned about ten versions of my dream wedding. But there are several things that make me wonder if I actually am asexual. I've been raised Christian, so part of me thinks I just really, really nailed the whole purity culture thing. I've never been in a romantic relationship, much less a sexual one, mostly because I've just had better things to do, like focusing on academics and my various identity crises (also I have ridiculously high standards). Maybe if I experienced sexual attraction I would have been spurred into a relationship faster? 

I go through regency romances faster than anything, and I love them, but mostly because they're more emotional and less sexual, with just occasional makeout scenes (which I skip). I get bored/grossed out when there's a sex scene in a movie or show--it just seems really unnecessary and tasteless, and not just because of my moral beliefs. I totally want to get married one day, but then I remember that to be married I'd have to have, you know, sex, and I start freaking out. I've had actual anxiety attacks thinking about how I'll one day have to consent to sexual intimacy so I can have a normal, healthy marriage. I have no real idea how or if I could pull off a good Christian marriage as an asexual, especially if I end up with someone who isn't ace. At this point I have no clue what to do with myself!

I'm not a touchy person AT ALL. Sometimes I'm ok with a hug from a friend or something, but if someone touches me in any way without asking/warning me first, especially if it's someone I don't know well, I usually get really uncomfortable. It's frustrating, because every time my mom tries to hug me out of the blue and I cite my general dislike of being touched, she unfailingly pulls out this little number: "Well, you're going to have to get over that if you ever want to get married or have kids!" That's usually where I go to my room and scream into a pillow. I mentioned to her that I thought I might be ace and maybe even sex-repulsed, but she kind of dismissed the theory as ridiculous and I never made the mistake of bringing it up to her again. I don't know what to think, and I'd appreciate feedback, especially from any asexual Christians that might be having similar issues!

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Hi! I was raised Christian too (though I've left the faith) and also nailed the purity thing, as you said. & I'm also a romantic, who dreamed up the perfect wedding, etc, and had crushes. However, I was always okay with hugs, so nothing really seemed different. I knew that whatever I heard being said about sex just grossed me out, but I didn't think that was odd, and friends just thought I was sheltered. It wasn't until I was an adult that I really heard of asexuality and knew it described me perfectly. 

I'm so sorry your mom wasn't accepting when you told her what you are going through. As a fellow repulsed, I am here for you whenever you need someone to listen, and I'm sure the other repulsed aces here will do the same. Wishing you the best!

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Hey, you don't need to have sex to be married to someone. If you're really against the thought of having sex, I think you should definitely look for another asexual partner if you plan to get married. I'm glad you figured this all out about yourself, welcome to AVEN.

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Sounds a lot like me...  :) I'm a Christian, heteroromantic, sex-averse, and very touch-averse. 

 

I was in one very brief relationship, and felt my asexuality confirmed when the guy started euphemizing about "how often do you want to be loved?"  And I was like, "Uh, no..."  Neither my romantic feelings for him nor the idea of waiting for marriage could change that.  Sex just wasn't something I could "psyche myself up" to be interested in or desire, ever.

 

Because of my inability to compromise or "fake it," I would only marry another asexual.  It's certainly possible to have a happy marriage with a sexual, but it would mean finding someone who loves you more than sex and is willing to compromise as much as you are.  It's also something that needs to be discussed openly while dating/courting, (preferably as soon as possible, for asexuals).

 

I find encouragement in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul basically says, it's good to be single, but do get married if you "burn with passion."  He's essentially saying that some people don't have a "need" for sex.  Verses 6-9 are pretty clear about this.  I wish I had heard a sermon about that as a teenager, because it would have helped me a lot.

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scarletlatitude

Same!! You are definitely not alone in this! 

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12 minutes ago, Euna said:

I find encouragement in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul basically says, it's good to be single, but do get married if you "burn with passion."  He's essentially saying that some people don't have a "need" for sex.  Verses 6-9 are pretty clear about this.  I wish I had heard a sermon about that as a teenager, because it would have helped me a lot.

I wish I would have heard that sermon too! I just grew up really confused about why everyone kept saying it was so hard to keep yourself sexually pure; again, I just thought I was super good at it or something. As it is I'm eighteen and just now realizing that maybe it isn't "normal". A gift, maybe, but not a common one. I told my mom that my ideal marriage is a sexless one and she just went on and on about how sex is an incredible gift from God and it's one of the most special things about marriage... and I'm all "Yeah but have you every tried pillow fights or quirky date nights instead?" But the way she talks about it I'm afraid I'm missing something that would make a marriage... real, somehow? I don't know. Maybe I've just spent my whole life assuming I'd have sex when I got married and I'm having to shake all that off. 

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whitefrostbyte

1 Corinthians 7 is a great passage that affirms our orientations in this world. In regards to your comment that sex won't make marriage real somehow, that simply is not true, but only if you are with the right person. If the person you're with truly loves you then they will learn you accept this thing that is a part of who you are. If you want children, you can always adopt and still have a full and loving family. You don't need sex to live. Sex is something that God made to make sex fun, but it just so happens that he decided we shouldn't feel that way. We can't know God's thoughts, but he did. All we can do is make the best of it.

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