I just don't get it... the need/desire for sex...

[Malek4life]

After all these years, I still don't get it. 

 

To be honest, the first time I realized that I didn't quite fit into the 'norm' of everyone else, was in Middle School. When everyone around me, including my baby sister started acting differently around the opposite sex. Now boys were 'hot' and 'cute' and visa versa. And I was just sitting there like "huh", I wasn't seeing guys any differently. At all. And I couldn't figure out what I should be seeing, what I was missing. Fast forward to High School, and now everyone was actually talking about sex. And Sex Ed. And it was like a light-bulb, I don't remember the exact moment I realized that it was sexual attraction I was missing. But High School is when I figured that out. I had never and still wasn't feeling sexual attraction, at all, towards anyone. Male, female or anyone in between. I could feel attraction, but to me seeing someone I was attracted to felt the exact same as seeing a pretty sky, or trees during fall. Ascetically pleasing, and absolutely nothing to do with sex. 

 

The first time I had sex, was when I was 21. And literally I was very aware that the only reason I did it was to find out what all the commotion was about, why everyone was acting so ridiculous for. I couldn't understand it. So I figured some experience might give me a better idea. 

 

And, nope... nothing. I didn't gain sexual attraction, I didn't even gain a better understanding. If anything, I was actually more confused. Not only did I not enjoy it, I couldn't see the reason for it. For sex I mean. I was just left feeling "why". So I did a whole crap load of research, read a lot of books and went pretty deep into the internet, before finally finding "Asexual". And suddenly, like being in a dark room for years and one day having a light turned on. Suddenly so many things were clear. I had never in my life felt sexual attraction, I had absolutely no desire for sex. And it wasn't because I had no personal experience, I just didn't have it. Whatever that 'it' is that everyone else seemed to have. And it wasn't even the lack of sexual attraction, the lack of sexual desire. I have never in my life felt any sort of need to attract anyone to me. I've never dressed for others, worn makeup or worn my hair in a way for others. To me my breast have already just felt in the way and not "tools to find someone". I've never felt any sort of need to act or appear a certain way for anyone else. All of this, I've just never felt. And I still don't. I tried my first relationship when I was 23, again, not because of any sort of attraction. But because I needed to find out if I could even be in a relationship. If maybe being in love would somehow cause an attraction to happen, or a desire for sex. Again nope. I had sex, a lot of sex. And eventually was forced to admit that I was doing it for someone else, and that I really didn't care or want to. And in doing so created a link, between sex and disgust for/in me. 

 

Everything around me is sex, everyone around me is sex. Everything is sold using sex, sexual attraction and sexual desire. Literally everything. At 26yrs old, after not trying anything remotely sex related for nearly 4yrs. And being happier then I had since trying it for the first time, and I'm in love. But once again, it comes down to sex. Basically everything says that sex is what will keep him, and no sex and he goes. And to this day I still don't understand. Years and years of watching some of the worst crimes committed because of the desire/need for sex, the loss of or lack of sex. I've seen relationships that had so much more to them, literally crumble to pieces because of sex. I've seen friendships ruined. Just so much negativity and drama, all because of sex. And I don't get it. What's the point, what's the need. 

 

Just a rant, from an Asexual who's simply tired of struggling through all the human wreckage that is caused by sex. And tired of the endless cycle off attempting to understand the why of it. 

[Livyia]

Saaaaaaaammmmmeeeee. The first half of your story, apart from realizing you were asexual in high school, could literally be me talking it's so similar to mine. I gave up after trying it once though...I wanted to see what the big deal was, tried it, didn't get it, and didn't particularly enjoy it either. It's just so strange to me that this thing I see as a chore at best and a messy and uncomfortable and awkward and even physically painful (for a woman the first time obviously always is and I never went beyond that so that's all I know) activity at worst controls the majority of people out there. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

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[EricaB]

I've never even gotten to the point of trying it, and I don't really feel like I'm missing anything. It also drives me nuts how everything is sold with sex these days, even ads for things like washing machines and Mr. Clean. Oh, and when one of the upper execs at my software company used to talk about making sure our software was "sexy". Sigh. But kudos for figuring out that early on what you don't want - I was confused and tormented about it for quite a bit longer, but I think it's a relief to figure out no matter when.

[Laplace]

As someone who has never done it, I don't really see the hype around it. I think it's just fine to enjoy it; everyone can do their own thing. But it's never really seemed like something to start a fight over. 😕 People have different priorities. There's some things that'd bother me too if I ever cared about having a relationship. It's just weird to get all upset cause one person doesn't like one activity. 

