How do I come out without being hurt?

[whitefrostbyte]

So, my parents are, like, super traditional, and they automatically assume that I am heterosexual. They believe that being straight is the only real orientation, and any other orientation is a perversion. I dated a girl for two years who was really physical and always wanted to be kissing or cuddling, and she kept harassing me to have sex. I didn't know I was an asexual at the time, but I knew that I didn't enjoy doing any of those things, so it didn't work out. In my day to day life I'm surrounded by traditional Judeo-Christian people, so I have really no one to talk to concerning my sexuality. I have a friend who's bisexual and another who's pansexual, and they helped me recognize my sexual identity, but they really don't know how to help me come out. My parents keep pushing me to get out there and get the girls, which is hard for my introversion not just my asexuality. I'm just afraid that if I tell them my family might alienate me. Please help!

[sleep]

2 minutes ago, whitefrostbyte said:

So, my parents are, like, super traditional, and they automatically assume that I am heterosexual. They believe that being straight is the only real orientation, and any other orientation is a perversion. I dated a girl for two years who was really physical and always wanted to be kissing or cuddling, and she kept harassing me to have sex. I didn't know I was an asexual at the time, but I knew that I didn't enjoy doing any of those things, so it didn't work out. In my day to day life I'm surrounded by traditional Judeo-Christian people, so I have really no one to talk to concerning my sexuality. I have a friend who's bisexual and another who's pansexual, and they helped me recognize my sexual identity, but they really don't know how to help me come out. My parents keep pushing me to get out there and get the girls, which is hard for my introversion not just my asexuality. I'm just afraid that if I tell them my family might alienate me. Please help!

You can't. Every day that you broadcast your sexuality to anyone, you open yourself to get hurt by those people. The reality is people have opinions on other people's lives, and as sad as that is it is true with almost everyone in the world - and some tend to broadcast those opinions, even when they are uncalled for and will cause nothing but hurt.

 

If your parents disagree with you and who you are in terms of your sexuality then there is nothing you can do to change their mind. No matter how you come out, no matter what you say or do, they will react whatever way you initially thought they would, and yes it may hurt.

 

Coming out is more of a thing of dependency - if you still depend on the person financially, emotionally, etc. then it may be best to not come out until you no longer depend on them. Unless you are 100% sure they will react positively, then do not do this unless you can support yourself as you will be risking being thrown out, and losing them as a friend / parent / family.

 

It sucks, but it's just how the world is.

 

I don't know what age you are or your current situation, but I would not consider coming out if I was you without weighing out the pros and cons of it going badly. Regardless of how you think they will react.

[knittinghistorian]

You'd probably have better luck (if I understand your situation correctly) if you didn't bring terms like "sexual orientation" into it.  Just saying you're not interested right now might work better.  Also, in the traditional Judeo-Christian framework, not having sex before marriage is preferred anyway, which gives you an advantage.

 

That said, you might be surprised.  My mom is quite traditional, and when I came out to her (didn't plan to, it just came up, I think because she saw me reading a book about asexuality), she barely blinked.    Also, people can change.  It's really hard to see someone you have always loved as inhuman, especially if that person (i.e. you) continues to be nice.  My mom has a considerably more nuanced view of homosexuality, traditional outlook notwithstanding, because she has two gay cousins (and married, so it's really more like four gay cousins) and likes them as people.

[Niera]

I agree with Knittinghistorian, they may not even see anything wrong with it (that is what i'm assuming you fear), because trust me, parents traditionally will prefer that you don't have sex at all, lol. I think what you need to be is in peace with yourself, you don't need the whole world to know to accept yourself right? But if the subject is unavoidable and you feel like they need to know, then tell them, you will feel way better. But I understand you, and the fear of how they might think about you is real and important. Why don't you try to somehow bring the topic as a school/college task, that may give you insights of what they think about it. Something like, "I have to interview older generation about this topic'? I don't know may be a crazy idea, I wish I could help you more. 

The only certain thing is that when you feel completely good in your own skin no one else will make you feel bad about who you are, continue the fight!  

[FlaafyTaffy]

I am always in the boat that you don't really need to come out. You don't really need to tell them you aren't interested in sex, because sex is only a behind the scenes type of thing.

 

If they keep pushing you to find a girl, you can try and tell them that you just aren't interested in dating right now and that you are perfectly happy being single. Tell them you want to work on yourself first so that whatever relationship you eventually get into, it will be healthy. Just fluff it up however you need.

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

Agree with the others.

 

Emotional safety is a huge consideration when coming out. Only you can decide if, when, and to whom, and in what way.

 

And, unfortunately, there's no way of knowing how it will go... until you do it. And coming out is sometimes an ongoing conversation, so don't assume it's 'make or break' in those first few seconds or minutes. Sometimes people need to distil the info, learn what it actually means, realise you haven't changed, slowly change their worldview, etc. (In my case, I only came out to those whose opinion actually mattered to me. And didn't bother hiding from anyone else. I don't actually care if they know or suspect. I'm just me. I don't have to explain myself to anyone.)

 

But, I think, for parents who might be in the dark about a lot of sexual orientations and are likely to have trouble 'getting it', you could come out by describing your interests and leanings, what you picture/imagine for your life, rather than naming it? Like, "Yeah, I like girls romantically. I'm just not super interested in some of the physical stuff. But I've learnt that that's actually okay. Some people are just different in how interested they are in sex/physical intimacy. We live in a hypersexualised world..." Or "I think I probably will date a woman again. I'm just not as focussed on it as much as most people are. But I'm not alone. I've heard a lot of people say the same. And I'm cool with it. I don't think it's an issue. I'm just the type of person who is not in a rush and will wait for the right person."   

[deltaX]

As a few others have said, you don't have to come out to your parents unless you personally want to.  I think it's important to be open about your orientation to any potential partners, but other than that you aren't under any obligation to come out to anyone.  If you think that your parents would react negatively to you coming out as asexual and would rather just not bring it up, that's completely okay!

 

If you so want to tell your parents, you also don't have to do it all the way.  You can tell them you're not really interested in sex right now without mentioning it in the context of orientation.  This is the approach I took with my parents, though my situation is a little different than yours.  They're the type of people who would be okay with me never being in a relationship as long as I was happy, but would call be a special snowflake and try to invalidate me if they knew I identified as asexual.

 

You could also try bringing up the topic of asexuality on it's own without relating to you, to see how your parents react to the concept in general.  Some people here have used that as a method for "testing the waters" and gauging whether or not it'll be safe to come out.  If you do want to come out though, I wish you the best of luck!  My best advice would be to be prepared to answer a lot of questions, and have resources such as AVEN's FAQ if they aren't willing or ready to take your word alone.