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Amcan

Welcome Older Asexuals

Recommended Posts

Dreamstar

Hi Isillote and thank you...this is probably the only cake I can really eat..lol No calories! :lol:

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Dove

Hello. I just made my first post in the welcome area, but I guess I probably qualify to be here. I'm still in shock that there's a forum containing other people like me. Kinda dumb that I felt I was the only one of my kind. Logically, I knew that couldn't be true. But it sure feels that way sometimes. :?

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Hammerhead

Hi Dove,

Same here, shocked that this forum exists. I read your posts in the Welcome Lounge section and had similar experiences. Never dated, why am I not like everybody else, people not believing I'm not interested, I'm the only person like this, etc. So you're definitely not alone.

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Blitzentan

I found it liberating to realise I wasn't a freak. After a lifetime of trying to fit in, I could at last be myself.

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Dove

I agree. Just finding out you're not alone helps a lot.

I tried to tell my sister once and she just laughed at me. It was, "Don't give me that. I know you were in love with so-in-so, and such-and-such a guy." I said, "Yeah, I was, but I didn't want them to come near me physically." She just laughed and completely dismissed me. My sister and I are close, but this is something I can't talk to her about.

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Blitzentan

My co-workers find it difficult to understand too, but as I tell them...I can see sexy, I can appreciate sexy...just don't want sex.

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osito
My co-workers find it difficult to understand too, but as I tell them...I can see sexy, I can appreciate sexy...just don't want sex.

Right...same here. I can have physical attraction, romantic attraction (and go off the deep end with that), autoerotic arousal--sometimes just for no reason and with no sexual thoughts...

But I don't want sex! Never did. Tried to want to more times that I'd care to count. But there were occasional little blips of almost wanting to that lasted maybe thirty seconds.

There's a really good article in the current issue of AVENues about 'grey'. I think I'm pretty A and only a little bit grey, but I am going to re-read it and think about it.

osito

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Dove

I think that's what tripped my sister up in trying to believe that I'm asexual. The last time I was in love, about 8 or 9 years ago, I used to say things like, "This is the one person that I think I just might be able to be physical with." I asked her today if that's what got her confused and she acknowledged that it was a big part of it. I said to her, "Yeah, well that was just me trying to convince myself." When it came time for him to try and kiss me, it was fantasy over. I couldn't handle the reality. I was way too uncomfortable with it.

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osito

I think that's the issue that has had many of us confused. We can tumble head over heels into romance and be totally fascinated and under a spell. But when it comes time to "do the deed", um...can we just order a pizza instead?

I was certainly lost in space about this. And on top of it, I really feel the tug of physical (not sexual) attraction to certain others--both women and men. They are often not stereotypically 'beautiful', though sometimes they are. What attracts me is a certain genuineness in their faces, on top of their faces just being really intriguing. I don't look at bodies that much or feel a physical tug to bodies. I am very attuned to voices, being an auditory learner and audiophile in general. Some voices just bowl me over; I wrote a song about an air traffic controller :D with a radio voice to die for... and some voices really turn me off.

As for kissing, I wonder if there's been a poll on one of the forums about it. I gather that some As like kissing (not just the li'l peck on the cheek but the sloppy mouthy thing) and some do not. I never did. I always found it somewhere on a continuum between uncomfortable and disgusting. Bleh.

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HappyCrone

I find it difficult to date as the first thing the date wants to do is jump your bones. And most women think that if a move isn't made right away then there must be something wrong with them. I suspect why most marriages fail is people don't really get to know each other. Is the full sum of someones worthyness their sexuality?

I don't think so. Trust, love, respect, personal honor. Don't you think those are better reasons to be with someone? ok I will get off my soap box now!

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AnimalsRule

Hi all, I'm new here and not up on the terms completely but I do fall within this realm at 53.

As a kid I was a tom boy, preferring to play with the guys instead of dolls and keep up with my brother.