[Lirpaderp]

Same with the confusion in school. Now I'm off to college. I hear so many sex stories from people about their college experience. It seems like the only reason some people go to college is to find a partner?! All of it confuses me. I'm about to enter a social life of sex and partying and I know nothing about it. I don't understand anything sexual, no matter how hard people try to make me understand. Though, the most they say is I'll know it when I feel it....

 

I've never had sex and I doubt I ever will. I haven't had my first kiss either. I had a boyfriend once but I just wanted to be friends, it didn't last long. I hope I never have sex, I've been given many talks about how to avoid sexual assault (mom) but even then I'm nervous. I'm only nervous because of how often people say I need to be extra careful about it.

 

@Jade Cross  what friction is there between sexual and asexuals? I know neither fully understand the other, but is there something else? In all honesty, I don't know enough sexuals who know what asexuality is for me to notice any issues.

[Malek4life]

On August 5, 2017 at 10:44 AM, Moonman said:

"You've seen couples that look healthy on the surface but no relationship ever suffers just because of bad sex."

--> I can honestly say, from experience that that's not true. My Mother and Father's relationship and marriage disintegrated because of sex. Not because of other outside problems that caused their sexual relationship problems. It was the sexual aspect of their relationship that ruined everything else. I've also met multiple people and couples in my life, so far, that their problems with the other person or their relationship is sex. The very base of the problems came from their sexual relationship. I've met woman who have broken up with men because of some part of their sex life together, and men as well. There was a girl I used to work with who divorced her husband because he was too rough during sex. She said that everything else was perfect to her, she loved every other aspect of their relationship but couldn't handle having sex with him anymore so she filed for divorce and left him. So to say "no relationship" when you have not experienced every single relationship there is, is not only a false statement. But also a very one sided ignorant statement as well. I'm not trying to be mean or insulting, so if that's how this comes off I apologize. But I just can't pass over people who speak in factual statements like that. When what you're talking about is not an actual fact at all, but merely your own personal perception, founded only on your person life experiences.

[Guest]

I was the same as you in many ways for YEARS! I got nothing out of sex, really didn't enjoy it, didn't want it. I have actually been celibate for 6 years now and am very happy with that However when I was almost 28 I started realising there are actually some sexual actions I CAN enjoy, and this woke up a desire in me that had been dormant my whole life. Now I can look at the person I love and literally ache to connect sexually with him, even when I'm not aroused (this applies to any person I have an en emotional connection to, I can't desire sex with someone unless I'm in luuuuurve with them or deeply emotionally connected to them). I don't actually mind if I never have sex again (I haven't for 6 years now, like I said, not physically anyway) but I do have a deep ache for it and would love to experience it with someone I have an emotional connection with now that I've finally realised I can enjoy some forms of sex, even if it's only once or twice I'd still love to experience it (I'll be 29 in a couple of weeks so it took long enough!!) Obviously I'm not saying that what happened to me would happen to everyone identifying as ace, just that I understand how you feel even if I don't identify as ace anymore! 

[JDP]

On 8/5/2017 at 1:44 PM, Moonman said:

You've seen couples that look healthy on the surface but no relationship ever suffers just because of bad sex. Bad sex is the consequence of various other goings-on. Happy couples in public fight behind closed doors and it is that conflict that leads to troubles in the bedroom, frustration and the eventual breaking down of that relationship. I think it's a matter of perspective too, sex is like the litmus test of a relationship. If the sex is good the relationship is good - if the sex isn't good, there's something wrong with the relationship. I'm not sure where I stand on that but yes I think everybody would be healthier if the quality of sex was a lesser issue to them.

I had what my wives would consider to be great sex daily for 25 years and we divorced anyway. Great sex doesn't mean anything.

 

You can have great sex with someone you totally despise, and there are some that say that's the best kind.

[JDP]

5 minutes ago, Moonman said:

Oh yes I have heard of angry sex, I know of people calling it make up sex because hate and love are passionate associative emotions. As somebody that clearly has more experience - you have been having or have had sex for more years than I have been breathing - would you agree or disagree with my belief that sex acts as a kind of litmus test for relationships? 

I can't speak for all couples, but the ones I've known, and in my own experience, that doesn't ring true, and I'll tell you why.

 

Sex can be used to cover-up serious marital problems. The partners can delude themselves that everything is alright and postpone painful communication about intractable problems. Often the feeling is that great sex will get a couple through bad times.

 

To the extent bad sex is a litmus test, it's because the couple communicates well. That doesn't mean they're going to make it. It just means they can only fornicate when when they're both on the same page.

 

All the couples I've known that start in a ball of flame end up divorced. I personally feel passion and commitment are mutually exclusive.