Guest disjointed Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Quite often as you get older you become more informed... as to wiser? that always depends on the person not the age For many the link between sex and love is like cheese and pickle (a u.k. thing) abd many can't see them split but total up how many hours in a relationship that you are actually shagging and in percentage terms it becomes so small you wonder what all the fuss is about. Compare that with how much time you spend with your partner doing every day things abd it starts to show how much the partnership side is more important than the sex side. Some times I also wonder when one one side says I need the sex if it ever gets to the stage where the sex is no longer the issue but not backing down through pride becomes more important. As a male at 45 healthy-ish and quite happy in my own world I rarely worry what others think about my lack of sexual wants. that's there problem not mine I've given up trying to care what "they" want. I know when I love it is just as intense as a relationship with sex involved. It's about my best friend, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and the best person I could ever have close too me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pinny Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 hello,, i am in a marriage,, still, but i have no desire for sex anymore,, i dont know if i ever did,, just the romance,, husband and i have sexless marriage, but try to get by,,, he is more and more unhappy with this, which makes me more and more unhappy and guilty. i am actually finding out that he is bi sexual,, after 18 years of marriage, and he is carrying on affairs on cyber sex now... he denies the affairs..... IMAGINE THAT,,,,,,, i only had sex when i was drunk, and then never really enjoyed it..... i love my husband, but i am wondering,, if i should just let his sex on line go on,, and ignore it,, we have a good relationship ,, friends,, same ideas,, so we can stay married,, i dont want to leave him,, or really he does not want to leave me,,, can a relationship go on like, this,, i am jealous of his sex without, me, but since i would rather not have sex,,,, why not let him,,,,,,,, he is kind, and caring .. a good person,,,,,,,, Hi, it seems that I just missed you on the chat last night, , but I am in nearly the exact same situation as yourself. I'm 61 and have been married 16 years. Although as far as I know my husband doesn't have sex anywhere? Untill I came here I also felt incredibly guilty, sometimes to the point of suicide, then at least he would be able to live a 'normal' life. I absolutely love him to bits, but he thinks unless I show him physically I simply can't love him enough. Sorry I tend to ramble. basically what I'm trying to say is that this site saved not only my life, sounds dramatic but true, but my sanity. I know that I'm not a freak and that there are many people out there like me. I don't often post but spend my time on the chat forum, I'm there nearly every day, lol. But I find it helps me a lot, and hopefully I've made many friends. If you want to talk more with me, please find me on chat. Look after yourself, and I look forward to speaking with you, sending *hugs* Pinny Quote Link to post Share on other sites
isiscat Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 I've thought about this some more now and find that words are extremely person-specific as to what they mean. Everyone reacts especially personally to words pertaining to age. For instance, I find the phrase "senior citizen" patronizing, because it sounds like someone's trying to pussyfoot around and not use a real word. I'd much rather be called "old" or "elderly". Since most of us don't live to be 100, when we're in the last third of our lives, we are comparatively old, or at least older than we were in the first two-thirds. That doesn't mean it's who we are, or how we behave; it just means the part of life we're in now. That's reality. I've stopped thinking I have to keep up with anyone or any particular group, in this case people younger than myself. I am who I am now; who else could I be, and why would I try to convince someone that I'm not? Telling ourselves that we don't want to be "old" or we don't look or feel or act "old" means we're accepting someone else's decision on what we should be, and what old means, and whether being old is OK or not. I'm old. So what. Other people in my age group may not like that word, so we can all choose how we each want to be described. It's kind of similar to when the word "Ms." was first used; if women wanted to continue to be "Miss" or "Mrs." they could tell people that's how they wanted to be addressed. We can do the same regarding age, and that includes young people choosing their terms. Well, it is a rare woman would prefer being referred to as "old", but as my Dad always said, "Well, whatever melts your butter!" (Isnt that just too corny?) As I said, I just dont refer to myself that way because I am constantly told "You sure dont look 65, you look so YOUNG"! I am not saying this to crow, its just a fact of my life. So its hard to feel like an "old" lady if you dont look like one, I guess. Secondly, our society, and the media use this word in a negative, insulting way. We have all heard a movie character say "Shut up OLD man!" or "Eewwwww, he is OLD!" or advertisements hammering us to not look "OLD". This age bias is as offensive to me as racial slurs. (Probably comes from years of diversity training). I dont think we would tolerate the same comments if we were to substitute racial labels for age labels. So I dont use a word to refer to my age group that MOST of the people consider negative and insulting. I agree that "senior citizen" IS patronizing and I prefer the terms that the Institute for Longevity recommends, which are "older adults" or "mature adults". But if you want to be called old, I wont argue with you. I just dont go calling any of my friends that; that is if I dont want to get decked! LOL. But having done this one to death, I recall the famous quotation "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still". Which I think means, even if you CAN get someone