I was officially married on paper once, but due to the circumstances it wasn't a real marriage. To clarify some, this did not mean the relationship lacked sex, it means in the traditional sense it wasn't a real marriage of financial support or a decent wholesome life style. It all occurred after someone I cared about died and it only took 3 months to realize life was worth living and I needed to climb back out of the gutter. When younger I had been with several others, but never enjoyed it and always picked being with the non-best guys I guess so that I knew it would fall apart. I never got any pleasure out of having sex though, I just did it because it went with the territory of being with someone at the time. I didn't do it because I wanted to be like everyone else or fit in. Had I ever found an Asexual guy back then it would have made me the happiest women in the world. I would gladly have had a test tube baby or adopted if I had a good father for a child.

The relationship route all ended about 30 years ago. A few years ago I ran around with another bum out of loneliness (all of my family that was real family had all died and I was only working part time jobs), only to get tired of supporting him. Three days after we broke up my older dog died and I regretted ever wasting my time on another worthless relationship and missed spending that precious time at home with her. After the change of life and being set in my ways of living alone for so long there is no desire to ever have another sexual relationship. There is a desire to have friends who are the same way as me, but I'd never settle for a relationship with a guy that wasn't a good one or that wanted sex. I use to laugh at the thought after having been out of circulation for so long that such a person would have to fall out of the sky and hit me on the head before I would even notice them.

I live 3 miles outside a semi-small college town in Texas, thus I won't list my location. I'm not in the closet or am I? I've always been an outsider when living here (couple of times before between stations), thus I have chose to stay one when I permanently moved here. When I worked everyone wanted to know your business and if you where not sitting at the table with them they talked behind your back. I quit taking breaks with them and went to my car so they could have a lot to talk about.

I have always known there where other people in the world like me (I never thought I was unique), and it is nice to finally find a location on the net where they get together. It would be even nicer to know and have some around in real life, since none of my critters talk in a language I can understand. 9 cats, 3 dogs, 2 donkeys, white mule, and the wild crew-2 road runners, fox, skunks, and several coons. Even with all of that it is not easy to keep my spirits up and live happy since I lack live communication and friends to do things with. All my life I thought what I have now would be a dream come true, but I didn't realize as you get older it gets harder to lug 50lb sacks of feed and dangerous to climb on the roof to fix things yourself. From the looks of it I will end up being one of the ones that dies and only discovered dead after my body decomposes. Who cares, right? My animals do unless before that time they have all passed on and I haven't replaced them. So thar ya go, some intro. hehe.

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KAGU143

Howdy, AnimalsRule!

I'm in a vaguely similar position up here in the Pacific Northwest. I'm 54 and I live on 3 acres with all sorts of birds, both inside and outside, as well as fish in my lily pond and my aquarium. I'm allergic to fur - otherwise I'm sure I would have even MORE types of critters.

Even with the allergies, I am considering getting a couple of goats or maybe sheep to help keep the weeds down. I'm not too confident about mowing on a steep slope.

'Gotta say I agree about those feed sacks! 'Twas a time when I could toss one up on each shoulder and just go wherever I wanted to go. It's one at a time and left shoulder only for me now. I think my right shoulder is on strike.

I lived in TX for 20 years and still have family and friends there, not to mention my significant other - who is also a member here. We seem to have picked up a nice handful of Texans in the last few weeks. That's awesome, and I'm VERY glad to see ya'll here!

Welcome to AVEN! We traditionally serve welcome cake to newcomers, so enjoy! :cake: :cake: :cake:

-GB (Nancy on Montel)

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AnimalsRule

Nancy, thanks for the welcome and cake (rarely ever get any). LOL, yes I’ve thought about getting goats for mowing too, but don’t have a place to keep them penned in and safe at night. Use to let the livestock do the mowing in the yard when the mower was broke, but they ate the roses and privet bush too so they where fired from the job. Your place sounds lovely and being in WA, I’m pretty sure it is. Mine was drought stricken for years, but may be back on the mend from that.

