HELP - Is my bf some sort of asexual?

[celeuma]

My boyfriend and I had already known each other for longer than 10 years before we got officially introduced by a common friend. By the way he always stared at me it was clear we’re attracted to each other. He’s shy, very shy. Introverted. Also known for being very romantic and all that stuff. He gets visibly uncomfortable when people talk of sex around him. With a few days of talking, he told me he’s been frustrated all his life regarding his sex life. He had a long term relationship where they wouldn’t get intimate. When I asked further, he told his sex drive, although low, was there. According to him, he didn’t know how to express it though. He wouldn’t function. He also told me he needs to feel emotionally connected but it wasn't all. He can't explain much. I brought up asexuality once in a conversation and he got all worked up, like it wasn’t something he would accept to be. We both are around 30 years old, we started to have sex since we met recently and basic stuff like other positions than missionary, for example, was new to him. We’ve been dating for 7 months and although our frequency is low (I’d say twice per month), our sex is intense and great when it happens, always. He says he never felt desire for a woman before, like he feels for me. I’m flattered and I know I should be enjoying the moment but at the same time I’m worried he starts “malfunctioning”, given his history. The last weekend we spent together he lost his erection a few times. Seeing that I was worried, he tried to reassure me, repeatedly saying that it’s not the same like before.

I love him and am afraid what will happen in the long run. Sex is important to me.

I apologize in advance if my concern seems stupid but I'm just really confused.

[Livyia]

Maybe...but only he can answer that. But a man losing an erection isn't an indicator of asexuality. Neither is a low sex drive in and of itself. 

 

I'm sad for him that he got upset when you brought up asexuality - can you try bringing it up again, maybe direct him here? It sounds like both of you are worried and anxious at the moment and it would seem to me the only way to remedy that is by taking a deeper, honest look at what is going on and what he is feeling. But until that happens I wouldn't place so much pressure and emphasis on sex - it can be a really horrible feeling for an asexual person (even though not intended maliciously, I know), and it may end up just driving a wedge between the two of you. 

[sleep]

Could be demisexual, gray asexual, whatever. Only he can really answer that.

 

Honestly if you care much at all about the relationship it really is something you guys have to work out and if he doesn't want to talk about it properly or you don't, I'm sorry but it just isn't going to end well at all. I know you said you tried talking to him but honestly let him know your feelings and how seriously you may feel about sex, or whatever, and just set out your terms and let him set out his terms and see if compromises can be made or whatever.

 

The whole key to relationships is communication and if you don't feel comfortable enough to bring up your feelings to your partner, or if they don't feel comfortable enough, then it just will not work out and you will both end up miserable.

[Star Bit]

To title: "Some sort of"? No, there are no sorts/types of Asexuality; it's only one thing; not desiring sex with anyone. I'm not offended, but you see the hole in that statement when you put other sexualities in its place. Being uncomfortable around (public) sex talk has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation. And as others have said, neither does a low sex-drive or preformance problems. 

 

You stated he does sexually desire you though, so he is a sexual person, not asexual.

 

Needing an emotional bond in order to desire sex is completely normal, but what makes demisexuals is that they need an abnormal span of time to pass before they desire it. So it is possible he's demi-heterosexual i.e. under the Gray-sexual umbrella, but you also didn't mention an abnormal time span before sex happened, so maybe he's not, or he could be but is ok with sexually compromising before his desire for sex emerges. Losing sexual desire as a bond weakens also commonly happens to sexual people. Sexual preformance problems like this are mental though, so past saying he shouldn't concentrate on the negative when having sex, we can't do anything for you guys on that. He could seek sexologist help, but few men do. There are many ways to have sex though, so if that ever happens you can just switch to one of those (e.g. him giving you oral, fingering, using sex toys on you, letting you thrust elsewhere on his body, etc.)