to say "Yes I agree, you are right", often times in his heart he hasnt changed his mind one iota. So on that note, I think we can all agree that on this one we have some quite different perspectives, and that's ok. Its great that we can all share opinions, and do so in a friendly, non-argumentative way, and in so-doing we learn a great deal about how others think and respond to things in this life. And isnt that what forums are all about? Nosex nosex, here in the UK we have the term 'recycled teenager' for those of a 'certain age'. Never fails to make my Dad laugh, as he is 84 soon. By the by, he loves his iPod, knows how to use a computer (and in fact runs rings around me on Photoshop) and loves playing on my Nintendo. Both of us feel that age is just a number, after all. Nice to meet you. isiscat 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member25303 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I'm 39 and I'll be 40 in November 2009. :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Welcome...junior....:D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
zombiecrow Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Greetings, I am a 39 year old ( born again) virgin asexual woman and new to this organization. So glad to see a forum for mature asexuals. I hope to be enlightened greatly about asexuality from others here. Sincerely, zombiecrow from Cali Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Welcome to AVEN, and have some welcome :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: (it's just one of thoe silly traditions). This is a great place to sort things out for yourself - we're a friendly bunch and I hope you'll enjoy yourself here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Shasta Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Welcome to AVEN, and have some welcome :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: (it's just one of thoe silly traditions). This is a great place to sort things out for yourself - we're a friendly bunch and I hope you'll enjoy yourself here. Hey there...interesting to be here. I was looking for a specific posting to reply to but go figure...I cant find it again (not so IT savvy LOL). I so enjoyed reading it as it was so "me". If I recall correctly the person termed themself a "hetero-romantic asexual"...my heart leaped in joy as I recognized myself in that term. So whoever wrote that, PLEASE write back. It seems perhaps I am no longer a freak of nature. I have said so many times the only thing missing in my life is someone to walk along the beach with holding hands and touching...WITHOUT the whole sex thing being an issue. Anyway, I hope I find the author of that definition ... Later ya'll Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Shaggy Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Welcome to AVEN Shasta, ... more ?? I was looking for a specific posting to reply to but go figure...I cant find it again. I so enjoyed reading it as it was so "me". If I recall correctly the person termed themself a "hetero-romantic asexual"...my heart leaped in joy as I recognized myself in that term. So whoever wrote that, PLEASE write back. :lol: Sadly, this description only narrows down the possible poster to one of several thousand AVEN Members. For so many of us, "hetero-romantic asexual" is our 'label of choice'. :D On the Bright Side, ... if you are "a freak of nature", ... so are several thousand of your new AVEN friends. :lol: Welcome again, friend. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Welcome to our 2 newest members, Zombiecrow and Shasta! Very much :cake::cake: (and feel free to help yourself to the beverage of your choice) I have to agree with Shaggy. There are a LOT of AVENites who identify as hetero-romantic asexuals, myself included, although I finally realized that the people who appeal to me the most are those who would be considered somewhat androgynous or bi-gendered. I guess I like a more balanced mental outlook, or something, but I still prefer the way that men are constructed physically - from a purely aesthetic standpoint, of course! :P -GB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Shasta Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Welcome to our 2 newest members, Zombiecrow and Shasta!Very much :cake::cake: (and feel free to help yourself to the beverage of your choice) I have to agree with Shaggy. There are a LOT of AVENites who identify as hetero-romantic asexuals, myself included, although I finally realized that the people who appeal to me the most are those who would be considered somewhat androgynous or bi-gendered. I guess I like a more balanced mental outlook, or something, but I still prefer the way that men are constructed physically - from a purely aesthetic standpoint, of course! :P -GB The number of members is overwhelming! Who would have thought? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RubyTuesday Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 hello,, i am in a marriage,, still, but i have no desire for sex anymore,, i dont know if i ever did,, just the romance,, husband and i have sexless marriage, but try to get by,,, he is more and more unhappy with this, which makes me more and more unhappy and guilty. i am actually finding out that he is bi sexual,, after 18 years of marriage, and he is carrying on affairs on cyber sex now... he denies the affairs..... IMAGINE THAT,,,,,,, i only had sex when i was drunk, and then never really enjoyed it..... i love my husband, but i am wondering,, if i should just let his sex on line go on,, and ignore it,, we have a good relationship ,, friends,, same ideas,, so we can stay married,, i dont want to leave him,, or really he does not want to leave me,,, can a relationship go on like, this,, i am jealous of his sex without, me, but since i would rather not have sex,,,, why not let him,,,,,,,, he is kind, and caring .. a good person,,,,,,,, Hi, it seems that I just missed you on the chat last night, , but I am in nearly the exact same situation as yourself. I'm 61 and have been married 16 years. Although as far as I know my husband doesn't have sex anywhere? Untill I came here I also felt incredibly guilty, sometimes