Noticed you said you where on Montel too, must have been a part I missed. I forgot what was going on at the time but I didn’t get to see the whole show, and don‘t think I got in on the start of it. The last part I remember is when the guests where asked to raise their hands if they where that way only one lady did. I didn’t even know how to spell the term but guessed good enough to find the definition and correct spelling on Wikipedia, and from that I was able to find this site.

I haven’t really dug into the site yet, but most of the Texans I have found where all mainly young folks who where very open to admitting they don’t fit into the norm which is great to see. Texas to me has always seemed really radical against people who don’t fit into the norm esp. when it comes to guys being tolerant of gay people. I’ve tried to pound my motto into their heads for years, each to their own as long as they keep it to their own. Every gay or les I ever met honored this, that is until I got onto the internet as a dumb beginner. Found a chat room that was called "For Women Only" or something like that so I though it was a place where women got together to talk and joined. Ouch, big mistake it was a les room. I explained my mistake and motto, but one Swedish lady did not honor it and I had to change my email address, etc. to climb out of that one. Live and learn <g>.

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mizliz42

Some nice soul welcomed me to the site, but now I can't find the note. (Oh, how I love senior moments). I wanted to thank you for doing that. I am enjoying reading the notes and it seems as though everyone knows each other...that's really nice! I haven't tried chatting yet, but I may well do that next as it is one of my favorite things to do.

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Endurance

All right! I certainly FEEL older - maybe because my oldest son is 19, even though I am only 41.

To me older has meant more free and safer. Over 40 seems to mean you don't get "checked out" casually as much, and that makes me feel a lot safer.

I am really glad there is an area that is not about the teens and early 20s. I feel for people going through that, but for me, that was a long time ago (thank God).

Good to meet you all,

Endurance

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Aaronbz
My co-workers find it difficult to understand too, but as I tell them...I can see sexy, I can appreciate sexy...just don't want sex.

I completely agree with you Tanwen. The one time I was in a "relationship" everything worked fine until I gave into my partner's insistence that I have sex with him. It was downhill from there. These days, now that I know what I am, I feel more comfortable and confident about being asexual. Also, if someone asks me if I'm gay I can say "no" now without the feeling that I'm lying or concealing. Neat, eh?

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rhyven

thanks for this thread.

it seems that most people that have recognized and embraced asexuality are under 30 -- good that there is a place for those with a few more years to draw from.

i do celebrate the 'young' ones. until recently there wasn't a name for those like me - like us. but it's still a struggle. i feel like a liar when i fill out on line forms - the only choices are straight, gay, or bi --- no asexy block to check. usually i leave it blank. although romantic hetero (ie - straight), i am not traditionally hetero.

the question that always comes forward in my head is: "what now"? we have recognized and are finding a way to embrace who we are -- but what now.

do we follow the lead of our gay brothers and sisters and adopt a flag, have a parade, go on oprah...?

i feel stuck at what now..

that's all,

rhyven

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Aaronbz

Well, I definitely do not want to go on Oprah, nor have a parade, nor create a flag. It's all been done. But I also agree that it would help if people know that we exist. I like the small steps approach. Simply keep mentioning it to people. It'll sink in. For me, also, being asexual is synonymous to being unlabled and the freedom of living without categories. For many this would be scary, but this is a freedom well worth embracing. We also need to address some of the sex propaganda that pop cultural continually generates: that if you're not out getting laid at least three time a week that there must be something wrong with you. I think for a lot of us on this forum the complete opposite is true. It is by not having to buy into this nonsense of humping like bunnies that we have found real freedom to be the people whom we are and to celebrate life free from some of the nastier risks that our sexual brethren often incur (std's, unwanted pregancies, extreme heart-break and emotional disorientation).

