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is there something wrong with me? why can't I feel"normal" towards relationships?


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I posted something similar to this back in april, but I had a person close to me pass away and I was on survival mode so I figured this issue wasn't urgent and I didn't give it a thought for a couple of months. Now I am back, same question but more details. I know I can't ask anyone to "Diagnose me" or so to speak because I know that isn't possible, but if you have some info about what im going through please share so I at least know what to work on in therapy. 

would really appreciate if someone could help me because i am freaking out, i don't feel normal and i want to figure out what is going on. let me give you my story:

I am sixteen year old female, I would identify as straight. When I was 13 i had my first love, he was 16 and he didn't love me he just wanted sex, he pressured me to try and i did but i regretted it after like 2 minutes and i asked him to stop and he did however he never spoke to me again (because i didn't want to have sex) and i was heartbroken  for several months. Since then i have dealt with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and a suicide attempt. I am certainly attracted to people but i have zero sexual desire (sex, oral sex, kissing), and I would say i am straight up repulsed by the thought of it. I have liked 2 boys since, and one of them didn't like me back but i really really liked him (i had still no sexual desire). Then afterwards I dated a guy for two weeks but i broke up with him because I was feeling disgusted and shameful and scared to go on dates with him, like it felt so wrong... I have a super low self confidence and very bad body image (relating to my eating disorders), but i have had a couple of boys like me that i haven't liked back, so when I find out someone is attracted to me or has feelings for me (if I have met them in real life) i am momentarily happy bc it makes me feel good about myself but that soon fades and i become utterly disgusted with the thought of it and i will stay away and feel super anxious and scared to be alone with that person, and i want them to stop thinking about me and erase their memory and have them feel nothing for me whatsoever. I want a relationship and i envy people who are in relationships because it looks like they're happy but when someone likes me i am like basically running away. I was thinking maybe I am demisexual because i crave bonds with people but that doesn't make 100% sense because I am still attracted to people I just don't want to be sexual with them, i also thought maybe i have sexual aversion but it doesn't really make sense either because the definition of it says it's genital contact but for me it's also holding hands and kissing... In addition I should probably say this; my mom calls me a slut because I talk to too many online, guys who go to different schools and stuff in my area, I have no intention of ever meeting them but I think I do what I do subconsciously to "get used to" guys. I have been asked on dates lots of times but I am beyond terrified to go through with them. also if someone in real life likes me I start getting repulsed to the person, even if I liked them first to begin with (I start looking at their face a lot and at things they do and even though I was initially attracted to them I suddenly just want to never see them again) Over the phone and with a screen between a guy and me I feel safe, and I even enjoy compliments and talking to them, but otherwise I am terrified.

I was thinking I might have fear of intimacy because I am scared of being alone with a guy and "awkwardness" and stuff like that, but im not like that with friendships. Do I need to just "rip off the bandaid" and make out with a guy already? I mean its been 2.5 years since I last did that and with that one person I did enjoy it... is it all in my head?  can I even be sure that I have a problem if I haven't tried kissing anyone or been In a true relationship (or done ny of the things that scare me) since I started thinking I might have an issue? but I am just scare to do that...

I've been pushing this aside for a long time but it's increasingly becoming more and more of an issue and it's time i start trying to figure out what's going on and how to make it easier for myself in the future. I know i'm only sixteen but I can't help but wonder, will I ever be able to have a normal relationship? I know you can't tell me i'm any sexuality because that's up to me to figure out but if any of you relates to how i'm feeling or has an idea of what this may be or what it may be called please tell me. thank you in advance.

 
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Please don't use the word normal, there is no such thing. It just sets up a standard that no one can attain because normal changes from any perspective you care to look at it from. I don't feel that I have any expertise to share with you other than that, but I don't think being more comfortable with people at a distance is necessarily a bad thing. You are still at that stage of life where you are trying to figure things out so take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. I just wish I would have had the courage to reach out for help when I was at your age it would have saved me so much pain and trouble so that is a good first step. Keep your head up!  

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Hi, @kdani - like AbryonJ.maybe? said, there is no such thing as normal. It's all relative, and what's normal for the people around you may work for them while it wouldn't work for you. 

There may possibly be some fears as regards to relationships, or you may be one of those who likes the idea of a relationship in theory but not when it comes to the real thing, and that's alright. Whatever the cause, just please please don't force yourself into a relationship to pull the band aid off. A forced relationship, where one or both of the people involved does not have their heart in it, will only cause misery. I would encourage you to just be you, and not do something just because it's considered normal to the people around you. Wishing you the best :)

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So here's my two cents, take them as you will. I was in a similar boat as you once, feelings that were different from the norm, like I was disappointing the people I cared for. But soon I discovered there was a word for who I am, lithromantic. I won't go into that because this is about you. What I am going to go into is what I think you may be, a lithromantic asexual. There's nothing wrong with who you are, and by no means is it a part of you that needs to be fixed. If you're still interested in finding relationships, then finding someone who's an aromantic asexual may be good for your comfort zone. I hope this helps, best of luck

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Oh my goodness there is nothing wrong with or abnormal about you. You just have preferences other than those we have taught by society to expect. You have nothing you need to feel bad or ashamed about. And I am sorry about your mother calling you names - that is unacceptable and you should not have to go through that. I don't really have anything else to offer you - but please know that even if you are asexual and/or sex repulsed - you're perfect how you are and you deserve to be happy just like everyone else does. 

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