to the point of suicide, then at least he would be able to live a 'normal' life. I absolutely love him to bits, but he thinks unless I show him physically I simply can't love him enough. Sorry I tend to ramble. basically what I'm trying to say is that this site saved not only my life, sounds dramatic but true, but my sanity. I know that I'm not a freak and that there are many people out there like me. I don't often post but spend my time on the chat forum, I'm there nearly every day, lol. But I find it helps me a lot, and hopefully I've made many friends. If you want to talk more with me, please find me on chat. Look after yourself, and I look forward to speaking with you, sending *hugs* Pinny Hi Pinny I can identify with your comment about feeling guilty, and about your husband feeling that lack of physical response equates to lack of love. In actual fact, I think I am showing far more love by going through the motions and hiding how unattractive the whole business really is to me. I'm 59 (today!!) and have been married nearly 35 years, so have been through a lot of heartache and real misery before finally finding this community and realising that there is an explanation for the way I've always felt but couldn't explain... I'm going to see if I can use the chat forum (it's new to me) because I'd like to talk. Lots of cake - as I said, it is my birthday! Judy etc... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Happy birthday, Judy! have some birthday :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kelly Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Happy b-day, Judy! And yay knowing that there is an explanation why you are like you are (and a name for it). :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ecoqueen Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 clap clap clap clap clap clap clapI don't mean the std Hey Greybird, my joints make noise with every move now. I think I have a connective tissue disorder. See http://www.ctds.info Thanks for putting this link in, l am finding it immensely useful. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
robbenbanks Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 cannot wait to get to know you all better. I am new to this forum, I am 48, a-sexual, and have been feeling like connecting with others. TO PINNY: I am not married, never have been. I was thinking about your delema and, I wonder if talking to your husband honestly and sincerely might help.......and maybe allowing him sex with others but set boundries that you may be comfortable with. No doubt this is a hard thing to deal with.......but I think being honest, loving and sincere is the key. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Azraela Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hello! I haven't been here in a while, so I had to recover my info. I'm an ol' coot too! 51, that is. Happily married for 20 years to a man who is NOT asexual, but kn ew that I was since day one. We are very happy together and people often comment on how well we get along, while so many others my age are either divorcing or having other marital difficulties, usually revolving around someone cheating with someone else, yadda, yaddaa. Glad to see that AVEN is going strong and that so many of us older asexuals are finally coming out of the closet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Saggia Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Well, I guess I'll jump in and say Hi. I have been sort of lurking around for a couple of days to see what this site is all about. I can't believe I have found a place where there are other people who feel the way I have my whole life! I have felt like a freak of nature for so many years that I have just learned to keep my own company most of the time. I think it might be nice to feel like part of a community. I have read some posts earlier, but they all sound (and I'm sure are) so young that I felt rather like a lurking predator. I was so glad to see there are some people in my own age group...I'm 55, but like Will Smith in Men in Black, "I make it look good". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Welcome Bookbabe! :D have some (I'm a booklover :) - I believe there are quite a few bibliophiles around here) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Welcome to AVEN, Bookbabe! More ! (It's a tradition here.) There are a LOT of avid readers and booklovers here! I'm 56, so don't worry about the age thing. AVEN members can be any age over 13. -GB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Islander9 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Kia ora Bookbabe! Reader, writer, bibliophile here, and hey, I'm 62! Cheers to us all! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Saggia Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Kia ora Bookbabe!Reader, writer, bibliophile here, and hey, I'm 62! Cheers to us all! Amen! Here's to surviving and finding peace! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tacky Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Deleted Quote Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Welcome to AVEN, tlbf. Please have some of our traditional AVEN welcome :cake I know that there are a LOT of Canadian AVENites and I'm pretty sure that I have seen some from around Ottowa, but I can't remember if they were among the older members or not. The Meetup forum is a handy place to check from time to time, and you can also post in there to see if there are any members near you who would like to meet. -GB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tragicspacedementia Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Hi... I'll be 37 in 6 weeks...sometimes I feel old, and sometimes I feel like I was born yesterday. *sigh* Either way, I'm feeling like "where have you been all my life", AVEN?? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
imtd347 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 I'm 41. I think that qualifies me as old enough for this forum!! It's much needed. Well done for setting it up. :redface: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