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rhyven

guess i should have placed a quirky emoticon for that line abt flags and oprah. :)

i am getting more and more comfortable with my title. i am asexual...no longer completely weirded out about it but...

but...i am also romantic hetero...yet asexy.

i have looked at various sites but none take us into consideration and when asked, i feel that leaving that bit of information out is wrong and deceptive.

whether we like it or not, we live in a world of titles and labels. in our minds, we can be as free as we want to be but in the end we all are labeled. even this site is about our label... but

i would love for people to know and EMBRACE that we exist but it ends in another but...

yes, the flag and oprah have been done but they have also allowed the world as a whole to know that people other than straight, sexual, heteros exist. but....

asexuality is such a alien concept to the world at large. even mentioning it to small groups still remains small. -- look, we even have a hard time trying to get together for area meet-ups...but...

we are gathered here because we recognize something in ourselves that grates against the grain of western culture.

sexual propaganda is funny to me b/c i do not get it. i do not get the addiction to sex in pop culture. i cannot (based upon my sexuality) get how people are willing to risk life, limb, and reputation for minutes of fleshy friction..but...

but what from here? what from talking to the choir? what but?

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Aaronbz

True we live in a world of labels and categories. Why not provide an alternative? By listing ourselves as asexuals we are giving ourselves an identity by default. We are identifying ourselves according to what we are not. I prefer to see being asexual as more of a springboard that can free me into exploring other realities of the self, of the world, of others and of the cosmos, than treating it as the reality that I live in. Many of our gay brethren unfortunately have made this mistake, and in my view have bartered much of their personal identity for their sexual label. We, as asexuals aren't hobbled in this manner, and in my view, we could also create a vanguard for those of our sexual (straight and gay) brothers and sisters who also want to get free of their sexual baggage without necessarily having to forego their sexual identity. The flag and the parades have been very necessary for gays and lesbians because of the centuries of persecution and abuse and oppression they have suffered. For asexuals, well, I have never heard of anyone being bashed or badmouthed for being asexual.

As for becoming known, I think we have all kinds of approaches to the media that we might explore (not Oprah, at least not for me, as I find her rather crass), but through blogs and websites, articles, books, artwork, public speaking engagements, and simply talking to people day by day. Don't under-estimate the small steps. I know that this approach calls for a lot of patience but I still see it as the best and the wisest route to go.

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roddy9uk
True we live in a world of labels and categories. Why not provide an alternative? By listing ourselves as asexuals we are giving ourselves an identity by default. We are identifying ourselves according to what we are not. I prefer to see being asexual as more of a springboard that can free me into exploring other realities of the self, of the world, of others and of the cosmos, than treating it as the reality that I live in. Many of our gay brethren unfortunately have made this mistake, and in my view have bartered much of their personal identity for their sexual label. We, as asexuals aren't hobbled in this manner, and in my view, we could also create a vanguard for those of our sexual (straight and gay) brothers and sisters who also want to get free of their sexual baggage without necessarily having to forego their sexual identity. The flag and the parades have been very necessary for gays and lesbians because of the centuries of persecution and abuse and oppression they have suffered. For asexuals, well, I have never heard of anyone being bashed or badmouthed for being asexual.

As for becoming known, I think we have all kinds of approaches to the media that we might explore (not Oprah, at least not for me, as I find her rather crass), but through blogs and websites, articles, books, artwork, public speaking engagements, and simply talking to people day by day. Don't under-estimate the small steps. I know that this approach calls for a lot of patience but I still see it as the best and the wisest route to go.

Basically, I agree.

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rhyven
We are identifying ourselves according to what we are not.

that's what all labels do. saying one is white is also interpreted as stating 'i am non-black, non-asian, non-latin...'

I prefer to see being asexual as more of a springboard that can free me into exploring other realities of the self, of the world, of others and of the cosmos, than treating it as the reality that I live in.

being asexual is part of our reality. it is what brought us here. we cannot discount the reality of that in the pursuit of other missions of reality.

