Really confused [warning: slightly sexually explicit]

[salad_boy_]

Hey guys I'm new to this forum, but really glad it's here. This might be a long post because I'm really confused about my own sexuality at the moment and really need to think about this a lot.

 

So I have had a feeling that I might have a low sex drive for a while. But it's much more complicated than that for me. I still find some people attractive in sexual ways, but whenever I've had sex or had sexual things happen to me, I've felt really indifferent.

The aspects of sex I like are the aesthetic side; that I get to see their body and the fact that they're willing to share that with me feels nice, but beyond that initial excitement I don't really feel much. I find it difficult to become turned on enough to actually perform the act of sex, and if I do manage to get to that point it is for a short period.

As well as that I often find the physical side off-putting. I'll go down on someone, but while I'm doing it I often feel sick, and if someone tries the same on me, again it's an effort to stay aroused and I always feel indifferent internally. It is possible that some part of me thinks of it as degrading. After sex, I usually feel really gross and repulsed by myself, and avoid the person I did it with for a while, if not longer.

If I ever fantasise about people or having sex, it's kind of like in a movie or tv show, where not much is shown apart for some partial nudity, and nothing detailed. In fact usually I'm not even present in the fantasy. I've kind of thought perhaps I am turned on by nudity, but not so much actual sex.

 

I do also have strong romantic attraction towards people, but this is very rare and when it is strongest it is almost always toward someone who is very unattainable, such as someone who is not attracted to me, or isn't looking for a relationship. Often if I fantasise about these people it is in an non-sexual way, like having a conversation or taking a bath. As well as this, usually if that person does reciprocate feelings towards me, which is rare, I usually distance myself and become less attracted. I understand this is probably an unhealthy approach to dating and relationships, and have made progress in addressing this part of myself, but mostly it has just made the times which I feel attracted to someone in a romantic way more scarce. Also, I do like to kiss people, but I think it's more about the reasoning behind it rather than the act itself. For me it feels like an expression of emotion rather than something sexual, but this also depends on the context.

 

I do like the idea of being gray-asexual because often I feel like a lot of people devote too much of their time to thinking about sex and relationships, which I have felt somewhat forced into throughout my life. Even when I didn't think this way I believe part of me still felt somewhat out of place in what I view as a hypersexual society, and really the only reason I've had sex in the first place was to 1) fulfil the strange societal requirement of losing one's virginity (I personally don't care if someone else is or isn't, but still felt pressured into doing it) and 2) to see if I'd actually enjoy it or not. Having done so, I think I'd be okay without having sex for the rest of my life, as long as I had a partner who I loved and friends.

 

This post was as much about me putting my mind down in words as it is about getting the opinions of other's on this forum. I'm by no means done with my self-investigation. But I'd like some other opinions on this because I'm really not sure if I fit into the category of gray-asexual (or perhaps demi-sexual) or not, though it does feel right to me.

 

Any opinions are welcome! Thank you!

[Music & Lyrics]

Really you can choose your own label to a certain extent, but it sounds like you could be grey-ace  

 

You're grey-ace if you feel sexual attraction only in certain contexts or situations, which sounds roughly like what you're saying?  Demi-sexual is a subset of grey-ace where you're sexually attracted only after forming an emotional attachment - does that help?

 

Thinking about what fantasies you have can be really useful so go you!  I'm similar to you, I have romantic fantasies about walking through forests or whatever with someone but there is never a sexual component.  That helped me realise I'm asexual hetero romantic!

 

Good luck and keep posting

 

[salad_boy_]

3 minutes ago, Music & Lyrics said:

Really you can choose your own label to a certain extent, but it sounds like you could be grey-ace  

 

You're grey-ace if you feel sexual attraction only in certain contexts or situations, which sounds roughly like what you're saying?  Demi-sexual is a subset of grey-ace where you're sexually attracted only after forming an emotional attachment - does that help?

 

Thinking about what fantasies you have can be really useful so go you!  I'm similar to you, I have romantic fantasies about walking through forests or whatever with someone but there is never a sexual component.  That helped me realise I'm asexual hetero romantic!

 

Good luck and keep posting

 

Thank you, this is why I like this forum so much, because I can find people that share similar experiences and feelings to me. I knew there was an element of choice, but it's nice to have confirmation from others who are in a similar position.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 06/08/2017 at 2:39 PM, salad_boy_ said:

But it's much more complicated than that for me. I still find some people attractive in sexual ways, but whenever I've had sex or had sexual things happen to me, I've felt really indifferent.