imtd347 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 hello,, i am in a marriage,, still, but i have no desire for sex anymore,, i dont know if i ever did,, just the romance,, husband and i have sexless marriage, but try to get by,,, he is more and more unhappy with this, which makes me more and more unhappy and guilty. i am actually finding out that he is bi sexual,, after 18 years of marriage, and he is carrying on affairs on cyber sex now... he denies the affairs..... IMAGINE THAT,,,,,,, i only had sex when i was drunk, and then never really enjoyed it..... i love my husband, but i am wondering,, if i should just let his sex on line go on,, and ignore it,, we have a good relationship ,, friends,, same ideas,, so we can stay married,, i dont want to leave him,, or really he does not want to leave me,,, can a relationship go on like, this,, i am jealous of his sex without, me, but since i would rather not have sex,,,, why not let him,,,,,,,, he is kind, and caring .. a good person,,,,,,,, Hi, it seems that I just missed you on the chat last night, , but I am in nearly the exact same situation as yourself. I'm 61 and have been married 16 years. Although as far as I know my husband doesn't have sex anywhere? Untill I came here I also felt incredibly guilty, sometimes to the point of suicide, then at least he would be able to live a 'normal' life. I absolutely love him to bits, but he thinks unless I show him physically I simply can't love him enough. Sorry I tend to ramble. basically what I'm trying to say is that this site saved not only my life, sounds dramatic but true, but my sanity. I know that I'm not a freak and that there are many people out there like me. I don't often post but spend my time on the chat forum, I'm there nearly every day, lol. But I find it helps me a lot, and hopefully I've made many friends. If you want to talk more with me, please find me on chat. Look after yourself, and I look forward to speaking with you, sending *hugs* Pinny Hi, I'm another 16-years-married asexual. I'm 41. Sex to him is vital, yet to me is trivial. I find it useful though, to compromise - if I need some beer/chocolate/petrol for the car/a meal out,etc.! :D I'm one of those who's willing to have sex to see him happy, even though I always groan and make a fuss when he starts on about it. Each of us is individual, so what works for me may not work for you. I was amazed when I bumped into this site tonight - I joined at once, for I could see myself in all the things that were written. Everyone thought I was a freak, some still do (I have Asperger syndrome as well, so that's a double freak) when they all talk of sex as if nothing else matters. My husband is a good person, and I find compromising like this sex-wise works for us - I have no desire but I get other benefits elsewhere, including the fact he has never strayed or played away. Look after yourselves!! :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cedar Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hello, everyone! I've already posted over in another thread for my first post but I guess I should've introduced myself here first. Anyway, I'm 51, a widow with two grown kids. I was married for like 23 years and then my husband passed away in 2000. I wish I would've known about asexuality back during all those years with him. It would've helped me understand part of the reason we suffered so much incompatibility. I am so very thankful for the two children that came from our union, however. There is a silver lining behind every dark cloud! My kids are aweomse, my best friends, and I love them so much! I have dated a few times since my husband's passing, but found the experience to be unfulfilling. It felt like it was just a precursor for one thing: sex. And I was not comfortable with that. I do enjoy making new friends and am not completely adverse to dating a man if the right connection comes along. But in the meantime, I am happy and content to spend time alone or with a good friend, reading, exploring my hobbies and interests, creating, journaling and living with nature. I have a rich inner life that keeps me busy and fulfilled most of the time. I also am fortunate to have a full time job that I enjoy and love. I'm looking forward to getting to know folks here. I'm so glad there is this space for "older" folks! :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Welcome, Cedar! Have some Glad you found us! I love the Pacific Northwest. I've visited Portland and Seattle areas, and the more I hear about it and the more people I encounter from there the more I feel like I want to move there when I retire (I would do it now, but I can't afford to leave me job and try to start over nor is it something I want to do.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
[<*>] Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Hello, everyone! I've already posted over in another thread for my first post but I guess I should've introduced myself here first. Anyway, I'm 51, a widow with two grown kids. I was married for like 23 years and then my husband passed away in 2000. I wish I would've known about asexuality back during all those years with him. It would've helped me understand part of the reason we suffered so much incompatibility. I am so very thankful for the two children that came from our union, however. There is a silver lining behind every dark cloud! My kids are aweomse, my best friends, and I love them so much! I have dated a few times since my husband's passing, but found the experience to be unfulfilling. It felt like it was just a precursor for one thing: sex. And I was not comfortable with that. I do enjoy making new friends and am not completely adverse to dating a man if the right connection comes along. But in the meantime, I am happy and content to spend time alone or with a good friend, reading, exploring my hobbies and interests, creating, journaling and living with nature. I have a rich inner life that keeps me busy and fulfilled most of the time. I also am fortunate to have a full time job that I enjoy and love. I'm looking forward to getting to know folks here. I'm so glad there is this space for "older" folks! :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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