For asexuals, well, I have never heard of anyone being bashed or badmouthed for being asexual.

people speak out of their own experience...this i have experienced and witnessed.

granted, most people seem to discount us - they swear that asexuals do not and cannot exist...but there are those who take their lack of understanding to a higher (or is that, lower) level of expression.

it's really not about going to the media, there's so many voices in media these days that a lot of them are rendered mute by the numbers.

media's influence is not discounted, it is important and beneficial, but most things get done and known by a good, constant flow of information and great marketing.

i love that asexuals were featured in the 'outsiders'a couple of years ago...but...there's that word again...

but...it would be nice to be featured away from the freak show -- away from the murderous families, the werewolf family, and parents who turn their kids a porn stars.

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Aaronbz

I'm not sure if you thoroughly read my previous post. First of all, by saying that you are black, you are not just saying what you are not. You have an identity: you are black. If you say that you are a-sexual you are stating a lack of sexual interest and/or preference. Well and good. But that still does not say what you are, unless you want to build an illusory identity around being asexual (which is what you appear to be doing here). It also strikes me as odd, and a bit sad, that you would want to rate your asexual identity and its recognition as being as worthy as, say, fighting homelessness or racism. To me you sound like a spoiled younger sibling who cries because he doesn't think he's getting his share. As far as persecution for being asexual, well, that is news to me. If it has happened it hasn't occrred with any where near the ferocity and viciousness that many other minorities, particularly gays and lesbians have endured. How many were burned at the stake for being asexual? When I was in high school it was more likely that someone would hear "faggot!" being screamed at them than "asexual!".

Don't discount using the media. It is a matter of knowing which media to to use and how. What sticks in my craw however, is when people go to the same kind of extreme of marketing themselves as being asexual that gays and lesbiasns have done about themselves, which basically leaves us stranded and I think imprisoned in our identity when we could simply get on with things, live and do what we can to make this a better world for others to live in. Narcissistic self-interest and self-promotion is not the answer here.

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rhyven

thanks for not listening and thanks for the angry sounding reply...that puts an end to the hope for open discussion.

i am aware that in any community not everyone is going to 'get' everyone else, but is it too much to ask that differing opinions be respected? that it be safe here to think out loud? to not use name calling or divisive language?

chill, it's a discussion...

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roddy9uk
thanks for not listening and thanks for the angry sounding reply...that puts an end to the hope for open discussion.

i am aware that in any community not everyone is going to 'get' everyone else, but is it too much to ask that differing opinions be respected? that it be safe here to think out loud? to not use name calling or divisive language?

chill, it's a discussion...

The problem with wanting your own opinion to be "respected" is that you needs must respect others opinions as well. :)

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Blitzentan

It is just a discussion, so can we keep it civil please, people. Thanks.

(Moderator) Tan

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WendyO

I finally discovered this post. Im 44yrs and love having a more mature area to go to. yeah

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Blitzentan

Hi, welcome to the 'family', have some welcome :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake:

Take a comfy chair, kick back and enjoy.

Tan

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LeBeau

Hi Everyone,

I'm LeBeau, soon will be 49 years old, a virgin, and so happy to have found this site!

You know, I am a Turner Syndrome female, don't know if anyone on the board is familiar with the condition or not, but what it is is simply a chromosomal abnormality that occurs in females in which there is only one 'Y' chromosome, and sometimes a very weak 'X' instead...All it means for me is that I am on the short side (I stand 4'8") and I am lousy at sports...poor coordination and spatial difficulties are also part of it...

Anyway, I am also lacking most of my female plumbing, and what I do have is very small and rudimentary, I guess you could say...Today at my age, at work and in social situations outside my family, it is hard to explain why I have never married and why I have no interest in any physical relationship with anyone of either sex, ever....

I like people and enjoy my friends, but I have never been able to relate to people in a lot of ways because I think that they just can't understand my situation....LOL! Some other female friends have actually come out and asked me if I am still a virgin and why...I dance around the subject because it is really no one's business but mine, and they wouldn't understand even if I attempted to explain...

I suppose some of it is that my body and my brain were never bathed in the hormones that most kids get.

This site is like a godsend to me because I can already feel that I can be myself here....

I am so happy and excited, looking forward to making a lot of new friends...

I will be a regular here....Take care everyone, and I will be back soon...Best, LeBeau

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