I totally feel this. I felt sexual attraction up until the point I had sex (of any kind) when I felt suddenly turned off and uncomfortable. Personally this may relate to the fact that I'm transgender and didn't know it at the time, but there could be other factors. I know there are labels like 'fray-sexual' for someone who's attraction decreases over time or the more intimate they get, but I think it may be due to allot of other factors than that

 

On 06/08/2017 at 2:39 PM, salad_boy_ said:

If I ever fantasise about people or having sex, it's kind of like in a movie or tv show, where not much is shown apart for some partial nudity, and nothing detailed. In fact usually I'm not even present in the fantasy. I've kind of thought perhaps I am turned on by nudity, but not so much actual sex.

This is interesting, so more like aestetic attraction perhaps?

 

On 06/08/2017 at 2:39 PM, salad_boy_ said:

I do also have strong romantic attraction towards people, but this is very rare and when it is strongest it is almost always toward someone who is very unattainable, such as someone who is not attracted to me, or isn't looking for a relationship. Often if I fantasise about these people it is in an non-sexual way, like having a conversation or taking a bath. As well as this, usually if that person does reciprocate feelings towards me, which is rare, I usually distance myself and become less attracted.

Same Though personally I put these in the 'squish' (platonic crush) catagory, as same as you, I don't think about romantic or sexual things, simply being close and intimate.

 

On 06/08/2017 at 2:39 PM, salad_boy_ said:

really the only reason I've had sex in the first place was to 1) fulfil the strange societal requirement of losing one's virginity (I personally don't care if someone else is or isn't, but still felt pressured into doing it) and 2) to see if I'd actually enjoy it or not. Having done so, I think I'd be okay without having sex for the rest of my life, as long as I had a partner who I loved and friends.

^ I relate to this so hard

 

I haven't quite figured out which labels fit me best yet, but you're certainly not the only one! <3

[salad_boy_]

 

1 hour ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

I totally feel this. I felt sexual attraction up until the point I had sex (of any kind) when I felt suddenly turned off and uncomfortable. Personally this may relate to the fact that I'm transgender and didn't know it at the time, but there could be other factors. I know there are labels like 'fray-sexual' for someone who's attraction decreases over time or the more intimate they get, but I think it may be due to allot of other factors than that

Yea, I imagine being transgender would add another level of complexity to that, especially not knowing, so I'm glad you at least know that you are now!  The term 'fray-sexual' might relate to me, but I'm not sure if it's actually the case or if I'm more afraid of intimacy or something along those lines. It certainly might apply though, I can usually only stay attracted to someone if I feel like I'm only just hanging onto their attention, it's a real problem.

1 hour ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

This is interesting, so more like aestetic attraction perhaps?

Yea could be! The physical side definitely doesn't do it for me and at best like I said I'm indifferent.

1 hour ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

Same Though personally I put these in the 'squish' (platonic crush) catagory, as same as you, I don't think about romantic or sexual things, simply being close and intimate.

 

^ I relate to this so hard

 

I haven't quite figured out which labels fit me best yet, but you're certainly not the only one! <3

Thanks, it makes me feel good to know there's other people out there in a similar boat, so thanks for replying!  I'm not sure how I feel about all the labels, at the moment I've just kinda begun to accept I have a very low sex drive, and I'm wondering what's causing it most of all.

[roland.o]

Have you considered the different types of attraction mentioned in the wiki? http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

You might be experiencing aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction, while lacking the sexual attraction.

Have you come across the label lithromantic yet? http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Lithromantic

[SamwiseLovesLife]

18 hours ago, salad_boy_ said:

Yea, I imagine being transgender would add another level of complexity to that, especially not knowing, so I'm glad you at least know that you are now!

Thank you lovely <3 Now I can just say that due to my sexuality and gender i'm QUEER AS ALL HELL

 

18 hours ago, salad_boy_ said:

I'm not sure how I feel about all the labels, at the moment I've just kinda begun to accept I have a very low sex drive, and I'm wondering what's causing it most of all.

If it helps (I know people say this to Aces in a derogatory way but I don't mean it like that) you could always look into speaking to a therapist about it, there are even those who specialise in sexuality and LGBT+ things. I've been seeing one for the last 8 months and we've looking into a whole bunch of things in my life, including sexuality. Not to suggest there's anything wrong with how you're feeling but if it's bothering/confusing you it may be helpful to have an outside non-biased opinion. I actually believed wholeheartedly I was Ace until my therapist and I explored the matter, my past/gender/etc and It was myself not her who came to the conclusion I might not be as Ace as I thought/wanted to be.

 

18 hours ago, salad_boy_ said:

Thanks, it makes me feel good to know there's other people out there in a similar boat, so thanks for replying!

At least our boat will have interesting conversations I imagine the 100% secure-in-their-aceness boat just play scrabble..